Should I let go? Really confused

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Should I let go? Really confused

Unread postby ughj » 18 March 2021, 09:05

Hi everyone, I really need some advise and I think I might've waited for too long before asking for it so the topic might be a bit long.

So here is the deal I am bisexual 21 yrs old, not out and the only person who knows is the guy I deeply fell in love with and the one who messed me up and turned me upside down for the past 8-9 months probably. He's 19, not out, not sure what's going on in his head tbh.

So we are from a relatively small town and all know each other, I'd noticed he's been looking at me with some kind of interest ever since everything began..

Last summer somehow we ended up drinking together in the same company one night and we ended up sitting next to each other, got drunk and I couldn't help it but start hugging him and stuff we even held hands under the table, but I blamed it on the alcohol and thought he's just playing around, acting a fool.. In the next 3-4 months we started hanging out together and became reeealy close friends, I shared pretty much everything with him and so he did with me, the thing is every time we are (were) together we always ended up flirting shamelessly, hugging for hours holding hands even me kissing him on the cheeks and everything, but he never wanted to talk about it and every time I've tried he's either told me he's been acting a fool or blame me I'm gay and stuff even though I could see him enjoying me hugging and petting him and so on..

I ended up opening up about my feelings one night when we were drinking again (yes we did drink a lot that summer) and he told me he's known it for some time, but he stayed.. It all just added up, every single time we were together stuff like this happened, just glimpses and shy touches at the beginning to him actually laying with me in my bad and me petting his head and face and seeing he enjoying every second of it, BUT never talking about it, always changing the topic and...Blaming me I'm gay and stuff. He's done and said things that have left me confused for days and days breaking me over and over again..

I've seen him flirt with other guys too, laying in them holding hands with them and etc.. In the beginning he did let me go trough his phone and at one point..he stopped as if he was hiding something.. I've seen him text some weird stuff like kissing and hearth emojis with other guys too saying like it's something ordinary for him..

Anyway, one night we were drinking again,yeah I know, and I ended up breaking a car's mirror, breaking my knee going to hospital and all of my friends, including him, getting arrested because of it, I stayed at the hospital for about 2 weeks, we were talking and texting and all of a sudden he just started ignoring me..Kept ignoring me for 4 damn months till one night I was hanging out with other friends of mine and all of a sudden him and some friends of his joined us, he sat by me and started talking to me as if nothing happened, following him calling and texting me since then, continuing to do all these things he did before, but a bit different this time considering we were around other people. He's always said he is not gay or bi and that he does NOT have feelings for me, always blaming me for my feelings saying it's wrong and so on continuing to play around with them at the same time.

Before he started ignoring me he did have a girlfriend, I've asked him if he loves her and so on, he's said he does not, even said stuff like, she doesn't know about us blah blah, now he has another one saying he likes her and is a bit more distant to me.. I just don't know what to think anymore, I fell in love with him sooo bad it's just killing me. I wonder if I should just let go and continue with my life.. Need your advise really. I might've missed something and I apologize for the topic being this long, and would appreciate it if you've read it through..
Thank you.
ughj
 
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Re: Should I let go? Really confused

Unread postby Eos » 19 March 2021, 07:03

In my opinion you need to stop seeing him. It doesn't even matter if he sees other people, he is toying with you and you are very unlikely to get the thing you're looking for.

The part were he says being gay is wrong is just him convincing himself he is not gay.

You're both very young, and I'm gonna be honest while I was on the dating scene I've never been able to meet people that are 19 yo, because most of the time they don't know what they want and act very weirdly.

So I say you should move, even if it is not easy. There is much better people than him.
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Re: Should I let go? Really confused

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 19 March 2021, 09:03

Ugh! Men are so weird! To this day, I will never understand why men do what they do.

Anyway, so first of all, you should know that you have the ingredients necessary to have a loving relationship with another man. Yes, you are essentially a "diamond in the rough" so to speak. Because it sounds like to me you're willing to look past a person's flaws, because you realize that real love requires you to see a person as a person.

So, I've talked about this before, but I have this theory called a "mirror theory" which basically states that, in most cases (not all) but in most cases, everyone we come in contact with in our lifetime are essentially like mirrors. There are some people who we get along with just fine, and that's because they "mirror" traits within us that we like about ourselves.

