The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Ask questions and discuss your relationships with partners or parents, family or friends.

What are you?

I'm polyamorous in practice.
2
8%
I'm polyamorous in theory.
4
16%
I'm open to polyamory.
8
32%
I'm a monogamist.
15
60%
I'm a serial monogamist.
2
8%
Never really thought about it.
1
4%
 
Total votes : 32

Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby erti » 6 March 2020, 20:50

Marmaduke wrote:I believe myself to be a monogamist.

If I was with someone I loved, I don’t think I’d care if the relationship was open. I don’t believe I would look outside of it for sex, but I genuinely don’t think I’d care if they did, for whatever reason. I’d trust them to be sensible, and beyond that I wouldn’t take an interest, I’d view it as their business and as long as it didn’t impact me then more power to them. I don’t think my trust in someone would be affected either way by sexual exclusivity in and of itself.

However, bringing someone else into that trust? I don’t think I’d want that. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that. I don’t think I have the capacity to invest to that extent in more than one person, I’m not wired that way. When I’ve been in love, the things I’ve treasured most are the things we two shared that nobody else saw. The barely perceptible looks that we could give each other and convey a conversation. Them being the first person I spoke to and the last person I spoke to every day. Them being the only person I spoke to every single day. Them being the only person I felt truly at ease around, even including being in my own company. I don’t think I could find that appreciation for someone simultaneously in two or more people at the same time. I don’t think I’d want to try.


I think the thing about polyamory the argument is that their love is infinite and not being able to love just one person. With monogamy they believe that they feel they can only have one soulmate and that it’s against their morale beliefs. I find polyamory more natural than anything. Falling in love is a chemical thing in the head. Do I believe in love at first sight... no but I believe certain things where even their smell attracts someone. Love is a relative term. What is true love? Will I ever find love?
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby PopTart » 6 March 2020, 21:00

Marmaduke wrote:I believe myself to be a monogamist.

If I was with someone I loved, I don’t think I’d care if the relationship was open. I don’t believe I would look outside of it for sex, but I genuinely don’t think I’d care if they did, for whatever reason. I’d trust them to be sensible, and beyond that I wouldn’t take an interest, I’d view it as their business and as long as it didn’t impact me then more power to them. I don’t think my trust in someone would be affected either way by sexual exclusivity in and of itself.

However, bringing someone else into that trust? I don’t think I’d want that. I don’t think I’d be comfortable with that. I don’t think I have the capacity to invest to that extent in more than one person, I’m not wired that way. When I’ve been in love, the things I’ve treasured most are the things we two shared that nobody else saw. The barely perceptible looks that we could give each other and convey a conversation. Them being the first person I spoke to and the last person I spoke to every day. Them being the only person I spoke to every single day. Them being the only person I felt truly at ease around, even including being in my own company. I don’t think I could find that appreciation for someone simultaneously in two or more people at the same time. I don’t think I’d want to try.

Thats a perspective I hadn't anticipated.

I think, in some ways, that would be the source of friction for me, having to share those experiences with someone else. I too think I'd struggle to focus that much on more than one person. People can be hard work, the nes we care most about, doubly so.

The sexual thing, I can't say I'd be as comfortable as you Marm, but then, I dunno. I've never seriousl entertained the idea and if it made my partner happy. I dunno.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Derek » 7 March 2020, 01:14

So are you seeing auditions for a thrusband?
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 7 March 2020, 09:27

Derek wrote:So are you seeing auditions for a thrusband?

Pre-production preparations are at a very early stage. Locations are being scouted.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Marmaduke » 7 March 2020, 11:47

René wrote:
Derek wrote:So are you seeing auditions for a thrusband?

Pre-production preparations are at a very early stage. Locations are being scouted.

I was just going to comment that my agent would seem to have lost my invitation to the casting call. I suppose I should apologise for berating them about it now.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Derek » 8 March 2020, 02:41

I find the idea anxiety-inducing. I don't even want a relationship with one person. Two is just spitting in the face of god.

