Relationship with myself

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Relationship with myself

Unread postby Choicespecs » 21 May 2020, 11:52

I haven't been on here as much as I would like.

Lately, I have been feeling really sad and lonely. The lockdown has really been tough on my mental state. Overthinking a lot about events from my past.

Primarily, I've been really thinking about my life and questioning "what am I doing with myself?".

I've got two degrees up to Masters level and I still just work a part time job in a cafe. I don't really know what I'm suppose to be doing with my life.

I've actually gone back to work in the cafe. While it has been nice to get out of the house. Its made me realise so much more that I need to get out and do something.

Also feeling lonely due to the lack of physical contact. Not even being able to touch friends has been hard. The most I've touch is an elbow. I live with a vulnerable person so I don't want to risk more than I have to.

There is a lot more I've been thinking about. I don't want to slink back into the depths of depression as akin to my teenage years. So I thought I would share.

How is everyone else coping with whats going on? In terms of mental health.
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Eryx » 21 May 2020, 14:30

The first month and a half or so were pretty easy for me because I have my grandmother here all the time and my boyfriend was staying with us. I got my daily dose of sunshine by going out and getting groceries or beer or whatever else was necessary. As quarantine got worse and more cases kept showing up, we started cutting down on our visits outside and then my boyfriend stopped going with me.

Then he left to be with his parents in the countryside and that was quite a blow. I had some weird days.

Now I'm back to normal though. Just trying to be productive as much as I can and having fun online. Boyfriend's coming back on the weekend but we won't be able to see each other for a few days just to make sure neither of us has caught anything.

I don't think any of us feel exactly normal but I'm trying to insist on the mindset that it is temporary and that I just have to get through the day, better even if I accomplish something or learn something I didn't before. I'm using the time to do all the things I always dismissed with, "I have no time for this right now, it's going on the back-burner." At least I'm coming out of it more prepared.

The worst for me is not knowing what will be there when things are more normal again. I've never seen so many of my friends and family losing their jobs at the same time. Restaurants and bars I've gone go my whole life are out of business... It will take a ridiculous amount of time to rebuild and I'm sure the social order in Brazil is going to get worse than it already was.

The fact that our federal government isn't really doing much to contain things is also concerning. There have been moves to make the country less democratic and that makes me have a more pessimistic outlook.

(Having weed helps. A LOT.)
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 21 May 2020, 15:50

Eryx wrote:(Having weed helps. A LOT.)


Amen to this.

I've been lucky enough to keep my full time job and my pay is uninterrupted, thankfully. But I know so many people who have been laid off. So many businesses are out of business - even my barber had to close his shop.

I am having a very hard time not being able to go out and do the things I normally do. I'm not a homebody, I need to see other people and places.

I'm mostly just watching movies with my boyfriend and walking my dog when I'm not working. I get to go back to my office next week though, and I am so excited!
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Choicespecs » 21 May 2020, 20:48

I think it is the hardest thing is not being able to plan properly. The UK government (England specifically) has severly lost the plot.

ShutUpAndBeHappy wrote:I am having a very hard time not being able to go out and do the things I normally do. I'm not a homebody, I need to see other people and places.


Preach it, brotha. I miss seeing people and doing things so much.
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby René » 23 May 2020, 23:24

Choicespecs wrote:How is everyone else coping with whats going on? In terms of mental health.

I guess I'm lucky to be an introvert and to have both of the main people I'm interested in spending time with right here with me.
I don't get out of the house a lot under normal circumstances anyway. Mainly just for walks, which we still do, just in the evening instead of the daytime in order to avoid people.
The only real difference the lockdown is making for me right now is that we all don't have to work as much as usual and so have more time to spend together. Meanwhile, stimulus payments mean we actually have slightly more money than usual. :P

Mental health is better than ever.
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Choicespecs » 27 May 2020, 04:33

René wrote:Mental health is better than ever.


That is so lovely to hear! Honnestly living vicarioisly through this throuple. Aha.

I've hit a wall and had a bad week. I have been suffering from limerence.

I broke up with my long term boyfriend a few years ago. Haven't really had much sex for about 2/3 years. I was very attached. The odd times I did have casual sex is was not great.

I finally started to feel ready to date towards the end of 2019. I met a few lovely boys, but nothing transpired. Then the lockdown happened and I've been really focusing on myself, but that feeling of loneliness slowly became tumultuous over the course of two months. I could not ignore it any longer. I'm someone who needs physical contact. Seeing friends and being too scared to touch them is frustrating. (We could get into why I crave male physical contact because my father rarely showed physical intimicy, but lets leave the Freud at the door).

I *redownloaded Grindr*^gaytm, and honestly my obsession towards anyone who talks to me is not healthy at all. Grindr is a fickle sex app. I get that. But, I thought it would be nice to just chat to some people during lockdown. Not thinking I would be inundated with emotional overload. So I don't think I'm a good candidate for just virtual dating(or hook ups for that matter) . I'm just afraid of not ever being ready to date or constantly suffering from limerence post lockdown.

