What is my friend playing at?

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What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby MadCherub » 24 August 2019, 13:37

This is long, I apologize, but it’s also the spark notes version.

There’s a friend of mine (also my coworker. We met at work in February, 2019), that I have a crush on. For me, a crush wont develop until there’s reason for me to believe that he has feelings, too. And for my crush right now, there has been, but I dont know his sexuality. I do know he’s had girlfriends, but some of his actions make it difficult to believe he’s straight.

He blushes, laughs at all my jokes, holds eye contact, hovers around and very close to me. He makes sure we walk to our cars together, do errands together. With other people, he’s closed off and shy, but around me he’s a completely different person, open, fun and very talkative. He’s also gotten physical, which I’ll explain in a sec, but I do want to point out one major negative: his hesitancy to hang out outside of work.

As for the physical touches, there’s one that I cant find reasonable doubt for: I was trying to put a new ink cartridge in the printer, with just the two of us there, and was having trouble. He notices, laughs, leans in very close to me, wraps his hand around mine, and tries to guide the my hand in the right direction (like how a guy teaches a girl how to golf in a movie, except...with a printer). I was scared and did nothing, even after he did it a second time. We were both so unfocused that we failed to noticed the cartridge was just upside down.

Getting up to date, he knows I’m gay at this point, and he has a new girlfriend. He posted a picture of them on instagram. Out of spite, I didnt like it. At work, he brings it up to me: “I posted a picture on instagram...” silence, as if he was waiting for me to respond if I had seen it or not, or like he already knew I didnt like it. But I say nothing. “...and...I didnt notice until she posted it, too, that uh...my pants are bit tight. And you can see everything haha”.

Now...I know what a noticeable bulge will look like. And when I first saw the picture, nothing stood out. That night I looked again...still nothing...\n\nWe go out for drinks and a movie later that week, and he confirms my original suspicions: “I am OFFENDED that you did not like my instagram picture!” To me, I am beyond flattered he noticed, but also my mind starts racing...out of the 75 people who liked it...”you were looking to see if I liked your picture?” “Well you know, I was looking and was like ‘wait, Nick didnt like my picture!’” To shut it down, I brought up how he stopped looking at my instagram stories around the same time, so we were both caught, and there was no resolve.

That same night, he says “ok, I cant handle this anymore” as he gets his phone out, pulls up the picture, and places it in front of me. “I need to know”. “...why are you doing this to me?” “Because I need to know if there’s something there”.

I dont know if it’s typical for guys to ask a guy friend, especially one they know is gay, to look for their bulge, but it seemed strange to me. And this was days after the post, why was he so worried about it? And why was my opinion the deciding factor? He has other friends he couldve asked.

I told him there’s nothing, and all he said was “ok” as if he knew the answer already. Or, as my friend pointed out, maybe I just unintentionally claimed he has a small penis?

I dont know what game he’s playing at, and I dont know what to do.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby NvM » 24 August 2019, 19:45

you gotta wait till he is in-between girl friends.
do you really want a co-worker

he gets off playing for your loving attention dosnt he but between you two there is no rush?
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby Eryx » 24 August 2019, 21:18

I agree with NvM... I'd add he's probably a little bit confused or just wants your attention. Some straight guys really do enjoy getting attention from a gay guy just because it's another dude and they can boost their self-confidence with the responses. Tread carefully and don't let yourself get too involved, because he's got all the cards right now.

