Relationship is Over...

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Relationship is Over...

Unread postby Canadiangay » 17 February 2021, 04:46

I never posted on a forum before, but I need some support and guidance here.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost four years. He moved into my apartment almost two years ago (an apartment I loved and had emotional attachment to), and convinced me to move into a bigger, more expensive space in September.

I thought things were going well and that he loved me. He never really brought up anything wrong. We fought sometimes, but nothing that I felt was out of the ordinary.

In January, right after my birthday, he broke up with me. He said he needed space and wasn’t happy. I gave him some space to think and asked him to come back with a decision.

He came back and didn’t have his mind made up. He told me he was confused. He was also in love with a mutual friend of ours.

I gave him more time apart to consider his emotions. I asked him not to have sex with our mutual friend during this “break”. Over the course of the break, I asked him many times if he slept with this friend. He said no. I asked my friend. My friend said no.

Two weeks passed, and I found out that they had been sleeping together the entire time. I felt super betrayed and hurt. This mutual friend has just gone through a breakup as well, and I was there to pick up the pieces and help him through as much as I could. I was shocked that he would do this to me.

I told my boyfriend he had to make a decision. He asked for two more weeks of total isolation and asked to set up a counselling appointment at the end of those two weeks. I did it. He showed up to the appointment unwilling to work. The counsellor said “if you don’t want to put in the effort, there is nothing I can do”. We spoke some more and he told me it was over.

I’m devastated.
I love this person so much, but I feel so hurt and betrayed. He is my best friend and the person I do absolutely everything with. I don’t know what to do without him in my life.

My reflex is to go to him and be with him. I have been texting him a lot, and I know I should stop.

He says he feels he is making a mistake, but trying to do what’s best for him. He says he loves and cares about me. I find it hard to trust anything he says.

I don’t know what to do or where to go from here. I’m constantly imagining him and our mutual friend entering a relationship and being happy, having everything that I want. And I feel like a huge loser in all of this.

I don’t know what I’m looking for here, maybe just a place to vent my emotions. I don’t know where to go from here.
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby René » 17 February 2021, 17:34

Aww. :( :hug:
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby Eos » 17 February 2021, 20:40

Well, just like the song "The winner takes it all"...

Right now you're hurt, there's no way around this. You need to understand that those people were a part of your world, but that your world isn't limited to them. With time you will acknowledge that there is better people that wouldn't dare to hurt you like.

Of course it won't be easy. You'll need time. Gain trust in yourself and the ones you meet.

But it's not over.
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby gymboyjd89 » 18 February 2021, 15:58

Hi CanadianGuy

I'm really sorry about your situation.

First of all, everything you are feeling is totally normal!

You're in that classic head vs heart place where you feel so betrayed and hurt that it should be easy just to forget about him, but at the same time you're the one that's done nothing wrong and love has been taken away from you, so it's only right that you want to still feel it.

Avoid the classic mistakes:

Trying to convince him back
Trying to get more out of him

You've got used to having a person in your life that you love. It will take time to adjust to being on your own and feeling comfortable with that.

The best thing you can do is take it day by day, don't try and force yourself to heal and really focus on that feeling that you're ok on your own.

I don't know if you can DM on here, but feel free to reach out if you want

hugs xxxxx
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 4 March 2021, 12:48

Hello Canadiangay,

Wow, sounds like you've been through a lot. A lot of heartache that is.

I'm curious as to what was going on when you and your ex-boyfriend were still together. I'm wondering if he was cheating on you before your birthday (or even before you broke up), the reason why I suspect that is because, when you said quote "I asked him not to have sex with our mutual friend during this 'break'", when you said that, I thought that was an awfully odd thing to say to someone when you didn't mention them having sex before the breakup happened. So, that leads me to believe that he was doing this behind your back all along.

Regardless if I'm right or not, the important thing is to think about you. This is a time for you. Don't think of thinking about yourself as something that is selfish, cause it's not. The most important thing right now is for you to heal. And how long should you heal, and what you should do to heal? I'm afraid that's a question that only you can answer. You know you better than anyone else.

I'm not going to sit here and tell you that things will get better. Cause there's always a chance that things get worse. I'm not going to sit here and tell you that eventually you'll move on. Some people have a real hard time moving on, especially when it comes to moving on from being heartbroken, because being heartbroken is the worst place to be at.

No, I'm not going to tell you anything that has the possibility of not coming true. Instead, I can give you a foundation on which to build your life back up again. Your foundation has been ripped apart, and the only way to get you back to your former peaceful state will be to build that foundation back up again.

First of all, I want you to know that it's ok to feel all of these negative feelings. Never, in the history of the world, have I read about someone who lost their loved ones, and was immediately able to make a 360, and become fulfilled practically overnight. It doesn't work that way. Never has, and never will. What I want you to do is to allow yourself to be authentic. If you wake up one morning and you're angry and upset, then be angry and upset. If you want to punch something, then punch a pillow or a tree (obviously you don't want to punch someone randomly....but if you feel the need to punch something, punch something that doesn't have feelings like an object of some sort). If you literally want to throw darts at your ex-boyfriends head, then print out a picture of your boyfriend, get a dartboard with darts. Put the picture of your ex on a dartboard and throw darts at your ex's printed head.

