What should I do?

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What should I do?

Unread postby jlando » 28 January 2020, 07:28

Hello everyone, I just want to talk about a really weird and complicated situation I'm in right now just to get it off my chest, and to get a different point of view.

So, without making this a novel, I'll try and make it as brief as possible.

Last summer, I started to come out as bi to some of my close friends and family. Despite going to a school that was mostly homophobic, I have a good group of people and friends that are acceptant and such. That was the easy part, as I just told many people on a low-key basis, and feedback was great. Still not totally out of the closet, but I really don't think I need to be "open" about it.

However, while opening up to some people, there was this one guy that I've been loose friends with for a while (mainly because we went to different schools). I'll call him Paul to retain anonymity. I've known him for a while, but didn't truly know him. I knew him mainly since we ran cross country/track and field for our respective schools, and played video games together, but I never really hung out with him. My gaydar did kind of go off when I started to get to know him a little better, but I didn't say anything, obviously.

When I came out to him, it was just like the others at first - the normal "how long have you known?" questions came up, and it was pleasant. But, the mood of the conversation switched when he began to tell me that he knew (well, rather assumed) that I was, and had known for a while. This of course got me thinking that he might be too. My thoughts were amplified when he discussed his regret that he hadn't asked about it early, since he knew how hard it is to not be able to talk to someone about this. I was really glad that I had someone else who understood. But, I really thought about the idea that he was bi as well.

After consulting one of my bicurious friends (whom I originally came out to, and gave me a lot of support and confidence; I'll call him Ryan, same reason), he told me to straight-up ask him if he [Paul] was. So I did, and was met with what I was fearing - he said he was "straight, I think." Let's just say, that night did not go too well for me.

However, about a week and a half later, he messaged me on Snap (which is basically the only platform we communicate on, not my preference) and asked if I was up. I responded, and he said he was bi, but directly said that he basically has a gf. I didn't care about the latter part, not in a disrespectful manner, but rather that I was more focused and happy that he was comfortable with telling me that. Just like when I told him, discussion was good. We talked about various subjects, including relationship inquiries, and preferences. To sum it up, he seemed kind of insecure about it all, but knows and accepts that he's bi. He also said that I am the only person he has told about this; not even his parents because he fears that it will lead to awkward conversations and such (his parents are 100% accepting though, like mine are). He said that he doesn't see himself being in a relationship with a guy at the moment, but is more into the "sexy stuff." Honestly, I am down for that as well, but those aren't my first motives when it comes to guys (I'll continue this later lol). But, what really got me thinking was when he said that he knows that he could be in a relationship with one, but nothing too serious. Aha! He then asked that question to me, and I reply similarly. During this exchange, there was a lot of tension, excitement, etc. that I was feeling because I knew he was talking about me. Eventually, we said our good nights and I went to bed with a lot of happy thoughts on my mind.

Later that week, I picked him up to go to a friends house where we went to hang out and smoke. He kinda got me into that, which I don't mind but don't necessarily need to do. The night went on, and I kept it low key (I think he did too) since we were with friends; one who doesn't know about me being bi, and both don't know about him. The one that doesn't know about me can also be an ass, and was that night. But, high off THC and such, I still was thinking about him a lot. We all eventually went to bed later in the morning, and we both [Paul and I] ended up in the same bed together. As I drifted off into sleep, I eventually woke up and noticed my arm was around him. He was pretty close to me, and his face was directly in front of mine. Don't exactly know how it happened, but something clicked and we were making out. And damn. I didn't know how hot french kissing could be (okay, I'll get to the point). Eventually, he moved my hand down south, and we started to jerk each other off. It was quite an intimate experience, but I knew we had to keep it down so our other two friends wouldn't wake up. Eventually, it died down and we went back to bed. Later that morning, I drove him over to his morning practice. The atmosphere of the car ride was very quiet and awkward, partly because of that after-day reminiscent high, but mostly because of what had happened. After that day, things started to get rough.

