Ashamed about wanting to be used

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Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 13:57

I have a weird problem.
Despite having been for a long time and coming from a super supportive background I'm still struggling with accepting my sexuality.
I am not sure if it even has anything to do with being gay or if I would feel the same way if I were straight. I have no issue telling people I'm gay and if they have an issue with that it's their problem, not mine.
My issue is the sex itself. Obviously there's no reason to openly tell people about my sex life but I think people usually assume I'm this sort of innocent person who only does clean vanilla stuff.
It took me years to "allow" myself to be penetrated, despite fantasizing about it constantly.

First time was with a friend last year and it was a lot better than I had expected the first time to be.
Second time was with another "friend" but it kind of sucked bc he showed zero caution and basically just tried to push his cock into me. It was bad but at the same time it turned me on once we managed to make it work with lots of lube bc even though he wasn't good and it was painful I got off at being used like that.
Third time was with my first friend again. Was good.
Fourth time was hooking up with a stranger. It wasn't exciting but ok. The fact that I let a stranger use me was more satisfying than the actual sex.
Fifth (and last) time was amazing bc that guy really wanted me and it was fun to tease him before I allowed him to fuck me.

I'm sure if it weren't for the current lockdown I would go for a lot more casual hookups. So maybe it's good having an outside factor that keeps me from doing it.

My issue is that I'm mostly fantasising about hooking up with strangers, about playing innocent and teasing someone before I allow him to take me somewhere and bend me over, breeding my ass senseless with his balls slapping against my skin and me moaning like a little bitch before his thick cock explodes inside of me.

Even just writing this down makes me feel ashamed but at the same time so goddamn horny.

I know there isn't really anything unusual or shameful about my fantasies, they're probably actually rather lowkey.

Then why can't I accept them and just have fun? Why does it make me feel so bad to want to experience this?
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 17 February 2021, 14:54

There is certainly no shame in the kink/desire/fantasy itself.

But uh, I sure hope you're being relatively safe... I don't really get the impression you are / have been, though!

That would be a major issue for me and a reason not to act out these fantasies (and to feel bad if I somehow ended up doing that regardless) - exposing myself to scary diseases, including ones that can bypass condoms and can't be cured and can cause cancer and many other problems and be spread even when people show no symptoms, possibly to guys I love or will love in the future... even though I can see the appeal.

(Which is why I went for a committed relationship and now get my needs met in slightly different ways, safely within my relationship with my husband and our boyfriend. :))
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 15:34

René wrote:There is certainly no shame in the kink/desire/fantasy itself.

But uh, I sure hope you're being relatively safe... I don't really get the impression you are / have been, though!

That would be a major issue for me and a reason not to act out these fantasies (and to feel bad if I somehow ended up doing that regardless) - exposing myself to scary diseases, including ones that can bypass condoms and can't be cured and can cause cancer and many other problems and be spread even when people show no symptoms, possibly to guys I love or will love in the future... even though I can see the appeal.

(Which is why I went for a committed relationship and now get my needs met in slightly different ways, safely within my relationship with my husband and our boyfriend. :))


Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.
I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 17 February 2021, 17:33

ghostspaces wrote:Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.

Haha, sorry! Have you at least got tested for various STIs since then?

ghostspaces wrote:I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

At least 18 strains of HPV (spread through skin contact as well as oral/anal sex, with risk increased by, but not dependent on, douching and not using condoms) are known to be associated with developing cancer, including throat/neck/oral cancer, penile cancer, anal cancer, cervical cancer in women, lung cancer, skin cancer...
Infections and resulting cancers are becoming more prevalent and not always symptomatic or recognisable initially. It's scary stuff.

ghostspaces wrote:I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.

:hug:
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 19:23

René wrote:
ghostspaces wrote:Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.

Haha, sorry! Have you at least got tested for various STIs since then?

ghostspaces wrote:I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

At least 18 strains of HPV (spread through skin contact as well as oral/anal sex, with risk increased by, but not dependent on, douching and not using condoms) are known to be associated with developing cancer, including throat/neck/oral cancer, penile cancer, anal cancer, cervical cancer in women, lung cancer, skin cancer...
Infections and resulting cancers are becoming more prevalent and not always symptomatic or recognisable initially. It's scary stuff.

ghostspaces wrote:I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.

