Sexless relationship

I sort of wanted to ask for advice because this thing has been going on for too long.

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years.At first,we were just Grindr fuck buddies but we fell for each other.Well,I fell for him.He seemed to feel the same way because we were constantly meeting up for dinner and we were hanging out together.So,it wasn't just sex.

At that time,the sex was brilliant.Intense,passionate etc.But he kept on not wanting to be in a relationship with me.

As time went on and things happened,we decided to officially be together and live together etc but he wanted us to meet up with guys for threesomes because he is into that and because he doesn't believe in monogamy. Reluctantly,I reached the same conclusion and said yes.The other option at the time was a fully open relationship and I couldn't handle that.

The problem is,ever since then,it feels like he hasn't really been interested in having sex with me.He has trouble getting hard,he doesn't initiate anything.And when I tried,he was quite unresponsive.Basically,we hardly have sex.

But he is constantly on Grindr and there were times when we broke up or had an open relationship and he shagged men with no issues whatsoever.I thought at first that he is more into the threesome bit and not 121 but,he has been with some men for 121s and had no troubles getting hard or anything.

I don't think I'm his type.Confronted him about it and he denied that accusation.The thing is,I'm not insecure.I know I'm attractive.A lot of people find me attractive,just not the closest person in my life.And the worst bit is,we get along so well and have so much fun together.But the sex is just...gone.

René wrote:

Psychopath wrote:As time went on and things happened,we decided to officially be together and live together etc but he wanted us to meet up with guys for threesomes because he is into that and because he doesn't believe in monogamy. Reluctantly,I reached the same conclusion and said yes.The other option at the time was a fully open relationship and I couldn't handle that.

Yeah, that's...not really how it works. He kind of cornered you into an arrangement you were never really happy with. (Maybe not on purpose, but that was the effect, from the sound of it.)

That aside, you need to communicate with him, openly and honestly, about how you both feel about the situation and where he and you see it going. Is he happy with the way things are right now? (You clearly aren't. He needs to understand that.) Is this relationship important to him? Would he be willing to try to work on fixing this rather than just seeing other guys for sex? Etc.

I would be careful to avoid expressing anything that could be misinterpreted as an ultimatum, but he has to understand that this is not a sustainable situation for you.

It's funny because when I decided we should be open he was very much against it.And he would get extremely jealous and needy.He also wanted to have more sex with me to sort of stop me from having sex with other men.

But when it's just us on holiday or,I dunno,lockdown,there's hardly any sex.And I stopped trying a long time ago.Whenever I argued with him about it he made me seem like a sex crazed maniac "You make it all about sex.I enjoy spending my time with you"....but at the same time,he enjoys an anon quicky more.

Ah,the other reasons apparently are he's either asexual or he feels fat and ugly with me.

I stumbled upon a guy on Grindr once who warned me about him and said he gave him the same reasons.He was asexual but he was fucking around with other men.That guy actually followed him and stuff but still...same thing happening to me.

And I am literally going insane.I'm starting to get blood pressure issues and stuff from all the bottled up anger.I am trapped...financially.I can't get out.I'm fucked.

If you know you can't make it on your own and that things aren't working, it's time to accept that this isn't what you want and that you need to work on yourself. Take steps to become independent and break things off. Unless you're not unhappy enough with the situation to just drag it out indefinitely. There's no easy out for things like this.

Also I assume you're from the UK by looking at your flag? Unless there's some debt you need to pay every month or someone from the past you need to support, the only thing making you "financially dependent" is the fact that you want to keep your life standards the same. Even working at McDonald's could work if you really wanted to try for something else desperately. List out your priorities and go after achieving them.

Maybe try a sex therapist if you're both open to it.

McTaggartfan wrote:Maybe try a sex therapist if you're both open to it.

Forgot to mention. I am sorry that you've got to deal with this. It sounds like it's a strain on the relationship and, certainly, it doesn't sound easy. Best of luck to you!