Advice?

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Advice?

Unread postby Lala92 » 15 June 2021, 02:08

Hello! I am reaching out in hopes of getting some sort of validation, advice, or support.

Here is my story -

I met this girl on a dating app (I am also a woman and I date women). She is also queer. We started talking on the app and instantly clicked, after a while we started hanging out, I could feel such amazing chemistry and connection between us. One thing led to another and we established a physical (sexual) relationship, and we were intimate like that for a few (4) months. She soon found out she was moving to a foreign country (very far away from me) for school. I felt heartbroken. I could feel her start pulling away, hanging out with me less, but we still had a very strong emotional connection and kept in contact daily. She then moved and we stopped communicating for almost two months. She reached out to me after those two months and we started reconnecting a bit, and I could feel the same feelings I had for her from before she moved. We kept in touch I would say at least once a week for a few months. Then 2020 happened… and we started communicating daily, and the emotional connection we had felt like it never went away. Fast forward to now, (June 2021) and we still talk almost daily. We have an amazing and strong friendship now, but I still find myself feeling attracted to her. I think she is so amazing, kind, smart, beautiful… all of that. She is still the only person I want to be intimate with physically, mentally, emotionally. I told her last summer that I still felt this way, and she was extremely kind about it, but assured me she wanted us to keep our friendship, as long as it didn’t hurt me. We moved on from it after that and I feel like our friendship grew stronger after I told her my feelings. But, she never told me she didn’t feel the same way for me, she only told me she wanted us to stay friends. So I’m not sure if there is a small part of her that feels the same way towards me … but she is just so busy with school and being in a different country, I feel she had a much more realistic outlook than I do. Currently, I still find myself struggling at times with these feelings of attraction for her. We talk daily, and we have an extremely close emotional bond. I trust her and she trusts me, and we are vulnerable with one another in how we are feeling and what is going on in our lives. However I still find myself having difficulty opening about still having these feelings for her. I feel like since we already had the discussion last year, I would just be repeating myself. I have a pretty good hold on my feelings, and I can be fairly realistic, but sometimes, it is painful to know we probably will never be together. Right now I am feeling it. I have told her I am dealing with some difficult feelings and she has asked if there is anything I want to talk about. Do I tell her? I don’t feel like I should, I really don’t want to put our friendship in jeopardy by telling her I still have these feelings. I feel like she knows, but I am struggling to open up about it again. I have found that keeping quiet is the way to go, and the feelings eventually subside, for a while, until they resurface.

God this is such a ramble 😅 If anyone got through to the end… what are your thoughts about my situation? We live so far apart but have such a strong connection. I know she will be coming back to my country at some point (probably another year with the covid situation) and it has been over 2 years since I’ve seen her. But I feel like our connection just gets stronger over time. We video chat once a week. However I still can’t shake this attraction I have towards her, and I think it’s more difficult because we started out as a “casual” relationship, as in being physically intimate. Now we don’t have that kind of intimacy but our emotional connection is stronger than ever.

Ok… I am done! Thank you so much for whoever reads this. This is very much a stream of consciousness and I apologize if there are any grammatical mistakes. I just want to know if anyone has ever been in a similar situation and/or what you think of my situation. I really love her and care about her, and it’s difficult to not feel ashamed for having these feelings.
Last edited by Lala92 on 30 June 2021, 04:14, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby pppppp42 » 28 June 2021, 00:47

Surprised nobody responded to your first post in what was clearly a heart felt need for this long, clearly we make a half assed support group.

I don’t know that I have the right answer but I have definitely been there if only once, where there was a person, which in this case was also a girl as I am bi so I like them too, who was sexy and beautiful and funny and had great empathy so she cared about the people around her and gave her time and effort to making them happy. She was also super smart so we used to have the most entertaining deep conversations.
Due to various reasons it was impossible for me to actually be with her but I couldn’t stop thinking about her to the point that it dominated my thoughts every day.
I never did figure out if she would have wanted anything more than friendship with me as she would have needed to give up things that I wouldn’t have allowed her to so she could be with me and I liked her (fine, loved her) so much that I put her needs first. That was a very miserable gut punch as there is nobody I feel that way about to replace her.
Unfortunately the way I solved the problem is that I didn’t and I just had to distance myself from her for my sanity, so I’m not much help but at least I don’t think your feelings are something stupid or unreasonable.
Love isn’t logical or practical.