:hug:


Nah I've never gotten tested for anything... yeah I know I should.

That kind of makes it worse. Knowing that I'm so obsessed with having my physical needs met that I don't even care about the risks. Makes it even more shameful tbh.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Eos » 17 February 2021, 20:46

I don't see why you feel ashamed honestly.
You like to lose control. That's it.
Many people are like you.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 21:19

Eos wrote:I don't see why you feel ashamed honestly.
You like to lose control. That's it.
Many people are like you.


Maube bc i'm usually very in control. Or at least make others believe i am. Basically being a slave to my own sexual fantasies doesn't sit well with my self image.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Eos » 18 February 2021, 07:09

I am a bit like you. I like to control a lot of things around my life. But this is why, I am so looking forward to lose control. Finding a partner that allows me to stop overthinking.
Also, having a different behavior in such an intimate moment is not surprising.
What I advise you is to acknowledge and accept what you like. Life will be much better.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 18 February 2021, 13:11

ghostspaces wrote:Nah I've never gotten tested for anything... yeah I know I should.

You should know it's unlikely you caught anything serious from the few times you've had sex so far, including HIV. But in the unlikely event that you did catch HIV, it would be very important to know, because there are very good treatments available which might save your life and stop you passing the virus on to anyone else in the future. (Again, unlikely, though.)

Most likely, getting tested will just give you peace of mind. :keke:
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Severelius » 18 February 2021, 13:49

There is very little to be ashamed about in adopting the "I'm just a hole sir" approach to sex, as long as you're careful about it.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Twilight66 » 26 February 2021, 05:47

Intellectually, I guess I felt ashamed at the beginning of my sexual activities, as I am a very masculine and powerful person that enjoys being in control. But now my shame has been replaced by real excitement at playing this role when I'm with a guy. If I enjoy it, and I do it safely, I feel no guilt of any kind afterward.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 27 February 2021, 22:56

See, I wish I could be that adventurous when it comes to sex.

But nope, I'm as fucking vanilla as they come. I'm into the most boring damn sex ever. BDSM is not sexually satisfying to me, and the less pain the better, at least for me. I'm not against a guy topping me, because there's something about that act that's appealing to me. But the worse it comes to pain is slapping my ass. That's honestly about as far as I go.

Here's the even more weird part. I like to fuck an actual dude. I like hearing guy sounds during sex, cause sissy sounds turn me off. And, when it comes to sex I'm a total guy too. I make guy grunts and noises. But, as to what happens during sex, it's like I'm some chick. I want a guy to tell me he loves me, I want a guy to tell me that he'll always be there for me, I want a guy to want to be with me and only me. Like, that makes me horny as fuck.

And you wanna know the reason why I like my sex that way? So, since I am an aspiring Therapist/Motivational Speaker/ Public Speaker, I've figured out why I like to bring down my guard during sex. It's because, I've kind of always felt like, and to some degree still feel, that I am constantly in survivor mode. I feel like I have to constantly stand my ground, that I have to constantly defend my ass, even though I probably don't need to. So, when I have sex, I don't want to be in another situation where I feel like I'm butting heads with someone. I want someone who will kiss me passionately. I want someone to fuck me passionately. I want someone to basically worship me, but not obsessively. Just whisper compliments in my ear, or tell me how handsome I look tonight. I want actual relationship sex, but with a Man and not a sissy.

I dunno, I guess I just need to be loved. To be held and comforted. I need it to be as vanilla as all possible.

I want to be treated like a guy treats another guy, but in a romantic sense. I want bromance, but not thugmance.......if that makes sense.....

So, feel good about what turns you on. Most guys love that shit!
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby CrownedClown » 4 March 2021, 14:16

Don't be. It's less unusual than you'd think.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 7 March 2021, 12:49

Raynethemagi wrote:See, I wish I could be that adventurous when it comes to sex.

But nope, I'm as fucking vanilla as they come. I'm into the most boring damn sex ever. BDSM is not sexually satisfying to me, and the less pain the better, at least for me. I'm not against a guy topping me, because there's something about that act that's appealing to me. But the worse it comes to pain is slapping my ass. That's honestly about as far as I go.

