The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

What ARE you?!

I'm polyamorous in practice.
0
No votes
I'm polyamorous in theory.
4
21%
I'm open to polyamory.
7
37%
I'm a monogamist.
10
53%
I'm a serial monogamist.
2
11%
Never really thought about it.
1
5%
 
Total votes : 24

The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 6 March 2020, 14:04

Holy mother of all plot twists: apparently I'm polyamorous. Who woulda thunk? :P

I'd say I'm polyamorous in the literal sense of the word: it's NOT a sex thing, it's a love thing. It's polyfidelity. With love comes sex, but that's not the point at all.

I'm still not interested in anything to do with casual sex / promiscuity. A no-strings-attached threesome is something that I feel I would be unlikely to ever want and is not something I associate with the word polyamory.

Sex, for me, is an emotional thing you do with someone you deeply care about and want to bond with, ideally for life.

What I like the idea of is what I would call "Monogamy Plus" or "Monogamy + 1": basically exactly the same as an emotionally and sexually committed, exclusive monogamous relationship, just with three people instead of two.

Brenden and I will never have an "open relationship" where we (separately) hook up with strangers. That seems dirty and risky to me and again is not something I associate with the word polyamory.

Brenden has always had notions that polyamorous relationships are valid and can work. I never felt the same way until recently.

This may seem very incongruous considering I've always advocated for monogamous relationships... But I've realised that what really matters to me is committed, loving relationships where no one sleeps around (no sexual promiscuity or cheating or "swinging" or anything like that), and that such a relationship could have three people in it.

What led me to realising this is that I got a big crush on someone who, when I gave it some thought, seemed like he would be a positive addition to our relationship who would actually only really work out if it was with both of us, and I really started to care about this guy, and he felt the same way about me, and I realised that that took nothing away from my love for Brenden. I showed Brenden the messages we'd exchanged and he thought it was cute and also found this guy appealing and supported the idea of exploring this, but sadly it doesn't look like it is going to be realistic, in large part due to him living very far away (like, America far away — why do I always seem to fall for Americans??? :lol:) and him being a proud American while we think Scotland is pretty much paradise and we'll never leave here.

I want to be clear that none of this arises out of any feeling that Brenden and I are bored with each other or feel we should spice up our (sex) lives, or anything like that. Our marriage (which is nearing its 10th anniversary) is in a healthier, happier and more stable place than it's ever been. I am completely happy in my life with Brenden, but I now feel I could also be completely happy in a closed-triad scenario like this, and Brenden feels the same way. It just seems like it could be a fun, nice and beautiful thing to have something special with three people.

I feel completely confident about this. It may be partly the anti-anxiety medication I'm on now, but I don't feel the slightest bit anxious or uncertain about wanting to someday make this happen. I really feel like this is "me", if that makes sense. Which is pretty bizarre, I realise.

So... anyone else here like us? :keke:

Edit: For anyone reading this later, the following thread I posted later may also be of interest: Threesomes
Edit 2: Somehow a lot of relevant discussion also ended up in this thread: Pre-exposure prophylaxis (or PrEP)
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Brenden » 6 March 2020, 14:08

I'm suffering whiplash from René's sudden change of position. :lol:
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 15:33

Brenden wrote:I'm suffering whiplash from René's sudden change of position. :lol:

:lol: you and me both!

Honestly, I think they can work for some people and what you describe René, sounds like the only polything I would even consider. But I'd never pursue such. But the fidelity part I think, would be essential. Partly for practical reasons, I'd hate having to feel hyper vigilant about sti's all the time of one or more partner was off sleeping around in circumstances unknown to me.

I couldnt deal with the anxiety of, what might I catch?!

For the right guy, I mightinclude another who was of interest to and had genuine interest in, both my partner and I.

But boy would you have to be in a really good place, great communication and have a certain attitude I sometimes suspect I would be lacking :confused:

I do find one person to be alot of work. Good work, but still, a handful.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 6 March 2020, 15:45

PopTart wrote:Honestly, I think they can work for some people and what you describe René, sounds like the only polything I would even consider. But I'd never pursue such. But the fidelity part I think, would be essential. Partly for practical reasons, I'd hate having to feel hyper vigilant about sti's all the time of one or more partner was off sleeping around in circumstances unknown to me.

