Am I Gay? Need Advice.

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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 22 September 2021, 11:28

Not trying to label myself... just would be helpful to actually meet someone I actually like and want 'more' with (as per my other thread). Whatever the gender.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby Peter123777 » 24 September 2021, 10:48

lostinspace94 wrote:
Peter123777 wrote:
lostinspace94 wrote:I've slept around *a lot* and never had a bf (or gf) or felt "in love". The max I have slept with someone is 3 times. I don't think its because I suck at keeping relationships (many of my friends I've had for years) but I can't join friendship with sex. A handful have become friends but then we don't have sex (and I wouldn't want to again). Most I like just end up leaving the country (a lot of tourists I seem to fall for) but I can't help that either. I did start "later than usual" (around 23 yo, but no regrets) and I'm 28yo now.

> One of my friend thinks I may be a "closet straight" but I really don't drool over women like I do men.
> My other friend thinks I may be "acoustic asexual" (meaning you have sex with either gender, but don't feel romantic/in love), and while the signs are there that this may be true, that will suck so much if true. I want to "love" I just don't.
> My other friend says I'm in the wrong country (when I travel to the US for work, the guys are not only easier to sleep with but seem to want more with me, but in London it's like ok bye, maybe I am just more interesting there).

I have seen a sexual therapist, which turned out to be useless (advice was "keep banging, it will happen when it does") but this doesn't satisfy me at all. Can you please help me?

Some things about me which may/may not help:

1. Sexually, I am always top. Never crosses my mind to bottom and I have had/have no desire to bottom. From all the men I have slept with I have only ever sucked 3 - the first guy, one guy who just wanted to exchange BJ's but ended up sucking me way more vs the other way around, and a bodybuilder type guy who actually turned out to be straight / married just because he was a bit too big to top and we had nothing else to do. I am worried this "limited" pleasure from my side won't really get me far in a "gay" relationship either way. :/

2. I have never slept with a woman. I have a pussy fleshlight at home which I bang if something on Grindr doesn't pan out. I just like to "top" (whether that's in someones mouth, the FL or an ass). I have seen women I would bang if I could but they are typically "hookers" or taken.

3. I've never had bad / scarring sexual interactions. My first time was amazing with a super hot guy that I still would drool over. 99% of the Grindr shags were fun, of course there were a couple of weirdo's but I said no and it was all good. I have a nice job and life otherwise so I don't get why I can't just have a bf relationship like everyone else.

Please feel free to ask any questions!


I have a somewhat similar problem. I don't see myself ever get bottomed and never been attracted to guys romantically or see a potential for that. I do find some guys attractive physically and some girls also. I do see myself having a romantic relationship with a girl, though never had one yet... Have slept a couple of times with girls and had a few sexual interactions with guys too. enjoys both experiences, though had erectile problems with girls, as I get very anxious around girls I find attractive.
Do you see yourself having a romantic relationship with a girl you find attractive?
Have you had any sexual interaction with girls? like petting etc?
From what you've written you've never had sex with girls, intuitively though, would you enjoy more to be top with girls than with guys?
Do you consider yourself as a highly masculine man? or more inclined to the feminine side of the spectrum?

Man, this is some hard things, we like to think of sex and romantic relationships in black and white, but it's often very complex, variable over time etc.


I have had dreams about sleeping with women but its very "physical" in the sense of "banging" them vs "making love"
I do watch straight porn more and have a vagina Fleshlight I bang (more comfortable than ass Fleshlight). But no I never banged any women. Most are not fit lol and the fit ones are escorts lol.
I don't know about romantic relationships ... like ... I've not even been on a date to know.
I consider myself normal masculine. I can't imagine bottoming (nothing wrong with it, just can't see myself do it, even for the hottest man in the world) hence don't. I don't even suck dicks tbh like once maybe every 3-4 years if I really really have the urge too and that too for like 5 mins max.


