Am I Gay? Need Advice.

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Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 15 June 2018, 21:40

I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love". The max I have slept with someone is 3 times. I don't think its because I suck at keeping relationships (many of my friends I've had for years) but I can't join friendship with sex. A handful have become friends but then we don't have sex (and I wouldn't want to again). Most I like just end up leaving the country (a lot of tourists I seem to fall for) but I can't help that either. I did start "later than usual" (around 23 yo, but no regrets) and I'm 28yo now.

> One of my friend thinks I may be a "closet straight" but I really don't drool over women like I do men.
> My other friend thinks I may be "acoustic asexual" (meaning you have sex with either gender, but don't feel romantic/in love), and while the signs are there that this may be true, that will suck so much if true. I want to "love" I just don't.
> My other friend says I'm in the wrong country (when I travel to the US for work, the guys are not only easier to sleep with but seem to want more with me, but in London it's like ok bye, maybe I am just more interesting there).

I have seen a sexual therapist, which turned out to be useless (advice was "keep banging, it will happen when it does") but this doesn't satisfy me at all. Can you please help me?

Some things about me which may/may not help:

1. Sexually, I am always top. Never crosses my mind to bottom and I have had/have no desire to bottom. From all the men I have slept with I have only ever sucked 3 - the first guy, one guy who just wanted to exchange BJ's but ended up sucking me way more vs the other way around, and a bodybuilder type guy who actually turned out to be straight / married just because he was a bit too big to top and we had nothing else to do. I am worried this "limited" pleasure from my side won't really get me far in a "gay" relationship either way. :/

2. I have never slept with a woman. I have a pussy fleshlight at home which I bang if something on Grindr doesn't pan out. I just like to "top" (whether that's in someones mouth, the FL or an ass). I have seen women I would bang if I could but they are typically "hookers" or taken.

3. I've never had bad / scarring sexual interactions. My first time was amazing with a super hot guy that I still would drool over. 99% of the Grindr shags were fun, of course there were a couple of weirdo's but I said no and it was all good. I have a nice job and life otherwise so I don't get why I can't just have a bf relationship like everyone else.

Please feel free to ask any questions!
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby IanSaidHi » 15 June 2018, 22:00

Hi, thanks for sharing. I’ve pulled out two things:
lostinspace94 wrote:I can't join friendship with sex.


...but have you tried joining sex with friendship? From what you say it sounds like you’re expecting sex with all these guys to turn into love. Now don’t get me wrong, I know a lot of people have one nighters or hookups that then end up turning into a relationship. But a lot of people also start off getting to know someone, going on a date and then if all goes well, sex will follow as part of a developing relationship.. Are you going on dates with people? You want a relationship but what is it you want from a relationship? Is it someone to spend time doing things with? Is it someone you want to share hobbies with? Or just someone to have sex with? What is it that you are looking to get out of a relationship, and what do you think will be the best way to meet a guy that will fulfil that need.

I don't get why I can't just have a bf relationship like everyone else.

This... I know you probably don’t mean it how it sounds but welcome to the club. Lots of people are in relationships, but lots of us aren’t as well. You aren’t alone.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 16 June 2018, 06:02

Thanks for the reply.

If I have sex with them and we end up chatting and clicking I typically am their friend now, they fly away, so the ‘more sex’ isn’t really an option. I’ve also lost interest sexually at this point as I’ve moved on in that department but still like them as a person. As for the other way around (friend first then sex), this never happened, I can’t think of any of my friends sexually.

I don’t expect all one nighters ending up in a relationship or love or anything. What is weird is *none* have resulted in anything more. What is more weird is the 3 time limit. I don’t even mean a relationship as in a bf relationship but also a fb relationship or even just a dinner out. It is literally like these guys vanish. Or there is something wrong with me and no one is telling me. :/ Idk if/when I have been in love, I guess everything has lasted too short to feel that way, but until I get someone to last longer (and actually meet more in person, whatsapp conversations have a limited shelf life) it’s tough.

My friend actually said the same thing you did (one I slept with, who became a friend and now we are just friends). He said no relationship comes out of Grindr which is how we met... but I know so many guys who meet their bf on the app so I’m not sure it’s true at all. If both sides click I don’t think the medium matters.

