When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

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When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Mergpijp » 13 February 2019, 10:21

Hi,

As the subject says it already; when is the time to tell my girlfriend/crush that I'm dating that I'm biseksual? Is this something that you tell her on the first date or is this something that you tell her when there is already a relationship?

Thanks!

Rob
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby ajakes124 » 13 February 2019, 11:19

umm it depends what you expect out of this relationship. if you genuinely believe you are committed to her and won't see other men, then I wouldn't mention it. it sucks but I find with both guys and girls if you say you're bi they will ghost you. however, if you think you both would be open to an open relationship or smth, then why not?
personally, it's a choice I would make at the beginning, before you are too far along to get really hurt. you can decide later on to tell her, but she will end up getting hurt, either ending the relationship or maybe she will get past it, but she nevertheless will be hurt by the revelation.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 13 February 2019, 11:23

Straight away. Day one. It is not like it is something shameful that you have to hide. It is who you are. If she can not deal with it, you stop dating that person. Better for both parties.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Reyes » 13 February 2019, 11:30

ajakes124 wrote:I find with both guys and girls if you say you're bi they will ghost you. however, if you think you both would be open to an open relationship or smth, then why not?


This, its unfortunate however it's still the case a lot of the time. Personally I wouldn't mention it on the first date, however I would definitely mention it within the first few weeks, even if you feel as though it won't be a problem. I just personally feel like being open/transparent with your partner about your sexuality makes it easier for communication in the future. Start as you mean to go on kind of thing.

If she does take it badly then it's her loss. View it as 'why would I want to be with someone who has a problem with people being bisexual?', as opposed to 'I should never have told her as it would have never been a problem'.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Eryx » 13 February 2019, 12:33

I'm torn between the two opinions. I wouldn't ghost a guy for being bisexual, and personally when I'm in a relationship I still like pointing out cute guys to who I'm staying with as just an activity, so I wouldn't consider it fair for him to need to abstain from that when he sees attractive women.

That said, a lot of people would prefer to simply not know, as being jealous about just one gender can already be difficult at times. Really don't know :s
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 13 February 2019, 13:09

Eryx wrote:That said, a lot of people would prefer to simply not know, as being jealous about just one gender can already be difficult at times. Really don't know :s

When they do not know and it comes out later, they will be forever angry because they feel you kept something from them and you didn not trust them to be able to handle with it. They did not have a choice in it and a break up is usually the result.
If they are jealous, the do not understand and they are not a good partner anyway.

If you are frank from the beinning and someone does not want you because of it, that is only good, because that is exactly the person that would be angry with you if they find out later....

With the person who does not mind, and there are plenty of those, there is a way better chance to build a good relationship.

If we keep treating it as you need to be careful to break it to someone as if it is something different and horrible , bi sexuality will never be accepted as normal.
It is not something weird, it is not something to be ashamed of and definitely not something people need to hide. It is just a sexual orientation.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Eryx » 13 February 2019, 16:01

I suppose you're right. Finding out later through a third-party or by chance would probably only make any existing feeling of jealousy worse.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 13 February 2019, 17:00

Also, since he is in the Netherlands, I do not think many shy away from bisexuals anyway, unless they are very religious. I lived in the Netherlands in my childhood. It is quite an openminded country, although in it you find people from cultures that are opposed to LGBT people. So it depends on in which scenes you are in, but I guess Rob knows which people are less openminded.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 13 February 2019, 20:14

Mergpijp wrote:Hi,

As the subject says it already; when is the time to tell my girlfriend/crush that I'm dating that I'm biseksual? Is this something that you tell her on the first date or is this something that you tell her when there is already a relationship?

Thanks!

Rob


Unless you want to table it totally then IMO you need to disclose it. Certainly by the time you're starting to know each other better and certainly before other activities which any partner should have the right to know about. Otherwise it becomes a lie rather than something you didn't yet disclose. Be prepared to have an open and honest conversation to include about where you are currently both and how your see things moving forward.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 14 February 2019, 12:48

Eryx wrote:That said, a lot of people would prefer to simply not know, as being jealous about just one gender can already be difficult at times. Really don't know :s

It isn’t really jealousy that I get from these women but rather a genuine disgust that their man is, in their eyes, emasculated. I know Derek has said in the past that because men tend to be visual and often pursue romantic interests based on the appearance of a woman or a man, that we’re all assholes in our own way but I’ve seen the former as being more legitimized and excused in society. It’s also more common.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 14 February 2019, 13:03

poolerboy0077 wrote:It isn’t really jealousy that I get from these women but rather a genuine disgust that their man is, in their eyes, emasculated.