And why are threesomes so popular in porn? I don't like it.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Revontulet » 8 March 2020, 03:35

Practical monogamy suits me best. I fully support monogamy and its importance which I find inviolable. Theoretically speaking, I'm not attracted to modify the rules of monogamy, just for the sake of prolonging relationship or making the intimacy more appealing if it involves random hookups and insignificant group sex encounters.

With all due respect, I do not like open relationships at all. If I find out one day that my potential significant other is like: "But I love you. It just a d*ck," I'll reply: "Okay, sis. You just bought an instant exclusive one way ticket to farewell... through the window. Happy landing and go hug a landmine." That's why I feel like advocacy of monogamy is sometimes worse than fighting windmills.

But, am I open to polyamory? Yes, on paper.

Personally, I find this quote a bit zany, but there is "an openness to any impulses that may arise within me at any time", if it means full emotional, sexual and creative commitment, accomplished in exclusive triad with equal representation of all three partners. What I wouldn't allow myself is to have any other type of other polyamorous or umbrella-term varieties. So, the next best thing after monogamy would be triadic polyfidelity, but only if I become brave enough for this step.

However, would I be involved in an relationship with a scenario like this: my boyfriend has a boyfriend and we all live happy together?

...

I don't know. Maybe I could have been. My ex was in a parallel relationship with me, and unbeknownst to me, with another guy. When I found out, he had already become determined to choose between the two, because he was afraid of having two boyfriends simultaneously. He could have talked with me before all of this mess, we all could have talked about the situation, we might have become poly of some sort. Or not. Who knows...

Anyhow, I will continue to prefer monogamy. I will strongly root for it. If "any impulses arise" and polyamory knocks on my door, I'll make sure to choose wisely.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 8 March 2020, 09:31

Derek wrote:And why are threesomes so popular in porn? I don't like it.

I used to feel the same way, but mainly from a moral perspective. I would not have denied that there are fun things you could do in bed with three people. I was never open to experiencing them, particularly because the idea of a no-strings-attached threesome went against everything I believed in. And it still does. But what I've described is a way to experience such things with no sexual promiscuity or violation of commitment involved.

I won't deny I enjoyed seeing some such three-way sex acts in porn, even though I could never see myself taking part in them. The fact that the latter has changed played no part in my change in views, but it is a nice bonus for sure and something I'm looking forward to now. :D

I can also see there are sweet and loving things you can do in bed with three people that have nothing to do with sex, like cuddling and spooning with three people. With the person I mentioned in the OP, I believe he's the type of person who would love at night to sleep with his head on Brenden's chest while being the little spoon with me. :3

Revontulet wrote:Practical monogamy suits me best. I fully support monogamy and its importance which I find inviolable. Theoretically speaking, I'm not attracted to modify the rules of monogamy, just for the sake of prolonging relationship or making the intimacy more appealing if it involves random hookups and insignificant group sex encounters.

With all due respect, I do not like open relationships at all. If I find out one day that my potential significant other is like: "But I love you. It just a d*ck," I'll reply: "Okay, sis. You just bought an instant exclusive one way ticket to farewell... through the window. Happy landing and go hug a landmine." That's why I feel like advocacy of monogamy is sometimes worse than fighting windmills.

But, am I open to polyamory? Yes, on paper.

Personally, I find this quote a bit zany, but there is "an openness to any impulses that may arise within me at any time", if it means full emotional, sexual and creative commitment, accomplished in exclusive triad with equal representation of all three partners. What I wouldn't allow myself is to have any other type of other polyamorous or umbrella-term varieties. So, the next best thing after monogamy would be triadic polyfidelity, but only if I become brave enough for this step.

However, would I be involved in an relationship with a scenario like this: my boyfriend has a boyfriend and we all live happy together?

...

