Tw: how to get through abusive past...

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Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 20:50

Today is a bad day for me. I’m stalking my rapist on Facebook. It was between the age of 2 until the age of 7 when he did that. My mom doesn’t want to talk about it. She tells me she doesn’t want to talk about it and it’s been kicked under the rug like it never happened. I somehow got to talk about not just the sexual but psychological, and physical abuse and neglect. I’ve been lock in bedrooms at my dads for sometimes a week without food and hygiene and total neglect. Like my uncle threaten me with knifes and another grabbing me by my hair and slammed me on the ground and stuff. I’ve went to school with head lice and missed 42 days of school because I kept getting lice and I’d spend a week or two a time for to get rid of them. My mom took out her anger on me. I’m dirty, I’m fat, I’m not as pretty as my sister, I’m a bitch, I’m a lazy bitch. I hear that shit every day in my head. Different voices but same message. Go harm yourself... go kill yourself. I’m a burden to society. I’m scared of myself sometimes. Something I got to get over. I don’t have a therapist to talk about this because of the corona virus and stuff. Any input is welcome. I’ve been having trigger moments being around young kids. Not sure why but the again I do.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 21:09

Ok, so, first things first.

You need to block your attacker on Facebook. Stalking them is so unconstructive. Facebook is bad enough for making emotionally vulnerable people feel shit about their lives, especially in comparison to others. To add the weight of those others being a source of such traumatic memories for you is a whole other level. Put a pin in this thread, come back to it in a moment, go to Facebook and block him now. You don't need that in your life.

On a broader note, I'd suggest it's perhaps a good idea to look at leaving social media altogether. In this thread and others, you've made it fairly clear that the circle of family you keep around you aren't good people and aren't good for you to be around. Unless you've neglected to mention, your social network isn't providing you a positive source of reinforcement or support. It's only offering you temptation towards emotionally draining forays into the lives of others. Impulse control not really being your forte just now, I'd suggest that maybe you take the option away altogether.

I think a fundamental first step on any road to better mental health is to learn to see things from another perspective. That is made a lot more difficult by keeping yourself around reminders that draw you into seeing everything in it's darkest possible light. I know you've mentioned that you don't have access to a therapist during this public health crisis, but if you're mental health is degrading to the point where thoughts of suicide or self-harm are becoming more frequent and more compelling then you need to take a degree of responsibility for yourself now whilst you still can. Perhaps it's come back to spending some time at the hospital again until this public health crisis is over and the support network you rely on outside of it is back in place? Who is it you live with now? Are you comfortable and at ease there?

Ultimately, the things that have happened to us in the past are exactly that. They're done with. They're no reflection on you as a person, either then or now. It's a matter of trying to find a way where you can reconcile those things, where you can put them in a box and have them be put away. Whilst it seems a clumsy use of language, you need to accept them. They happened. There's no undoing them. You have no control over the past, but you can control how they impact your future. If speaking to your family hasn't proved helpful, then you need to speak to the Police. You need to get yourself to a point where you've done all that you can reasonably expect of yourself to bring balance back to the narative. Once you've done all you can, you may find things easier to set aside and move on from.

We're here if you need to talk. But we're not professionals and lord knows you should take what any of us have to say with a pinch of salt. Indelicate though it may seem, you're a diagnosed schizophrenic. We can only offer advice and insight based on our own experience, and yours is distinct and nuanced beyond what we as a group really understand. That's not a good or a bad thing. It's just something to keep in mind, for you as well as us. There are certain things that we might feel are good advice that, in your specific instance, really aren't. Don't take it as gospel.

We're a sounding board, not a solution.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 22:07

Marmaduke wrote:Ok, so, first things first.

You need to block your attacker on Facebook. Stalking them is so unconstructive. Facebook is bad enough for making emotionally vulnerable people feel shit about their lives, especially in comparison to others. To add the weight of those others being a source of such traumatic memories for you is a whole other level. Put a pin in this thread, come back to it in a moment, go to Facebook and block him now. You don't need that in your life.

On a broader note, I'd suggest it's perhaps a good idea to look at leaving social media altogether. In this thread and others, you've made it fairly clear that the circle of family you keep around you aren't good people and aren't good for you to be around. Unless you've neglected to mention, your social network isn't providing you a positive source of reinforcement or support. It's only offering you temptation towards emotionally draining forays into the lives of others. Impulse control not really being your forte just now, I'd suggest that maybe you take the option away altogether.

I think a fundamental first step on any road to better mental health is to learn to see things from another perspective. That is made a lot more difficult by keeping yourself around reminders that draw you into seeing everything in it's darkest possible light. I know you've mentioned that you don't have access to a therapist during this public health crisis, but if you're mental health is degrading to the point where thoughts of suicide or self-harm are becoming more frequent and more compelling then you need to take a degree of responsibility for yourself now whilst you still can. Perhaps it's come back to spending some time at the hospital again until this public health crisis is over and the support network you rely on outside of it is back in place? Who is it you live with now? Are you comfortable and at ease there?