I couldnt deal with the anxiety of, what might I catch?!

For the right guy, I mightinclude another who was of interest to and had genuine interest in, both my partner and I.

But boy would you have to be in a really good place, great communication and have a certain attitude I sometimes suspect I would be lacking :confused:

I do find one person to be alot of work. Good work, but still, a handful.

Totally agree about the STIs :)

Yeah, I think part of the reason I'm more open to it now is that Brenden and I are in such an especially good place.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 15:56

René wrote:
PopTart wrote:Honestly, I think they can work for some people and what you describe René, sounds like the only polything I would even consider. But I'd never pursue such. But the fidelity part I think, would be essential. Partly for practical reasons, I'd hate having to feel hyper vigilant about sti's all the time of one or more partner was off sleeping around in circumstances unknown to me.

I couldnt deal with the anxiety of, what might I catch?!

For the right guy, I mightinclude another who was of interest to and had genuine interest in, both my partner and I.

But boy would you have to be in a really good place, great communication and have a certain attitude I sometimes suspect I would be lacking :confused:

I do find one person to be alot of work. Good work, but still, a handful.

Totally agree about the STIs :)

Yeah, I think part of the reason I'm more open to it now is that Brenden and I are in such an especially good place.

If your certain, then more power to you both! If anyone could make such a thing work, it's you two! You clearly love and appreciate one another, your both determined people and I'm willing to bet you communicate well. So keep that up and why couldnt it work.

Have you guys asked this third person, if they would consider moving? Or have you just assumed? I'm guessing it's the same person you hadnt heard from in a while and were worried about? If so, I hope you e managed to get in touch! :thumbsup: :hug:
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 6 March 2020, 16:27

PopTart wrote:If your certain, then more power to you both! If anyone could make such a thing work, it's you two! You clearly love and appreciate one another, your both determined people and I'm willing to bet you communicate well. So keep that up and why couldnt it work.

:keke:

PopTart wrote:Have you guys asked this third person, if they would consider moving? Or have you just assumed? I'm guessing it's the same person you hadnt heard from in a while and were worried about? If so, I hope you e managed to get in touch! :thumbsup: :hug:

You guess correctly! He's still missing, and we're both quite worried about his safety at this point... but he does seem like the kind of person who doesn't use computers/phones all the time and could just be really busy with work or maybe health problems (which he has commented on having before) or maybe his mom is in the hospital or something like that. He is a non-regular member of the forum who has been away for months at a time before.

It's really annoying though, because he seemed soooo excited that I had a crush on him too, that I saw something in him... I really hope he turns up, because it would be really neat it we could make it work with him somehow. But based on what I've been able to figure out, he has some commitments that would likely prevent him from moving... so he'd have to feel really strongly to come over here to be with us. And also, as you may know, the UK at present makes it incredibly difficult for non-EU/EEA citizens to move here if they're not in some special high-demand profession or whatever. It was only easy for me and Brenden because we got married. Since our relationship with him wouldn't be recognised by the government, he'd probably be limited to coming here for 6 months at a time as a visitor and wouldn't be allowed to work here. So that would be a big stumbling block and I suppose it's pretty unrealistic to think it could work.

It's a massive shame... This guy is incredibly adorable and hot and wonderful all at the same time and I was kind of stunned that he had feelings for me. I think we could make him really happy together if only he lived closer.

He seems like one of a kind... we are still kind of hoping it could somehow work out. Fingers crossed!
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby erti » 6 March 2020, 16:35

I had an ex friend who was in 5 different relationships at the same time. Which surprises me because she’s transgender and idk about here recently it’s pretty taboo from where I live or at least back in my high school age.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby rxxli » 6 March 2020, 16:38

Weirdly enough this kind of a relationship always seemed like a really good idea to me. I read an article about this a long time ago with three people that made it work and it seemed like an awesome thing.