I don't know. Maybe I could have been. My ex was in a parallel relationship with me, and unbeknownst to me, with another guy. When I found out, he had already become determined to choose between the two, because he was afraid of having two boyfriends simultaneously. He could have talked with me before all of this mess, we all could have talked about the situation, we might have become poly of some sort. Or not. Who knows...

Anyhow, I will continue to prefer monogamy. I will strongly root for it. If "any impulses arise" and polyamory knocks on my door, I'll make sure to choose wisely.

With all due respect, did you even read my post? I am completely opposed to open relationships, random hookups and insignificant sex encounters (whether group or one on one). I would never say "it's just a dick" etc., and I'm also not talking about a situation in which my boyfriend or husband has another boyfriend. I'm talking precisely about that "full emotional, sexual and creative commitment, accomplished in exclusive triad with equal representation of all three partners".

And I did say I hate the fact that people associate this term, which literally specifies that it's about love, with having wild sex parties, NSA threesomes and open relationships.

Is it possible that you merely skimmed this thread and then posted replying to what you figured would probably be there? :P You may want to actually read it from the beginning. :)

It sounds like your vote should be that you are "a monogamist" but also "open to polyamory"! It actually sounds like you are theoretically possibly more open to certain forms of polyamory (i.e. where one person has two separate relationships with two different people, instead of three people having a single relationship all together) than I am!

Anyway, it's pretty clear that polyamory requires people with a specific mindset that not everyone can muster (what I suppose you are referring to as being "brave enough") and having reached a certain good place in their life/relationship that not everyone will reach. There is nothing wrong with that; I would just hope that people who are not in that position wouldn't judge people who are and for whom, personally, it just seems to make complete sense as something that could enrich their lives without involving any violation of commitment or risky NSA sex or anything like that. :keke:
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Revontulet » 8 March 2020, 22:36

Dear René, I do read what others post. I was fully aware of the things you would or wouldn't say and what were you talking in details.
What I felt is to write exactly all the details I personally wanted to mention.

Also, I do not use forums to skim, manipulate, point a finger or argue.

Case closed. :3 :P :keke: :heart: :)
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 8 March 2020, 22:45

Revontulet wrote:Dear René, I do read what others post. I was fully aware of the things you would or wouldn't say and what were you talking in details.
What I felt is to write exactly all the details I personally wanted to mention.

Also, I do not use forums to skim, manipulate, point a finger or argue.

Case closed. :3 :P :keke: :heart: :)

I see :P

I guess I was thrown off by you saying "With all due respect, I do not like open relationships at all."...which made it sound like someone had mentioned liking open relationships!
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Revontulet » 8 March 2020, 22:50

Hahahahahaha. Everything's fine.

Don't be. What I meant by that is: With all due respect - to all of those people who have an open relationship - but I don't like the type of it.

OK now. :)
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 9 March 2020, 01:11

Never was in a relationship, close to the real life based concept stage, nor in any position to consider this ever to take place in life. I guess I'm a lot alike Marmaduke's concept. I was even surprised a bit, to push the "I'm a monogamist" answer to 57%, as all in all of the queer people I've ever read and had chats or pen/mail contacts with, or, read about their ideas on it, was a huge nudge toward more or less polyamory, or polysexual an interest. As there were a lot of people interested in dick/ass - piece of tail-related ideas, I rather would have talked of polysexuality than to call it polyamory.
Which there's nothing wrong with, if just the people involved all are consenting and they know about one another.

One couple I know are married and live in a two ways open relationship. Means, they will have their own adventures and tell one another, or, share adventures in a predominantly sexual fashion rather than to call this love in serial threesomes, foursomes, more-somes. Seems to work out pretty well with them, and still they have some level of ... maybe call this inner fidelity, core fidelity.