The hardest people to get along with are those that mirror traits that we find undesirable within ourselves. But, there are variations of this too, meaning, there are just some people who simply are incompatible with you, meaning it doesn't matter what either of you say or do, there is no growth that can happen between you two. You are simply too opposite, and because of such, you'll never be able to properly grow on your current life paths.

This is where it gets interesting. So, when we get involved in relationships, and we "fall in love" and are "attracted" to another person, the reason why this happens is because the person you want to be with will help you tremendously on integrating the parts of you that are good and bad. Since we are humans, whether anyone wants to admit to this or not, we have good things and bad things about us.

So, when we're in a relationship, there are times of contrast, or when both of your differences come out. When this happens, it's really an opportunity, because again, you're both showing each other that there's a problem in the relationship that has to be resolved. To illustrate this, I want you to pretend that you're in a dark room and you have a flashlight, and in this room there are millions of clones of you. Some of these clones are the good parts of you, and some of these clones are the bad parts of you.

I want to think of your relationship as the flashlight you hold. So, if you turn the flashlight on, and shine it on a good clone, that means that there are times when your relationship will make you feel good about yourself. Because you're illuminating, or making yourself aware of the good things about the both of you.

And, there are other times when you will shine the flashlight on the bad clones or the parts of you, you find undesirable. The reason why this happens is because this process of integration is trying to make you aware of your own flaws. It's trying to get you to accept that this is a part of who you are, whether you want to admit it or not. So by working through those times of contrast, you start to "integrate" or you become aware of your flaws, and can accept that you're a flawed human being.

It sounds cliche, but, there's a reason why some people say their other half "completes" them. That's because, the relationship they're in makes them realize that there are good parts and bad parts to them, and by shining a light on both and working through those parts (especially the bad), you start to feel "complete" or "whole." Which is really what a relationship is supposed to do.

So, knowing all of this, and reading about your relationship with this man, we have an issue in this relationship. It sounds like you're heavily invested in this person. You can see the beauty in being in a relationship with this man, even when he hesitates and says that it's not right to be in a relationship like this, blah blah blah. However, the issue is, you're showing him a part of himself that for whatever reason he doesn't want to accept.

In other words, whether he wants to admit it or not, there's a part of him that wants to have a relationship with another man. Because you said so yourself that, he likes to be petted and to be acknowledged from a man that he is loved by another man. But, for whatever reason, he doesn't want to work on that part of himself. In some strange way, he see's that as a bad thing, and when shown this, he doesn't want to talk about it or resolve this part of him that is trying to integrate.

So, the only thing you can do is talk to him in depth about this. Because, it looks like to me he's using a girl as a front to not having to admit that he might like being with a guy. So, you're going to have to pull him aside and just talk about things. Tell him how you feel, and tell him that you would like to pursue a relationship with this man. But ultimately, it is his decision on whether or not he wants to be with you.

If he dumps the girl and wants to be with you, then that's at least somewhat of a sign that he wants to work with you on your relationship or that he at least is willing to work through it. If he doesn't pursue a relationship with you, while it will be heartbreaking, it's probably better to not get involved with him. Cause, whether he wants to admit it or not, he's fracturing himself. He's breaking himself, and unfortunately, that problem will keep coming up in his life till it gets resolved. That's how integration works, and until he resolves that part of him, he will ALWAYS run into that problem.

Relationships are 2 way streets. Both parties have to really be willing to put in an equal amount of effort in order for it to work. But, if both parties really work hard to make things work, the results are so satisfying.

That's my 2 cents...hope it helped (SORRY, I know this is a long post, but I wanted to help the best way I could....sorry....)
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Should I let go? Really confused

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 19 March 2021, 09:04

Again, sorry, long post....I know...sorry....
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
Raynethemagi
 
Posts: 199
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Re: Should I let go? Really confused

Unread postby ughj » 19 March 2021, 13:50

I’m very thankful for the replies. Since we hang out together in the same group of people I might just give it a bit more time and..well I might just move on in the end...The thing is we become closer and closer as friends every time we are together and losing him means I’m also losing a friend,but that might be for the better as well...
ughj
 
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