Straight men seeing me as a woman.

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Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby anaisasubele » 11 February 2020, 03:47

Hello everybody,

My first time writing on a forum like this so I'll take it straight to the point. I'm a 18 year old, pushing 19 actually. I am a male, biologically and in whatever any term. I am pretty much grown for my age, meaning I got rid of most of my childish ways and my actions reflect who I am as a person rather than the influence of the enviroment. Dating is normal for people my age, but I prefer men. What happens is that most of the men that cross my path are older and straight.

I do not look for them. I am not seeking an older person, not seeking financial support or anything of that sort: they just do. Two years ago I met a guy. I was 16 at a time, he was 22 (in my country that age gap is normal, so please don't look at it in the American way - it's not as weird as it seems here, you're legal at age 15). At first it was just a friendship, but overtime I started catching feelings for the dude, obviously keeping it in myself due to the fact he is a straight male. He treated me like a baby, would call me his little kid, sending me love emojis and kiss emojis and things of that nature.

Now I want to state right here that no, he is not a creep. He did not have any sexual issues or anything of that sort, and he is not a man with weird fetishes etc. overall just a normal, decent person working in a company. I've kept those feelings for a good while before I admitted them to him. At the time I was already 18, he was 23 pushing 24. He told me straight up that he would "never be like me" (gay), and we ended it at that. But his actions and behavior after I admitted to him started shifting from something innocent that we had into something more out there. He would still call me his little kid and so forth, and he would show me a lot of affection, joking around about how "if you were a girl, we'd be together already" and all. At some point he would send me pictures that I guess you would call soft nudes (no nudity, just showing off the muscles and stuff of that nature). Just acting like a boyfriend towards a girlfriend would in his behavior. And he would never stop talking about the things that would happen if I was a girl.

I've always been a feminine person. Never seen that as a bad thing, it's just the way that I am. When I'm online, everyone immediately assumes I'm a woman because of the way I present myself, but I never pretend to be one. I always say: it's just how I am, I cannot change it. So him talking about all the things we could do and would do if only I was a girl really hurt me, but he didn't know. I loved him, cared for him when no one would. At one point in our "friendship" he got into a relationship, and he would still call me his little kid and things of that nature. When that relationship hit the floor, I was the one to lift him back up.

I know it probably looks so weird to you guys, but he would act almost like a protector and a lover in a sense. Like a husband would towards the wife. I kept on moving, but inside I guess I truly was hurting about the fact the man that I truly loved would never be with me because he is "not like me". At one point he said "I would never like a guy, I'm not gay, but I don't see you as a guy anyways". I paid it no mind and kept on moving for months and months with that friendship that we had even though his jokes and affection truly made me feel in love more and more.

It was not a one-time thing. At some point in my friendship with him there was an another dude that crossed my path. He was more-so my age now, as he was 19. It was at the end of 2019. A masculine, rap-listening guy with a lot of friends and family who simply do not like people like me, and I understand their views. I did not choose to be that way, anyways. We started talking and all of a sudden he started listening to the music that I did (pop music), he started to fanboy pop female artists that most of the gay community listens to. He started showing affection, he started to be soft towards me. At one point I was at a party, drunk, and I texted him some dumb messages that had a sexual subtext, and when I came back (a little more sober), he told me about how he liked that and it made him feel something (a physical reaction if you know what I mean).

So I got into it and our friendship got a little more intimate. At one point we were sending some messages back and forth that had a sexual subtext and all, and again these words... "if only you were a girl". "I don't see you as a boy, I would never like a boy. I'm not like you". And he would not stop with these messages, because he did not "see me as a dude" because of my feminine ways and behavior.

I am over the person that crossed my path during the 2-year-old one guy "friendship". The first guy is still on my mind, and he is still in the picture. I have tried to make up weird situations to make him block me, go away, leave me, because I couldn't let him go. I would block him for an hour and I would feel the urge to text him back saying I'm sorry. I could never leave him and he could never leave me, no matter how many times I have asked for it. He would always say "he can't".

So I am just thinking to myself. Am I the issue? Should I change? Are those people seeing me as a women because they want more "feminine energy" and affection in their life? They did have encounters with lots of girls. The first dude had several long term relationships and he would sleep with girls when he was out of the relationships, overall never had an encounter with a guy. And I am just lost. I love the man who can't love me back because I am not a woman (in society's eyes I guess?), but he still shows me affection and things of that nature because he sees me as a woman in PRIVATE.

