Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

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Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Wiwko » 28 February 2020, 06:41

Hi,

I am a 30yo “male”. In my whole life I tried to live as a normal man. But now I cannot suppress my feelings anymore. I feel that I have to write openly about all my feelings, thoughts and the different aspects of my life. I really need your opinion about my situation.

I know that probably is too late for me to become to a passable woman (when I do my make up I do not like the result, because I look like just a transvestite, and not a nice one). But I cannot live anymore as a man. Nobody knows my secret. From outside I am a ” successful and handsome guy“. But I dream about a totally different life.

In the last 6 months my life changed a lot because I moved to a different city where I am alone. And it was also a turning point for me that I turned to 30yo. I thought a lot about my life and my future. I know that the transition takes a lot of effort and time in such age, but I already know that I have to do this.

Now I know almost nothing about how to “transform” to a woman. Cosmetics, make up, hair, fashion are all new for me. This is also true for the fashion. I tried to be masculine in my whole life and did not take attention for feminine things. But nowadays I am really interested in everything regarding beauty care. I think if I immerse myself in this world I have a chance to be as feminine as possible (I also think about that I should attend to beauty school).
I think I need a professional support to be as feminine as possible without wasting more time. It would be great that this professional was also a transgender herself. I want to find my female version with her.

Hormones after 30.
Do the hormones work after 30 year? I heard that orchiectomy is also a good option. I have heard the maybe both option is the best in such age.

Relationships and sexuality
I had few girlfriends in my life, but to be honest I felt that they were like friends for me.
I am virgin. I tried to have sex with a woman last year (first time), but I felt no sexual feelings and my penis didn’t not got hard. We tried it few times, but nothing happened. After that I tried to question my sexuality. I was too afraid to try with a man, but I bought a dildo few months ago. I love to use it. It really strengthened my feminine side and showed me what I have to do to get sexual feelings. I crave to ride this dildo few times a week and more and more think about with guys.
To be honest I never imagined that I have sex with a woman. Since my childhood I only imagined myself in a submissive position.
I think I have to write about my masturbation also.
My penis does not bother me. To be honest when I masturbate I think that my penis is a guy’s penis and not mine. Nowadays I feel that I should try with real penis.
I can suck my penis. My body is really flexible thanks to the lot of trainings since my childhood. Sometimes I suck my own cock. I really like it and nowadays I also feel that craving for to suck.
After masturbation I almost everytime feel shame and I do not like myself (how could I do that? I am sick?). I tried to not masturbate for a month. I felt more and more feminine and I thought more and more about guys. In the last few months I try to only masturbate with dildo without jerking. I can reach orgasm with touching myself and what was really strange for me that I feel no shame after masturbation. So I tried to focus in such masturbation. It helps me to connect with my feminine side.
(I am really afraid of first sex with a guy. What if I do not like it? What if that all my masturbation with the dildo and selfsucking are only fetish? But I think that is more likely that I will love with real thing. Moreover I am a 30yo virgin and I think this is also not normal.)

I do not feel that I am gay. I feel that first I have to be a woman. I only can imagine myself with a guy if I look like and live as a woman. In the last few months I think a lot about guys. I feel that if I start a new life now maybe I have a chance look to like a woman and find a guy. I think I also suppressed my feelings toward guys..

Fetish or Transsexualism
Earlier I thought that this is normal for a teenager, but now I am 30yo. Then I thought that this is just a fetish. But in more and more field of my life I feel that probably I would be happier as a woman. What would you ask me regarding this? I think I tried to convince myself that “this is just a fetish”, because in that way I does not need to face with the real deal...

The advantages of late transition
What do you think what are the advantages? I always try to see the good things and it would also help me.

I have written all my thoughts. Maybe too openly. But I think I had to do this, to help to solve my situation.

Vivien
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 07:47

You'll probably need to speak with a good psychologist or therapist experienced in these matters to figure things out. It's easy to jump on something like this and feel like it answers all your questions and if you just do this one thing (transition) your life is going to be fantastic, but it may not be that simple. It's important to keep an open mind and realise that the answer and solution may be something very different. It being a fetish of some kind is one possibility.