Ultimately, the things that have happened to us in the past are exactly that. They're done with. They're no reflection on you as a person, either then or now. It's a matter of trying to find a way where you can reconcile those things, where you can put them in a box and have them be put away. Whilst it seems a clumsy use of language, you need to accept them. They happened. There's no undoing them. You have no control over the past, but you can control how they impact your future. If speaking to your family hasn't proved helpful, then you need to speak to the Police. You need to get yourself to a point where you've done all that you can reasonably expect of yourself to bring balance back to the narative. Once you've done all you can, you may find things easier to set aside and move on from.

We're here if you need to talk. But we're not professionals and lord knows you should take what any of us have to say with a pinch of salt. Indelicate though it may seem, you're a diagnosed schizophrenic. We can only offer advice and insight based on our own experience, and yours is distinct and nuanced beyond what we as a group really understand. That's not a good or a bad thing. It's just something to keep in mind, for you as well as us. There are certain things that we might feel are good advice that, in your specific instance, really aren't. Don't take it as gospel.

We're a sounding board, not a solution.


I’ve blocked him.

I’ve also deleted my dad and his side of the a while ago. I don’t have many family members who are a positive part of my life. I’m living with a friend I known for 18 years. My last hospital stay was when I ran off, took a bus, and didn’t answer my phone. As far as my mental health goes I’m still trying to get my meds situation. The meds are still adjusting. They’re gradually increasing my dosage. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. I don’t think I’m a danger to myself right now. I have people keeping an eye on me so to say. I also don’t want to go to a group home. I’m not exactly a danger to myself anyways. I don’t think. I know I should take advice with a grain of salt but I hate to be the type to ask for advice and not follow through. I appreciate the time and effort with advice. I’m not quite sure what I want anymore. I am only 30 and I have maybe another 40 if not less. I feel like a failure and as I get older the clock ticks faster until my demised if I don’t kill myself first.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 22:19

I don't think you should view a group living situation as a necessarily bad thing, or a thing you should only look at if you're a danger to yourself.

Ultimately, your feelings and outlook are unlikely to change without a change in your circumstances. You aren't well enough to work at the moment, and whilst you're staying with friends and reliant on social security, there isn't much scope for things to develop for you. You're looking at getting yourself stuck in a loop.

Whilst I'm not telling you a group home is for the best, I would like to offer a differing perspective. It would be a place where genuine, constructive help would be on hand at all times. A place designed to help you develop towards self-sufficiency, to help you reconcile recurring issues and put you back into the world more confident, more comfortable and with the tools you need to get into the workplace and succeed. It would be a place where you could find genuine peer support. A place where you can remove yourself from all of the negative influences around you and just focus on yourself, what's important to you, what you need and how you can get it.

You say the clock ticking on and you feeling like a failure is what's motivating you towards feelings of self-harm and suicide. Making a clean start for yourself and seeking out the support you need is the start of working past that. At least from the outside looking in, a group home seems like it could be a really productive foundation to build upon.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 22:30

Marmaduke wrote:I don't think you should view a group living situation as a necessarily bad thing, or a thing you should only look at if you're a danger to yourself.

Ultimately, your feelings and outlook are unlikely to change without a change in your circumstances. You aren't well enough to work at the moment, and whilst you're staying with friends and reliant on social security, there isn't much scope for things to develop for you. You're looking at getting yourself stuck in a loop.

Whilst I'm not telling you a group home is for the best, I would like to offer a differing perspective. It would be a place where genuine, constructive help would be on hand at all times. A place designed to help you develop towards self-sufficiency, to help you reconcile recurring issues and put you back into the world more confident, more comfortable and with the tools you need to get into the workplace and succeed. It would be a place where you could find genuine peer support. A place where you can remove yourself from all of the negative influences around you and just focus on yourself, what's important to you, what you need and how you can get it.

You say the clock ticking on and you feeling like a failure is what's motivating you towards feelings of self-harm and suicide. Making a clean start for yourself and seeking out the support you need is the start of working past that. At least from the outside looking in, a group home seems like it could be a really productive foundation to build upon.


I’m not in a situation where I can join a group home. I am in A weird situation right now. I think I need therapy. I need something. I want someone to tell me everything is going to be alright.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 22:33

What's preventing you?
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 22:38

Marmaduke wrote:What's preventing you?


