Relationship with parents after coming out

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Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby MaxKS » 27 June 2021, 10:36

Hi. My name is Max. I wanna apologize in advance for my English and the mistakes I can make.
I’m from Russia. My parents stopped communicating with me & kicked me out of our home after my coming out. I’ve always thought my parents are kind & understanding persons & I didn’t expect such reaction. They were really emotional. My mom was hysterical and said a lot of things to me like “ What did we do wrong?” and etc. My father hit me about 4 times. And finally they’ve said “You are not our son anymore”. I was 17. It was the summer after my graduation from the high school. I live in the student dormitory & need to work & study a lot. My family still doesn’t communicate with me (even my younger brother, I think my parents don’t allow him) but I still love them even after 3 years have passed. Probably it was my mistake to tell parents I was gay…
So I want to ask how did you cope with the fact you can't communicate with your family? How to deal with self-hatred? How to find friends in a homophobic country? How to stop being afraid to be yourself?
Just wanna stop all this…
I don’t feel safe.. I wanna be myself…
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby Eryx » 27 June 2021, 13:48

I don't think it's a mistake to come out and be yourself. It's their mistake to disown you and not take care of a child in need. You're healthy for loving them, but it's unhealthy to expect anything else from them at this point.

I'll say what I say to anyone who comes here from a homophobic country: try to leave. Save on everything you can, live a shitty life for a few months or maybe even a year, and get out. Start over somewhere else. Even if you're poor in a different country, and even if it'll take time for you to build a real family and community out of friends you get close to, at least people will respect you and love you for who you are.

It's tough but it's worth it. You don't owe Russia your happiness.
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby MaxKS » 27 June 2021, 14:18

Eryx wrote:I don't think it's a mistake to come out and be yourself. It's their mistake to disown you and not take care of a child in need. You're healthy for loving them, but it's unhealthy to expect anything else from them at this point.

I'll say what I say to anyone who comes here from a homophobic country: try to leave. Save on everything you can, live a shitty life for a few months or maybe even a year, and get out. Start over somewhere else. Even if you're poor in a different country, and even if it'll take time for you to build a real family and community out of friends you get close to, at least people will respect you and love you for who you are.

It's tough but it's worth it. You don't owe Russia your happiness.


I don’t know how to leave Russia. I think lots of people hate russians. But I’ll try to learn more about leaving the country.
Just for real I have nothing here. I have no close friends, no family (they’ve stopped communicating with me at all) & at least no support.
I was homeless till I got an ability to live in the dormitory & worked as a mover at construction.
That’s why I’m scared to be homeless again.
But from the other site I’ll have a chance to be happy.
It’s really hard for me to tell you all this but I have no one to ask an advice.
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby Eryx » 27 June 2021, 17:46

You seem to have very good English and people don't hate Russians. I used to love Russia, I studied its History, I learned cyrillic and I wanted to go to Russia when I got my exchange to the United States.

People won't hate you for being Russian. Try to gain the skills you can and save money and then whenever you can, get a passport and go somewhere else. Search for LGBT organizations that can host you and help you get on your feet.
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby MaxKS » 27 June 2021, 18:29

Eryx wrote:You seem to have very good English and people don't hate Russians. I used to love Russia, I studied its History, I learned cyrillic and I wanted to go to Russia when I got my exchange to the United States.

People won't hate you for being Russian. Try to gain the skills you can and save money and then whenever you can, get a passport and go somewhere else. Search for LGBT organizations that can host you and help you get on your feet.


Thanks for answering me. I feel happy I told someone the thing destroyed my relationship with family. I know in many countries people don’t like Russians at all maybe I’m wrong. Getting a work visa is known to be a really hard task to do.
Can you tell me about organizations which can help lgbt people if you have the time? Just I have no one to ask about it.
Thank you in advance
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby pppppp42 » 28 June 2021, 01:11

I agree with Eryx.
I don’t personally know any people in the USA that hate Russians, especially Russians that are having to leave the country because your government is a real danger to you.
There are some people here that are very distrustful of the Russian government but that would be even more reason for them to support you in leaving.
I don’t know how such things work but I would think you might even be able to get assistance from groups here because of your circumstances.

Maybe the news media exaggerates the situation there but it seems a very dangerous country to be openly gay in both from the government and from ordinary citizens.

Edit: I don’t know if Russia is like China where the internet is closely regulated but you should be able to search for groups that can help or at least point you in the right direction.
Here is one I found:
https://rusalgbt.com/
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby Eryx » 28 June 2021, 18:44

The Marks JCH is providing assistance to lesbian and gay Russian-speakers – individuals and families who are fleeing Russia and Ukraine following a growing wave of discrimination and violence aimed at LGBT community. The Marks JCH offers comprehensive support and serves as a hub for LGBT Russian-speakers.

Our experienced staff focuses on provision of concrete services to refugees and asylum seekers. Case management will enable each client to be assessed for and receive from among the following services:

- English for Speakers of Other Languages
- Guidance in opening bank accounts
- Referrals for health insurance
- Assistance obtaining local identification papers
- Access to the Marks JCH health and wellness programs
- Space for peer support groups
- Psychological support
- Referrals to partner agencies where needed, such as NYLAG for pro bono legal assistance in pursuing asylum.
- In cases where appropriate, emergency cash assistance is provided. Additional social components include access to children and family programs and peer support groups.

Key info:
Schedule: Monday – Thursday, 10:00 am – 6:00 pm
Contact: Michaela Slutsky, 718-943-6326 or 718-331-6800 ext 190
Fees: None
https://www.jchb.org/lgbt-center/
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby Eos » 2 July 2021, 18:36

Woaw I'm impressed you managed to find links that will definitely help him. I always wondered how I would manage if I were to be born in Russia.
It's good to see there is people reaching out to them.
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Re: Relationship with parents after coming out

Unread postby LGBT NEWS » 25 July 2021, 17:22

My opinion to this question - if we live with parents, someone may be think that they don't love them. But if we don't live with parents we miss them. That's the standart situation :keke:
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