Ashamed to be gay

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Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 1 February 2019, 20:10

Something I feel that is stopping me from coming out is the fact that my brother is also gay, I constantly think what people including my own family would make of the fact that both of us are gay, this plays on my mind all the time and I feel a little bit ashamed to be gay because of this when I really shouldn't do. I honestly think if my brother was straight, I would be more willing to be out as I wouldn't have these potential judgements praying on my mind.

Has anyone got any words of advice about how I feel or is in a similar situation?
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 1 February 2019, 20:59

Why would that be an obstacle to you coming out?
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby mastmck » 1 February 2019, 22:33

Hi
There is always going to be someone who will judge you for who you are but you just have to ignore the judgment and you shouldn't be ashamed of being gay, we don't choose who we are so we just have to embrace who we are without shame
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby Shaved-Nudist » 1 February 2019, 23:39

There is nothing to be ashamed about. It is your life and you have the right to live it as you wish. As stated above, there will always be someone that will be judgmental. That's part of life no matter how you choose to live it. Straight or gay it is the way that you prefer to live!
Try living nude!
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby PopTart » 2 February 2019, 00:12

There are alot of gay brothers out there LG, you needn't feel ashamed. Your brother no doubt would be a great support and your family have already accepted one gay son, why not another?

I get what you might be concerned about, what people might think, but let them face what such thoughts mean about them. Small minds, small thoughts.

What do you want your life to look like?
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 2 February 2019, 12:57

I really don't know what truly causes me to have these thought processes about judgement from people but it seems to be in my head constantly not just with being gay but I seem to over think how I come across to others all the time take it personally like if I feel I have annoyed someone in some way and my head seems to be wired to just think things instead of actually doing it.

I went to the doctors recently to try and see if anything could be done about me thinking how people judge me and some anxiety related stuff but all that happened was I got put on anti depressants which doesn't really fix the issues I'm having.

Hope this makes sense and thanks for the replies.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby Brasileiro » 2 February 2019, 14:06

I have a gay friend with a lesbian sister. There are no other siblings. And he felt not ashamed but sort of sad for his mom that they were both gay, but when he told her (he was 16 or something) she just said "well, maybe just not tell dad" . They were divorced at that time, so that was not hard, but it shows there was some feeling of it not being okay. He is over 40 now and ver proud to be gay. Does a lot for the gay community too.

In the end, it is what it is. It is not like you can change the situation or that it is your fault. It does not change if you do not come out, you are still gay. They are going to notice when you start dating, or question you if you do not date. The longer you wait, the worse it will get because you really build up anxiety and you do not have to.

Actually I think your brother would think it is awesome, as he is not the odd one out anymore.
I would talk to him first. He can make it easier to come out.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby GaySpacePirateKing » 2 February 2019, 16:21

LostGuy94 wrote:I went to the doctors recently to try and see if anything could be done about me thinking how people judge me and some anxiety related stuff but all that happened was I got put on anti depressants which doesn't really fix the issues I'm having.


I've had similar experiences with how useful doctors can be when it comes to mental health which is sometimes not very helpful, you should go back though and make it clear there is a problem and that you need more than just anti depressants like counselling or something.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 3 February 2019, 15:24

Brasileiro wrote:I have a gay friend with a lesbian sister. There are no other siblings. And he felt not ashamed but sort of sad for his mom that they were both gay, but when he told her (he was 16 or something) she just said "well, maybe just not tell dad" . They were divorced at that time, so that was not hard, but it shows there was some feeling of it not being okay. He is over 40 now and ver proud to be gay. Does a lot for the gay community too.

In the end, it is what it is. It is not like you can change the situation or that it is your fault. It does not change if you do not come out, you are still gay. They are going to notice when you start dating, or question you if you do not date. The longer you wait, the worse it will get because you really build up anxiety and you do not have to.

Actually I think your brother would think it is awesome, as he is not the odd one out anymore.
I would talk to him first. He can make it easier to come out.


I would love to be able to tell my family I'm gay but can't seem to pluck up the courage to do so, I go to such an extent to hide it from them that I can honestly just see myself getting into a relationship with someone and just suddenly moving away with a brief summery as to why written on a note once I've walked out the door.

GaySpacePirateKing wrote:I've had similar experiences with how useful doctors can be when it comes to mental health which is sometimes not very helpful, you should go back though and make it clear there is a problem and that you need more than just anti depressants like counselling or something.