If it gets too intense and he's still dating and avoiding hang-outs outside of work, you'll know when it's time to say "Stop giving me mixed signals, I'm not a toy."
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby Jzone » 24 August 2019, 23:21

Sounds to me like he is exploring and wants you to make an encouraging move. You don't want to get between him and his girlfriend, but maybe you could have a friendly bromance — if you can handle keeping it light.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby MadCherub » 26 August 2019, 22:44

Thanks for your help, guys, I really appreciate it. I’ll take my time with things, and hopefully they get better.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 30 September 2019, 07:53

Hey MadCherub. Any updates on this?
From what you've said, it seems like he's looking for attention (as mentioned by the other posters). As Eryx said, some straight guys just want an ego booster from a gay guy. It would seem that there's a perception that because we're gay, we just want to get into every straight guy's pants.
However, you have a crush on the guy. That changes the dynamics in the sense that you probably would like to get in there, but not just because he's some random straight guy.
Have to admit. The printer thing is rather odd. I have two colleagues who are both allegedly straight, but are very touchy-feely. That being said, the two of them are good friends so I guess they're comfortable with each other. They constantly call each other "sexy" and :good-looking", lots of sexual innuendo's. That maybe relatively normal between straight guys, not really sure. However, they often grab each other's ass. Give it a good squeeze, once or twice have kept holding on for a bit. The one once rubbed the other's ass. For me, that's pushing the boundaries a bit.
The reason for my mentioning all of this is that while that may be ok between guys who are good friends, the whole printer thing definitely seems out of place.

So, has he given further signals?
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby PandaBoo » 30 September 2019, 15:18

Your friend needs a beating. Or you could just get another friend and leave him. Easy.
Please note the message above was written by a troll who has since been banned.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby Jryski » 1 October 2019, 16:47

^ ummm what?
I'm not sure what the friend is getting at. If someone's like that around me I just keep goin like everythings normal till it's not. Then I'll decide what to do.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby MadCherub » 5 October 2019, 13:07

Oof updates are bit rough, Kenzie.

But first, there’s a high chance he knew I was gay when the printer scene happened. Apparently, my other coworkers knew I was gay, which is fine, and they gossip a lot. He was working there for 6 months before I came back, so there was plenty of time for them to mention it. And when I eventually came out to him a week or two later, it felt like he knew already.

That aside, I have been a mess, as if I was just broken up with. My mind wouldnt stop overthinking, so I started writing in a journal to release some anxiety. Eventually, I started seeing a therapist, as well, and then a month or two later, anxiety medication. My anxiety has always been there, this just escalated it, and I didnt know what else to do.

I have been all over with him. Sometimes we’re best friends, others I’m ignoring him out of fear that he’ll bring up the girlfriend.

At one point, I really had no idea what he wanted from me, a friendship, a nice coworker, idk, and the whole printer scene! The guessing game became too much for me, so...I told him. We were leaving work one day, and I said “Whenever you mention Dani, I sort of shut down, and it’s just at one point I thought you had feelings for me. So it’s hard when you mention her, and I’m sorry if I ever shut you out or something because of it”.

Not a fan that I apologized for my feelings, but that’s the gist of what happened.

The next day we were really great, and had a really fun day doing work errands together. But the black and white emotions are coming back, and right now I cant talk to him without getting stressed.

But he keeps coming back, too....he keeps trying to win me back. Idk out of necessity for work, or because he actually wants to.

My friendship with him was one of the best I ever had at its peak. But idk...for my own health, maybe it’s time to move on? Or maybe this will pass soon? Idk.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby Eryx » 5 October 2019, 19:10

People are lonely, and they love making connections. He values you as a friend and he probably misses you when you try to get some distance. It's still just friendship, though... If you can't control it, you need your time.

Maybe try to hook up with someone who could be interested in you? That will certainly take your mind off of him, if only, at least, for a while.
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Re: What is my friend playing at?

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 7 October 2019, 11:26

Thanks for the update, Mad. It is a tough situation. I don't believe there is a right or wrong answer in terms of whether or not you should cut all ties. That's a difficult thing to do, especially since you are colleagues as well.
Eryx as a good point though. You need a distraction. Hooking up would definitely be one.

One thing to remember is that although we can multi-task, we can't actually multi-focus. So for as long as you're focusing on him and what all of this is doing to you, the negative feelings will keep multiplying.

By finding someone else to shift your affections to, it will (hopefully) be easier to think less of this guy and the effect this is all having on you emotionally.
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