No I am not going on dates with people for 3 reasons:
1. I am not sure I am gay (I probably am) and don’t want to hurt someone / lead someone on until I am sure.
2. I have tried these dating sites etc it’s all chat chat chat never meet. At least with Grindr within the hour someone is sitting on me lol. Other than apps idk how to find guys also - drinking/clubbing isn’t my thing and tbh I tried it a few times and what you find on Grindr is much better in general. Also I find it easier to connect with a guy in particular if I have topped him because then I know what I am getting / mentally know if it’s worth spending more time with him / if there is a connection both ways. Chatting is ‘cheap’ (to me, because I can probably chat and get along with most people) so in the end the sex really does matter to me. So why not cut to the chase...
3. My life is genuinely quite full eg I have good friends to chat with, good relationships with my family, I study and work, I enjoy my job etc. So the only thing I can’t do myself is have sex myself (wanking doesn’t count) so that is the only ‘gap’ I see someone fill. I’m not ‘in need’ of companionship but sure someone regular to bang and also chat sigh is definitely nice (had this a couple of times and they slept over it was better than the one off hookups). That said, going back to #1, I bang seriously hot guys and to not be able to bang them because I’m with someone will suck. I’m not a slut I just don’t feel ‘committed’ enough to someone (although I really would like to be if possible but no one has both turned me on this much and been available - there have been guys I would totally give up any other guy for but they are typically taken).

Not trying to sound like a big head here but what I really don’t get is I am basically your ‘Instagram poster boy’. Fit in looks (and an above average sized tool I have been told), decent well paying job in the city, decent personality (make and keep friends relatively quickly, easy to get long with and a level head I’ve been told), not some drugee crazy person with childhood traumas, educated to a high level with decent world awareness, not a picky prick with food etc. I’m a ‘catch’ yet ‘all alone’. Idk how to be a more competitive ‘gay’ lol. Btw I don’t want a bf because I think everyone has one. I just find it bizarre that this many shags and years later I’m basically in the same position I was in before ... another 5 years of this won’t be good hence posting to see if I need to do something differently here.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby GearFetTwinkRomance » 16 June 2018, 16:49

lostinspace94 wrote:Not trying to sound like a big head here but what I really don’t get is I am basically your ‘Instagram poster boy’. Fit in looks (and an above average sized tool I have been told), decent well paying job in the city, decent personality (make and keep friends relatively quickly, easy to get long with and a level head I’ve been told), not some drugee crazy person with childhood traumas, educated to a high level with decent world awareness, not a picky prick with food etc. I’m a ‘catch’ yet ‘all alone’. Idk how to be a more competitive ‘gay’ lol. Btw I don’t want a bf because I think everyone has one. I just find it bizarre that this many shags and years later I’m basically in the same position I was in before ... another 5 years of this won’t be good hence posting to see if I need to do something differently here.


Just read it all, and reading the quoted, I thought, maybe the dudes all think, or know, you're sort of out of reach, like an alpha leader type, or this would seem so.

The first thought I had was, you're just an a-romantic person. Bit like Jason Stackhouse in "True Blood" :D That, what your friend calls an 'acoustic sexual'. Might be something like emotionally shallow? More of a sex based person. I don't mean it in an offensive way, some people just aren't that deep as others. Short term attraction, a possible opposite to demi sexual, so the guys light your fire, but it's burnt off pretty quick, or something.
Wee bit bisexual, if you can feel attracted by some women, even if you never had the chance to go for it.
( I call it a gift, since I can't. )

Some negative things would be like 'incapable' of love and lasting romantic attraction, relationship incapable, that like. But I don't see, why you should fit that box, it could be, you just never have met the dude that has the proper receptors or traits / horizon of mind.
If you were sapio-sexual, for example. The dude had to 'smell' like crispy neurons to make you fly.

I hope, the shag collectors lifestyle didn't make you used-in to that kind of bed sports. I don't even know if that can happen at all, I just heard / read of so many gay guys that go from guy to guy to another guy and over again, like it was a race to get all the best sex or something. And some do that all their life. People into this often don't have lasting relationships, and I think it's just a variation of how people can live their life. No big deal, and people who don't dig them, call 'em shallow.

