Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

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Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 5 January 2020, 17:08

This post may be long. I'll do my best to keep it organized. I'm not as experienced with dating, so I need you guys to tell me how this looks.

I was acquainted with this dude in undergrad, about 6 years ago. I thought he was gorgeous. I was very heavy, didn't take care of myself, in no real shape to date.

At the end of October, this dude messages me that he is looking for an apartment in town and wants to know my experience, recently moved into my own place. We start discussing that, then we get into other topics, and since we first messaged about the apartment he has been messaging me 24/7. Sometimes it's conversation, sometimes we just share gifs back and forth. It's a lot of fun.

He ended up getting a place at my apartment complex. We hung out and had dinner. I am always a bit awkward and quiet at first, so is he. We messaged and the topic of dating came up, he said he didn't think we would e a good match right now because he would be too critical of my appearance. I accepted this - understanding that I very much need help and my current clothes are too large for me, I want better hair, etc. I am at my lowest weight of my life (started 2 years ago at 290lbs now 193lbs) and I'm working on toning and building muscle, seeing amazing results. But clothes are expensive, and with my bonus in a couple of weeks I'll be upgrading my wardrobe to a degree. Basically, I know that I could look better - the dude was never rude to me, but he is very into his appearance and looks. I am on a journey with my appearance but it's one I go alone for this exact reason. When I said I wanted to go to the store with him he said we shouldn't, because I would develop feelings for him if we hung out that often. That hurt, to be honest.

I'll be honest - when he said we shouldn't date, I cried. And I went to my mom. I can't help how I feel, and at the time I didn't understand how I felt either. But then I felt some strength inside and was like "fuck this guy", and it actually propelled me into a stricter diet/fitness routine and I was able to focus on myself again. I got over him and felt great. Infatuation over.

He keeps messaging me, we hang out more and more. About a month passes. He's over at my place for dinner a lot, I like to cook for him and he likes my food. We have the same taste in movies and we connect intellectually like I have with no one else. He has had the same experiences with divorced parents, going through religion as a gay guy, etc. Honestly talking to him feels like talking to a kindred spirit. We literally spend hours together just talking, or enjoying one another in silence.

This is where things get kinda fucky.
He wants to spend the night at my apartment, and beforehand he says he wants to kiss me, in exchange he'll play with my dick. I agree. He says he doesn't want to have sex, wants to save it for our "first official date", wants to go to a hotel and have a special evening to show me he's not "just another friend with benefits". He comes over, asks if I'm nervous - I say no. When he kisses me he's aggressive, goes straight in with tongue - I fucking loved it. Then he pushes me down onto my bed, lifts my shirt, and kisses my chest and stomach. This is where I fell for him a little - because he didn't say anything about me having loose skin or faded stretch marks. He just kissed me. We kissed more, I took off my pants and underwear, he did the same, and we made out in my bed. We kept grinding against eachother and before I knew it, I was already partly inside him. I asked if I could fuck him - he said yes, and it was insane. It takes me a long time to cum - I'm talking over an hour, and I haven't yet found a dude who can put up with it. I am also on the large/thick side, so guys get tired out, in my experience. Also, I've only ever been able to cum once with a guy (after hooking up many times and building a connection) - this adds pressure to sex for me. We had sex that night, decided to stop before either of us came, fell asleep. The next morning we ended up spending hours in bed and it was awesome. I ended up breeding him and it was so intense for both of us. We were really close and affectionate the rest of the day, it was like a dream.

You guys with boyfriends have probably had experiences like the one above before. I haven't, so this is new for me.

The day after, we message. He is cool at first, but then decides he doesn't want sexual talk between us for a period because of some spiritual state he was trying to experience. I explain that I thought we would be closer after the last time we hung out. He tells me not to be disappointed. I want to respect his boundaries, and I ask him to tell me if he decides we wouldn't be good dating, and I will move on. He tells me not to push him away.

I thought after that conversation, he wouldn't talk to me anymore. He was distant for about a day. Then the messages 24/7 started coming in, and he does not refrain from sexual topics. I confront him, he is wishy-washy and dismissive of what he said. We hang out more.

He started sleeping over again a couple weeks ago, We don't have sex or kiss on the mouth, but we hold hands and I kiss his hand. We wrestle, laugh, etc. It's generally pretty romantic, but what do I know. He told me I shouldn't sleep with anyone else, he won't either. Keep in mind I'm still not getting any from him. Just cuddles.

We went to lunch a few times, he starts asking me my thoughts on dating and about my experiences, and shares his. We both want to travel, he suggests we travel together. He jokes about kids we might have, asks me my thoughts on children, etc. He says he wants to do things with me, etc etc. We connect very well intellectually, more than I've connected with anyone before. He expresses similar feelings. We both have similar goals, and it seems like a real connection, at least to me,

I spent last night with him. I told him I would be down to date him sometime. He said he is "open to the possibility." He told me he doesn't feel he is capable of love anymore. That when he thinks of "hot guys" he just sees "ashes", then told me more about his spiritual understanding of sexuality and such. The thing is - I empathize with this 100%. I felt this way, incapable of love, but for different reasons. My feeling alleviated when I began focusing on my own health and well being. However, him feeling this way could mean he doesn't feel there is a romantic future with us - which is strange given his behavior.