Please note, I never advise anyone to do anything illegal, but if you feel like doing something illegal, then find some creative way to channel that anger into something that is legal. (out of respect for my friend, I'm keeping his name anonymous and won't go into much detail), but I had a friend who had to be on medicine because he, in so many words, was a Sociopath. So, there was a lot of things he wanted to do, that he knew wasn't legal. So, what I would do with him all the time was to find legal ways to vent that anger. So, like he would go down to a shooting range and just fire his gun at a shooting range, or he would play on his XBox and would kill a bunch of aliens. But, that was his way of dealing with his "demons" so-to-speak. So, if you need to vent your anger, just be creative about it.

But, it's important to allow yourself to be angry when you're angry, or sad when you're sad. Have you ever went to therapy before? Have you ever had a therapist tell you to scream at the top of your lungs about anything that you're upset about? Do you know why therapists do that? Well, there's one explanation I like the best, and this is how one person put it for me: Sometimes in order for us to feel like a weight has been lifted, sometimes in order to get to a place where we feel lighter and happier, we need to have some way to release those negative feelings so we can make room for the positive feelings. But, when you release these feelings, I want you to be 100% transparent with yourself. I want you to be be truly authentic, and whatever it is your feeling at the moment, to just go ahead and do it. If you want to scream, then scream. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to talk to a friend about stuff, then do that. But, be 100% honest with yourself.

I was once told to think of your emotions as an internal guidance system. The reason we have emotions is to make sure we are living the meaning of our lives. And the meaning for every human's life is to be happy. That's literally how it is. If you are not happy, you are not living your purpose. Your purpose when you get here is to be happy, and whatever that means for you, ,do it! Some people's purpose is simple, such as driving their car on a nice warm Summer's Day. Other people have more complex purpose's, such as, I get great enjoyment when I work on my series using The Sims 4, which takes forever in a day to get done, but it's fun to be able to show other people what I've been able to do.

But, the main thing is, allow plenty of time to heal. If it takes you months, it takes you months. If it takes you years, it takes you years. If it takes you decades, then it takes you decades. As long as you're living honestly, not just to yourself, but to everyone else, then you'll live happily. And, most people appreciate honesty.

A few more things: Although I'm not a licensed therapist (at least not yet), there have been a few things I have studied over the years. There's one therapudic technique that I've found great success in, not just in my own life, but in other's lives. Some call it "The Work" but, the benefits are astounding. I call it "Inner Child Therapy" which involves getting rid of "core beliefs" that affect you in the present. Basically what the therapy does is heal your inner child. There were things you experienced as a child that have caused you to be the way you are right now. For example, let's say I was born into a family that did not like to show emotion. They didn't want people to see them when they were vulnerable, when they were sad, etc... Well, when you're a child, that's when you develop most of your core beliefs. So, let's say that I grew up a little bit, and showing emotion is a struggle. I want to show emotion, but because I grew up around a family that doesn't really show their emotions, now that I'm older I don't know what emotions would be like. The reason I grew up that way, is because, it was the core belief of the family that showing emotion was a BIG no! But now that you're older and can think for yourself, you have the power to change that core belief, or replace that core belief, so that you no longer have to live confused. Basically what you're doing is rewiring your brain to where your core belief is no longer negative, but has a positive effect on you. So message me if you're interested in doing an exercise to get rid of that core belief that's hindering you from achieving real results.

But, if you can take away anything from me, it would be to follow your emotions. Cause, it'll be your emotions that'll lead you to where you need to be. I'm a firm believer in zero coincidences, meaning, life is essentially one big metaphor. Everything that happens to us has a rhyme or reason. It's up to us to figure out why things happen to us the way they do. I can look back and can honestly say that everything that has ever happened to me (whether it be good or bad) was supposed to happen to me. I feel more fulfilled then ever before. The key is emotions though, make sure you follow them. And don't ever feel bad for feeling a certain way. You're a human, and as such, you're going to feel negative emotions, it's perfectly normal! I hope things work out for the better.

Live happily,
-Jake
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby Nicholas » 4 March 2021, 18:06

No matter what anybody says right now, you’ll process this in your own time. As the old adage goes, time heals everything.

However, you should recognise that your ex and mutual “friend” do not respect you in any way.
Rocket_raccoon wrote:and Marmaduke you are a bitch.
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PostThis post was deleted by René on 21 April 2021, 15:49.
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Re: Relationship is Over...

Unread postby HappyTiger » 7 March 2021, 14:26

I am so sorry about your situation.
This is horrible.
Be strong.
I wish that you could meet a good guy who would really love you and be honest with you.

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