Turned down after a good first date

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Turned down after a good first date

Unread postby Gambelz2 » 17 July 2019, 10:37

Hello everyone!

I've been feeling a bit confused and sad about being turned down after a date with a guy I really enjoyed and he also seemed to enjoy.

Let me start from the beginning.
So I matched with this guy on Tinder a little over a week ago and we immediately hit it off and I felt like we had an instant click and great romantic chemistry. I know this feeling was mutual because during the chat he also told me he felt like it really clicked between us.

It might be noteworthy that I was the one that initiated the conversation, I asked for his social media and I asked if he was interested in a date. Though, after he agreed for the date he pushed for the day and the time and gave me his number, which made me think he wasn't just agreeing out of politeness.

Also I would like to mention that this whole dating experience (especially with another guy) is very very new to me and he knew about, also the fact that I'm not completely out yet (which I thought he would find to be a turn-off but he seemed to be cool with it.)

Anyways we decide to meet up in the city where he studies and is taking a summer course. I take the train there and he tells me he'll be waiting when I get off. I was extremely nervous because I really liked him. So I get off with my heart about to pound out of my chest and my face likely as red as a tomato. I see him and we hug (he asked me how I would greet someone beforehand).

Then we walked somewhere to eat, we drank something after and after that he took me to his dorm where we continued to talk. I felt like the conversations ran very smoothly, no awkwardness or awkward silences. We had a lot in common and the click we had online was still there in person.

So I asked him if he had many Tinder dates before, he said he had a few but "they weren't that fun or they were fun but not like this", so I took that as a sign he was interested. When it was nearly time for me to go and catch the last train of the night, he told me he really enjoyed the date and asked me if I was interested in a second one. I told him "ofcourse". We leave together for the train station and he tells me I could sleep over if I'd like (I don't think he meant it sexually, because he mentioned he had a spare matress and a sleeping bag). I politely declined and told him I wouldn't want to intrude.

So we arrive at the train station and we hug goodbye (I wonder if maybe I should have given him a kiss here?). He told me he really enjoyed it and that we'll text for another date. He said he'll stay awake till I've arrived safely back at my dorm, which I thought was really sweet as he had class the next day early in the morning.

I got in the train and told him I really enjoyed it and was looking forward to a next date, he agreed. We texted goodnight and good morning the next day as we usually do.

Then after his class I get a big text message about the fact that he thought a bit and he wasn't ready for something serious and he didn't have the time at the moment.
(Which I thought was a bit odd as
1. Why did he go on a first date with me in the first place if he wasn't looking for something serious and
2. Everyone is busy, I get that, but if you really want to make time for someone, you can. Especially now since it's summer and us students have more time on our hands.)

I told him I understood and wished him the best, even though I was really hurt and confused. He thanked me for understanding and said "maybe till another time".

Basically I'm feeling really sad and confused. Did I do something wrong? Was he just being polite even though he wasn't interested? Did he expect more or was it because everything was so knew to me? Why did he suggest a second date and bail suddenly?

Also the "maybe till another time" at the end really stings, because knowing myself I'll probably hold on to some tiny amount of hope even though I assume it's just a polite way of saying "goodbye" and I probably won't hear from him or see him again.
What do you guys think?

I know this post is a bit dramatic and rejection is normal, but since this was my "real" date with someone I liked and the rejection seemed to come so sudden and out of the blue, I was really caught of guard and hurt.

TLDR: Went on a first date with a guy, the date went really well and I really liked him. He asked me out for another, which I accepted, but the next day he told me wasn't ready for something serious and didn't have the time for it.
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Re: Turned down after a good first date

Unread postby Jryski » 17 July 2019, 12:08

I honestly have no idea but I guess its safe to say that you should probably forget him and meet other people. Sorry that happened to you but people are weird sometimes and it's not worth stressing out your brain cells wondering what the hell happened. *hugs*
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Re: Turned down after a good first date

Unread postby Eryx » 17 July 2019, 12:21

I'm sorry things didn't work out for you! I agree with Jryski that you should just shrug it off and try again with someone new. Rejection happens more than reciprocation. It's unfortunate but it's just how it goes.

From the story you told, this sounds like something I would have done when I was younger. The first times I went out with someone I met from Tinder or similar places, when I saw the guy in person and thought he wasn't exactly what I pictured, I'd usually still entertain him for the date and then send him off afterward, basically out of insecurity. I couldn't handle hurting the person right in front of me so I'd leave it for after I had left.

Or maybe he was just expecting something more physical and fortuitous and when he saw that wasn't your rhythm, he just thought to make it clear right away.
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Re: Turned down after a good first date

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 17 July 2019, 17:47

Ok so my thoughts, wrapped up for you in a nice little blunt INTJ package.

- Firstly straight off the bat, if he took you back to his dorm on the first date, and offered to have you sleep over, I do question if he was actually looking to date or if he just wanted to fuck. Some guys do this, they wanna fuck, but don't know how to say something so bold up front. So they invite you on a "date" and just expect you to catch on that it's not really a date. It's euphemistic. If you're like-minded and also just wanna have sex, sometimes that works out, but if you don't put out then typically you'll get dropped like a hot potato.

- Even if the above is not the case, gay men are flaky as fuck for a multitude of reasons. This won't be the last time this happens to you, I guarantee it. They'll seem really interested, whether they're just faking it to be polite or maybe they do mean it for a minute, then suddenly have a change of heart. I do actually respect that this dude told you though, he at least respected your time. Many don't, they just stop texting and wait for you to get the hint. Google "ghosting", it's a phenomenon.

- The whole "I'm not looking for anything serious right now" or "I'm a little busy for dating" thing... oh boy... sometimes it's the truth, usually it's true if the guy actually does say this before they even meet you (again this is classy, that's a dude who respects your time). Maybe he's just got out of a relationship, maybe he again just wants sex or even just friends, maybe he's open to dating if you take it slow without any expectations. But they will say that. If they're saying those generic tag-lines after a date or multiple dates, odds are they just lost interest in you but they don't want to hurt your feelings. So they make up some story about how "I'vE hAd A tHoUgHt RaNdOmLy PoP iNtO mY hEaD!! i'M nOt lOoKiNg fOr AnYtHiNg SeRiOuS rIgHt NoW!". Yeah they're probably just not looking for anything serious with YOU.

- Don't get hung up on it. You're new to dating so it might seem like a big deal, but there's always more guys. Go have fun, take your mind off him somehow, try again with another guy soon. You catch on after while not to go into anything with any guy expecting anything from him, just go with the flow and get to know a guy casually before putting any expectations on it like "could this be a life partner?". Yeah don't think about that on the first date, you're asking for trouble.
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Re: Turned down after a good first date

Unread postby Ammon » 17 July 2019, 22:23

Aww I’m sorry this happened to you, this reminds me of back when I was naïve.

I agree with yeaux, the first red flag was when he asked you to sleep over. If you missed your last train I’d say ok it’s only normal to invite, but that wasn’t the case.

Anyways, don’t start doubting yourself, just find yourself another date...

Hey.. It’s not like you dated a guy for 3 to 4 times a week, for 2 months, crushed hard on him and then you find out he is married to another man.. :rolleyes:
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