I just feel frustrated (in every sense of that word) and fedup. I feel like im in a catch 22. On one hand, I would like some male attention and on the other, I'm trying to use this time to move on with my career goals. I really need to move out of my mum's house and take back some independece. She is lovely but I feel stagnated living back at home. I need to find a job that is fulfilling or lead me onto the path that will get me there. But with this lockdown I feel trapped. All the jobs I did apply for before the lockdown told me they lost funding so the job is gone. And now no one is hiring. I'm still applying what ever comes up on my alerts. Throwing spaghetti at the wall and seeing what sticks. Not even caring if I will enjoy the job or not. I just wanna feel a success.

And being a young male, the "frustration" is very exhausting. I can't focus on my work because I feel physically deprived. So I try to remedy this with some virtual male contact and I start suffering from limerence. I just can't seem to catch a break at the moment. I feel like I'm wasting time. Like, I've got such bad FOMO and that time has been stolen from me again. I've barely been sleeping.

Luckily, I started working back at the cafe part time. It is about an hour to walk there. So it is nice to get out of the house and get some exercise. But I sit on my own packing food for Deliveroo. So, I get brief contact with drivers.

Thank you for reading. Just needed to rant and get this out. I feel like im going slightly mad. Feeling better, but mad. Maybe I should step away from the meat Grindr ahaha
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Spacekitty » Yesterday, 06:59

Today I'm "celebrating" day 70 in lockdown. Sounds better than saying being trapped for 70 days. :)

I'm in South Africa and we've been in a national state of lockdown for 63 days. The company I work for asked us to go into self isolation a week before the country did. The first week was madness at home trying to remotely get all my colleagues up to work from home and running some essential personal errands in between.

When the national lockdown came in my hubby was also home for 40 days straight. Was the greatest fun we have had in all the years we have been together (all the financial worries aside). Luckily my income hasn't been affected (as yet :| ) but he has lost a portion of his.

He then had to return to work and weirdly it felt like the end of the world a few days before he started. I'm a very emotional and affectionate person with a little sprinkle of depression and anxiety. :lol:

It's now been 23 days being alone by myself every day and the ups and downs come and go. People always say "I wish I could be such a positive person as you are". But it doesn't come naturally for me. We have a family history of depression and I work real hard on keeping it at bay with positive thoughts, readying and watching positive stuff and cardio.

Between all of that my Mom turned 60 and we couldn't share the day with her. Had a massive party in place before the lockdown and ended up doing a small Zoom party. It would have also been my Gran's 80th if she was still alive and it's my Birthday on 16 June.

During this time I've only been going to the same 3 stores in a small complex for essentials once a week.

Needless to say having a loving partner/s with you during these times definitely makes is so much easier. My heart goes out to you Choicespecs. It can't be easy at all.

My normal day to day consist of helping my hubby get ready for work and once he leaves I do about an hour's cardio followed by a shower and the normal "getting ready". I then check and do a few mails followed by a sea of TV be it news or streaming. At the end of the day I get dinner ready, we spend some time together and go to bed. Rinse and repeat...
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Spacekitty » Yesterday, 07:14

Eryx wrote:It will take a ridiculous amount of time to rebuild and I'm sure the social order in Brazil is going to get worse than it already was.

The fact that our federal government isn't really doing much to contain things is also concerning. There have been moves to make the country less democratic and that makes me have a more pessimistic outlook.


I've been seeing / following the Brazil crisis on CNN. Jair Bolsonaro is very... let's just say "interesting"... :shifty: Saw the footage of the Sao Paulo mass graves and the 800+ death record for one day. It's scary!

We're stuck in a weird position here in South Africa. The government was very proactive with an early lockdown keeping the numbers low and in control but now people are going around saying clearly this isn't that bad and the economy must open. Making it out to be a simple flu. :| I do agree the economy must open but carefully. We're in a worse position when it comes to money if you compare us to the US and we've been in a tight national lockdown for longer. People are poor and hungry saying thay they are going to die of hunger before COVID-19 can get to them.

I see the interesting extremes between us and Brazil. Go for a stronger lean towards money and people will die of the virus. Go for a stronger lean to keep people safe and they will die of hunger. Such a difficult position the world is in at the moment... :(
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Re: Relationship with myself

Unread postby Eryx » Yesterday, 16:05

Well, the Brazilian government has been paying allowances to everyone under a salary threshold and everyone is getting unemployment checks, so nobody is really going to die of hunger, but it's still difficult to make it work, it's very little money.

But that's the argument for those who want things to reopen, that people are going to die of hunger and that not working is worse than risking the disease. Kinda fucked up in my opinion.
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