The truth of it

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The truth of it

Unread postby mxguy01 » 23 September 2019, 15:56

To this day, whenever I think/write/etc I always just think "wife" first and always, to this day, have to back up and add the "ex" part. we made each other better. We were each others best friends to the point where we let it get to we were each other's only friend - we didn't care/need to have other people in our life. We didn't need to have kids. That was something we both ended up wanting and thought we could accomplish together. With no other person I could have ever done that with. She knew me better than I knew myself. The opposite was just as true. I want to bury it, forget it and move one. I want to never forget, never let go if it, it's so much a part of me that if I let it go I'm so empty. It's simply time to do both.\ I guess. It was a wild ride as it should be. Destinations, one way or another, always seem to suck at the end.
Last edited by mxguy01 on 24 September 2019, 17:19, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby Jzone » 23 September 2019, 17:44

I can relate — such a mixed bag of emotions. My ex wanted to remain friends but I just don't have room in my heart for that, at least not now. Sometimes I judge myself and want to be a better man by making that friendship work. Usually I'm fine just observing and honoring my need to keep a distance. I'm protecting myself from the pain and I am at peace with that. I can still see her at family events, get coffee, and chat; however, I don't desire a friendship.

It sounds like your feelings have shifted a lot since the divorce, and that's good to hear. (It is official, right Marty? Maybe I missed that update.) Living with so much anger for someone who has been your closest friend just messes with you. Life goes on.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby Eryx » 23 September 2019, 21:39

That's very difficult, man... that's love. I don't think it will ever go away, what you need to believe is that there's more people out there to love just as her.

It won't be gone, and it shouldn't, but it can happen again with someone new.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby mxguy01 » 23 September 2019, 21:52

Jzone wrote:I can relate — such a mixed bag of emotions. My ex wanted to remain friends but I just don't have room in my heart for that, at least not now. Sometimes I judge myself and want to be a better man by making that friendship work. Usually I'm fine just observing and honoring my need to keep a distance. I'm protecting myself from the pain and I am at peace with that. I can still see her at family events, get coffee, and chat; however, I don't desire a friendship.

It sounds like your feelings have shifted a lot since the divorce, and that's good to hear. (It is official, right Marty? Maybe I missed that update.) Living with so much anger for someone who has been your closest friend just messes with you. Life goes on.


Actually not one bit.

I always have been rather good at hiding my true feelings. I suppose a bit of it is that I never, and I mean never, let people see me vulnerable <- read toxic masculinity spurred by a childhood environment that accepted nothing less. A bit of that is I'm actually a rather private person (not that you would know it from my presence here, we'll get back that one). So I threw up that version of me that many on this forum have come to know and love, bahahaha. A life time of concealing your feelings makes you rather good at it.

Why on GFO: Well letting the three people (not two) I care most about see that was not going to happen; not an option. If I wrote in in a diary it would never be heard. Look at the anger, rage, etc - keeping it in would be worse I have no doubt. I 'd be in jail or dead by now.

I really did think at least a few seen through all that. I guess I'm better at hiding through deception that even I realize.

A story: We had been married for about 5-6 years at the time. We had moved to Redding, CA which was so far away from anything. Nice new spec home built - three BR of course. The view out our main living room window was Mount Shasta, all 14k ft of it, white capped as always, even in August. Bla, bla, bla, We decided to have a kid. Like most things we did together we made easy work of it. With a bun in the oven that we both knew about, it was summer. Summers are hot in Redding (ave 45 days per year over 100 degrees). I mentioned (not asking to go) camping about how we could escape, thinking it was not an option but my wife did her usual and said "let's go". Where we went camping was even farther remote in the mountains next to a lake. A storm moved in and the weekend was nothing but cold and rainy so we spent the time mostly in the tent - it was a great weekend! And my son was camping for his first time 3 months after conception.

^ That's the person I so brutally miss and always will. I've tried to look at a timeline to figure out when we moved so far apart from each other. That's folly. That person, the one that is in that story above, my feelings have never changed towards that person. Time to let the rest go as much as I can.

At the same time: I don't think I could ever sit in the same room with her. This means I will likely not see my kids get married. IDK if I'll ever get beyond that. Simply I would not want to chance ruining their event; especially not that one. Like I said, GFO was a place I could go nuclear and they'd never know. Best they never know how bad I hurt from it all.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby mxguy01 » 23 September 2019, 22:04

Eryx wrote:That's very difficult, man... that's love. I don't think it will ever go away, what you need to believe is that there's more people out there to love just as her.

It won't be gone, and it shouldn't, but it can happen again with someone new.


That may be the case. But "Round 1" was intense, it was huge, it was the best time of my life. They say never say never and there's a lot of truth in that. But I feel like I no longer have the strength nor the will to do it again. That may sound bad but it's not. The memories will keep me going. I just need to remember us the way "WE" were, the journey "WE" made, not the destination "we" accidentally arrived at.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby NvM » 23 September 2019, 22:42

This is just a new chapter in your life.