Maybe you're hitting on dudes, who are into the shag run, more than those that are looking out for relationships. Could also be an attraction problem - maybe.
Well, and the guys that are aware of their own attraction flaws, don't even dare to dream about talking to you, most likely. The love fraction might move on another plane, so to say. So the range of guy choice could be significantly low, or so. If you're a bit special on the alpha lane, it can be as tough as it's on the omega lane.

regards from omega Prime. :)
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 16 June 2018, 21:55

I have had a couple of guys say ‘you are out of my league’ to me directly, but they also never meet me, not have sex with me then say something like this. I don’t follow that logic also - I never make someone feel less or down (although some of my friends do say I unconsciously make them feel like shit sometimes but I’m not purposely doing it) but I’m definitely not bragging about myself. The thing is if something isn’t working in my life I fix it, not whine, so then most things are good in my life. I don’t get why I shouldn’t enjoy it.

I could be emotionally shallow, sure. Not sure what to do about this though if they are not coming back...

I definitely don’t go on Grindr ‘for numbers’. There have been some weeks I have not found anyone nice and then I just don’t have sex. I don’t just sleep with anyone, I need to like them still. That said, the handful of guys who reached out to me first and I agreed to meet (almost all of them I rejected or made excuses but then said oh what the heck why not) I ended up liking and sleeping with again. Everyone I have chosen usually is a one nighter. Maybe I just don’t know how to choose properly lol. Most of those guys actually have chat, dates, relationship selected also, it’s not like I filter for the NSA ones only, this is why it’s super odd nothing progresses further.

If attraction or league was a problem then why sit on me in the first place anyway? I don’t get it.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 19 June 2018, 15:51

lostinspace94 wrote:... My first time was amazing with a super hot guy that I still would drool over. 99% of the Grindr shags were fun, of course there were a couple of weirdo's but I said no and it was all good...


IMO, you are GAF. So be comfortable with yourself. Warning, warning, warning - there are some nice guys out there. Invest the time and effort and snag yourself one.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 21 June 2018, 12:49

What is GAF? Do you mean gay?
Where are these nice guys?
Actually there was a super nice guy I met in NYC, we banged pretty much all night, then he moved to Michigan, he even messaged after saying "you were wonderful", I would totally date him but alas... I also flew back. :(
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PostThis post was deleted by Brenden on 22 June 2018, 18:56.
Reason: soliciting email contact and "all sex pics" >.<

Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 27 June 2018, 19:30

Bump
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby ceez » 29 June 2018, 02:08

I was thinking maybe you could be closeted hetero :P you sound like the exact opposite of a friend I had, he could get any woman he wanted and slept around a lot then one day he came out of the closet and moved to another state. other than that it really sounds like you don't want or are not ready for a committed long term relationship if sex is really the only thing you're looking for. are the guys you wanted to be with also very successful? maybe you're looking for another challenge :confused: idk sorry but I'm not really good at dating advice and I'm all out of alcohol.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 29 June 2018, 12:19

ceez wrote:I was thinking maybe you could be closeted hetero :P you sound like the exact opposite of a friend I had, he could get any woman he wanted and slept around a lot then one day he came out of the closet and moved to another state. other than that it really sounds like you don't want or are not ready for a committed long term relationship if sex is really the only thing you're looking for. are the guys you wanted to be with also very successful? maybe you're looking for another challenge :confused: idk sorry but I'm not really good at dating advice and I'm all out of alcohol.


To be honest, I have been thinking this also.
I brought a vagina fleshlight (which I still use when I can't find someone to get laid with), never an ass or cock, which is strange. Even in my teens, I made a vagina out of a rubber glove and banged that imagining a "faceless" woman not a guy. But when wanking, always a guy, and guy porn. But I do see more straight porn now that I think about it (but never lesbian porn) lol.
I will be honest and say I have also considered getting a female escort just to try the other state and see what happens but then I overthink which one and then never go for it.
It is bizzare.
I think I sleep with guys for the following reasons 1) they are 'easy' i.e. you just go on Grindr, and there you go 2) overall men are hotter i.e. a lot more fit ones, ones that work out, face is nicer etc 3) generally i find them nicer in their personality / they lack bitchiness in a good way / i click with them as a friend quicker / they don't create a scene over sex 4) there is an orgasm issue I have ... with men you can "see" it but women fake and stuff and that is really weird for me 5) I really hate and do not want kids ever, and being with a woman makes that difficult.
I think I need more friends vs relationship tbh. I am lonely at work and live alone so when someone even talks to me properly I "like" them. As for successful, its not really how I filter, I have banged pretty much all types of guys - club dancers to high end bankers/lawyers. Its not their job that turns me on lol.
I have never "loved" though (i.e. if someone dropped off the earth tomorrow, apart from my family, I would be fine). Some level of "challenge" needs to be there in order for us to become friends otherwise it is just another one night stand.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 29 June 2018, 16:11

lostinspace94 wrote:What is GAF? Do you mean gay?
Where are these nice guys?
Actually there was a super nice guy I met in NYC, we banged pretty much all night, then he moved to Michigan, he even messaged after saying "you were wonderful", I would totally date him but alas... I also flew back. :(