My own idea always was like semi-permeable in a way. If I ever had found true love, I couldn't want the dude to dispense of certain desires they might have and what I would not be able to fulfill. For example, if they had some certain fetish that was not my liking at all, or, if they had a girlfriend. If he was my special love and he had sexual business with his woman only, that like of thing. I could not want of him to end his lady relationship to just be with me. So this is the semi-permeable side of accepting someone's freedom. I think that love may include wanting the other dude to be happy and free. I'm very aware of my handicap and certain body related inconvenience, let's call it disabilities, so if someone ever had found love toward me and vice versa, there would arise a situation of debt toward them in a way, I guess. So they should be able to roam about and find people that can fulfill these special needs.
May it be, he was like a vampire that would need a certain blood type every 4th night in order to survive, and I just had the wrong blood type, or something. It would not be love to have him drink just my own, but let him die demanding commitment and remind him to fidelity all the time.
Uhm...

I don't think I'm able to love more than one person in a partner related way. To me, all other persons outside of partner related love are just friends at the most. So I don't really understand the term that comes up in ads a lot, these times, saying "friendship plus" and what they mean, must be something alike polyamory of stripped down a version. So why don't they just call it polyamory? Be honest with their desires and ideas, makes it much easier.
Although I think I have noticed that many gay people don't or can't really distinguish friendship from promiscuity material or something. Or go the other way around and choose friendship only after one may be positive in the valid criteria for promiscuity material.

Most of these things probably just are too high for my brain capacity. :lol:
And I'll never be in that a situation. So if everyone else would be happy in theirs, I wish to them, all the best they can possibly make of it.
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If it so works out, go for it! :thumbsup:
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!

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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Valso » 21 July 2020, 15:34

I'm a mono... whatever. I don' like sharing people. Anything else - no problem. But sharing people with others - not a chance!
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 22 July 2020, 21:34

I'm not into time-share romantic love or sex. Growing up I was a loner. I never had a best friend, and friendships just didn't seem that close. Still I yearned for the day that there was someone special who would stick with me through thick and thin and visa versa.

I know in the broader gay (male) world, monogamy is seen as unnatural for males. I don't feel that way at all. My experiences with people who supposedly live this way isn't so positive. My uncle would probably be considered this way. When he was married years ago he actually had a written legal contract that permitted him to have outside relationships. They supposedly broke up because he choose to have an affair with someone in the same town -- she was worried about her reputation. Some in my family simply said he had a bigger heart. That wasn't my observation at all. Rather, he simply only gave a part of himself to anybody. I don't know how better to explain it. He wasn't a bad person by any definition. He was never someone I could get close to -- not because he was str8 or anything. Maybe a term would be attention deficit disorder in regards to caring too much for any one particular person be it love, friendship, family, etc. Note, he was SO much nicer than my dad. My dad was not a good person at all. I wouldn't classify my dad as a monogamist (note he too was 100% straight), but I'm not sure how I would classify him.

As for my gay experiences, most couples I knew who would want to include me (back when I was younger and desirable), it was all about sex. They wanted more variety. None really wanted to get to know "me". It was just sex. Some of them were not as open to it as you might think. I could sense the hurt many a times in one of the partners who simply went with it to make their partner happy. I recall one SOB who told his partner he couldn't give me up because I was such a good hung top. How did I find this out? His partner showed up at my door all sad and feeling insecure. Well I'm not hung - I'm just average. The SOB simply liked to inflict pain by saying such things to get to his friend's insecurities. I had no interest in ever being with him again.

I can look at porn like anyone. Sure orgy scenes might "look" hot, and something worth getting off on watching. But emotionally, they are so empty. If I were single and really just had to have some kind of group scene. I would rather we all be strangers. I've always a sense of imbalance when you have a couple with an addition. One kind of becomes the odd man out. Either one of the partners never really wanted this or really has no connection to you or you are the odd man out trying to fulfill whatever has caused their relationship to need something/someone else.

As for my own partner. We have been together for about 17 years. We have our ups and downs, but I cannot imagine life without him. Sure I feel he deserves someone better than me given how I have a bad case of ED, and I would never win a Mr congeniality award.

