Anyone have advice for me??

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Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby jamesdulay1986 » 23 November 2017, 06:27

I have been with my partner for 10 years. For the first 2 years, it was long distance. He fooled around with a couple guys he met off craigslist. He eventually moved in with me. For the past 8 years, he has been caught on and off on gay hook-up apps (scruff, grindr, etc). and has exchanged nudes/inappropriate messages with guys. Every year we encounter this problem and he says he's going to "change." I've always stuck around. This happened again and I've decided to move out. This is the first time that he feels like he is going to "lose" me.

I've never seen him this remorseful and he claims he will change- even making attempts to get therapy, cut out people who can tempt him, etc.

If you were me, would you still try to work things out? Care to share advice? Be brutally honest too, I can take it. haha.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby verveine » 26 November 2017, 02:30

I think that theres a fine line between just being in the apps and truly doing stuff. For me personally there is no problem for my partner to have accounts. It is extremely important if something happened that he tell me, that way I can manage the situation and take whatever option I decide. I always say TRUST is the most important thing that a couple can have. Is better to know that start making stories in ones mind.
It have been 8 years of this... I truly don't think he is going to change. For worst he will continue to do it more secretly. Confront him, tell him to be open about he being on the apps. If not, he is doomed to repeat it.
For you, if he do not change leave, if you decide to stay and he doesn't change it will drain you. It will turn toxic if is not already.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Derek » 26 November 2017, 03:11

I can't say whether you should leave him, but you should never expect someone to be able to change. Most people who do compulsive shit like that can't.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Weeman1 » 28 November 2017, 04:04

Do you think he would stay away from it all now that he knows if he doesn't stop he will lose you?
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Addams1313 » 28 November 2017, 05:40

the first time he did it I would have dumped his ass. I don't know why you put up with it. as far as now I would not move back in, give it some time and see how he acts. if he really wants you he will try to change but he will not change if you take him back to soon
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby draco448 » 28 November 2017, 10:16

If he keeps doing it and you told him it hurts your feelings he obviously isn't caring enough, which, after such a long time, is not really a good sign.
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PostThis post was deleted by René on 10 February 2018, 20:46.
Reason: Inappropriate and deviant comments

Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Sherri » 9 February 2018, 11:31

He's not going to change. It might be, like Derek said, that he can't, but whether he can't or won't, it doesn't matter. You've done this same old song and dance for 10 years. For 10 years you've said one thing (that you won't tolerate it) and done another (stayed and tolerated it). He knows how to manipulate you and push your buttons. He may love you, he may care about you, but neither of those outweigh his desire to do what he wants even knowing it'll crush you. He will say whatever it takes to get you to stay, but what will he DO? Exactly what his track record of 10 years shows -- he'll lie. He'll go behind your back. His pleasures will be more important than your pain. As soon as he has you complacent again, he'll do whatever he wants.

In relationships where one partner has cheated, that person has to be willing to be treated like they aren't worthy of trust for a long time. Their SO must always have their passwords, access to their phone at any given time, etc. and often not even that is enough to reconcile it because the fact is that there is always a way around that. Maybe the cheater gets a burner phone and uses wifi to access the apps. Maybe they start hooking up with people they've met in real life, thus circumventing needing the phone for an affair. Whatever it takes, they'll do it. Is it worth all of the work and effort to try and fix it, knowing that time and time again he's proven he can't be trusted to fix things after he knew they were hurting you? I don't see how it ever could be, but that decision is yours.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby PopTart » 10 February 2018, 10:02

Derek wrote:I can't say whether you should leave him, but you should never expect someone to be able to change. Most people who do compulsive shit like that can't.

Or even want to.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby ScottP » 12 February 2018, 15:08

Sherri wrote:He's not going to change. It might be, like Derek said, that he can't, but whether he can't or won't, it doesn't matter. You've done this same old song and dance for 10 years. For 10 years you've said one thing (that you won't tolerate it) and done another (stayed and tolerated it). He knows how to manipulate you and push your buttons. He may love you, he may care about you, but neither of those outweigh his desire to do what he wants even knowing it'll crush you. He will say whatever it takes to get you to stay, but what will he DO? Exactly what his track record of 10 years shows -- he'll lie. He'll go behind your back. His pleasures will be more important than your pain. As soon as he has you complacent again, he'll do whatever he wants.

In relationships where one partner has cheated, that person has to be willing to be treated like they aren't worthy of trust for a long time. Their SO must always have their passwords, access to their phone at any given time, etc. and often not even that is enough to reconcile it because the fact is that there is always a way around that. Maybe the cheater gets a burner phone and uses wifi to access the apps. Maybe they start hooking up with people they've met in real life, thus circumventing needing the phone for an affair. Whatever it takes, they'll do it. Is it worth all of the work and effort to try and fix it, knowing that time and time again he's proven he can't be trusted to fix things after he knew they were hurting you? I don't see how it ever could be, but that decision is yours.


This is excellent. I 100% agree with all of this. If he's done it for 10 years, he'll do it for another 10...you just might not know about it. How willing are you to have an open relationship? Because it sounds like he is treating this like a one-sided open relationship.

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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby jamesdulay1986 » 21 January 2019, 19:03

Fast forward from when I posted this a year and 2 months ago to now.....

I moved out a week after. We broke up. I was an emotional wreck for about a month but started to realize my self-worth.

He, on the other hand, was a wreck for so much longer (still kind of is). We kept in touch and I know he's dated 3 guys separately for a short term while hooking up quite often. When I jokingly called him out about him changing his ways, he responded with "Well, we're not together anymore... so I don't see why I have to change." I take that as proof that he wouldn't have changed because he would've changed for whomever he was dating of starting to form a relationship with.

I'm actually quite content with my life. Things have been looking up. Ending our relationship was a smart and healthy choice. Thanks for the advice, everyone!
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Brenden » 21 January 2019, 19:12

Wow, thanks for the update! (So rare to get updates about advice the community’s given.)

Good to hear it’s worked out for you and you feel you’ve made the right choice.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby PopTart » 21 January 2019, 19:27

Indeed, well done!.

It can be so hard, right? But doing what you have, as you said, has proven that he wasn't changing, for you or anyone else and you've demonstrated to yourself, that you do deserve better. Making that choice, I admire that.

I'm pleased for you, that you have found a greater sense of your own self worth.
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Re: Anyone have advice for me??

Unread postby Eryx » 21 January 2019, 20:02

Great to know!
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