GAF = Gay as fuck. Because one of the things you say - "I really don't drool over women like I do men". While maybe if you have some attraction to the other gender then you may be bi. Why question it as much as explore it and find out. Finding out more about yourself and others at the same time is part of it.

Where are these nice guys: Well by the time you narrow it down: a) gay, b) doesn't hit any of your turn offs, c) hits some of your turn ons, preferences, top vs bottom, ... yeah depending on how picky you are your down to what 1:500. Then add that you have competition for that 1:500. Not meant to be negative as much as realistic. Your going to have to work for it if you want it!

Happy hunting. The chase is often times way better than the catch.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby DoctorWho » 1 July 2018, 11:32

There are a few things I would ask but cannot be asked in open forum for privacy issues and other concerns.
You can message me or e-mail me and there is always VOIP too.
I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through as I have seen the clinical manifestations before.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 1 July 2018, 16:00

DoctorWho wrote:There are a few things I would ask but cannot be asked in open forum for privacy issues and other concerns.
You can message me or e-mail me and there is always VOIP too.
I have a pretty good idea of what you are going through as I have seen the clinical manifestations before.


PM'd. Curious what your thoughts are.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 1 July 2018, 16:35

lostinspace94 wrote:I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love".

In other words, you’re a gay guy.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 1 July 2018, 19:17

poolerboy0077 wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love".

In other words, you’re a gay guy.


Can you expand? (btw I have no issues with this label, just trying to understand haha)
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 19 September 2021, 13:06

This continues to be an issue. Welcome all advice here.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby Peter123777 » 20 September 2021, 15:17

lostinspace94 wrote:I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love". The max I have slept with someone is 3 times. I don't think its because I suck at keeping relationships (many of my friends I've had for years) but I can't join friendship with sex. A handful have become friends but then we don't have sex (and I wouldn't want to again). Most I like just end up leaving the country (a lot of tourists I seem to fall for) but I can't help that either. I did start "later than usual" (around 23 yo, but no regrets) and I'm 28yo now.

> One of my friend thinks I may be a "closet straight" but I really don't drool over women like I do men.
> My other friend thinks I may be "acoustic asexual" (meaning you have sex with either gender, but don't feel romantic/in love), and while the signs are there that this may be true, that will suck so much if true. I want to "love" I just don't.
> My other friend says I'm in the wrong country (when I travel to the US for work, the guys are not only easier to sleep with but seem to want more with me, but in London it's like ok bye, maybe I am just more interesting there).

I have seen a sexual therapist, which turned out to be useless (advice was "keep banging, it will happen when it does") but this doesn't satisfy me at all. Can you please help me?

Some things about me which may/may not help:

1. Sexually, I am always top. Never crosses my mind to bottom and I have had/have no desire to bottom. From all the men I have slept with I have only ever sucked 3 - the first guy, one guy who just wanted to exchange BJ's but ended up sucking me way more vs the other way around, and a bodybuilder type guy who actually turned out to be straight / married just because he was a bit too big to top and we had nothing else to do. I am worried this "limited" pleasure from my side won't really get me far in a "gay" relationship either way. :/

2. I have never slept with a woman. I have a pussy fleshlight at home which I bang if something on Grindr doesn't pan out. I just like to "top" (whether that's in someones mouth, the FL or an ass). I have seen women I would bang if I could but they are typically "hookers" or taken.

3. I've never had bad / scarring sexual interactions. My first time was amazing with a super hot guy that I still would drool over. 99% of the Grindr shags were fun, of course there were a couple of weirdo's but I said no and it was all good. I have a nice job and life otherwise so I don't get why I can't just have a bf relationship like everyone else.

Please feel free to ask any questions!