And I am totally in the same boat - I would never consider an open relationship or just something “on the side” with sex only. This would only be where three of us would be living together and be in a full relationship with each other.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Brenden » 6 March 2020, 17:22

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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 17:37

Brenden wrote:Image

:applause: :thumbsup:
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 6 March 2020, 18:00

I hate that the word polyamory is popularly associated with things like wild sex parties, NSA threesomes and open relationships. How is having a giant orgy "loving multiple people"?

#NotMyPolyamory
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Brenden » 6 March 2020, 18:07

I like the word polygamy. I wish the bad polygynous Mormon sects that ostracise young men and marry little girls hadn't tainted the word.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 18:36

Brenden wrote:I like the word polygamy. I wish the bad polygynous Mormon sects that ostracise young men and marry little girls hadn't tainted the word.

René wrote:I hate that the word polyamory is popularly associated with things like wild sex parties, NSA threesomes and open relationships. How is having a giant orgy "loving multiple people"?

#NotMyPolyamory

Now I prefer the sound of polyamory, it has melody, polygamy I'm afraid has so much bad rap associated, I instantly think if bad things.

But polyfidelity, that has body! It sounds very robust and substantive, which I think is fitting. It also sounds like a quality you look for I gadgets. Although my bias might be showing as I like fidelity.

That said, polysluttery has a ring too. But I'm of a "low" humour personality type.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 6 March 2020, 18:46

PopTart wrote:Now I prefer the sound of polyamory, it has melody, polygamy I'm afraid has so much bad rap associated, I instantly think if bad things.

I like that polyamory specifies that it's about love. But I hate that for a lot of people, apparently, love is just code for sex. :pfft:

PopTart wrote:But polyfidelity, that has body! It sounds very robust and substantive, which I think is fitting. Although my bias might be showing as I like fidelity.

You're not the only one :3
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Magic J » 6 March 2020, 19:04

erti wrote:I had an ex friend who was in 5 different relationships at the same time. Which surprises me because she’s transgender and idk about here recently it’s pretty taboo from where I live or at least back in my high school age.

Five?! I'm so incompetent, I can barely keep one going. More power to her!

I put "open to it" in the poll. Like, it's probably not something I'd pursue, myself, but far stranger things have happened. I used to be gay, you know. I'm going in the wrong direction! :runaway:

I've only actually met one poly person (that I know of). Think I mentioned her before. She didn't really talk about it a lot, though, since it was just kind of accepted as not being that strange. I never met her other partner, though.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby rogonandi » 6 March 2020, 19:27

So which dude is the one who Brendan and Rene both have a crush on then? ;)
Why are you?

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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Magic J » 6 March 2020, 19:28

Tell us. We must know. Tell us that we might judge them.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 19:30

:rofl:
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Brenden » 6 March 2020, 20:18

rogonandi wrote:So which dude is the one who Brendan and Rene both have a crush on then? ;)

It's more that he and René have a crush on each other and I am keen to develop one given more contact and time.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Marmaduke » 6 March 2020, 20:33

I believe myself to be a monogamist.

If I was with someone I loved, I don’t think I’d care if the relationship was open. I don’t believe I would look outside of it for sex, but I genuinely don’t think I’d care if they did, for whatever reason. I’d trust them to be sensible, and beyond that I wouldn’t take an interest, I’d view it as their business and as long as it didn’t impact me then more power to them. I don’t think my trust in someone would be affected either way by sexual exclusivity in and of itself.

However, bringing someone else into that trust? I don’t think I’d want that. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that. I don’t think I have the capacity to invest to that extent in more than one person, I’m not wired that way. When I’ve been in love, the things I’ve treasured most are the things we two shared that nobody else saw. The barely perceptible looks that we could give each other and convey a conversation. Them being the first person I spoke to and the last person I spoke to every day. Them being the only person I spoke to every single day. Them being the only person I felt truly at ease around, even including being in my own company. I don’t think I could find that appreciation for someone simultaneously in two or more people at the same time. I don’t think I’d want to try.
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