Trust and insecurities

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Trust and insecurities

Unread postby hebeGB » 15 November 2021, 15:37

I'm in a 7 month relationship that has been bumpy from the start.
He's married to a woman but separated. He came out to her and his family at 55 by introducing me.
He previously was in a 5 year affair with an attached coworker. He broke it off with him ( after lying to both of us by being with one or the other) to be with me.
I was in a two year relationship which ended almost 2 yrs ago but we are best friends. No romantic feelings at all with either one of us. Purely platonic.
He bought a two family house because I am broke, struggling and would have been homeless... for me to live in one of the apartments.
My boyfriend can not understand my relationship with my friend, won't even try. Anytime my friends name comes up my boyfriend gets very moody and quiet. He then texts me it's over, which breaks my heart every time. Then he'll call me the next day like nothing has happened. He has done this to me at least 4× included last night.
I also have insecurity about his fidelity due to his past and ability to lie with a poker face.
I'm so in love with him and have talked about spending the rest of our lives together.

I'm hurt and confused. My boyfriend is so very important to me. I
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Re: Trust and insecurities

Unread postby pozzie » 15 November 2021, 22:41

Reads like you're in a difficult situation. What help or advice are you looking for?
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Re: Trust and insecurities

Unread postby hebeGB » 16 November 2021, 16:25

Any kind of feedback as to juggle these two men in my life.

Footnote: my BF and I have discussed all of this and we're aware and try to work on our insecurities.
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Re: Trust and insecurities

Unread postby pozzie » 16 November 2021, 16:48

As I said, it's a difficult situation and talking about it is your best first step. Do you trust that he's trying to understand and "work on it"?

The difficulty is we can't change others. At best we might be able to change ourselves but most often we have more success changing how we view the situation. So, apply that thought, you can't change him. Of course one change you could make is to put some distance between you and your friend/ex but given the living situation, doesn't sound like there are a lot of options. I fresh out of ideas on how to change your viewpoint and can't suggest loving the guy because he's jealous.

Has you bf told you what he wants going forward? Can you find a way to make that work?

Will be honest, the bit of breaking up and "Then he'll call me the next day like nothing has happened." doesn't bode well. Seems pretty manipulative, especially if he knows how breaking up makes you feel. If I was in such a situation, no doubt, I'd cut the bf loose. But that's just me.
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Re: Trust and insecurities

Unread postby hebeGB » 16 November 2021, 20:18

Thank you for your feedback, I appreciate it.
Its difficult to cut him loose when I feel such love for him.
In our talks he tells me how it's the same as his previous relationship. The BF who said all the same things I say. The living situation so similar. How hurt he was, and still is, by the relationship going nowhere. Felt lied, deceived and used. He's correct in the similarities but it's not the same. I'm not that other man.
He actually told me last night that he doesn't hate my friend, he just feels like he's in the hamster wheel ( my terminology). Going around the same way as before. That he's fearful of getting that pain again. He said he'd be open to having my friend over for a post thanksgiving dinner. I hope he will.
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Re: Trust and insecurities

Unread postby pozzie » 17 November 2021, 00:11

I understand what you are saying and see something post-Thanksgiving dinner as another step in the right direction. Let's hope that spending some time together might start to build some confidence. I encourage you to think about anything you might be used to doing when you are around your friend/ex that might trigger or make your bf uncomfortable. Don't make a fuss over your bf, but if he's not joining in the conversation, bring up topics you know he likes to talk about, and, if necessary, ask him. What did you think about X? You know what I'm getting at? It's all about building confidence. I'll have my fingers crossed for you!
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