Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

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Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby 8675309 » 20 July 2020, 02:43

Hi! I'm a cisgender bisexual (?) woman in my late twenties. I'm only out to a handful of close friends, and they all came out as teens, so they don't understand what it is to still be "in the closet" as an adult.

I want to know if it's normal to have second thoughts about your identity/sexuality/label. It took me a long time to realize I liked girls as well as boys (who i've always thought I "should like"). I don't have an "a-ha" moment, rather a collection of millions of "could I be bi?" moments stacked on top of each other until they finally hit "yes."

Sometimes I wonder if I'm into men at all (there's been one prior relationship: serious, but no sex). Sometimes I wonder if I really like girls, or if it's just that all my friends are gay (how am I supposed to really know, for sure, if I've never actually been with a woman?). Sometimes I wonder if I'm ace because I think I could definitely fall in love with anyone but sometimes I'm just not that into heavy make outs or sex. Am I fake?

I already feel a weird distance among my friends as the person who was "straight for the longest" and I don't want to be called a liar or be accused of coming out to fit in if I express these feelings (I know it's ridiculous, but it's a fear I have). I just need to know if these are normal feelings LGBT people experience. Help? Please? Thank you.
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Re: Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby Derek » 20 July 2020, 02:48

Personally, I haven't questioned any part of my identity since around the time I was 13. Boners are pretty unambiguous. But my mom is gay and she didn't even realize it until she was in her 30s.
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Re: Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby Sullivan » 20 July 2020, 02:54

Derek wrote:Personally, I haven't questioned any part of my identity since around the time I was 13.

What about the neoliberal shill part?

OP: I think you just need to throw on a North Face, find a gal to scissor, and see if it feels right.
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Re: Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 20 July 2020, 03:21

Derek wrote:Personally, I haven't questioned any part of my identity since around the time I was 13. Boners are pretty unambiguous. But my mom is gay and she didn't even realize it until she was in her 30s.

Yeah but women are different. They seem to spend a lot of time criticizing men for not being able to sexually please them properly but don’t even know how to turn themselves on or how their body works.
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby biguy87 » 20 July 2020, 09:07

Sexuality is a very complicated thing. There is a whole scale between completely straight and completely gay. We're all in different places along that scale, and it's entirely possible that we might change over the years.

There are a lot of people who claim to be an expert on all of this, and who knows, maybe they are. What no one can claim to be an expert on is anyone else's sexuality and identity, although there are many who will try to attach labels to other people.

Some people are very lucky, they seem to work out who/what they are very early in life and are very comfortable with it from a young age. Some people can spend years, decades even trying to figure it out. It's perfectly normal to ask all of the questions you're asking, and it's very difficult for anyone else to provide you with answers. All you can do is be true to yourself, trust your instincts, and not worry too much about what others think. If you think you might like something, try it. Step out of your comfort zone a little bit but be honest with anyone you're trying stuff with and if it becomes too much, stop. It can be hard to find people to trust to do these things with but in the era of the internet and dating/hookup apps it's easier than ever before.

If you decide you don't want to do anything with anyone else, that's fine too. Just be you, and if your friends are true friends they'll stand by you.
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Re: Are second thoughts about your identity normal?

Unread postby Jasper1 » 24 July 2020, 22:18

One non sexual serious relationship with a man? Is there a reason why it did not lead to sex? Have you got close to a woman?

When you’re walking down the road and see a hot guy or woman, which one makes your heart skip a beat?

Maybe you are asexual, maybe you simply have not developed that part of yourself yet. Don’t put pressure on yourself. Life can be difficult as there’s a tendency to put people into boxes. Parents and friends put pressure on us at an early age to decide what box you should fit into by asking those leading questions ‘have you got a boyfriend, or that guy is hot’ so we can sometimes find ourselves conforming to social roles.

Think you need to not let these thoughts control you. You’ll know when you meet the person that makes you blush. :)
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