Ashamed about wanting to be used

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Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 13:57

I have a weird problem.
Despite having been for a long time and coming from a super supportive background I'm still struggling with accepting my sexuality.
I am not sure if it even has anything to do with being gay or if I would feel the same way if I were straight. I have no issue telling people I'm gay and if they have an issue with that it's their problem, not mine.
My issue is the sex itself. Obviously there's no reason to openly tell people about my sex life but I think people usually assume I'm this sort of innocent person who only does clean vanilla stuff.
It took me years to "allow" myself to be penetrated, despite fantasizing about it constantly.

First time was with a friend last year and it was a lot better than I had expected the first time to be.
Second time was with another "friend" but it kind of sucked bc he showed zero caution and basically just tried to push his cock into me. It was bad but at the same time it turned me on once we managed to make it work with lots of lube bc even though he wasn't good and it was painful I got off at being used like that.
Third time was with my first friend again. Was good.
Fourth time was hooking up with a stranger. It wasn't exciting but ok. The fact that I let a stranger use me was more satisfying than the actual sex.
Fifth (and last) time was amazing bc that guy really wanted me and it was fun to tease him before I allowed him to fuck me.

I'm sure if it weren't for the current lockdown I would go for a lot more casual hookups. So maybe it's good having an outside factor that keeps me from doing it.

My issue is that I'm mostly fantasising about hooking up with strangers, about playing innocent and teasing someone before I allow him to take me somewhere and bend me over, breeding my ass senseless with his balls slapping against my skin and me moaning like a little bitch before his thick cock explodes inside of me.

Even just writing this down makes me feel ashamed but at the same time so goddamn horny.

I know there isn't really anything unusual or shameful about my fantasies, they're probably actually rather lowkey.

Then why can't I accept them and just have fun? Why does it make me feel so bad to want to experience this?
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 17 February 2021, 14:54

There is certainly no shame in the kink/desire/fantasy itself.

But uh, I sure hope you're being relatively safe... I don't really get the impression you are / have been, though!

That would be a major issue for me and a reason not to act out these fantasies (and to feel bad if I somehow ended up doing that regardless) - exposing myself to scary diseases, including ones that can bypass condoms and can't be cured and can cause cancer and many other problems and be spread even when people show no symptoms, possibly to guys I love or will love in the future... even though I can see the appeal.

(Which is why I went for a committed relationship and now get my needs met in slightly different ways, safely within my relationship with my husband and our boyfriend. :))
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 15:34

René wrote:There is certainly no shame in the kink/desire/fantasy itself.

But uh, I sure hope you're being relatively safe... I don't really get the impression you are / have been, though!

That would be a major issue for me and a reason not to act out these fantasies (and to feel bad if I somehow ended up doing that regardless) - exposing myself to scary diseases, including ones that can bypass condoms and can't be cured and can cause cancer and many other problems and be spread even when people show no symptoms, possibly to guys I love or will love in the future... even though I can see the appeal.

(Which is why I went for a committed relationship and now get my needs met in slightly different ways, safely within my relationship with my husband and our boyfriend. :))


Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.
I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 17 February 2021, 17:33

ghostspaces wrote:Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.

Haha, sorry! Have you at least got tested for various STIs since then?

ghostspaces wrote:I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

At least 18 strains of HPV (spread through skin contact as well as oral/anal sex, with risk increased by, but not dependent on, douching and not using condoms) are known to be associated with developing cancer, including throat/neck/oral cancer, penile cancer, anal cancer, cervical cancer in women, lung cancer, skin cancer...
Infections and resulting cancers are becoming more prevalent and not always symptomatic or recognisable initially. It's scary stuff.

ghostspaces wrote:I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.

:hug:
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 19:23

René wrote:
ghostspaces wrote:Don't call me out like this ^^
No tbh you're not wrong. I've been mostly safe so far meaning I used condoms except with that one guy I hooked up with and I realise how dumb that was, especially since he was the only one that I didn't know so I have no idea about his habits. I didn't let him cum inside me though so I hope it was ok.

Haha, sorry! Have you at least got tested for various STIs since then?

ghostspaces wrote:I admit that I don't even know about the risks of anything oral and I know I should look into it but I never do bc I might not like the answer.
It's unreasonable and irresponsible, I know that much.

At least 18 strains of HPV (spread through skin contact as well as oral/anal sex, with risk increased by, but not dependent on, douching and not using condoms) are known to be associated with developing cancer, including throat/neck/oral cancer, penile cancer, anal cancer, cervical cancer in women, lung cancer, skin cancer...
Infections and resulting cancers are becoming more prevalent and not always symptomatic or recognisable initially. It's scary stuff.

ghostspaces wrote:I know that I wouldn't feel so ashamed if I just had sex in a commited relationship but idk if that would be an option for me. I like the idea but I think it scares me. Bc being vulnerable by letting someone fuck me senseless is apparent ok but actually commiting to someone emotionally is too much.

:hug:


Nah I've never gotten tested for anything... yeah I know I should.

That kind of makes it worse. Knowing that I'm so obsessed with having my physical needs met that I don't even care about the risks. Makes it even more shameful tbh.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Eos » 17 February 2021, 20:46

I don't see why you feel ashamed honestly.
You like to lose control. That's it.
Many people are like you.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby ghostspaces » 17 February 2021, 21:19

Eos wrote:I don't see why you feel ashamed honestly.
You like to lose control. That's it.
Many people are like you.


Maube bc i'm usually very in control. Or at least make others believe i am. Basically being a slave to my own sexual fantasies doesn't sit well with my self image.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Eos » 18 February 2021, 07:09

I am a bit like you. I like to control a lot of things around my life. But this is why, I am so looking forward to lose control. Finding a partner that allows me to stop overthinking.
Also, having a different behavior in such an intimate moment is not surprising.
What I advise you is to acknowledge and accept what you like. Life will be much better.
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby René » 18 February 2021, 13:11

ghostspaces wrote:Nah I've never gotten tested for anything... yeah I know I should.

You should know it's unlikely you caught anything serious from the few times you've had sex so far, including HIV. But in the unlikely event that you did catch HIV, it would be very important to know, because there are very good treatments available which might save your life and stop you passing the virus on to anyone else in the future. (Again, unlikely, though.)

Most likely, getting tested will just give you peace of mind. :keke:
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Re: Ashamed about wanting to be used

Unread postby Severelius » 18 February 2021, 13:49

There is very little to be ashamed about in adopting the "I'm just a hole sir" approach to sex, as long as you're careful about it.
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