I recommend reading about the case of James Shupe, notable for being the first legally recognised "non-binary" person in the United States. This interview, for example, is enlightening:

What The First Nonbinary American Wants The Supreme Court To Know About Transgenderism
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 15:40

Having read your post one more time, I also get the feeling that there is some powerful internalised homophobia and repressed homosexuality going on here, as well as a misperception that enjoying certain things and being submissive is something that should be associated with being female and is sort of "not OK" for you as long as you are a guy.

There are a lot of warning signs here that make me think transitioning could be something you'll end up massively regretting and that what you need to be working on in order to be happy is self-acceptance and loving yourself the way you are. :) :hug:
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 28 February 2020, 15:57

I wish you luck figuring it all out, and I'd encourage you to seek out trans communities who can offer you their perspective. Not that I'm telling you to go away, but as far as I know there are no trans members here, or members who are otherwise qualified to give you good advice.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 16:18

Derek wrote:I wish you luck figuring it all out, and I'd encourage you to seek out trans communities who can offer you their perspective.

Then again, it's worth noting that that perspective may be very pro-transitioning — I hear it is common for people in such communities to give others (often children) who think they're trans advice about how to obtain unprescribed hormones from overseas pharmacies through the internet to take without any kind of medical assessment or supervision. They may not be the best places to get an unbiased expert opinion. This really calls for a mental-health professional specialised in this area and some critical thinking.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 28 February 2020, 16:26

René wrote:This really calls for a mental-health professional specialised in this area and some critical thinking.

I agree. Seeing as we here lack expertise, personal experience, and maybe even goodwill, I'd encourage the OP to continue seeking answers from people who have at least two out of three.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 17:09

Derek wrote:I wish you luck figuring it all out, and I'd encourage you to seek out trans communities who can offer you their perspective.

Would you agree such communities should include ones of people for whom the whole transitioning thing didn't work out so well and who ended up "detransitioning"?

Like r/detrans.

There are some gripping stories on there like this one and this one (well worth reading IMO), about experiences I definitely wouldn't wish on our friend here.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 28 February 2020, 17:26

Sure, but I'd also recommend communities like r/ traaaaaaannnnnnnnnns or r/LGBT.

There are people who are happy with their decision to transition and people who are not, and both deserve consideration. I don't think your attempt to center one of those groups is helpful, appropriate, or given in good faith.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 18:19

You wound me, Derek.

The only reasons I centered on one of those groups are:

  • You're going to get the pro-transitioning perspective everywhere (even from many medical professionals, who feel pressured into it for fear of being labeled transphobic and losing their jobs...), and this person has clearly already been thoroughly exposed to it based on the post, which is heavily focused on transitioning as a positive thing.
    It's the other perspective that many people may never hear of because even discussing it often gets called "transphobic" and places like r/detrans get labeled as "hate groups" (and sometimes people don't hear of it until it's too late and they've made irreversible changes to their bodies that they end up regretting, possibly resulting in suicide like in one of the posts I linked to above).
  • I didn't make up the warning signs I see in the post.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 28 February 2020, 19:51

One narrative is dominant over the other because it has an overwhelming majority who identify with it. Take the number of subscribers to those subreddits as an example.

Transitioning may be a mistake for some, it may be wrong to offer hormone therapy to children, dysphoria may be overdiagnosed - but unless I'm mistaken, your opinion is that trans identities are invalid and transitioning is always the wrong action to take. I don't believe you take the perspective of trans people seriously, and that makes your concern disingenuous.

Please correct me if I'm wrong. I would prefer to be wrong.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 28 February 2020, 21:31

This is actually covered by a post I just made in another thread, which I will reproduce here:
René wrote:[W]hat saddens me is that things like this happen:

Just read some of those heartbreaking stories!

My primary beef with the trans community is that, by and large, they silence, censor, banish and ostracise people who have experiences like this (as also reported in a fair few of them), suddenly denying them the emotional support they'd grown accustomed to receiving when they were conforming to the ideology, and a lot of people suffer even more as a result, and some end up taking their own lives. I find this cruelty and lack of compassion baffling and deeply immoral.

I'm not saying trans identities are by definition invalid or that transitioning is wrong for everyone who goes through it. But clearly it's not right for all of them, and clinicians feel they can't express this¸, properly explore it or properly assess gender-dysphoric kids because they'll be labeled transphobic. I think this is a terrible state of affairs and amounts to gross malpractice in many cases.

