sole mate

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sole mate

Unread postby NvM » 17 October 2019, 15:16

You know the sole mate is a junk concept.

Hope you all have initially chosen the best partner you can:
-easy way out
whats a long term relationship? Your together for 6mo and than both your names wind up on the lease. Than you buy a washer dryer combo machine. Two years later one of you smashes up their car and now your sharing the remaining car. So your into this for 10 years and you now live in a mid rise condo.
at some point each one of you will have significantly changed. People continue to develop and their goals dreams etc change too. Do both husbands, after 10 years, still even represent a shred of their original self they were way back when. NO. Both peeps have the same interests that add up to a single sustainable life. More or less as equals you roll through life trying not to be possessive on who has the larger take home pay... etc.
or
-just fit together
One partner has a functional W2 income. The other is a house husband who's effective after taxes in come more. Someone likes dogs and the other cats. One can work on cars and the other always has a smile that affirms the positive++. One has a good wardrobe, the other still has the body to wear the stuff.

Your in a committed relationship, married what ever. You are yourself + half or more of a joint relationship. Than possibly / maybe the two husbands add up to >2.


all obvious but seems like this needs to be repeated from time to time.


:heart:
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Marmaduke » 17 October 2019, 15:51

I don’t think someone being my sole mate needs to be that complicated. As I see it, we just need to have the same size feet and an agreement to share shoes.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Eryx » 17 October 2019, 16:29

I think you mean "soulmate," as in, the mate for your soul, not your sole (which is the sole of your shoes).

I don't subscribe to that idea either, but I do think there can be a few people who captivate you enough to make things feel deeper than they ever did with anyone else. I still believe the first guy I loved was the one I loved the most intensely, something completely different from anything that happened afterward. I feel that if there was a chance we could be together, it would probably all come back just with the same intensity as I felt it at first.

That's way far from considering him a "soulmate," but I kind of understand where the concept comes from.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby mxguy01 » 17 October 2019, 17:22

I'd say that is the idealized version of soul mate, sort of. You lost me when you went to "house husband" and the rest that you implied along that line. While some seem to need that "doting" partner I much prefer an strong and independent person at that point in an relationship.

Soul mate to me is two people who just seem to know each other and get along even without having to think about it.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby NvM » 18 October 2019, 13:58

seems everyone has an opinion what works
what would be your 2nd best situation and still be functional?


seems last few posts this section were mid lifers looking for a more drama disaster in the lives of others. and them shelves
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Botanical Boy » 18 October 2019, 14:14

Marmaduke wrote:I don’t think someone being my sole mate needs to be that complicated. As I see it, we just need to have the same size feet and an agreement to share shoes.


You beat me too it. :lol:

NvM wrote:You know the sole mate is a junk concept.

(cont...)

I'm a bit confused by what you're saying here. If you're going to use that term, I think people can be soulmates without being tied to each other financially. The way that you've described is almost that without any intent those two are financially dependent on each other. This may be true of a lot of relationships but I wouldn't consider this normal.

I think if you're in a long term relationship and have pretty much aligned aspirations and life goals, you are very much there to support each other through changes in jobs, states of well-being, important milestones etc.

From my point of view I think whilst people do change, any huge deviations from your values 10 years into a relationship would be very unusual although I have seen it happen.

This couple (straight) was together for 10 years, got married, less than one year into the marriage is was annulled because the groom expressed that he wanted their children to be raised pretty much off-the-grid in a hippy-dippy kind of way where as the bride didn't want that at all. She had a very clear picture of what schools they would attend etc. For some reason that had never come up before and for them, was a deal-breaker.

I know that I'm not going to wake up one day and becoming a conspiracy theorist/flat-earther so me and my husband won't have that kind of bust-up. :lol:

I also believe that if you're to use to the term 'soulmate', it can also apply to platonic friends as well:
mxguy01 wrote:Soul mate to me is two people who just seem to know each other and get along even without having to think about it.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Eryx » 18 October 2019, 14:49

Lol you're the one completely disillusioned due to probably a bad personal experience and we're the ones looking for a "drama disaster."

