[help]Trying to figure out if I'm okay with a situation i'm in.

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[help]Trying to figure out if I'm okay with a situation i'm in.

Unread postby Kieran » 14 May 2022, 06:23

Hey all.

Sorry to come by and trauma dump here, but I don't have anyone in my RL I feel comfortable talking to about this. Maybe someone could give their perspective on my situation or any advice would be really appreciated. Sorry to barge in and throw my baggage down on the doorstep.

So I have a longtime friend who I have never met in person, with whom I've had an on again, off again romantic/sexual dynamic. I really like this guy and always have. Pretty much from first aquaintance. Which is weird for me. I usually need to get to know people in earnest before I can start to like someone. That's not been the case here. He's special, I don't know exactly what makes him so.

In the past, the fact we couldn't realistically meet meant we couldn't pursue anything meaningful and that combined with an even larger elephant in the room, he is poly and I'm not exactly into that, meant that things always got to a point where we were hurting one another and we would have to stop talking. We did so for the last time several years ago and due to this cycle, my feelings for him had changed and I moved on with my life. Or so I thought.

I should say I'm not opposed to the idea of poly dynamics, they work for some people, they come in a lot of forms. I'm even open to the idea with the caveat that I'm not emotionally invested in anyone involved. Not that I've put that into practice much. The problem for me arises when I DO start to have feelings of a romantic nature. It's then that I find the experience that I'm sitting in a waiting room, waiting for my number to be called, watching as someone elses gets called instead, that I don't like. That feeling of hope, that sense of desperation and the inevitable disappointment. That isn't happiness making.

Recently, this guy got back in touch again and I felt really glad about it. Initially, my feelings were pretty subdued and when we began speaking there was still a connection but it lacked the "weight" of times past. It didn't take long before we were talking about renewing our previous dynamic, but with the benefit of changed circumstances and each feeling differently about what we wanted. At the time, with my feelings distant it seemed plausible and even exciting to renew our connection. I even told him I was totally fine with the poly thing and in that moment, I was.

We have even arranged to meet in real life and I'm set to go see him. But in the time since making these arrangements, I've started to have feelings for him, like those I had before. I'm foolish for not having realised that I would. I know. But I honestly didn't think it would happen. Too much had passed between us before, too much hurt that surely I wouldn't get drawn in again. But I have. I've tried to keep those feelings at arms length but I've been failing.

I've been trying to reconcile my feelings with this whole situation. On the one hand, I would like to be the well adjusted, open minded kind of person for whom, the freedom and happiness of the guy I care about outweighs my own feelings of insecurity or inadequacy. On the otherhand. I don't think it's even about those things. It's about feeling left out in the cold whenever the mood strikes him and not meaning enough to ever satisfy or hold that place in him, that he holds in me.

In the run up to our meeting we were talking about our sexual desires and fantasies. What we want to do together and that sort of thing. We were both aroused by this and I thought we would share a digital sexual experience together when we both became available But instead, he promptly ended up on Tinder, talking to someone else and I suddenly felt left cold and alone in my desires. :sadblue: I suspect it happens a lot. I see a future in which this is to be my fate. To always be left wanting, alone and desperately waiting his return when he has had his fun elsewhere. I know in a mutual poly situation, I would seek out my satisfaction with someone else too. But I guess I don't want to with someone else. Especially on the cusp of our first meeting after so long.

I can't explain how I now feel about our impending meeting. I've gone from excitement and joy to anxiety and reluctance. I find myself wanting to pull away, protectively shield myself from the inevitable clash of wants as I don't think either of us is as changed as much as we each like to believe.

He assures me I mean more than other people. But it doesn't make that cold and lonely feeling any less cold and lonely. I don't feel any less desperate in seeking his attention, inspite of that assurance especially as he spends his evening in conversation with someone else.

It all rings hollow and I feel the echo of past pain rising to the surface. All the while I now feel like I'm commited to meeting someone who I now harbour far more complex feelings for. There's all the love, desire and affection, but now there's sadness, hurt and a little regret. I'm starting to feel pretty bad about myself.

What do I do? Our meeting is coming at no small expense. In both money and emotional things. I don't know how to talk about this situation with him. There is a part of me that is resigned to the likelihood we shall meet, have an intense and enjoyable time together but that it will end and we will have to go back to not speaking. A part of me says, that's enough. Atleast we will have had that moment. A stolen window into a life that might have been had we both been different. But is that an unhealthy way to look at things?

I'm not afraid to admit I'm too confused to trust my judgement very much.
Kieran
 
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Re: [help]Trying to figure out if I'm okay with a situation i'm in.

Unread postby McTaggartfan » 14 May 2022, 06:57

This may be insensitive, and to be honest, it really could be. I'm not sure about how I feel on that much, but oh well: I'm exceedingly imperfect. Anyway, this all seems like quite a lot over some guy. If you love him, then commit to the relationship and bear through any sufferings that may come along with it (short of abuse, that is). Love doesn't need justification, of course, so I don't much think there's anything wrong with my advice—even if I will admit to reading only parts of your post (romantic relationships of the sexual sort aren't my thing, so I can sometimes find the accompanying drama a bit tiresome). Hmm... Maybe these bits of verse will help?

I know not, I ask not, if guilt’s in that heart,
I but know that I love thee, whatever thou art.

      —Moore, "Come, Rest in This Bosom." St. 2.

I do not love thee less for what is done,
And cannot be undone. Thy very weakness
Hath brought thee nearer to me, and henceforth
My love will have a sense of pity in it,
Making it less a worship than before.

        —Longfellow, "Masque of Pandora." Pt. VIII. In the Garden. L. 39.

Best of luck! By the way, if anyone else should venture their opinion here on this issue, it's likely they'll be MUCH more helpful than I.
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