Thank you to whoever replies. If my words were unclear at any point please let me know, English is not my first language. Thank you, thank you & thank u. Appreciate you.
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Re: Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby René » 11 February 2020, 09:23

anaisasubele wrote:Thank you to whoever replies. If my words were unclear at any point please let me know, English is not my first language.

I just want to say your English is actually better than that of a lot of people who do speak it as their first language. :awesome: :thumbsup:
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Re: Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby Eryx » 11 February 2020, 12:49

Wow... I don't know what to say. I've had one guy treat me this way once and it sucked, because he always had very clear boundaries and they were never crossed. I could never tell if it was because he had feelings for men but wouldn't admit it, or because he just lacked real affection from his other guy friends and "used" me to be more candid about his feelings.

There's nothing wrong with you, and it isn't your fault. I feel like maybe this guy who has been your friend for longer just enjoys your friendship like some girls do with their gay friends. We're guys they can be honest with without worrying it will become something more. He definitely doesn't seem like someone who actually feels attracted to you, it sounds more like a little brother kind of relationship. Of course, I'm concluding that from your post, there's a lot that you haven't told us.

The second guy seems different. You're in Poland, so I wouldn't be surprised if he was actually bisexual or something and just didn't own up to it because of his friends and family. That's more common than not. It happens a lot here too, and it's awful because usually these guys will eventually act on their feelings and feel bad about it afterward. They can never really feel alright about themselves, and I feel sorry for them.

I think you should keep your friendship since you value it so much, but you should probably start telling yourself that this is all it's ever going to be: a friendship. The earlier you admit to yourself that nothing else will come of it, the quicker it will be for you to get over your deeper feelings. It's also something you can talk to him about, confess that it's making you feel bad and unwanted and that you'd like for him to lay off the cutesy stuff for a while. It might help, but one can never be sure.

If I were you, I'd try going places where I can find actual gay guys who can reciprocate your feelings and have gotten over the usual hangups of our teen years, and truly accept that they're gay. It's usually healthier to be with someone who's sure of what they want. That will help you get over your friend, and hey, who knows, maybe if he's actually bisexual he'll realize he's losing you and act up on it. Don't keep your hopes up, though.

Again, there's nothing wrong with your behavior. It's their issues hurting you, not the other way around.

Good luck!
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Re: Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 12 February 2020, 01:03

anaisasubele wrote:...So I am just thinking to myself. Am I the issue? Should I change? Are those people seeing me as a women because they want more "feminine energy" and affection in their life? ...


You should never change yourself just to make OTHERS happy. You have no guarantee that they would even stick with you even if you did bend to their interpretation of how you should be. Plus whenever one tries to be something for others, it could lead you to feeling down about yourself and you might even get to feeling resentful about them.

While your particular topic was about masculinity/femininity, this applies generally to most things. To give you a personal example, I have always worn my hair just long enough to cover my ears because I have a defective ear. I got a lot of ridicule over the years because "normal" boys/men aren't supposed to have longer hair. One supposed friend in junior high asked me why I didn't cut my hair to look more like the rest of the guys. I explained that I had a birth defective ear. He said any "real" friend would not hold my defective ear against me.... I responded -- then wouldn't any "real" friend NOT hold the length of my hair against me?

He shut up, and never brought up the subject again...

At 27, you may be thinking how wonderful it would be to have friends/lovers for the long haul. Just note that it would be better to be ALONE than trapped in an endless cycle of trying to change yourself just to please others. You will find people who simply ENJOY you just as you are.
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Re: Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby Subra » 14 February 2020, 16:48

You're not a kid, but you are still biologically adolescent. You won't be 100% an adult until your mid-20s and for some people the brain doesn't stop growing until 30. This projected infantalism will pass, if it's annoying you that much see what it's like dating someone your age or younger.
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Re: Straight men seeing me as a woman.

Unread postby Dash Rainbow » 15 February 2020, 15:28

anaisasubele, you're not a problem. Only they have problems. Poland is a fairly religious country, like Russia, so I think they just can't admit to themselves who they are. I would advise not spending time on them to have a relationship. Leave them friends and move on with someone who won't want you to be a girl.
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