Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

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Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby lordmikey » 7 January 2020, 22:09

I will try simplify this as much as possible, but I am seeking advice and direction on where to go with my problem.
I am 31 and my boyfriend is 34. Next month we will have been together for 5 whole years. Something I usually try put to the back of my mind, has now weighed in on me with the current situation and thinking, wow 5 years.

My boyfriend is in the closet, not out at all, and it is more or less a secret relationship. I myself am out. My family and my close friends know I am with a guy, his name and that is it. He has always said he will never meet my family though they'd like to meet him.
He unofficially moved in with me in my flat in Liverpool in September 2018. In early 2019 he had applied for a job in South Wales, and was successful, so we started looking for a flat in South Wales. I handed in the notice on my flat, and we moved in June 2019 (I wasn't then in employment).

He started his job, and I found some temp work thats only just finished this new year. At Christmas we both went back to see family. A few days ago when we were back home, my boyfriend received some texts from his Mum, she had invited herself to the flat to stay a while and said she would be there the next day. Apparently she is like that and won't take no for an answer. My boyfriend tells me and says he is sorry for his family, and that his Mum had asked him over Christmas his living arrangements even asking if he lived with anyone, to which he said No, he lives alone.

So he asks me to leave that day and go back to Liverpool taking quite a lot of stuff of mine back too. I am just like 'um... ok?' So I am now at my parents in Liverpool wondering when I can go back home, and wondering how long is he going to play this game.
Originally when first with him I wasn't going to push him to come out, I thought he would do it in his own time, and five years later I am kicked out of our own flat as his Mum is completely oblivious of my existence.

I don't know how long I can go on living like this, trying not to slip up on Facebook with posts about my whereabouts in case his friends get wind and countless other things. To him it must come as second nature, but to have gone on this long... I just don't know.
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 8 January 2020, 06:53

Hi there.
Wow, that's a tough situation! In my honest opinion, you guys really need to have a serious talk. It's one thing to be scared of coming out to your family - I know that all too well. However, you have been together for five years and live together. You gave up your home so that you could move in. Asking you to essentially move out every time a family member wants to come visit is not on at all.
I understand you have invested a lot of time in this relationship and obviously have formed bonds etc., which I won't downplay. At the same time, though, you have to take care of yourself. If he isn't serious enough about you, then why keep putting yourself through this pain and anguish? In all frankness, this does not seem like a healthy relationship. Wishing you the best here!
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Eryx » 8 January 2020, 21:34

I would never ever accept something like this, but that's just me...
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby rogonandi » 9 January 2020, 09:38

Eryx wrote:I would never ever accept something like this, but that's just me...

That’s right. Dating such a coward seems like a huge waste of time and energy.
People love to follow fools; they don't feel so alone then.

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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Brenden » 9 January 2020, 13:57

rogonandi wrote:
Eryx wrote:I would never ever accept something like this, but that's just me...

That’s right. Dating such a coward seems like a huge waste of time and energy.

Especially in Great Britain in 2020. Like, c'mon. Same-sex marriage has been legal for the entire timeframe of this relationship, same-sex partnerships had been in place for a decade before that. Completely equal discrimination protections have been in place for a decade.

A poll conducted in 2017 found that 77% of British people were in favour of same-sex marriage. Even a decade before that in 2007, 90% of the British public supported outlawing discrimination against people on grounds of sexual orientation!

This person must be a monumental coward to be a 34 year old in the closet in 2020 in the United Kingdom. On the balance of probabilities, most of his family would be fine with it and even if his mother wasn't immediately, considering the society she lives in she'd be hard pressed not to get with the zeitgeist knowing her own son was gay.
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Frigid » 9 January 2020, 16:53

really? Five years of being a doormat...
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby lordmikey » 10 January 2020, 00:02

Thank you all for the replies so far. I know I am a fool, and have let this go on far too long, but between us everything is great apart from him being a closet. I just really don''t know how to address the situation anymore though. With being together so long, I would like to be legally bounded with at least a civil partnership, but that seems highly unlikely in our situation. If I am blunt with him, I know he will get a face on over it. But if I let this lie, will it be the same in another 5 years. I just really thought he'd deal with it in his own time and come out, I didn't expect this fiver years on together.
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Frigid » 10 January 2020, 09:37

You seem to be describing a selfish child in your posts of him...
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby rogonandi » 10 January 2020, 10:55

What does this guy lose potentially by coming out, anyway? What does his family have hanging over him that he’s willing to hide his relationship with you over?
People love to follow fools; they don't feel so alone then.