I couldn't imagine ever hating him if he fell for someone else, but I know myself well enough that I would be the odd man out and would eventually pull away. Plus our ideas of attractiveness are so polar opposite, it is a wonder how we ended up as partners. I like hairy masculine muscular bottom men. He likes young twinky looking guys. I would have ZERO interest in the kind of men (or actually boys/bois) he would find attractive. I think for him, he wouldn't be very interested in the types of men I am attracted to either.

I'm talking way too much from the sexual side of things. From the emotional side is probably what matters more. I will never understand this ideal of "spreading the love". Throughout all of human history, has there ever been any culture that has developed any strong polyamorous ideals? Sure we have plenty of cultures that have polygamy, but it seems more about a patriarchal system of power for wealthier males to spread more genes by having multiple wives. I think there is one culture where a woman has multiple husbands (I think somewhere in or near India). Anyway, the fact that most cultures settled on one on one relationships must have been because such seemed more natural than the alternatives.

Another thing that gets me is that plenty of gay porn stories that are written are about everybody in the household has sex. (I've tried to read gay themed novels, etc, but they bore me to tears. I find it hard to relate to any of the characters.) Why is it that the only expression of love in so much of the gay world has to include a romantic/sexual element. Love takes all sorts of forms. Why couldn't an older couple love for instance another person such as a younger gay man who's family rejected him or an older gay man whose partner has died -- without there needing to be some kind of sexual element to their relationship if they consider bringing that individual into their home? My partner and I aren't thinking about that, but it is something I always found suspect in the larger gay subculture. There are plenty of times that younger gay men avoid older gay men because they are suspected of simply being an old gay troll wanting to get into their pants. Now some of that is without merit, but then there are plenty of older gay men that are wanting that for sure.

The greeks had multiple terms for love:

Storge – empathy bond.
Philia – friend bond.
Eros – romantic love.
Agape – unconditional "God" love.

Why is it that so much of the gay (male) subculture seems to gravitate towards Eros. Just because I'm not looking for sexual romantic love outside of my partner, doesn't mean that I find other gay men unattractive and/or unworthy of caring about them in a no-erotic way. I'm simply not looking for romantic/sexual love elsewhere.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 22 July 2020, 22:24

NobodySpecial wrote:I'm not into time-share romantic love or sex.

It's not time-share. It's all at the same time. When Brenden and I sit on the couch watching TV cuddled up to our boyfriend, holding hands with us on either side, our heads resting on his shoulders... that's not time-sharing. It's just more love, all at once. Same in bed. :keke:

NobodySpecial wrote:Growing up I was a loner. I never had a best friend, and friendships just didn't seem that close. Still I yearned for the day that there was someone special who would stick with me through thick and thin and visa versa.

I was a loner too. Now imagine finding two people like you describe. It's mind-blowing.

NobodySpecial wrote:I know in the broader gay (male) world, monogamy is seen as unnatural for males. I don't feel that way at all.

What I'm talking about here is NOTHING like what is seen as normal or natural among many gay men. It's commitment, ideally lifelong commitment, in sickness and in health etc., just with 3 people instead of 2. There's no sleeping around. No "open relationship" or "outside relationships", etc.

NobodySpecial wrote:As for my gay experiences, most couples I knew who would want to include me (back when I was younger and desirable), it was all about sex. They wanted more variety. None really wanted to get to know "me". It was just sex.

That is sooo not what I'm talking about here. I'm talking about polyamory and polyfidelity. As in love and faithfulness. :heart: Not sexual promiscuity. I thought I was pretty clear about that in the original post.

NobodySpecial wrote:I can look at porn like anyone. Sure orgy scenes might "look" hot, and something worth getting off on watching. But emotionally, they are so empty. If I were single and really just had to have some kind of group scene. I would rather we all be strangers.

Orgy porn scenes have never appealed to me in the slightest. Instant close when they come up. I'm not interested in seeing things like that.

NobodySpecial wrote:I've always a sense of imbalance when you have a couple with an addition. One kind of becomes the odd man out. Either one of the partners never really wanted this or really has no connection to you or you are the odd man out trying to fulfill whatever has caused their relationship to need something/someone else.