Here's the even more weird part. I like to fuck an actual dude. I like hearing guy sounds during sex, cause sissy sounds turn me off. And, when it comes to sex I'm a total guy too. I make guy grunts and noises. But, as to what happens during sex, it's like I'm some chick. I want a guy to tell me he loves me, I want a guy to tell me that he'll always be there for me, I want a guy to want to be with me and only me. Like, that makes me horny as fuck.

And you wanna know the reason why I like my sex that way? So, since I am an aspiring Therapist/Motivational Speaker/ Public Speaker, I've figured out why I like to bring down my guard during sex. It's because, I've kind of always felt like, and to some degree still feel, that I am constantly in survivor mode. I feel like I have to constantly stand my ground, that I have to constantly defend my ass, even though I probably don't need to. So, when I have sex, I don't want to be in another situation where I feel like I'm butting heads with someone. I want someone who will kiss me passionately. I want someone to fuck me passionately. I want someone to basically worship me, but not obsessively. Just whisper compliments in my ear, or tell me how handsome I look tonight. I want actual relationship sex, but with a Man and not a sissy.

I dunno, I guess I just need to be loved. To be held and comforted. I need it to be as vanilla as all possible.

I want to be treated like a guy treats another guy, but in a romantic sense. I want bromance, but not thugmance.......if that makes sense.....

So, feel good about what turns you on. Most guys love that shit!



I'm practically twice your age (61). Still I don't understand why you would consider boring or non-adventurous. I also don't understand why you would think it weird that you like sex with a "man" and not someone one else with a penis where one of you acts feminine. I also don't see why you think it is acting like a chick to want the person who you are having sex with telling you during the act how much he loves you.

Note, I have been in my relationship for 17+ years. We are a monagoumous couple (meaning only sex with each other -- not a board game). (Granted I'm a lousy partner now that I have ED == probably do to diabetes, heart issues, etc. The Blue pills don't work anymore -- long story.)

I have always had a weak spot for hairy, muscular, manly men. I recall that way back when I was 4.5 years of age. I could get turned on by seeing hairy forearms when guys where short sleves, or legs when wearing shorts. I could get turned on by seeing tuffs of hair exposed when a guy has his shirt open a bit. I could even get turned on with long sleeves, if some hair is showing at his wrists and/or hands. It is not an absolute, as I have been with guys that are not so hairy, but then their muscles, manerisms, etc would have to be attractive to me. I also love a handsome face, but realize that what I consider handsome may not be the same as what someone else feels. It was never attracted to boys even when I was a boy. It was men that I was attracted to.

Emotionally, I think my attraction to men was supercharged because I saw men as people who were absent (ie died younger than expected), or cruel as in the case of my dad who I was forced to live with from the ages of 11 to 14.5.) I felt "satisfied" with relationships with women in that it seemed when an adult woman accepted you as family, the bond was immediately established and kept. Where as with men it always seemed fleeting or someting you had to keep "earning". Thus the longing to have a man who would love you through thick and thin no matter what. That always seemed elusive to me for so long. So as driving as I am physically to the male form, it was so much more intense to yearn for that lasting love from another male.

Sexually, I yearned to be inside another man. I wished there was someting like a male womb. That is the closest I have to bending gender. I wish I could literally breed another man. Not to feminize him, but to create a life with him that would last beyond our life time. Someone who might visit our graves generations after we are gone. Also part of that was wishing I myself could desolve into another man. Not to stop existing, but to calm my wrestless spirit and perhaps gain some of another man's calmness. I tend to be rather high strung at times.

So I am a top. It is so much my nature. It isn't about being more male or less "gay", but to simply become "one" by being inside another guy. Yes, orgasms while being inside another guy top any other sensations in intensity than anything else I have experienced in my lifetime. However, the most important part of it to me was also that "connection". I always wished I had been really hung, and could sleep "connected" as the connection means as much -- if not more than the actual journey towards orgasm. I always found it somewhat of a let down if the "after orgasm" was simply about going one's seperate ways. I always wanted to cuddle and talk if the guy was up to it. I also loved smelling my seed down there as if the connection wasn't completely over.