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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Subra » 10 January 2020, 11:15

People in this thread seem to think homophobia has been erradicated in the enlightened era of 2020; this isn't true. Coming out can cause anxiety since you don't know exactly how it will be received, and this can be made worse if you know your family have expressed homophobic attitudes before. What I would say is that your boyfriend's reaction is an extreme one, but everyone here seems to blaming him for being an asshole. Do you think the man you've come to know over the last 5 years would behave like this for no good reason? Or do you think maybe his worries come from a real place of fear? People do crazy stuff when stressed. Talk to him about why exactly he is afraid of coming out, what he thinks might happen, and let him know you will be there to support him if it comes to the worst. He needs to be made aware that his current plan to hide you away and live two lives isn't sustainable, and will probably damage your relationship.

OP I wish you and your partner all the best, let us know how it goes.
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby MattPSmith » 12 January 2020, 15:34

All i can do is relate to your boyfriend, my family has no idea im bi and they never will! having said that, whenever i dated a guy i was always comfortable being "gay" around friends and his family, it actually made me fell super happy being able to be myself infront of other people.

Maybe he could be more comfortable around your family? Maybe that would be an easier first step?
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Capt._Trips » 12 January 2020, 18:10

MattPSmith wrote:All i can do is relate to your boyfriend, my family has no idea im bi and they never will! having said that, whenever i dated a guy i was always comfortable being "gay" around friends and his family, it actually made me fell super happy being able to be myself infront of other people.

Maybe he could be more comfortable around your family? Maybe that would be an easier first step?


I was going to say something similar to this earlier. Im closeted but i have never had a problem meeting my boyfriend's family or friends. To me it sounds like this guy has a problem accepting his own sexuality. Probably even more then the family. I experienced this same thing when i was a teenager. Almost felt like it was a disability or like there was something wrong with me. Thankfully i grew out of it.

Maybe seeing a therapist would help? Or a couple's counseling? But like the first answer said a serious talk is needed.
Good luck
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Frigid » 15 January 2020, 16:43

I’m still hung up on him throwing you out because mummy wanted to stay.
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby mxguy01 » 15 January 2020, 19:39

Frigid wrote:I’m still hung up on him throwing you out because mummy wanted to stay.

and the thought of "WTF does it take for you to finally say B.S.". There comes a time to cross that line or not. Somehow the ideal of having someone (a partner) with you to me would make that a given.

OP, I can't speak for you but I could not handle being with someone who is closeted, let alone in the way described. I guess the question is can you, and do you even want to, continue to live that way?
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Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby MattPSmith » 19 January 2020, 17:34

Am i the only one checking this thread daily hoping for a happy ending from the op?
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PostThis post was deleted by Capt._Trips on 20 January 2020, 02:37.
Reason: I dont want to be the closeted guy

Re: Secret Relationship of 5 years - Don't know what to do

Unread postby Safigooner » 23 January 2020, 18:30

Wow, tough situation you're in here buddy, but I gotta be honest, it seems to me you sacrifice so much for this relationship to work, I am not sure he does the same. Although I am not familiar with the relationship history, he needs to step his game up. I am not saying come out today, but be more considering of you, realize he too has to put in the effort to make this work.
If you said everything is great in the relationship except this hiding you from the world issue, then I am sure you guys can find a solution here. You just gotta keep addressing it to him, show him that it does actually bother you and make you feel some type of way.
If he truly loves you, then I am sure he will figure something out.
Wish you the best of luck
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