It probably takes three very special people for it to work, but I can tell you, with my husband and our boyfriend (and hopefully future husband), it's not like that at all. We both really really wanted this and knew it would just add a lot to our life to have an extra person who really matches us and works with us...to love, cuddle with, play board games with, spoon with, sleep together with every night (literally), and generally share our lives with. And yes, have some fun in bed with, but that's not the point at all, just a bonus. We sometimes go a couple days without having sex. We never go a day together without cuddling. All the other stuff was the main driver, cuddling especially. :keke:

When we go for a walk together, our boyfriend always walks in the middle and grabs both our hands. :3 (That makes sense as he's the newest addition to this relationship and my husband and I have already done plenty of holding hands over the years. Now is the time for both of us to grow ever closer to him, hopefully just as close as we are to each other.)

We love him. That's what it's about. :heart:

Again, this is not for everybody, and undoubtedly many people don't get it and/or do it wrong as far as I'm concerned. I would never suggest that it would make sense to try to build a society where this kind of relationship is the default, or is forced upon everyone. It would never work. :P But I kinda feel like you didn't actually read the original post and see what the topic was about. Is that possible? :D
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Severelius » 22 July 2020, 22:32

I'd be lucky to find one guy who can tolerate me for any length of time, to be honest. The idea of having two people who actually look at me and think "yeah, I like this fucked up mess of a human enough to keep him around" is incomprehensible.

Plus I'm so insecure that the idea of a threesome/polyamorous relationship would result in 100% of my brain power being dedicated to convincing myself that the other two are going to run off together and leave me because they figure out I'm the worst of the three.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 27 July 2020, 01:36

I just realised looking back, the signs I was polyamorous go way back. About 8 years at least. It's quite like being gay in that way I guess. I wonder how innate it is.

I don't remember when exactly, but one time on a family holiday weekend in the first couple of years after Brenden and I got married, we ended up sharing a hotel room (2 double beds) with my super-cute second cousin whom I'd fancied since forever (and I believe Brenden did too). We did lots of stuff together that weekend — nothing sexual obviously (I wished, hahaha), but sleeping in the same room, always hanging out together, always sitting together at breakfast/dinner, participating in the same activities together, etc., and he would jokingly refer to us as a "unit". :3
I loved every bit of it, to be honest.
At the end of the weekend when we had to all go home and got into separate cars, he said "Oh no, the unit has been disbanded!" :P

I have to admit, even then, I would have loved it if he was gay and we'd really been something of a unit together. I think I even told Brenden to some extent soon after, haha.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby erti » 2 August 2020, 03:45

Out of curiosity, do you guys have any idea what you have plan for you in the future with the 3 y’all. Family with the 3 of you? Adopt a child and settle down? I wouldn’t mind of having a poly relationship. I’m not a jealous person and I have a lot of love to go around. There’s a lot of dynamics to a relationship and being with more than just one makes it even harder.
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby René » 2 August 2020, 13:45

erti wrote:Out of curiosity, do you guys have any idea what you have plan for you in the future with the 3 y’all. Family with the 3 of you? Adopt a child and settle down? I wouldn’t mind of having a poly relationship. I’m not a jealous person and I have a lot of love to go around. There’s a lot of dynamics to a relationship and being with more than just one makes it even harder.

Settle down together, ideally buy a nice house in Scotland together (as far as Brenden and I are concerned), adopt a Boxer puppy to raise together, and live happily ever after. :D

Keep doing all the things we've been enjoying so far like cuddling up to TV shows and movies, playing board games and video games, cooking together, sex, waking up next to each other, etc., finally go see some things together when the pandemic is over, meet each other's families, go to family events like birthdays and holidays together, travel together, enjoy having three incomes in one household, etc. :keke:

Probably have a three-way wedding-type ceremony at some point, making a public commitment to each other and signing an agreement that basically confers all the rights and duties of marriage as much as possible in a way that makes sense for three people. Grow old together. :3

We haven't talked about children between the three of us. I don't have a strong opinion. So far it's seemed like something Brenden and I totally aren't ready for. But if any of us really wanted it I'd be up for it, and it would be a massive benefit raising a child with 3 parents. Way more feasible than with 2. :P
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Re: The Polyamory/Polyfidelity Thread

Unread postby Sherri » 2 August 2020, 18:15

How interesting! I step out and become monogamous and loads of other people get a touch of the polyamory in the meanwhile!