Anyway, I'm not tring to titilate, but simply be honest of just how my emotions are wrapped up in my sexuality even at my age.

You can find what you are looking for with another man, but it takes time to do so. I do have some guilt at times -- not over religion but my strong importance on wishing ever man could have kids if he so wanted to. I had no choice. I found out I was Extremely infertile in my 20's -- no injury, no mumps, or anything such. It is just the way things are for me. Many times I struggle with the fact that if presented a beautiful view of a hairy man's ass and balls. My own need to get off would make me dwell on his hole. Yet I have to appreciate that all his mucular traits -- body hair, muscles, build, deep voice are due to the testostrone produced his balls. Furthermore, that nature designed males that way also to produce sperm so that their genes get passed on. I'm very fortunate that my guy was married and had children before we met. (He had been divorced years before we met.) Had my partner been fertile, but never married, part of me would have always felt like I held him back. Granted I know that having children doesn't guarantee that their lives are great, but at least it is a possibility. So yes, I have guilt that if possilbe, I would want to make love and be inside another handsome man might mean that I have condemned him to a life of no offspring. (Thank God, some gays do surragacy so that their genes do go on.)

Finally, I think it is interesting that you mention butting heads. I sometimes think about that when I think of my farm animals. I have no desire to be a female - nor make my partner to be a female. I say that knowing that the idea of being a buck (male goat-- I raise angora goats, alpacas, birds), just gives me a headache thinking of all those horn batting times they do to get access to females.) Where as the females do create life and establish families -- sometimes the off-spring familial ties are noticed years after they reach adulthood. I would rather be part of a family, than just a lonely old buck butting heads hoping to get sex a few times a year.

PS: Being in a 17+ year relationship doesn't mean candle light dinners every night. However, the fact that he is the last person I see every night when I lay my head in bed, and the first person I see when I rise in the morning is so wonderful. To loose him would be like waking up to find that the sun is no longer there. That is what consistant love is like, and it has been the salvation to what always troubled me. I too always though about relationships more than anything else. However, once I had him, I was able to think past that as that part of my life has been wonderfully fulfilled.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Raynethemagi » 8 March 2021, 04:06

NobodySpecial wrote:
Raynethemagi wrote:See, I wish I could be that adventurous when it comes to sex.

But nope, I'm as fucking vanilla as they come. I'm into the most boring damn sex ever. BDSM is not sexually satisfying to me, and the less pain the better, at least for me. I'm not against a guy topping me, because there's something about that act that's appealing to me. But the worse it comes to pain is slapping my ass. That's honestly about as far as I go.

Here's the even more weird part. I like to fuck an actual dude. I like hearing guy sounds during sex, cause sissy sounds turn me off. And, when it comes to sex I'm a total guy too. I make guy grunts and noises. But, as to what happens during sex, it's like I'm some chick. I want a guy to tell me he loves me, I want a guy to tell me that he'll always be there for me, I want a guy to want to be with me and only me. Like, that makes me horny as fuck.

And you wanna know the reason why I like my sex that way? So, since I am an aspiring Therapist/Motivational Speaker/ Public Speaker, I've figured out why I like to bring down my guard during sex. It's because, I've kind of always felt like, and to some degree still feel, that I am constantly in survivor mode. I feel like I have to constantly stand my ground, that I have to constantly defend my ass, even though I probably don't need to. So, when I have sex, I don't want to be in another situation where I feel like I'm butting heads with someone. I want someone who will kiss me passionately. I want someone to fuck me passionately. I want someone to basically worship me, but not obsessively. Just whisper compliments in my ear, or tell me how handsome I look tonight. I want actual relationship sex, but with a Man and not a sissy.

I dunno, I guess I just need to be loved. To be held and comforted. I need it to be as vanilla as all possible.

I want to be treated like a guy treats another guy, but in a romantic sense. I want bromance, but not thugmance.......if that makes sense.....

So, feel good about what turns you on. Most guys love that shit!