If you never see your X again it will be a mutual decision. I always thought I would see mine but not. I am very busy with my life now and accept my history but concentrated on my life now

Be careful who you love. If divorce is a failure the 2nd marriage has statistically higher probability of divorce. The 3rd even more, go figure.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby NvM » 24 September 2019, 20:42

furthermore:
i really enjoyed living by myself, lived in the mountains in New Mexico. I drove into town every day for an engineering employ. When I was about 40 years old I noticed dis interest started to creep in to my life, I started to take on risk. I always had friends but an intimate connection seemed necessary.

that need for a human connection is stronger in some people but eventually we all need it to advance in life.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby Jzone » 25 September 2019, 01:04

mxguy01 wrote:
Jzone wrote:I can relate — such a mixed bag of emotions. My ex wanted to remain friends but I just don't have room in my heart for that, at least not now. Sometimes I judge myself and want to be a better man by making that friendship work. Usually I'm fine just observing and honoring my need to keep a distance. I'm protecting myself from the pain and I am at peace with that. I can still see her at family events, get coffee, and chat; however, I don't desire a friendship.

It sounds like your feelings have shifted a lot since the divorce, and that's good to hear. (It is official, right Marty? Maybe I missed that update.) Living with so much anger for someone who has been your closest friend just messes with you. Life goes on.


Actually not one bit.

Ok. I'll change my comment to what you express in your posts has shifted a lot since the divorce. I can only surmise your feelings from your posts, and they have changed dramatically. I can't see your facial expressions or hear your tone of voice on the forum, so I don't have much to go on except your words.

My suggestion to everyone posting in this forum or others is to write your post, go take a break, then come back and re-read it — imagining you are someone who has no knowledge about you and cannot read your mind. Just a suggestion.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby mxguy01 » 25 September 2019, 15:21

Jzone wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:
Jzone wrote:I can relate — such a mixed bag of emotions. My ex wanted to remain friends but I just don't have room in my heart for that, at least not now. Sometimes I judge myself and want to be a better man by making that friendship work. Usually I'm fine just observing and honoring my need to keep a distance. I'm protecting myself from the pain and I am at peace with that. I can still see her at family events, get coffee, and chat; however, I don't desire a friendship.

It sounds like your feelings have shifted a lot since the divorce, and that's good to hear. (It is official, right Marty? Maybe I missed that update.) Living with so much anger for someone who has been your closest friend just messes with you. Life goes on.


Actually not one bit.

Ok. I'll change my comment to what you express in your posts has shifted a lot since the divorce. I can only surmise your feelings from your posts, and they have changed dramatically. I can't see your facial expressions or hear your tone of voice on the forum, so I don't have much to go on except your words.

My suggestion to everyone posting in this forum or others is to write your post, go take a break, then come back and re-read it — imagining you are someone who has no knowledge about you and cannot read your mind. Just a suggestion.


I'll tweak it maybe a little bit more: what parts I let people see of me in my posts has shifted a lot.

Honestly it was needed and intentional. What you seen was all the bad emotions I needed to let out. You only let them out by confronting them and for me I only get that done by expressing it in my external emotions. As you noted, you can see me or hear my tone of voice. Again GFO was a place I could let it out and those I cared most about wouldn't be subject to it. Sorry it had to be that way but maybe it was my only way to the other side of it all.

This last (but not final) bout with it has once again hit me pretty hard. But each time I do that I bounce back to maybe a little bit better than where I was.

It's really a duality and you expressed that yourself. It's the person I once knew so well and loved; its the person... (words I should not express). They are really two entirely different people that simply happen to occupy that body at different times.

So while I was "loosing my shit", the goodness of what was became obscure.

I didn't come here needing confirmation that the marriage of what once was was good. Because I will always know the part that "was" could not have been any better.

So I say the marriage was 25 years 3 months. That's because that's on the divorce paperwork from our date on the marriage certificate. We had already been living together for 4+ years. So let's just call it an even 30 years because it certainly deserves the recognition for monumental.

As far as ever doing it again. for me, the answer is never. Never say never but that won't change for me IMO. I know me. I would have never thought being the person I am that I would open myself up to someone like that. But I did. I knew I was capable but I thought I would never risk it. I did. I had it. But, it is not in me to ever do it again to that level. I wont expose myself again like that to someone. I'm not saying that in a bad way. I won't have the strength in me for a second time. The really good/intense times take strength too. I used mine up on that one; I'm ok with that. But I'd go back and do that one again. Not sure if it would be with the same person. I would hope I could influence a different outcome.

I could say more but time has come to say less on the whole subject. Actually, I've been saying less on it already and will continue.
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Re: The truth of it

Unread postby NvM » 26 September 2019, 14:34

Ya; I thought the grammar queens response on this thread was out of place.
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