Man to me it sounds like you're a bisexual. You enjoy banging the vagina flashlight, you only into toping and never into being bottomed, you've had many heterosexual dreams though aggressive and lack of romantic association to it, you like to watch straight porn.
All that sounds like you could enjoy heterosexual relationships too and it's worth trying.
To a degree, it sucks to have a bisexual orientation because it's confusing and you kinda don't know what to do/choose, but that's how things sometimes. I can definitely relate. Sexuality is just like that.
What sort of heterosexual porn categories you're into the most?
and not sure what you've meant, do you prefer watching straight porn over gay porn?
In the heterosexual dreams you've had, do you remember enjoying the experience, like physically?
"Most are not fit lol and the fit ones are escorts lol" - What you mean by that? do you feel insecure to "hit" on girls you find attractive? I know I do, but did try and continue to try anyway, it’s the same with any fear, you do it anyway despite the fear.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 24 September 2021, 12:53

I did consider hiring an escort and 'trying' a female. But then never go through with it. Not sure why.
Hetero porn is usually vanilla i.e. 1:1, sometimes a groupie for fun (more males than females). I'm usually into the missionary and 'more intimate' banging than just slamming them all around but I'll take what I can get. The guy needs to be "hot" in the video, the woman needs to be "fit enough" (i.e. not a chubby lass) otherwise I won't watch it.
I don't prefer any porn over the other. Its all just porn to me. I also rarely watch porn anyway as I get real action when I need it or can use my imagination and get off.
In the dreams / when I am awake and imagining, its more the 'banging' part I'm interested in vs her boobs or his cock or anything. Its me penetrating or being sucked/looked after through a massage and BJ etc that gets me off. I've never really imagined a woman's face when banging her, but there are many hot guys I would readily smooch the hell out of (although, their face also still doesn't come in my fantasies).
So 'fit' doesn't mean 6 pack FYI. I think its a cultural thing. A lot of British women are just obese. The ones that look after themselves (men and women) are usually from abroad.
I don't "hit on women" because I've never found someone I liked to be able to hit on them. I usually have the same issue with men, though, I have walked past a few hotties over time.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby Peter123777 » 25 September 2021, 17:17

lostinspace94 wrote:I did consider hiring an escort and 'trying' a female. But then never go through with it. Not sure why.
Hetero porn is usually vanilla i.e. 1:1, sometimes a groupie for fun (more males than females). I'm usually into the missionary and 'more intimate' banging than just slamming them all around but I'll take what I can get. The guy needs to be "hot" in the video, the woman needs to be "fit enough" (i.e. not a chubby lass) otherwise I won't watch it.
I don't prefer any porn over the other. Its all just porn to me. I also rarely watch porn anyway as I get real action when I need it or can use my imagination and get off.
In the dreams / when I am awake and imagining, its more the 'banging' part I'm interested in vs her boobs or his cock or anything. Its me penetrating or being sucked/looked after through a massage and BJ etc that gets me off. I've never really imagined a woman's face when banging her, but there are many hot guys I would readily smooch the hell out of (although, their face also still doesn't come in my fantasies).
So 'fit' doesn't mean 6 pack FYI. I think its a cultural thing. A lot of British women are just obese. The ones that look after themselves (men and women) are usually from abroad.
I don't "hit on women" because I've never found someone I liked to be able to hit on them. I usually have the same issue with men, though, I have walked past a few hotties over time.


I see, I've never been with an escort too, for me it feels morally wrong and kinda weird to fuck someone you don't know at all.
It's sounds you're pretty into hetero porn, vanilla porn is kinky haha, I've stopped to watch porn though for over 7 months.
Porn is manipulating our minds and conditioning us to be turned on from only hot girls and guys, I totally get what you've written. I also couldn't watch porn, unless the girl was pretty hot and the guy had a large cock. It's kinda fucked up, that's why I've stopped watching to stop that distorted conditioning. No wonder that many guys today have impotence problems in real life sex.
It's that bad there in England haha? 😅 sign up for a dating app or something and find there some hot girl.
Anyway, to me it's sounds like you're a bisexual - you like hetero porn, you have hetero dreams (and gay ones too), you like to be the active one, i.e., to be topping and being orally pleasured. Try being with girls, whether with an escort, through a dating app, maybe sign up for a gym/yoga class, as you've said you look for the fit ones. If it bothers you, that’s mean you should try and find out.
When you imagine yourself having a partner, which you hold hands with in the street, pet with them etc, is it easier and more natural for you to imagine having a girlfriend or a boyfriend? what feels "more right/accurate" for you?
Did you make out with a girl in the past? If so, how did it felt? Where you turned on by the experience?
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 26 September 2021, 09:24

I also couldn't watch porn, unless the girl was pretty hot and the guy had a large cock -- I don't have any strict requirements per say but the guy need to be sexy (gay or straight porn), cock doesn't matter, then only I will watch it. Though, I do 'stick' to a few guys and watch their porn more than just 'whatever is on'.