I'm practically twice your age (61). Still I don't understand why you would consider boring or non-adventurous. I also don't understand why you would think it weird that you like sex with a "man" and not someone one else with a penis where one of you acts feminine. I also don't see why you think it is acting like a chick to want the person who you are having sex with telling you during the act how much he loves you.

Note, I have been in my relationship for 17+ years. We are a monagoumous couple (meaning only sex with each other -- not a board game). (Granted I'm a lousy partner now that I have ED == probably do to diabetes, heart issues, etc. The Blue pills don't work anymore -- long story.)

I have always had a weak spot for hairy, muscular, manly men. I recall that way back when I was 4.5 years of age. I could get turned on by seeing hairy forearms when guys where short sleves, or legs when wearing shorts. I could get turned on by seeing tuffs of hair exposed when a guy has his shirt open a bit. I could even get turned on with long sleeves, if some hair is showing at his wrists and/or hands. It is not an absolute, as I have been with guys that are not so hairy, but then their muscles, manerisms, etc would have to be attractive to me. I also love a handsome face, but realize that what I consider handsome may not be the same as what someone else feels. It was never attracted to boys even when I was a boy. It was men that I was attracted to.

Emotionally, I think my attraction to men was supercharged because I saw men as people who were absent (ie died younger than expected), or cruel as in the case of my dad who I was forced to live with from the ages of 11 to 14.5.) I felt "satisfied" with relationships with women in that it seemed when an adult woman accepted you as family, the bond was immediately established and kept. Where as with men it always seemed fleeting or someting you had to keep "earning". Thus the longing to have a man who would love you through thick and thin no matter what. That always seemed elusive to me for so long. So as driving as I am physically to the male form, it was so much more intense to yearn for that lasting love from another male.

Sexually, I yearned to be inside another man. I wished there was someting like a male womb. That is the closest I have to bending gender. I wish I could literally breed another man. Not to feminize him, but to create a life with him that would last beyond our life time. Someone who might visit our graves generations after we are gone. Also part of that was wishing I myself could desolve into another man. Not to stop existing, but to calm my wrestless spirit and perhaps gain some of another man's calmness. I tend to be rather high strung at times.

So I am a top. It is so much my nature. It isn't about being more male or less "gay", but to simply become "one" by being inside another guy. Yes, orgasms while being inside another guy top any other sensations in intensity than anything else I have experienced in my lifetime. However, the most important part of it to me was also that "connection". I always wished I had been really hung, and could sleep "connected" as the connection means as much -- if not more than the actual journey towards orgasm. I always found it somewhat of a let down if the "after orgasm" was simply about going one's seperate ways. I always wanted to cuddle and talk if the guy was up to it. I also loved smelling my seed down there as if the connection wasn't completely over.

Anyway, I'm not tring to titilate, but simply be honest of just how my emotions are wrapped up in my sexuality even at my age.

You can find what you are looking for with another man, but it takes time to do so. I do have some guilt at times -- not over religion but my strong importance on wishing ever man could have kids if he so wanted to. I had no choice. I found out I was Extremely infertile in my 20's -- no injury, no mumps, or anything such. It is just the way things are for me. Many times I struggle with the fact that if presented a beautiful view of a hairy man's ass and balls. My own need to get off would make me dwell on his hole. Yet I have to appreciate that all his mucular traits -- body hair, muscles, build, deep voice are due to the testostrone produced his balls. Furthermore, that nature designed males that way also to produce sperm so that their genes get passed on. I'm very fortunate that my guy was married and had children before we met. (He had been divorced years before we met.) Had my partner been fertile, but never married, part of me would have always felt like I held him back. Granted I know that having children doesn't guarantee that their lives are great, but at least it is a possibility. So yes, I have guilt that if possilbe, I would want to make love and be inside another handsome man might mean that I have condemned him to a life of no offspring. (Thank God, some gays do surragacy so that their genes do go on.)

Finally, I think it is interesting that you mention butting heads. I sometimes think about that when I think of my farm animals. I have no desire to be a female - nor make my partner to be a female. I say that knowing that the idea of being a buck (male goat-- I raise angora goats, alpacas, birds), just gives me a headache thinking of all those horn batting times they do to get access to females.) Where as the females do create life and establish families -- sometimes the off-spring familial ties are noticed years after they reach adulthood. I would rather be part of a family, than just a lonely old buck butting heads hoping to get sex a few times a year.