The months after built up more confusion and ambiguity in my life. I was moving out to college (which is only 25 mins away from home), and he started his junior year of high school (I know some may speculate with the age/legality of it, but please hold off the discussion for another time. Overall, it's not the biggest deal, but it's another reason why I'm cautious). Feeling so close to something that could have been great but not getting it did a number on me. Communication between us got more stale and awkward, but we still snapped back and forth daily (no ghosting for the most part). I know I am quite an overthinker, but my depression and anxiety got really bad early in the semester, with this situation being the center-point of it all. Transitioning into college didn't help. From this, to social and academic stunts in school, and a legal fallout from weed (now resolved), I felt like my life was spinning out of control. I eventually got the help I needed via counseling and an anti-depressant, and got my life back on track. Yet, I still don't feel whole. Happiness feels temporal. I guess I just wanted clarity.

In December, as snaps still rolled in, he got cross-faded (drunk and high) and was pretty talkative for some reason. For a while, I had been even more low-key with snapping him; waited a while to respond, etc. (you get it...) mainly because I was still confused what he felt about me. That night, I was with friends bowling, and we eventually went to Cookout where I got a tray with chicken and fries. I jokingly sent a picture of my food, where he replied "That looks good" or something along the lines of that. I asked if he wanted me to get him some, and he eventually said yeah (he said more, I just can't remember).

So I did, and went to his house. Feeling a mix of happiness, nervousness, and excitement of being able to see him again, I went in, gave him the food, and sat watching Futurama (I think?) with him. We made small talk, but I still felt the presence of the elephant in the room, which was the confusion I wanted to clear up. Hell, I just wanted to talk about everything with him, I guess. But, nothing sexually, romantically, or intimately happened. Maybe that was for the good, since I feel that I scared him away with what originally happened less than half a year ago at the friend's house. But, I was distraught when I eventually left, because I felt like I could have done something.

The days went on, snaps still sent, and I eventually went back to college to start training for the track season coming up, and to get ready for the next academic term (early January, for reference). During this time, we talked about getting together and doing an edible at some point (yes, I know waht you're thinking... you just got in trouble for weed! Well yes, but at college. I know when and where to do my illicit activities now... hehe). That never did happen, mainly because I was too busy, but the one night I thought might've been optimal, I jokingly sent a snap at work saying "we should have done the edible tonight" after he sent me a snap of him with a tab on his tongue. He responded "can't bae stopped by." Idk why, but that really shook me up, because I thought that it was truly over, things are out of my hands. Yes, it was probably overreaction, but I left him on read after that.

I still snapped him after that, but I still occasionally left him on read when I stupidly overthought stuff. About a week and a half ago, I was on Discord with him and his friend, and again I played low-key. They eventually switched channels, assumably because my friends came in and made a lot of noise for whatever reason lol. That's when I decided just to get off b/c I just wanted to not put anymore thought into it (but of course, like always, I did lol). To help ease my mind, I took a small hit of my dab pen (licensed cart, of course) and got a little buzzed. He snapped me a little after I got off, and I left him on read. Usually I do that because I don't want to talk, and that was the purpose for that (not because I necessarily wanted to avoid him). About an hour later, while I was watching some movie with my friends, he sent me a snap that I didn't open until an hour after receiving it. It was a blank screen saying, "I'm sorry for everything." At first, I was surprised and somewhat optimistic, because he did know that I was suffering from all the pain this whole situation has brought me. But, that feeling was quickly succeeded by fear, because I was concerned for his safety. Again, I overreacted, but for the right reason. I chatted on snap, asking if everything was alright. I also texted him saying that I hope he was alright, and that I was a little worried. Since I was high, I over analysed the situation.

The next morning after rough sleep, I noticed he chatted back. He said that he apologized because he never knew what to do to make himself happy, and that while everything he did only makes him and some people around him happy, that he was sorry that I was on the negative side of all of it. Probably writing too much, I said that stuff like that happens, but that I was happy that he apologized for it. I also apologized for letting my emotions get too involved, for pushing too fast initially, and for trying to shut him out. He said that I don't have to apologize for anything, but I said that I do since I was the one to initially fuck up. He said its fine, then said that he was sorry that he could never make any real decisions. I said I understand, but asked him what made him apologize. He said he wasn't really sure, but felt like he owed it to me. After I asked him why, he said he was kind of a douche. He felt very vague with a lot of things, which he said wasn't fair. He said he still feels that way, but when I asked him if he wanted to talk about it, he said he didn't really want to.

