What Should I Do? T^T

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What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby littlebat » 1 May 2019, 17:17

Hi. I met this percussion guy on a gay dating App about 7 months ago. We chatted for about 2 months then we had a dinner together. I liked him. We continued chatting and he grew on me; I liked him more and more. Although he seems always busy (touring with a percussion ensemble and teaching percussion, possibly practicing too), this time he hasn't replied by Line message for almost a month. I saw him online on Instagram, I messaged him but he never reads it.

Am I not cute enough? Did I do something wrong? Please help; he is the only guy who does not mention, or hint about sex during our whole communication. (Most guys I met online before meeting in person will suddenly shift the conversation, at different time, to sex without any reason, which hinders me from even meeting them in person; I just want a serious relationship that starts with love, not shallow sex!)

P.S. Don't get me wrong, I love sex but it should not be included as a topic when you start knowing a person, right?

T^T
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby craigp » 1 May 2019, 17:26

I feel the same way. It seems like everyone I get involved with is a sex addict. Although I am married, so when we get together, there is not much else to do for discretionary reasons.

Sometimes a guy may withdraw if he doesn't feel like he can be himself. Maybe he wants to talk sex with you, but feels he can't?
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby Eryx » 2 May 2019, 05:19

I'm not you, but when I see these kinds of threads I tend to think about what I'd do in the other person's place, so here's my take on it: sex isn't so scary or daunting; just because someone wants to get there quick, it doesn't mean they're not dating material. You might be missing out on a lot of chances to hook up with someone great just because you think their eagerness for sex is a red flag. Sometimes a hook up can become something bigger. It often does!

Secondly, there's nothing wrong with you. This guy travels a lot and you seem to take things slow, so it might just be that he's met someone who took matters into their own hands quicker, or that he's simply met someone through his work and travels. The least likely possibility is that there's an issue with you. You just weren't there. You were a chat window, and the rest of his life kept moving.

littlebat wrote:I just want a serious relationship that starts with love, not shallow sex!
Be careful about what you consider to be "shallow sex." Sometimes, it's just sex at the beginning of a relationship. Don't lie to yourself -- we're all men here. If you really feel like your need half a year to do something in the bedroom, then don't expect your significant others to think the same. It's unrealistic.
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby René » 2 May 2019, 10:23

Eryx wrote:I'm not you, but when I see these kinds of threads I tend to think about what I'd do in the other person's place, so here's my take on it: sex isn't so scary or daunting; just because someone wants to get there quick, it doesn't mean they're not dating material. You might be missing out on a lot of chances to hook up with someone great just because you think their eagerness for sex is a red flag. Sometimes a hook up can become something bigger. It often does!

[...]

littlebat wrote:I just want a serious relationship that starts with love, not shallow sex!
Be careful about what you consider to be "shallow sex." Sometimes, it's just sex at the beginning of a relationship. Don't lie to yourself -- we're all men here. If you really feel like your need half a year to do something in the bedroom, then don't expect your significant others to think the same.

I think what littlebat means by 'shallow' is that it's not based on any kind of deep established emotional bond, and I don't think he's lying to himself. Also, not all of us here are men.

Guys seeking sex with people they hardly know on these apps is definitely a red flag when it comes to the prospect of a successful, lasting relationship. Of course it doesn't mean it's impossible, but if one of the first things you do together is have sex, that tends to become part of the foundation of the relationship to the detriment of other factors, like communication and how much you have in common. The problem is that sexual passion and excitement tend to decline over the course of a relationship.

Research bears this out and indicates couples who don't have sex right away tend to have more successful relationships and better sex once they do engage in it.[1]
Meanwhile, having great sex doesn't make you have more in common or be more compatible in other ways.

Basically, if one of your first selection criteria is sexual satisfaction, you end up with people you're less compatible with in important ways that make a relationship more sustainable in the long term, while missing out on people who might have been an excellent match both sexually and otherwise if only you'd gotten to know each other first.
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby littlebat » 2 May 2019, 12:10

craigp wrote:I feel the same way. It seems like everyone I get involved with is a sex addict. Although I am married, so when we get together, there is not much else to do for discretionary reasons.


For me, there are a lot of happy things to do with my lover; watching TV shows, listening to music, playing computer games, have a walk, or even just leaning on each other on the sofa while chatting are happy enough to "energize" me for a whole day.

craigp wrote:Sometimes a guy may withdraw if he doesn't feel like he can be himself. Maybe he wants to talk sex with you, but feels he can't?


Yes, that might be a possibility. But it's unlikely because he's a Christian (I don't believe in any religion, I think they're unscientific) and he never touched or looked at me sexually when we met.
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby littlebat » 2 May 2019, 14:57

Eryx wrote:I'm not you, but when I see these kinds of threads I tend to think about what I'd do in the other person's place, so here's my take on it: sex isn't so scary or daunting; just because someone wants to get there quick, it doesn't mean they're not dating material. You might be missing out on a lot of chances to hook up with someone great just because you think their eagerness for sex is a red flag. Sometimes a hook up can become something bigger. It often does!

Secondly, there's nothing wrong with you. This guy travels a lot and you seem to take things slow, so it might just be that he's met someone who took matters into their own hands quicker, or that he's simply met someone through his work and travels. The least likely possibility is that there's an issue with you. You just weren't there. You were a chat window, and the rest of his life kept moving.

littlebat wrote:I just want a serious relationship that starts with love, not shallow sex!
Be careful about what you consider to be "shallow sex." Sometimes, it's just sex at the beginning of a relationship. Don't lie to yourself -- we're all men here. If you really feel like your need half a year to do something in the bedroom, then don't expect your significant others to think the same. It's unrealistic.

My "hookups" (long time ago) never became anything bigger. They still just want sex from me.
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Re: What Should I Do? T^T

Unread postby littlebat » 2 May 2019, 16:38

René wrote:Guys seeking sex with people they hardly know on these apps is definitely a red flag when it comes to the prospect of a successful, lasting relationship. Of course it doesn't mean it's impossible, but if one of the first things you do together is have sex, that tends to become part of the foundation of the relationship to the detriment of other factors, like communication and how much you have in common. The problem is that sexual passion and excitement tend to decline over the course of a relationship.

Research bears this out and indicates couples who don't have sex right away tend to have more successful relationships and better sex once they do engage in it.[1]
Meanwhile, having great sex doesn't make you have more in common or be more compatible in other ways.

Basically, if one of your first selection criteria is sexual satisfaction, you end up with people you're less compatible with in important ways that make a relationship more sustainable in the long term, while missing out on people who might have been an excellent match both sexually and otherwise if only you'd gotten to know each other first.


Thank you! This is exactly what I mean. Anyways, what should I do now?
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