PS: Being in a 17+ year relationship doesn't mean candle light dinners every night. However, the fact that he is the last person I see every night when I lay my head in bed, and the first person I see when I rise in the morning is so wonderful. To loose him would be like waking up to find that the sun is no longer there. That is what consistant love is like, and it has been the salvation to what always troubled me. I too always though about relationships more than anything else. However, once I had him, I was able to think past that as that part of my life has been wonderfully fulfilled.


Oh sweetheart, I'm just being funny. I've said this before, and I'll say it again, that I do have feminine qualities. Truth be told, I'm not ashamed of who I am. I just joke around about loving boring ass sex, I mean I think it's funny, but at the same time, it does truly turn me on. I'd be dishonest if I said that I was just like any average man, that having the guy leave me high and dry (or wet), with just me lying on a bed alone was something that sounded thrilling or fun. I've been there done that, and there's nothing fulfilling about that kind of life. Most of the time you feel like a used car, and you end up living your life as kind of this half-existence, where the only reason men want you is because you look good. Like there's nothing about your personality that's worth anything, and the only thing you're good for is being a trophy that can be used and abused so to speak.

Look, I'm as honest as they come. And, I've learned that honesty must be a bitch, cause, most people get turned off. Let's be honest, do you honestly see 2 gay men who are in a relationship still stay in a relationship because they truly love eachother? I mean, truly....cause I sure as hell don't. My favorite thing is when men say "don't be dramatic." Don't be dramatic.....so, you've obviously never been in a relationship before? Because, guess what, a relationship requires, give it a second....DRAMA! Gasp! And really, people label it drama, but it's not drama. Drama is only for the big screen, drama doesn't exist in real life. Because, honestly, when people say a person is being dramatic, it's because simply that person they deem being dramatic is simply mirroring a part of you that you don't like. Life is literally one big mirror. Everyone you come in contact with, every single person, is simply a mirror. And, you have the mirrors that you prefer (the mirrors that have all the traits you like in a person), and then you have the mirrors you could give 2 shits less (the mirrors that remind you of the bad parts of yourself). So, why is it in life do we get thrown in with people we absolutely hate? Because, its lifes way of trying to make you aware of the things that are, potentially, ugly about you. And, because life is trying so desperately hard to wake you up to the traits that some people might find undesirable about you, it's trying to make you accept that you as a human, whether you like it or not, are flawed. But, what most people don't understand is that it's the flaws is what make you beautiful. It's called integration, which is a fancy term that means, accepting and finding peace with the side of you that is flawed.

But it gets a lot more complex then that. I always say everyone is on a different "life path." It sounds like something out of a story book, but, I can't really think of a better word for it. I always say life path, but it's kind of open to interpretation. Some people say a person's "choices" or a person's "life." Life path makes sense to me, because in life there's always crossroads and forks, there's always different "paths" one can choose. So, getting back to the point I was trying to make, everyone has a different "life path." And, in some instances, there are just some people who are completely incompatible 100%. There are simply some "mirrors" that aren't meant for your particular path. The best example I can think of, and I'm not saying this to be an asshole, but there's a user here that I don't get along with at all. I'm not gonnna say who, cause our crap is done and over with, but his life path is seriously incompatible with mine. Like severely incompatible with mine, like there's no growth that can happen with him and I. Obviously, he has chosen to walk a very different path from mine, and that's ok. That's his birthright, and a person should be able to walk any path that they choose. That's the beauty of life is being able to truly choose how it is you want to live. And, it's very obvious that the decisions this individual has made, and the people he has met on his particular life path, that this is what this individual truly wants his life to look like. And, good for him. If the way he lives his life is accepted by his particular group of friends, or even family, then I wish him all the best, and I really hope he gets every single thing he truly wants in life. But, there are certain dealbreakers when it comes to conversing with me, and one of those dealbreakers is, don't start with an insult to begin a conversation with me, especially if you have a problem with me. If you have a problem with me, we can message eachother in private and deal with it privately because it's really a situation that is just between you and I. But, to message me publicly for everyone to see, and start off a new conversation with an insult, I don't take kindly to people like that. To him that may be normal, but that is not normal for me. It's just a real bland way to be, but that's because I have chosen a life path that finds that kind of behavior to be repulsive and unwarranted.