I have a somewhat similar problem. I don't see myself ever get bottomed and never been attracted to guys romantically or see a potential for that. I do find some guys attractive physically and some girls also. I do see myself having a romantic relationship with a girl, though never had one yet... Have slept a couple of times with girls and had a few sexual interactions with guys too. enjoys both experiences, though had erectile problems with girls, as I get very anxious around girls I find attractive.
Do you see yourself having a romantic relationship with a girl you find attractive?
Have you had any sexual interaction with girls? like petting etc?
From what you've written you've never had sex with girls, intuitively though, would you enjoy more to be top with girls than with guys?
Do you consider yourself as a highly masculine man? or more inclined to the feminine side of the spectrum?

Man, this is some hard things, we like to think of sex and romantic relationships in black and white, but it's often very complex, variable over time etc.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 20 September 2021, 17:38

Peter123777 wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love". The max I have slept with someone is 3 times. I don't think its because I suck at keeping relationships (many of my friends I've had for years) but I can't join friendship with sex. A handful have become friends but then we don't have sex (and I wouldn't want to again). Most I like just end up leaving the country (a lot of tourists I seem to fall for) but I can't help that either. I did start "later than usual" (around 23 yo, but no regrets) and I'm 28yo now.

> One of my friend thinks I may be a "closet straight" but I really don't drool over women like I do men.
> My other friend thinks I may be "acoustic asexual" (meaning you have sex with either gender, but don't feel romantic/in love), and while the signs are there that this may be true, that will suck so much if true. I want to "love" I just don't.
> My other friend says I'm in the wrong country (when I travel to the US for work, the guys are not only easier to sleep with but seem to want more with me, but in London it's like ok bye, maybe I am just more interesting there).

I have seen a sexual therapist, which turned out to be useless (advice was "keep banging, it will happen when it does") but this doesn't satisfy me at all. Can you please help me?

Some things about me which may/may not help:

1. Sexually, I am always top. Never crosses my mind to bottom and I have had/have no desire to bottom. From all the men I have slept with I have only ever sucked 3 - the first guy, one guy who just wanted to exchange BJ's but ended up sucking me way more vs the other way around, and a bodybuilder type guy who actually turned out to be straight / married just because he was a bit too big to top and we had nothing else to do. I am worried this "limited" pleasure from my side won't really get me far in a "gay" relationship either way. :/

2. I have never slept with a woman. I have a pussy fleshlight at home which I bang if something on Grindr doesn't pan out. I just like to "top" (whether that's in someones mouth, the FL or an ass). I have seen women I would bang if I could but they are typically "hookers" or taken.

3. I've never had bad / scarring sexual interactions. My first time was amazing with a super hot guy that I still would drool over. 99% of the Grindr shags were fun, of course there were a couple of weirdo's but I said no and it was all good. I have a nice job and life otherwise so I don't get why I can't just have a bf relationship like everyone else.

Please feel free to ask any questions!


I have a somewhat similar problem. I don't see myself ever get bottomed and never been attracted to guys romantically or see a potential for that. I do find some guys attractive physically and some girls also. I do see myself having a romantic relationship with a girl, though never had one yet... Have slept a couple of times with girls and had a few sexual interactions with guys too. enjoys both experiences, though had erectile problems with girls, as I get very anxious around girls I find attractive.
Do you see yourself having a romantic relationship with a girl you find attractive?
Have you had any sexual interaction with girls? like petting etc?
From what you've written you've never had sex with girls, intuitively though, would you enjoy more to be top with girls than with guys?
Do you consider yourself as a highly masculine man? or more inclined to the feminine side of the spectrum?

Man, this is some hard things, we like to think of sex and romantic relationships in black and white, but it's often very complex, variable over time etc.


I have had dreams about sleeping with women but its very "physical" in the sense of "banging" them vs "making love"
I do watch straight porn more and have a vagina Fleshlight I bang (more comfortable than ass Fleshlight). But no I never banged any women. Most are not fit lol and the fit ones are escorts lol.
I don't know about romantic relationships ... like ... I've not even been on a date to know.
I consider myself normal masculine. I can't imagine bottoming (nothing wrong with it, just can't see myself do it, even for the hottest man in the world) hence don't. I don't even suck dicks tbh like once maybe every 3-4 years if I really really have the urge too and that too for like 5 mins max.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby pozboro » 20 September 2021, 20:52

Peter123777 wrote:Man, this is some hard things, we like to think of sex and romantic relationships in black and white, but it's often very complex, variable over time etc.


You bet! And don't worry, sexuality isn't black or white but for many it's about all the shades of grey in between.
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Joined: 4 June 2021, 20:43
Location: Oregon USA

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