Polyamory for me is something I'm open to but don't really believe can be done the way I want it due to human nature. Thus, it's good on paper but not anything I'm looking to find fulfillment with in reality. But boy have I tried!

I have always questioned relationship norms, dated men and women, etc., so polyamory wasn't a big stretch for me. It started when I was probably 19 or 20 and figured out the high school relationship I'd maintained since I was about 16 wasn't going to meet my needs long-term. I pitched polyamory and he accepted but is probably the most monogamous person on the planet, and I highly suspect autistic at some level. He only agreed to it to keep me. It went terribly within the span of a few months. I ended things with him, though we are still very close friends even now. We're going to play Eldritch Horror on Tabletop Simulator with another friend here in a moment!

The next relationship was long-distance with a guy in California. He was a self-proclaimed man slut, and said his only caveat to dating me long-distance was the lack of sex. He was also bi. We agreed that he could hook up with however many guys he wanted to and same to me with girls. I did go on a few girl dates but never ended up full-on girlfriending any of them. He had lots of flings with guys. It intrigued me to hear about it. It wasn't threatening at all. By the end (it ended for other reasons, mainly his mental health), I was down for him to have sex with other women too.

I had a couple of open in-betweenies, one not so great with a guy who was about 6 or 7 years older than me and wanted to carry on an unhealthy relationship with a married girl whose husband didn't like him, so I ended that one. The next boyfriend was when I was 24 and in nursing school. We, too, met online, but this time I had the means to go see him and him to come see me somewhat regularly, so we did. We agreed to be fully open and non-controlling of one another, but he still gave me "veto power" over his girls. I never used it. It never felt right to have it. By the end, we were fully polyamorous with no hierarchy and no limits. He was dating other women and I didn't care at all. That relationship also ended because of his wildly uncontrolled mental health issues. I sure do know how to pick 'em ;).

Funny aside, the fucked up thing about being polyamorous is that it doesn't matter why your relationships ended; most people will assume it was simply because they were polyamorous and you know those poly relationships never last! Very annoying!

When I moved to Albuquerque, I tried to polyam date. I met the local poly group. It was a bunch of people who looked like ex-drug-addicts and treated each other pretty terribly it seemed. Lots of hierarchy and jealousy. I stopped going within a few meetings. I started a fling with a guy that turned into a monogamous relationship. Never should have. He wasn't great to me. It ended within a year of being serious. The current guy is monogamous to the core and could never go for polyamory. I'm fine with that. It was making me less happy to pursue polyamory and not have it work out than it is to simply be happy with a single person. Some people are obligatory polyams and couldn't do anything else; I accidentally found myself deep into polyamory as the result of the logic trail, and it's less of an orientation for me as it is a decision.

My polyamorous ideal is something along the lines of polyfidelity and/or kitchen-table polyamory, where everybody knows everybody even if you're not all dating each other, and you live nearby, etc. Big happy family helping to raise kids and enjoy life with pooled resources. I could not accept a relationship in which there was hierarchy and limits, ie, this is my wife and this is my girlfriend and my wife always gets top priority. I don't think they're fair or ethical, or that they work, and they're a big part of why polyamorous relationships fail.

Brenden and Rene, I commend you for your polyfidelity. I hope everything works out the way you want it to :).
The path to Heaven runs through miles of clouded Hell ~

"Deeds such as these do not go unnoticed by the universe. They echo in all who hear them. That is why I am here."


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