Freedom to do as I please. Being around people I don’t trust. I am waiting on something I hope is happening but it’s a long shot. Mainly my stupidity. Ive stayed in a group home like setting for mental health and also at a homeless shelter. Neither were ideal and I ended having stuff stolen and stuff.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 22:45

You're being defeatist and making excuses to not address issues that seem daunting. As you've just identified, you don't currently have the freedom to do as you please. You can't even go for a walk around the block unsupervised because the people you're staying with are afraid you'll run away. In practical terms, it's not like you're giving up liberty to go into a group home. If anything, over time, you'll probably accrue more freedom as you improve in the environment. What is it you're afraid is going to be stolen? You don't strike me much as the jewellery sort, what valuables do you need to take with you that you can't leave in the custody of your friend? At least for a while. Or is it that you don't trust them not to steal it, in which case I'll ask again, what is it that you have to lose from making a change?

Don't plan you future around chance and long shots, that's how you end up stuck in the same place with nothing changing. There is no 'ideal' scenario here in which the road forward is comfortable and without hurdles. There is work to be done and you're going to need to do it. Nobody is going to come along with the key to a wardrobe through which you can run away to a happily ever after. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get over the hard part and start working towards a better situation.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 23:00

Marmaduke wrote:You're being defeatist and making excuses to not address issues that seem daunting. As you've just identified, you don't currently have the freedom to do as you please. You can't even go for a walk around the block unsupervised because the people you're staying with are afraid you'll run away. In practical terms, it's not like you're giving up liberty to go into a group home. If anything, over time, you'll probably accrue more freedom as you improve in the environment. What is it you're afraid is going to be stolen? You don't strike me much as the jewellery sort, what valuables do you need to take with you that you can't leave in the custody of your friend? At least for a while. Or is it that you don't trust them not to steal it, in which case I'll ask again, what is it that you have to lose from making a change?

Don't plan you future around chance and long shots, that's how you end up stuck in the same place with nothing changing. There is no 'ideal' scenario here in which the road forward is comfortable and without hurdles. There is work to be done and you're going to need to do it. Nobody is going to come along with the key to a wardrobe through which you can run away to a happily ever after. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get over the hard part and start working towards a better situation.


I’m not materialistic... just I have stuff I want to keep in memory of my grandmother and my uncle. My mom will lose them. I’m scared tbh... I’m scared of getting hurt again. You can’t trust people there. Also, I promised my friend Something and I don’t plan on breaking it. I’m crazy about the situation I’m in now. I’m crazy for putting myself in this situation right now. I’m being irresponsible at the moment but too stubborn to change unless something drastic happens. I hate making excuses but I am aware what’s going on now here is crazy and stupid. I’m probably end up in another shitty situation. It’s sticky situation.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 23:03

Erti, you want someone to tell you it's all going to be ok.

Unless you change something, it is not all going to be ok. We're not going to lie to make you feel better. You have to start. It doesn't have to be a big change, or a meaningful one, but there needs to be a point where you take some small degree of action. You give us that, and we've got something to work with. If you can't, then we can't help you and you're going to find things hard until you can see your therapist again.

Just out of curiosity, what is this promise you made your friend that you're sacrificing yourself to keep?
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 23:21

Marmaduke wrote:Erti, you want someone to tell you it's all going to be ok.

Unless you change something, it is not all going to be ok. We're not going to lie to make you feel better. You have to start. It doesn't have to be a big change, or a meaningful one, but there needs to be a point where you take some small degree of action. You give us that, and we've got something to work with. If you can't, then we can't help you and you're going to find things hard until you can see your therapist again.

Just out of curiosity, what is this promise you made your friend that you're sacrificing yourself to keep?


How about this... if I become suicidal or deeply depressed I’ll call a hotline. Even if I do decide to go to a group home there’s a long wait to get into one. Especially with mental health. I changed the agency I go to for mental health and I’ve been doing appointments over the phone. My doctor for the clozapine.

I told my friend that I wouldn’t abandon him like he had others and as long as he doesn’t lay a hand on me and treat me with respect. He has mental health problems as well but I’m not ghosting him. I care for him. He stood up for me and he’s done a lot for me. I’m not going to abandon him because I know how that feels. I know it’s stupid but it’s hard. I don’t think I can handle losing him.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 23:27

You're not making a deal with me, Erti. I'm just laying out the situation as I see it. You're an adult. The choice is yours. But if there's a long wait to get into a group home, and you're still deciding, it's obvious that it makes sense to get yourself in the queue now.

And, without meaning to disparage your friend, your promise with him is stupid. You aren't leaving him alone, he has a family, you live with them. You're not living with them as his support, you're there as the person receiving support. Again, you're rationalising keeping things the way they are. Nobody is telling you to ghost or abandon your friend. Just don't live with him anymore.

I'll say it one last time. If you don't make a change, nothing will improve. It's only going to get worse. It's up to you.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 23:37

Marmaduke wrote:You're not making a deal with me, Erti. I'm just laying out the situation as I see it. You're an adult. The choice is yours. But if there's a long wait to get into a group home, and you're still deciding, it's obvious that it makes sense to get yourself in the queue now.

