Seeking Advice on Opening Up My Relationship

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Seeking Advice on Opening Up My Relationship

Unread postby Leer91 » 5 January 2019, 04:51

Hi everyone,

I'm Lee, new to the site in search of some advice on something that's playing on my mind a lot recently. With open relationships being such a social taboo I'm struggling with my own thoughts a lot and wanted to 'open' up my thoughts to others and unload some thoughts and feelings.

Here's the situation;

I have been with my partner for 2 years 6 months. Going in I had never had any kind of open relationship or even group sex. Early into our relationship my partner approached the subject and I was very unsure. I'm not overly needy, but I like validation from my partner and I like to feel loved. Since then we've had sex with tonnes of guys together, I've enjoyed it the majority of the time. However since then the support and reassurance I receive from my partner has dwindled. I feel myself hinting and seeing compliments and affection from him but he can be very cold.

In all honesty this is the best relationship I've had and the times we've had sex with other people is such a turn on. But I still struggle with not feeling like I'm enough. Recently my partner has moved to a new city and is now 30 minutes away from me, I'm now also working long shifts resulting in us not seeing each other a lot which I think is having a negative effect.

We were never ever the couple that falls out or argues but now it's happening a lot. I'm a very patient person and arguments seem to always take me by surprise. Even in my work life I have a job that requires extreme patience. He seems to fall out with me and get really angry over the most silly little things that never cross my mind.

I was concerned thay we were drifting apart due to the distance, we also seemed to have conflicting ideas on who we should be having sex with and I said that I would NEVER be open. For me it was always about doing something adventurous together. Having him there was just pure support if anything goes wrong and being able to look over and see him was a kick for me. But not for him. It has become more and more evident that he's more interested in the fact that it's someone new giving him attention rather than me.

It was always 'sold' to me as something for us, he loved seeing me with someone else, it was just meaningless sex. And it is meaningless, in fact his big concern about opening up is that I could get affectionate with someone else. My concern is being on a stressful night shift feeling jealous that my boy is out playing with other guys and my self esteem going downhill.

So now that I have brought up our recent arguments, he thinks beinf open might be a good way to ease some tension. I have thought a lot about it and I'm willing to try it with set boundaries (after brief discussions we appear to be on the same page with what is acceptable). But my big concern is what if his agitation and argumentiveness isn't coming from lack of freedom or lack of sex? Am I just setting myself up for prolonged heart break by trying this out when we are already rocky?

I guess I am just looking for advice from anyone who has had a similar situation (hopefully success stories!)

Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel like I'm stuck in my own head with this whole thing.

Thanks so much for reading :)

Ps. we did end up being separated by circumstance during a sexual encounter and I ended up absolutely hating it, partly I feel because it was a surprise and we hadn't discussed it before going in. Which is another worry for me that I'm just not the type of person to have sex without my partner there.
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Re: Seeking Advice on Opening Up My Relationship

Unread postby PopTart » 5 January 2019, 12:31

Hey Leer.

There is nothing inherently wrong with open relationships. I should probably start off with that. Because it's often clear i don't like them for myself and it's best to get that bias out of the way early. So you may find what i have to say next, more readily dismissed if it doesn't ring true for YOU :thumbsup:

As an outside observer, it's often been my experience, that open or poly relationships, require supreme levels of communnication and trust to work properly, let alone well.

A realtionship under strain, is rarely helped by adding in extra complications, which is what other people tend to produce once they get involved in your sexual or romantic dynamic.

I've often seen people shift to open relationships, when there are unresolved issues in their relationship that one or both parties either doesn't know how to or isn't willing to, address or confront. It's that "lets try opening up our relationship? Maybe things will get better" approach that often times is a prelude to walking away rather than working on something.

Generally speaking, things don't get better, they get different and if what you want is a change in the nature of your relationship, then that might be well and good. You just have to consider what shape that change might take. It may be positive (stranger things have happened!) but it may not.

If your relationship is already on the rocks, your having arguements, feeling estranged and isolated, at odds and out of sorts with one another, in my honest opinion, thats not an optimal time to be introducing other factors that might compound those issues.

What you could benefit from is talking to eachother about what you both really want out of the relationship your in, do you still see yourselves together long-term, do you still care for eachother in the same way as you have before, are those feelings mutual.

Are the issues you are experiencing coming from changes in your lives and lifestyles and if you both still wish to be together, how can you two work together, within your relationship to make things work well. Bringing in other people at this stage, I think is just throwing fuel on the fire.

Thats not to say that you shouldn't or couldn't get back to a place where having other people join yu guys in the bedroom. But more to suggest that, right now, you need to shore up the relationship your in, before going back out and exploring those other experiences.
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Re: Seeking Advice on Opening Up My Relationship

Unread postby Aunty Eva » 7 January 2019, 08:26


Open Relationships in the Gay Community is becoming more and more common. I personally am monogamous, I have tried it and it failed miserably for me. If you are uncomfortable with it for any reason you are insecure or feel that it is going in a direction you are uncomfortable with you should speak to your partner about it. A relationship is about compromise, love, and compassion for each other. If he loves you, he will understand your feelings and in my opinion be at least open to reclosing the relationship working on it together to build the solid foundations back and then when you are ready, consider reopen it.

By the sounds of it, you are quite happy with "Playing together" but it is the fear of not being enough and feeling like he needs more than you. I personally would not want to be in this relationship. I would tell him that you are more comfortable when you meet others in group situations together but not the idea of meeting people separately.

On another note, I work for a sexual health charity, I would also be concerned about your sexual health and his. Are you both playing safe? If not the chances of STI infection are higher with multiple partners. I would recommend a trip to your local sexual health screening clinic for tests.

Sorry that you are in the situation you are in, I hope he will listen to your feelings and be prepared to meet you half way. If not, I'm afraid you may have to be strong enough to walk away.

Kind Regards

Kyle Hussey
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Re: Seeking Advice on Opening Up My Relationship

Unread postby mxguy01 » 8 January 2019, 00:16

PopTart wrote:... that open or poly relationships, require supreme levels of communnication and trust to work properly, let alone well...

Well leave it to me to pick the most difficult thing to be even wrt being gay. Add honesty to that list.
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