I have a follow up appointment in about 2 months time to see how I'm doing on the tablets but I am aiming to try and get the message across about my issues with mental health and everything else, it's about so much more than depression, what I want to do is to resolve the issues that leave me feeling depressed in the first place.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby GaySpacePirateKing » 3 February 2019, 15:51

LostGuy94 wrote:I have a follow up appointment in about 2 months time to see how I'm doing on the tablets but I am aiming to try and get the message across about my issues with mental health and everything else, it's about so much more than depression, what I want to do is to resolve the issues that leave me feeling depressed in the first place.


I would go back now 2 months is a long time to wait and if you want counselling then there will probably be a waiting time so its best to go back to the doctor now as soon as possible and explain you want counselling, CBT or something. You could ask to see a different doctor if you don't think the one you are seeing is being helpful, some practices have doctors that specialise in mental health so you could phone and ask.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby mxguy01 » 3 February 2019, 17:54

GaySpacePirateKing wrote:
LostGuy94 wrote:I went to the doctors recently to try and see if anything could be done about me thinking how people judge me and some anxiety related stuff but all that happened was I got put on anti depressants which doesn't really fix the issues I'm having.


I've had similar experiences with how useful doctors can be when it comes to mental health which is sometimes not very helpful, you should go back though and make it clear there is a problem and that you need more than just anti depressants like counselling or something.


In fact, if you can, look for a doctor that recommends something you feel has a potential to work. In other words, shop around for a.doctor that suits you.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby naskurnarah » 5 February 2019, 14:14

1. Being gay is nothing to be ashamed of.
2. Do people judge brothers if they are both straight ? No, right ? Why should they then judge brothers who are both gay ?
3. Just be who you are. (You cannot change your orientation anyway). There will always be someone out there who will judge you, you cannot change the whole world. Talk to your family when you feel comfortable about it.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 10 February 2019, 05:34

Many people deal with shame, and gays don't have a monopoly on dealing with such.

Is part of your shame (having a gay brother) is that your parents won't have grand children? Note that sexual desire (preference or orientation or whatever you like to call it) is separate from the desire to procreate. There are plenty of gays who want to be parents (some fine with adoption) and some specifically want biological children. While gayness means it isn't so straight forward to be a parent (no pun intended), it can be done.

From a totally different train of thought, I've never felt it was so essential to come out to everybody. I suppose there is much less stress if you feel like you don't have to hide something. However, I just never felt it was most people's business. As I aged, people just don't bring up the topic. Thus it has been centuries since anybody tried to pry into my life by asking if I was "seeing" anybody.

All that being said, I almost died last fall from a disease I caught from a mosquito. At that time I was kind of forced out, because the love of my life had to make decisions about saving my life. Technically not being married, and no one knowing our relationship put him in a very awkward situation. So he outed me to my siblings so that they would understand that he needed to make decisions. It was so weird, but he did what he had to do to save my life. They were accepting which of course made it much easier to deal with. Luckily, I'm unemployed, so no boss had to be told. Some other areas of my life, some now know, and some simply cannot know because of their mindset.

Granted I suppose it would have been difficult if he hadn't been able to get a hold of my siblings, but that would have also been a problem if I was single -- regardless of my sexuality.

I do NOT regret not revealing my personal sexual life years ago. Why? For one reason, because my dad was so in your face with his own sexual appetites, that I wanted to be the very opposite of him. (No my dad was never gay or bi, and I don't want to talk about his fetishes.) I really just don't think my personal life is anybody's business.

One thing I never liked about the idea about coming out is that there are stereotypes that persists in many people's minds about being gay. I'm simply me. My attraction to some men does NOT define me. For instance, if I am artistic it is because it is in my nature -- not because being gay means I must be artsy-fartsy. Likewise, if I don't care to watch spectator sports. I don't want someone thinking: Of course he doesn't like spectator sports -- he's gay for goodness sake. I feel like I'm uniquely me, and my sexuality doesn't define me. It is just a label that some people want to use.

Sadly too, I find that many times even in the gay world there is intolerance for those who think differently than what is politically correct in the LGBT community. As just one example, I despise the word "queer". I don't like labels anyway, but if someone just has to use one on me, gay is fine. (Queer was a derogatory term for many of us from the older generations, and it seems VERY disrespectful and right down rude to force that label on the rest of us because some other gays feel that the word has been "reclaimed".) I refuse to read things such as the "Queer Voices" section on HuffingtonPost since they changed the name from "Gay Voices".

The forced use of "queer' is just one more example of where I do not feel any connection to the LGBT community and thus why I am just fine not being out.