Look, the simple truth is this. I want someone who will treat me with respect, integrity, bravery, and honesty. I'm looking for someone who is willing to grow with me. I want someone who can accept me at my worst, and at my best. And I too will do the same for them. I want someone who will date me/marry me, not out of convenience, but out of love, and true love, not some physical joy parade. I want someone to date me/marry me because they find my presence to be enjoyable. I want someone to date me/marry me because they can see a future with me, and will love being around me so much that they want to spend the rest of my life with me. I want someone to date me/marry me because I make them happy, just like how they would make me happy. I want something that is real in every sense of the word.

I could LITERALLY give 2 fucks if I ever have sex again. I have not had sex in 5, going on 6 years, and I have been through more, accomplished more, and truly lived life more than I ever have in all the years of my life. Yes, sex is great, and don't get me wrong, I'd be lying if I didn't throughly enjoy having sex, but it's really not that high of a priority for me. And honestly, when you live in a very conservative state like I do, the gay scene is shady at best. Most guys just want to go to pound town, and again, that is their life path. That is their choice. If they wish to continue to have meaningless sex, sex based on the physical and purely on the physical and nothing more, than that is their choice. People usually don't do something they don't want to do. In some strange, but understandable way, they find that kind of life fulfilling in their own way. I want someone who can literally match me. I want someone who can fulfill everything on my wish list on what it is I look for in a man, mentally, physically, and Spiritually (or if they don't have a belief system, that's ok too, as long as they're willing to work with me to make our relationship blossom going forward.).

I'm very emotionally mature. I know what it is I want, and I never deny myself of positive or negative emotions. If I'm mad, I'm mad, if I'm happy, I'm happy, but I always follow where my emotions take me. This sounds almost counterintuitive right? That phrase "Think with your head, not with your heart." I don't agree with it. You should think with both. There's a reason why every organ in your body is connected. Because if you lacked an organ, like a heart, or a pair of lungs, then obviously you wouldn't really survive. You'd have to have a transplant done, or something, to makeup for that organ you lacked. Same goes with your head and heart. Both have to be in sync, because when you "think with your head and not your heart" then your choices don't have any meaning. Just because something is logical, doesn't mean that you should pursue it. If you do things without passion, if you make a choice without conviction, if you respond to a crisis without any meaning behind it, then does that decision have weight to it? No....it's literally like a empty plastic bag in the wind.....it just goes where the wind takes it. It doesn't have an actual direction, it just "goes where it flows." Emotions are what give your decisions a "charge." It's what makes the result of your decisions have meaning. So, if you follow your heart, it's really not a bad thing. Use your head obviously, but just follow your heart. Your heart knows what it wants, so follow it. If something makes you happy, then follow it. If something makes you mad, allow yourself to be mad. Because denying yourself from feeling pain or anger will only result in you being broken. You have to have the good and the bad, because you're a person. You're not half a person, you're a person, and you come with a set of emotions, and to cut out emotions from your experience will only make you sadder in the long run. Stop breaking yourself and learn to live!

If I never find "the one" then so be it. I don't need a man to complete me. I've done plenty of great and wonderful things by myself. Yes, I have online dating profiles, cause yes, just like any human I desire companionship. But, if I never find it, that's ok too. I know exactly what I'm looking for and exactly what I want. But, the gay men I have hung out with don't desire the same things. There's a friend I have at work, who is gay, and he's the best friend I have. However, he's always complaining about something, he's always talking about some guy he wants to fuck with, and at one point he wanted to date me. I've hung out with this person outside of work, and I will ALWAYS be his number one supporter, but I can not date someone who is like that. It just always seems like with him, nothing is ever enough. And again, that's his life path, this is the path he chose to follow, and again he has that birthright, and it's up to him what he wants his life to look like. And, if that's what he likes, then good for him. But, I can't see us as something more than just friends. I care about him, I would take a bullet for him anyday, cause he's one of my best friends, but love is a 2 sided situation. Both parties must be happy, and I just know that I could never be happy with him.