When you imagine yourself having a partner, which you hold hands with in the street, pet with them etc, is it easier and more natural for you to imagine having a girlfriend or a boyfriend? what feels "more right/accurate" for you? -- I find it hard to imagine this at all because its never happened. And I really have tried but I just can't.

Did you make out with a girl in the past? If so, how did it felt? Where you turned on by the experience? -- I have never been with a woman in any way.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby Peter123777 » 27 September 2021, 20:51

lostinspace94 wrote:I also couldn't watch porn, unless the girl was pretty hot and the guy had a large cock -- I don't have any strict requirements per say but the guy need to be sexy (gay or straight porn), cock doesn't matter, then only I will watch it. Though, I do 'stick' to a few guys and watch their porn more than just 'whatever is on'.

When you imagine yourself having a partner, which you hold hands with in the street, pet with them etc, is it easier and more natural for you to imagine having a girlfriend or a boyfriend? what feels "more right/accurate" for you? -- I find it hard to imagine this at all because its never happened. And I really have tried but I just can't.

Did you make out with a girl in the past? If so, how did it felt? Where you turned on by the experience? -- I have never been with a woman in any way.


I see that's a shame, you should definitely get out of the "comfort zone", grab some courage and hit some girls to try out that direction.
You might end up enjoying the experience very much. Definitely worth the effort.
Are you a friendly person in general? or tend more to seclude yourself from others?
Do you have profound and meaningful with friends and family members like siblings, cousins etc?

I think it's like with any area in our lives, we get "more fit" the more we try and persevere. I'm currently interesting to sell on Amazon FBA (Private Label) and so I watch lots of youtubers making money there through various pathways. But, to be honest I'm scared as shit to invest money and lose it and in general I've never been in selling jobs in my life (I'm 29) and not sure I'm "build for it". But I know that if I continue to educate myself about the opportunities there and the steps required for realizing profit and eventually of course, I'll take action on that, I know it's possible for me to make there money also. So do you should try out dating girls and/or date guys for a long time and see what it's like, how it feels, whether you develop romantic/deep feelings for them etc. Only real experience can supply that knowledge for you, no other way around it.
Maybe compromise *a bit* (I know it's hard, for me also) on beauty (both guys and girls) if needed. Do what’s necessary to get that experience of long-term dating on your repertoire. It’ll strengthen your confidence, boost your courage in general and move you forward in the direction of self-fulfillment.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 30 September 2021, 13:19

But you have to "want" to hit on the women... and I've not honestly met anyone I want.
I am generally friendly and nice.
Yes, I have a great relationship with my family, and have long term friends (10+ years) so keeping something going is never the issue.

I don't have a specific type i.e. must have a 6 pack. I'm quite flexible. The issue is if they are vanishing after 1-2 meets, and don't date me / only have sex with me, nothing more can even happen and the "feelings" go away fast. I have friends who are male and female for years and I don't feel anything sexual for either.

I agree that I need some long term dating etc but it is not happening for me (hence my other thread).
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby Peter123777 » 4 October 2021, 16:20

Maybe you have limiting beliefs relating to relationships such as "relationship are full of fighting and quarrels", "In a relationship, each side try to manipulate the other partner and get what he/she wants egoistically", "Love doesn't really exist, it's just interests (sexual, financial, social etc) drawing 2 people to get into a romantic relationship", "relationships takes your freedom and independency completely and it's prison like" etc.
obviously, having negative beliefs (subconsciously) such as the above or similar ones is detrimental or to the very least, highly interfering in getting into a long-term romantic relationship (either with a man or a woman).

Do you have negative and/or limiting beliefs such as the above or similar ones?

I know I have some version of a few of these negative beliefs myself, and for sure it's delaying and interfering me to get into a long-term romantic relationship.
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Re: Am I Gay? Need Advice.

Unread postby lostinspace94 » 4 October 2021, 18:44

It is hard to have a negative belief when I've not been in one.
Even my gay friend who left, I was annoyed with him specifically, doesn't mean I don't have / make new friends. He just sucked. lol
So no, I don't think I have limiting beliefs.
Also, it wouldn't explain why no one meets me for a date (vs hookup).
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