This really uplifted my thoughts towards it all - him, the situation, etc. I thought maybe it's time to try and give it a second chance. But my big question was how? Thinking even more about it, I started to feel even more and more confused, frustrated, and lost. Along with classes starting, my mental energy and focus kept deteriorating, to where an almost all nighter and little sleep made me want to snap him saying "I'm sorry too," which I did. After waking up and just seeing a normal snap from him, I finally lost it. I didn't go berserk, I just felt like all hope was lost. So, I left him on read, and logged out of my snap. This happened about five days ago.

So now, I feel even more lonely than ever. I still don't know what to do. I created a new snap to keep up with my college group chats, and added some of my close friends and teammates. I didn't add him, but I log back in to my old one occasionally to see if he still snaps to send streaks - he does, but hasn't in the past two days. I really feel like I fucked it up this time. I still think about him all the time, but today I moved from anger towards him to regret about what I did. I just need to hear what another person thinks I should do. I know he isn't perfect, but nor am I. I've wanted to try and pursue someone else, but I just feel like I can't. Hell, even the two times I've tried to they've been unfulfilling and not worked out. I just know that everything has happened for a reason, and there's still some force at play. We would have stopped talking before five days ago, and he would have not showed his interest in me if it wasn't truly there. What should I do?
jlando
 
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Re: What should I do?

Unread postby Safigooner » 28 January 2020, 16:23

Hmmmmmmmm what a complex situation. I honestly don't think you guys are on the same level of accepting who you are. You sound more settled with your sexuality than he is. Obviously he is younger and curious but most likely he is confused. I think you are letting your emotions get the best of you here. What I would do here is just talk to him, and by that I mean face to face, none of that snapchat social media bullshit, a real mature conversation of how you feel, open up about everything, see where he stands at and who knows you might be surprised of the outcome.
You gotta realize since he is younger, most likely he would be scared to make any first steps, I bet it took him ages to snap you "I am sorry".
Talk to him, see how things develop and you will have a clearer image on how to move on. Just don't overthink the outcome, don't be hesitant, you will not get over this until you get clear answers or at least a closure. And if things don't go the way you hope for, at least you won't hate yourself for not giving it a shot, and remember you're still at a young age, you learn from these experiences so take this whole situation positively and again, ease up with your overthinking and over analyzing everything.
good luck pal
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Re: What should I do?

Unread postby Eryx » 28 January 2020, 19:49

I feel like, even though you wrote this wall of text, you didn't tell us most of what actually mattered. From what you shared, nothing horrible was done by anyone. You guys fooled around, you felt weird about it, then what? Snapchat conversations? "Left him on read"? Context for that? I don't get what's so horrible about anything you did because you didn't really share anything of substance. Your writing leaves nothing to feel bad about.

How exactly did you push things too far? Jerking off together and making out while high isn't really pushing things too far, in my opinion, it's actually pretty slow lol. I'll chalk that up to culture.

Anyway, you don't have to be so vigilant about the fact that you smoke pot, it's not really a big deal anymore... and it's definitely not something that actually makes anyone impaired about making these kinds of decisions (at least in my opinion). If anything, it actually clears some stuff up.

Are you feeling bad because of the fact that you like this boy and keep being distant and cold just not to get too involved? I'd say if that's the case, it's already too late. You like him, and you're hurting yourself by not being open about it. What's the worst that could happen if you were actually affectionate and available? Him backing away out of fear? That means he isn't ready, and then you can finally close this book and move on. Being unavailable and cold to protect yourself clearly isn't working.

If it's all the other stuff that's making you feel bad, then you seek him out more, because he's someone that makes you happy and excited about trying new things. Clearly, he's interested in doing that as well. The girlfriend thing can be sorted out later, but not too late because she's also a person.

The age thing... What is this, 19 and 17? Is that really a problem in the US? I thought you could consent at 16 or something. Silly anyway, that age gap doesn't seem weird at all.

Good luck! And try to get out of your head a little, he's not the only guy in the world. Either you guys grow a pair and act on your feelings more appropriately (i.e. as adults), or you shut things down and go enjoy the college experience. There are so many attractive people in the US, man. I would definitely be having a little more fun than that.

5 days of low contact is not a lost cause. You're blowing things way out of proportion. Be honest, open up to him about why you were distant, and ask him for reassurance. If he's there, jackpot. If he's not, time to start remembering what it feels like to be alone in the world and work on your issues, so that you can always feel healthy -- that's what's going to attract good relationships in the future.
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