So - I am unsure where to go from here.

On one hand, we connect very well intellectually. I never expected sex with him to be so good. I genuinely like him, and I could develop feelings for him if I let go. Perhaps he is just taking things slow.

On the other hand, he is sending me major mixed signals with his behavior being so incongruent with his words when we talk about this. I don't need a commitment immediately, I'm fine with just having a good time and seeing where things go. He seems a bit reactive and when I bring things up he gaslights me about half the time, telling me "don't overthink things." I'm wondering if perhaps he has some issues he needs to work out on his own.

If this entire thing is a waste of time and he is just playing me, I want to start backing away from whatever is going on here. Spending time with him takes an enormous amount of mental energy for me, and I could easily spend that energy on myself.
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby René » 5 January 2020, 18:29

ShutUpAndBeHappy wrote:I'm wondering if perhaps he has some issues he needs to work out on his own.

Sounds like it! That's all I can say.
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 6 January 2020, 03:39

Possibilities:

The guy is just a bit weird in a way that you can't appreciate -> time to move on.
The guy is playing you as you say, again not your cup of tea -> time to move on.

IMO it actually working out with him is a non-possibility -> time to move on.

Add the three up above: just run now. Sorry but also trying to interject some humor
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 6 January 2020, 18:10

Dunno how to assess relationship elements, since I never had one, but besides, what René said, I would guess the guy to be somehow insecure about his own feelings, them toward you and them about himself or what he really would like to have with you. Reads a bit like he can't make up his mind, and he takes that concept of spirituality to hide behind.

As you two click so well, personalities could be working in similar ways, too, and he's kind of subconsciously mirroring the situation's reading. Just some thesis, doesn't need to apply. :shrug:

What would you possibly lose if you just went along with him and see what eventually would become of it? The "trouble" could eventually lift off, once he found a solution that suits his mind.

On humours, as long as he doesn't wake up one morning and decided to, say, be a woman, everything just can get better.
If ya want to hang with me, let's go windsurfing!

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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby Eryx » 7 January 2020, 22:13

This is a tough one. I don't think he's in a good place to date right now, he's too confused and his actions aren't following what he's saying, so that could bring up some problems later on. Also, I hope you're on PrEP? Tops can get HIV as well and it's not like you really know this guy's sexual history.

Anyway, when it comes to jokes about the future and relationships, I'd say you shouldn't take it too seriously. The same goes for the whole "I'm done with love" thing. That can change so fast!!

I wish I could help you more, but to be perfectly honest I think I'd be just as confused as you in this situation. With the difference that usually, when it gets to this point, I protect myself by backing away and looking for someone more stable. The last time someone was this indecisive with me, I dropped them completely and it's actually entertaining to see them looking for me or trying to get in touch after so long. They've lost their chance.
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby Frigid » 8 January 2020, 16:50

I don’t understand when people act like that. He either wants a relationship or he doesn’t.
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 8 January 2020, 17:05

Eryx wrote:This is a tough one. I don't think he's in a good place to date right now, he's too confused and his actions aren't following what he's saying, so that could bring up some problems later on. Also, I hope you're on PrEP? Tops can get HIV as well and it's not like you really know this guy's sexual history.

Anyway, when it comes to jokes about the future and relationships, I'd say you shouldn't take it too seriously. The same goes for the whole "I'm done with love" thing. That can change so fast!!

I wish I could help you more, but to be perfectly honest I think I'd be just as confused as you in this situation. With the difference that usually, when it gets to this point, I protect myself by backing away and looking for someone more stable. The last time someone was this indecisive with me, I dropped them completely and it's actually entertaining to see them looking for me or trying to get in touch after so long. They've lost their chance.

You know, we were having a conversation last night and I realized that he is just playing some sort of game with me. I don't understand what or why, but I think he's not a viable candidate for any sort of commitment. So we'll just enjoy being friends and maybe hook up, but I don't think he is the type I would enjoy a relationship with after all.

Thank you, and everyone else, for the advice.

Yep, I am on prep and get tested regularly. Gotta love breeding twinks, amirite? :awesome:
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 8 January 2020, 17:06

Frigid wrote:I don’t understand when people act like that. He either wants a relationship or he doesn’t.


Exactly. Like it's not hard to be clear about what you want - and if you're not sure, tell me. He is keeping me for himself but not giving me anything, so I think I'm going to call it and move on.
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Re: Unsure if I'm wasting my time with this guy.

Unread postby Eryx » 8 January 2020, 21:37

I'm glad you're alright and protecting your own feelings. Keep improving yourself and looking for new opportunities, if anything you'll feel great about yourself when he finally realizes what he's lost.
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