Should I end casual relationship?

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Should I end casual relationship?

Unread postby MarkWalton31 » 1 March 2022, 12:48

Hi,
I'm a 31 year old gay guy. I've been casually dating a guy for about a year. We were in more of a serious relationship before that. I actually wanted to break up, but agreed to go casually, seeing as I still enjoyed his company. I'm generally quite passive and not that in touch with my emotions, whereas my partner is more emotional.

When we discuss where we're at relationship wise, it's always initiated by him. Which is fine. But I'm quite emotionally unavilable and don't like those kind of discussions.

We've said it's ok if we both want to see other people. We've also said we're happy with our casual relationsip and we meet every week. Howver, he's been asking more and more if I'm happy with this, and was asking me if I'd be ok with him dating someone else. Maybe as a test. As he keeps asking, I don't think he is happy with our relationship, and he wants more. He told me he's vulnerable. Now I'm thinking I should just break it off, and not let this drift on and hurt him more maybe.

I've been having doubts anyway but never discussed them really as for me it's either keep going or break up. No room for discussion etc. He also has generalised anxiety and OCD, and is usually stressed about someting everytime we meet. He's aware of it at least and does try, but I find him uptight sometimes. I'm more of a person who lives in the present and up for fun etc. I also realised I don't feel that excited to see him anymore, and I think the relationship has run its course. I also seem to have more negative thoughts than positive. Like how I'm more masculine and he's more camp/feminine, gets upset/moody when it rains etc.

Should I break up with him? I wish I'd been more proactive and maybe done it earlier. It might look bad that I only break up because he initiated some deeper chat about our relationship. I don't want him thinking he's done anything wrong, or caused the breakup or anything. I guess he just got me thinking more. I know I'm at fault too, I have a fear of conflict and tend to shy away from any difficult conversations/situations.

Advice much appreciated, thanks
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Re: Should I end casual relationship?

Unread postby pozzie » 1 March 2022, 22:07

Welcome to the forum! :)

You two sound very different but it also seems like there is some underlying friendship between you two. Think about this: next time he asks if it's okay if he dates someone else, give him your kindest smile and say something like, "Of course it is." The basic idea at play here is to be a great friend and encourage him to be happy going forward.

Look honestly within yourself. You write about both being passive and unhappy with the current situation. You used to at least find some comfort in the time you shared with your ex who is now a friend. If you are really not interested in a relationship with this individual, you need to decide how to share that information with your friend. While I understand that some of your friend's personality traits might not make him your ideal partner, focus more on reasons related to who you are and what you want, at least to defend your statement you don't want to be in a relationship with him. Do you even want a relationship with anyone right now?

While not everyone can be friends after breaking up, it sounds like you two are sort of there, sort of not. A not-quite-a-relationship isn't good, especially when one of the partners is really looking for more from the situation. You can try to be a good friend, but if that doesn't work out, then yes, it might be time for a real break. Maybe there was something you two enjoyed doing in summer. If so, suggest spending some time apart (no regular, weekly meetings) but that you'll get together to go to the amusement park or rafting or whatever you two enjoyed doing together. If you guys lose touch and make new friends, that's okay too. It's also not unlikely that a bit of distance will help both of you find a bit more clarity in your feelings towards each other as well as your desires for the future.
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Re: Should I end casual relationship?

Unread postby PopTart » 1 March 2022, 23:42

You've already answered your own question.

You aren't emotionally invested, you aren't able to provide him what he is clearly looking for.

We could try to figure out, if his asking you about dating someone else, is really a round about means of getting some kind of emotional reaction from you, to tell him to stick around, or if he has just come to accept there are things he wants you can't give him.

But none of that really matters.

By your own admission, you don't even enjoy his company much of the time, he doesn't thrill you in anyway and you sound like you'd be just as happy without him as with him.

The relationship has been over for sometime, it seems that you each have struggled to end it and move on, when perhaps you should have.

Do it sooner rather than later, for both your sakes.
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