My take on it is that she specified that she wanted to still be friends as long as it didn’t hurt you and its the second part of that sentence that makes me think she understood how serious your feelings were and wasn’t sure if you could handle just being friends without it being really difficult (which it obviously is)

I don’t think you should do anything until she gets back as much as you will hate that answer. Even if you told her and things went well a lot can change in that much time.
Wait until she gets back so you can assess her feelings in person. If by chance she was distancing herself because she knew she would be away so long then something might happen when you get back.
You would at least be able to figure out easier in person if there is still a desire on her part for things to get physical by making move when the time is right, and if she goes that far and still seems as close as ever emotionally maybe it’s time to seriously bring up the issue again.
Probably not much help but thats the best I’ve got.
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Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby Eryx » 28 June 2021, 17:53

I think she probably wants to live her life to the fullest in this different country and her expectations out of life have probably grown a lot now that she lived in two different places and met a bunch of new people with another culture. I agree it's not realistic to pursue more than a friendship, especially because she has already shared what she wants out of the relationship.

Telling her again might make her pull away, so if you really want to be her friend, I wouldn't advise for it. You might need to take some time from this friendship to allow yourself to grow attracted to someone who will be more available physically and emotionally to you. After you move past her, you can try to be friends again.

You could luck out and maybe get her to answer positively to your affections, but then what? You keep being internet girlfriends for years before you can live in the same place, if ever? I don't think this has much of a potential to work out in the end.
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Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby Lala92 » 29 June 2021, 15:27

Thank you all so much for the replies and for reading such a lengthy post!

Unfortunately I have just found out that she has had a boyfriend for quite a while now but was afraid to tell me. So this is pretty difficult to digest now, but I think it is the final push I need to move on and not hang on to these feelings.
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Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby pppppp42 » 29 June 2021, 20:15

Hmm, that sucks but it is nice to have a faster answer so you don’t have to question it for months.
Just be careful of trying to bury your sorrow in a string of rebound relationships.
Right now reliable friends who understand your feelings are the best thing.
Sad thing is most people don’t have many if any of those, me included.
Maybe meet some new ones and who knows, you might find that connection you were looking for.
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Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby Lala92 » 29 June 2021, 23:27

Thanks! I absolutely agree, having close friends is crucial right now. I am not one to open up easily for relationships, so I will probably be even more cautious now before getting myself out there again.

I must say though, what hurts the most is that she didnt tell me this for over a year, because she was afraid it would hurt me. I got it out of her during a discussion we were having, so I don't even think she was planning on telling me unless I had to push like that. I feel like I lost a lot of trust, because looking back I can see all of the lies and deception regarding this certain topic. I know she was trying to "protect" me, but it feels like I was being strung along for emotional support and she felt like if she were to tell me this, I wouldn't provide that support anymore.
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PostThis post was deleted by Lala92 on 29 June 2021, 23:28.

Re: Still in love with my close friend who lives miles away

Unread postby pppppp42 » 30 June 2021, 00:39

People hate having to say stuff like that and hurt someone, especially when they still care about them so they put it off and procrastinate and make excuses to themselves for waiting because they really can’t work up the courage to do it.
A lot of relationships that should end at a certain point get dragged on way too long because one or both people just can’t get themselves to say what needs to be said.
When I ended a relationship after three years living together it was kinda how you said, I knew the relationship was done long before but I just couldn’t say it until it finally sorta came up in a forced conversation and they were pretty shocked when I said it.
It was my fault for being too chicken to confront it sooner but I don’t know that it would have hurt them any less.
In your situation it really should have been addressed sooner to set you free to move on cleaner and faster.
But as much as it sucks at least you can make a new start now.
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