There are various reasons why people do not like their partner being bi sexual.
Another one is the fear of infidelity because there is such a big pool to fish from and they are no competition for one part of it.
As if bisexuals can not be faithful, and as if they would be if only they were straight.
The not being able to be as good as the competition is what makes them insecure, and angry when it comes to a break up. They feel they did not stand a chance.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 14 February 2019, 13:06

I’ve come across this but I feel this is a mere rationalization they use to provide a pretext to end the relationship. I don’t get from them as this being the real motivating factor.
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 14 February 2019, 13:24

I can not change how you see things. But you have to realize it is your personal take on the matter from your personal experience and interpretation.
It can be true, but it does not mean it is true for all cases and everybody.
The way you bring it, goes together with a feeling that anything other than a straight man is inferior. Where does that come from?
That could be felt by some men and women but is not the case for everybody.
Not everybody thinks that if you have sex with other men, you are not a true man. Actually, this is a feeling that lives more in men than in women if you ask me. Reason why there are so many closeted angry men.
But I might be wrong. I am not a woman. And I have no problem with bisexual people. I have to go by what studies and women tell me.

I find it a good subject to explore.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby SweetBoy2312 » 14 February 2019, 16:11

There was a girl at my former workplace who I felt very attracted to. She's engaged but she found out I like her. She was in a different department and I did not see her often. So it would just end up in smiles when we pass each other...but if she was single and I had asked her out I would tell her about my sexuality right away. Because I would want to know what she thinks about it. Only because I seriously liked her...and would want everything out in the open. But if I had a girlfriend who I did not have strong feelings for..I don't think I'd bother to tell her. It all depends on the situation I guess.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Eryx » 14 February 2019, 18:16

poolerboy0077 wrote:It isn’t really jealousy that I get from these women but rather a genuine disgust that their man is, in their eyes, emasculated. I know Derek has said in the past that because men tend to be visual and often pursue romantic interests based on the appearance of a woman or a man, that we’re all assholes in our own way but I’ve seen the former as being more legitimized and excused in society. It’s also more common.
I didn't think of it that way, but you're right that there are women with that mentality. I was thinking more on the lines of women who would maybe find that even enticing, but would feel insecure about their boyfriend being interested in another guy eventually.
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 14 February 2019, 18:51

Brasileiro wrote:I can not change how you see things. But you have to realize it is your personal take on the matter from your personal experience and interpretation.
It can be true, but it does not mean it is true for all cases and everybody.
The way you bring it, goes together with a feeling that anything other than a straight man is inferior. Where does that come from?
That could be felt by some men and women but is not the case for everybody.
Not everybody thinks that if you have sex with other men, you are not a true man. Actually, this is a feeling that lives more in men than in women if you ask me. Reason why there are so many closeted angry men.
But I might be wrong. I am not a woman. And I have no problem with bisexual people. I have to go by what studies and women tell me.

I find it a good subject to explore.

I don’t get why people find this line of reasoning persuasive. No one here is making any absolutist claims. What I’m saying is that of the women who don’t like bisexuals, it tends to be for the reasons I’ve stated. I do think that the majority have a negative opinion about a prospective male partner being bi. It doesn’t come from any peer reviewed data but the few forums, reddit threads and magazine polls I’ve encountered, like this one:

Glamour wrote:63% of women, however, say they wouldn't date a man who has had sex with another man
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: When is the time to tell my girlfriend that I'm biseksual?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 14 February 2019, 20:47

It is a given that a lot of people do not like to date bisexuals. I do not argue that at all.
It is not a given that it is always because, as you say it : "genuine disgust that their man is, in their eyes, emasculated." That is what my post is about. It is also the only reason you give. Or maybe I missed the others.

I am not trying to persuade anybody. I am just sharing my own view on this. Which is that there can be a number of reasons why people do not want to date a bisexual person, not just the one you give. (And that I think it should be clear from day one in dating that one is bisexual)

Threads are made up by different views from different angles by different people and anybody can take away from it what they find of value for them. It is not about being right or wrong.
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