I also believe there is an element of (often internalised) homophobia at work, with transitioning very often serving as a kind of conversion therapy. This is manifest in the fact that kids who show gender dysphoria often grow up to turn out not trans but gay, that it's the Islamic Republic of Iran's state policy for making gay people go away, and that even in western, non-Islamic countries, you see way more people who are attracted to members of their biological birth sex transitioning, with the result that they can consider themselves straight (such as this member who posted here), rather than the other way around.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 28 February 2020, 22:26

Given that we're all capable of acknowledging ambiguity and admitting the best course of action varies from person to person, and given that none of us are medical experts or have personal experience with gender dysphoria, how do you know if cautioning someone against transitioning is the right thing to do? Why err on that side, or on any side at all?
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Brenden » 29 February 2020, 02:35

“First, do no harm.” Transitioning is a radical process that results in irreparable harm to and irreversible alteration of the natural body. Why wouldn’t a rational, ethical person recommend the more conservative psychological treatment as preferable (at least at first)?

It is not ethical to direct someone in need of psychological treatment to “communities” which are ideological bubbles pushing people to the most extreme possible “treatment” of their disorder.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 29 February 2020, 02:53

If only everyone experiencing gender dysphoria would listen to you instead of all the other people who have experienced gender dysphoria.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Brenden » 29 February 2020, 02:58

If only they would listen to the 60-80% who naturally desist instead of the groupthink ones who transition and then have suicide rates 20 times higher than the general population and other psychiatric morbidities 2-5 times higher.

Or, better, if only they would talk to psychologists and psychiatrists (and not the rubber-stamp ones).

Honestly, it’s like you're advocating drug addicts to seek advice from drug users rather than drug-addiction specialists!
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby René » 29 February 2020, 15:11

Derek wrote:If only everyone experiencing gender dysphoria would listen to you instead of all the other people who have experienced gender dysphoria.

The problem I mentioned earlier is that a lot of people who have experienced gender dysphoria aren't heard because trans communities censor them. Try mentioning in one of those communities that not everyone who transitions is happy with the outcome and lives happily ever after and some actually end up detransitioning or even committing suicide. Many trans people tried reporting such experiences in trans communities, only to have their posts deleted and get banned instantly. I think that's cruel. Don't you, Derek?

Do people experiencing gender dysphoria not deserve to hear the other side of the issue so that they can have as much information as possible and make an informed decision?
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 29 February 2020, 15:39

What significant percentage of regrets from sex reassignment surgery is there? And if you’ll admit it’s exceedingly low but push the idea that the scientific community has been compromised by political correctness, doesn’t that make it a bit unfalsifiable?

Regardless, the thing you haven’t touched upon is the unwarranted hostility to trans members. Is that supposed to be part of the strategy to get them to see both sides?
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 29 February 2020, 16:51

René wrote:The problem I mentioned earlier is that a lot of people who have experienced gender dysphoria aren't heard because trans communities censor them. Try mentioning in one of those communities that not everyone who transitions is happy with the outcome and lives happily ever after and some actually end up detransitioning or even committing suicide. Many trans people tried reporting such experiences in trans communities, only to have their posts deleted and get banned instantly. I think that's cruel. Don't you, Derek?

Do people experiencing gender dysphoria not deserve to hear the other side of the issue so that they can have as much information as possible and make an informed decision?

I don't believe that

    1. You and Brenden know what trans communities are actually like,
    2. All trans communities are the same,
    3. You and Brenden are in any way qualified to speak on what trans people experience and what treatment they should pursue, or
    4. That this entire argument isn't motivated by your personal feelings of dislike and disgust for trans and gender-nonconforming people. Maybe you deserve the benefit of the doubt René, but Brenden does not, and my instinct is that your feelings align more closely to his than you let on.

I don't want to change your mind about trans people. But like pooler said, I don't think the unwarranted hostility we've seen lately is acceptable, and I think it was inappropriate of you to give the OP the advice you gave.
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 29 February 2020, 17:40

And I want you to walk back all your comments about the sinophobia coronavirus virtue-signaling, given that you’re not an expert and downplaying its risk as mere racism is irresponsible. What? You thought you could get away with your sjw cuckoldry?
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Re: Am I trans + gay? Is it fetish or suppressed feminine side?

Unread postby Derek » 29 February 2020, 17:43

Fine. I apologize to the coronavirus and anyone in the coronavirus community who felt trivialized by my comments, and I promise to do better.
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