Ok, lol done ranting lol.
Here's an example of the Universe trying to tell you that you need healing in an area of your life:

Someone who struggles with showing emotion. This person, in their lifetime, will constantly struggle with this, and that is because, they choose to ignore or disregard the fact that they have trouble showing emotion. Most people will ignore this issue, and will continue to fracture themselves. And this goes with pretty much any problem that happens in your life that is recurring. Don't pass up an opportunity to make you "whole" again.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby str8bttm » 11 March 2021, 14:17

This IS my sex life and I love it. I love being used by other men and I have no shame whatsoever. I think over time it should be easier for you to embrace it.

Did you have a strict upbringing? That could be it. My parents were really conservative. Even growing out my hair was frowned upon but over time it got better and I was able to actually enjoy being used by men.
Top for a nice ass male, female or trans, bottom for any cock.
Exploring the world and my sexuality.
Open to dms. Friendly
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 12 March 2021, 05:17

Nice avatar :lol:
Blow: "Nowadays even Liam can release an album of his screechy vocals and it'll probably go #1..."
Ramzus: I can admit that I'm horny just about 24/7
homomorphism: I used to not think your name was deshay and that Erick was just being racist
Hunter: sometimes I think I was literally born to be a pornstar
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 March 2021, 13:47

Raynethemagi wrote:See, I wish I could be that adventurous when it comes to sex.

But nope, I'm as fucking vanilla as they come. I'm into the most boring damn sex ever. BDSM is not sexually satisfying to me, and the less pain the better, at least for me. I'm not against a guy topping me, because there's something about that act that's appealing to me. But the worse it comes to pain is slapping my ass. That's honestly about as far as I go.

Here's the even more weird part. I like to fuck an actual dude. I like hearing guy sounds during sex, cause sissy sounds turn me off. And, when it comes to sex I'm a total guy too. I make guy grunts and noises. But, as to what happens during sex, it's like I'm some chick. I want a guy to tell me he loves me, I want a guy to tell me that he'll always be there for me, I want a guy to want to be with me and only me. Like, that makes me horny as fuck.

And you wanna know the reason why I like my sex that way? So, since I am an aspiring Therapist/Motivational Speaker/ Public Speaker, I've figured out why I like to bring down my guard during sex. It's because, I've kind of always felt like, and to some degree still feel, that I am constantly in survivor mode. I feel like I have to constantly stand my ground, that I have to constantly defend my ass, even though I probably don't need to. So, when I have sex, I don't want to be in another situation where I feel like I'm butting heads with someone. I want someone who will kiss me passionately. I want someone to fuck me passionately. I want someone to basically worship me, but not obsessively. Just whisper compliments in my ear, or tell me how handsome I look tonight. I want actual relationship sex, but with a Man and not a sissy.

I dunno, I guess I just need to be loved. To be held and comforted. I need it to be as vanilla as all possible.

I want to be treated like a guy treats another guy, but in a romantic sense. I want bromance, but not thugmance.......if that makes sense.....

So, feel good about what turns you on. Most guys love that shit!


I wish I were like that. Maybe I can't be because I'm not trusting enough or subconsciously fear real relationships. I'm into casual, anonymous stuff. I just want to be so fucking horny for me that he wants to (NEEDS to) take my right there, to bend me over and drill me hard and fast.
I tell myself that this is what I want and maybe it is but I also wish I could enjoy gentle, passionate sex with someone that I have a real emotional connection with. I don't know if I'll ever be able to do that.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 March 2021, 13:50

str8bttm wrote:Did you have a strict upbringing? That could be it. My parents were really conservative. Even growing out my hair was frowned upon but over time it got better and I was able to actually enjoy being used by men.


Nope, not at all. My parents are the kindest, most accepting people you can imagine. The kind of people who in the early 2000s told me that if I liked boys more than girls then that's okay and I should never be afraid of who I love.
Although, well, they did focus on love a lot. They probably thought having a gay son only meant I would bring over a boy for dinner and hold hands with him and not that I would meet up with strangers on some parking lot and beg them to fuck my hole.
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