And, without meaning to disparage your friend, your promise with him is stupid. You aren't leaving him alone, he has a family, you live with them. You're not living with them as his support, you're there as the person receiving support. Again, you're rationalising keeping things the way they are. Nobody is telling you to ghost or abandon your friend. Just don't live with him anymore.

I'll say it one last time. If you don't make a change, nothing will improve. It's only going to get worse. It's up to you.


You’re not tell g me anything I don’t know. Yes the choice is mine and the thing with my friend is stupid on my end. Next week when my mental health clinic calls for my weekly check up I’ll ask about options on what I should do. I wanna talk to the counselor and see options. Group therapy... therapy more than once a week. I don’t want to leave my friend house. It’s too much of a sacrifice. I’m scared.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 23:44

That's good, that's positive, you have a roadmap of a the next few steps. Stick with it, hopefully things will start coming together.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 16 April 2020, 23:49

Marmaduke wrote:That's good, that's positive, you have a roadmap of a the next few steps. Stick with it, hopefully things will start coming together.


Thanks for taking the time to read my nonsense. Especially being someone who is an ocean away. I’ll update what they say. Again thank you :)
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Marmaduke » 16 April 2020, 23:50

You're welcome.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Eryx » 17 April 2020, 18:25

I'm very attracted to the idea of being a runner. There are countless times when I daydreamed about catching a random bus, or taking a random flight, without telling anyone where I'm going. There was a disastrous dam collapse in Brazil a couple of years ago near where I live and more than 300 workers lost their lives. About 15 of those are still missing, and I keep thinking sometimes, "I wonder if someone took the chance to disappear indefinitely." It's a terrible thought, but I have it sometimes.

For this case, the only idea I can think of -- it keeps repeating itself in my mind -- is to make as much money as you can and go to the opposite coast, begin anew. I don't know if it's the healthiest option or if it will work, and I'm sure it's not going to be easy at all, but it's what I think I'd do.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 17 April 2020, 18:36

Eryx wrote:I'm very attracted to the idea of being a runner. There are countless times when I daydreamed about catching a random bus, or taking a random flight, without telling anyone where I'm going. There was a disastrous dam collapse in Brazil a couple of years ago near where I live and more than 300 workers lost their lives. About 15 of those are still missing, and I keep thinking sometimes, "I wonder if someone took the chance to disappear indefinitely." It's a terrible thought, but I have it sometimes.

For this case, the only idea I can think of -- it keeps repeating itself in my mind -- is to make as much money as you can and go to the opposite coast, begin anew. I don't know if it's the healthiest option or if it will work, and I'm sure it's not going to be easy at all, but it's what I think I'd do.


I’ve ran off quite a few times. The first time was during a snow storm and it had to of been like 10 degrees Fahrenheit. I found myself at the hospital... too cold for them to take my temperature. My last time I ran off it was like 32 degrees out raining and took a bus to somewhere I didn’t know where I was at. I got off the bus and around old buildings I see spirits from the window. I ended up being picked up and sent to the hospital and pink slip me and ended up with a flu while I was being checked in to the psych unit. I was separated from people because I had the flu for 5 days i was in there. I ended up getting out before the whole covid 19 flu started to become more of a serious issue.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby Eryx » 17 April 2020, 19:01

Yeah, but that's running away, not running. If you really want to get there, and never look back, you need a plan. Estimate an amount of money that would keep you safe for three or four months, save that amount, pick a place where there are enough jobs around if you need it, try to figure out which neighborhood is relatively cheap and safe, talk to a tenant, make a reservation, buy a ticket and go. Have everything in front of you thought out before you walk through the front door. Running for the sake of running usually doesn't get us very far. Running with a plan can change everything.

It's scary as fuck, but even that feeling is exhilarating. And from what I know about your family up to now, you're not missing anything for leaving.
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Re: Tw: how to get through abusive past...

Unread postby erti » 17 April 2020, 19:29

Eryx wrote:Yeah, but that's running away, not running. If you really want to get there, and never look back, you need a plan. Estimate an amount of money that would keep you safe for three or four months, save that amount, pick a place where there are enough jobs around if you need it, try to figure out which neighborhood is relatively cheap and safe, talk to a tenant, make a reservation, buy a ticket and go. Have everything in front of you thought out before you walk through the front door. Running for the sake of running usually doesn't get us very far. Running with a plan can change everything.

It's scary as fuck, but even that feeling is exhilarating. And from what I know about your family up to now, you're not missing anything for leaving.


I can’t live alone or at least not now. I crave human interaction... I trust people too easily too. I’ve been told I’m very naive. I make friends easily with the wrong people. People help me reality check. If they don’t see what I see or hear what I hear it helps me a bit. Idk it’s scary being alone and being with other people.
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