I'm 27. Is that what "mid-lifer" means now? Also, aren't you yourself married?
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby mxguy01 » 18 October 2019, 17:36

Hell, I'm a mid-lifer? Did I somehow manage to reverse time? Awesome! LoL Admittedly I've not moved past that mid-life crisis stage but that's different.

Simply just different perspectives and hence different opinions.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby NvM » 18 October 2019, 21:19

:werd: everyone thinks its about them
its not really


instead of finding a mate that has same interests find the one that especially does things well you do not.
there you go
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Eryx » 19 October 2019, 21:33

I just find it really difficult and frustrating to follow your logic sometimes. What exactly are you trying to say with this thread?
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 20 October 2019, 00:33

“Sole” mate. Ugh. Monogamists are just as annoying as vegans I swear.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Derek » 20 October 2019, 00:45

If I was going to mate with a fish I don't think I would pick a flat one.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby NvM » 20 October 2019, 17:18

how about a leather err... relationship
just wondering how that works
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Jryski » 20 October 2019, 17:43

I had an easier time following what koftruecross wrote tbh.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Brenden » 20 October 2019, 21:17

Jryski wrote:I had an easier time following what koftruecross wrote tbh.

Because he was crazy, not stupid.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby Jryski » 21 October 2019, 03:57

Brenden wrote:
Jryski wrote:I had an easier time following what koftruecross wrote tbh.

Because he was crazy, not stupid.

Tis true tis true :lol:
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 21 October 2019, 04:52

Eryx wrote:I just find it really difficult and frustrating to follow your logic sometimes. What exactly are you trying to say with this thread?


I wouldn't say I find it frustrating per se. However, I agree 100% I'm not sure what exactly is being said.

I suppose I don't bother deciding whether there is such a thing as a "soul" mate. Years ago I had someone who I thought was such. He always acted like everything was wonderful, and said the things one would love to hear from a lover. However, it was all just an act.

Now with my current partner of 16+ years, I don't know if I would use the term soulmate as much as my guardian angel. For someone to be loyal for so long, and to be by my side during the worst of times (I almost died a year ago from a bad case of West Nile), I wouldn't think of him in any less way. Sure we have our spats: For example, it pisses me off at times that he still smokes. (He had 5 bypasses several years back, and every one of his doctors put the main blame on nicotine. However, I know it is a very addictive substance. I don't want him to die, nor do I want him to go through the pain he had with his blockage and the time it took to heal. I too have my addictions -- I love carbs and find it hard to give most of them up even though I now have type II diabetes.)

I don't have to be by his side every moment of the day like to peas sewn up in the same pod, but it is SO very comforting that he is the last person I see at night, and the first person I see when I get up -- despite the fact that he loves to twist and turn and take most of the sheets and blanket while he is deep asleep. I do find myself at times looking at him in the morning while he sleeps and thanking my lucky stars that he has put up with me for so long. When I came out of sedation with West Nile, he was by my side and tried to explain how close I came to death, but he couldn't do it without breaking down and crying. This hunk of a masculine man broke down for me. I was an emotional wreck for a time while recovering, and I would keep feeling that he deserved someone better, and much healthier. He would assure me that he wasn't going anywhere, he would always be with me.

Relationships do involve so much more than sex, and intense moments such as dealing with life threatening health events, but when we do those most mundane things I never forget that I wouldn't want to be anywhere other than in a relationship with him.
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 21 October 2019, 10:46

Nope, not following your logic. To each his own, though. As pointed out above, you seem to compare a soul mate with a financial/business partner.... you've described a lot of stereotypes up there, but what do they have to do with soul mates, exactly? Granted you have a lot more life experience than the rest of us in terms of years, but maybe you just haven't found the right one?
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Re: sole mate

Unread postby mxguy01 » 21 October 2019, 17:38

“Sole” mate. Ugh. Monogamists are just as annoying as vegans I swear.



I like to think along the lines that you have your whites and then you have your white-supremacists. So too you have your monogamists and monogamist-supremacists. Any idea carried to an extreme belief tends to be bad.
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