I just don't relate to plenty other ideas that have taken on a status quo mentatlity for many in the LGBT world. I know dealing with straights as a group sometimes feels like they are from Jupiter, but gays as a group seem like they are from Pluto. I would feel more like I'm from Uranus (pun intended ;) )-- closer to Pluto obviously than Jupiter, but still not in sync with anybody else. I'm fine with being different!

Nevertheless, that is my story. If however not being out causes you mental stress, then by all means get counseling about it. I just never felt like coming out was as great as some people make it out to be. All I need to do is for MYSELF to understand my sexuality, and well as those that I choose to be involved with sexually.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 10 February 2019, 10:58

NobodySpecial wrote:Many people deal with shame, and gays don't have a monopoly on dealing with such.

Nevertheless, that is my story. If however not being out causes you mental stress, then by all means get counseling about it. I just never felt like coming out was as great as some people make it out to be. All I need to do is for MYSELF to understand my sexuality, and well as those that I choose to be involved with sexually.


I don't think the child thing is really a factor especially as parents already have grandchildren. Would maybe like some kids of my own someday but that's not something I think about too much atm.

I don't seem to want my family to know anything about my personal life for some reason whether that be my sexual orientation, mental health or anything else, not quite sure why but it does seem like they worry about me a bit too much especially with me being autistic and the fact I still live at home makes things difficult to hide from them but somehow I manage it. Think it's also because I have tried to explain some things like my mental health and anxiety and haven't really understood what I have and are dismissing it as something else and leaves me feeling like I may as well talk to a brick wall about it instead.

I am rather quiet about this side of my personal life, I have told a few of my friends that I am gay but have only told the one's that I can trust and those who are likely not to make a big deal out of it, don't want people making it out to be a big deal when I tell them like I'm doing something pretty courageous, the response I hope for is just "are you? Fair enough" I don't really go into detail about this side of my life with my friends, they know I am gay but don't know to what I get up to in this sense as it is really nobodies business but my own, if I got into a relationship I would maybe tell my closest friends and eventually introduce them to the other half but I can't see me telling my family ever as I simply just don't want to as I feel as if I can't.

I don't want the fact that I am gay to be my main characteristic, I feel that other than my sexuality that I am not really much if any different to most straight guys that I've ever known so don't see why I should be seen as any different to them, hate the whole "you must be gay if you think that" just for something like not liking football (soccer) which is stupid as I know straight people who also have little to no interest of it.

No clue how I'm going to hide it for much longer as I have hidden it for so long now that I have missed out to some extents as a result which I now want to change, thinking of getting of getting myself on Grindr to hook up but I am not sure how this will work as I still live at home (sad I know) so not quite sure how I will be able to do this if I won't be willing for them to come to my home, can only hope that they would want me to come to them as the other way round is out of the question. Any advice on this and Grindr in general?
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby PopTart » 10 February 2019, 11:11

That desire for privacy from your family could well come from the fact you live with them. It can be funny living with people, not in the "Haha" way either.

I think it's born of living in eachothers pockets, sure, you may be naturally private, which seems the case, but when your in eachothers lives so much, more out of cicrumstance, than choice, one tends to want to keep a degree of privacy that one might otherwise not find as important. I wouldn't over analyse that tendency to keep everyone at arms length in that regard, as that may be the case for you here. It might not speak to some facet of your character, but one of your circumstance. A good example is that of siblings who are forever at eachothers throats when forced to live with one another, but can be the closest of friends and family, when they finally get the chance to live seperately.My sisters and I, for example :P

As to living at home, don't be too hard on yourself about that. The housing situation here in the UK is most definately in crisis. It's increasingly common and again is indicative of shortcomings in domectic government policy, social conditions and job and income disparity. Cut yourself some slack there.

It's a rough world out there, even in the "first" part of it.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby LostGuy94 » 10 February 2019, 11:52

PopTart wrote:That desire for privacy from your family could well come from the fact you live with them. It can be funny living with people, not in the "Haha" way either.


I hate telling my parents anything, I just want to get on and do what I want to with my life without being asked too many questions, if I do anything involving anyone else I get asked to give that person's life story. As long as I live under their roof I can't see me changing as it's just how I am.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby Levi Sinner » 13 February 2019, 11:54

I'm under the same situation. I have one brother from my mother's side. He's also gay. I'm out for my whole family and friends - and myself. He is the one holding back. Instead of coming out he's chosen a completely different path and has become a lot more religious over the years.

Once, when watching a documentary about lgbt people in Israel one of the guys being interviewed said something that stuck to my mind to this day: "You can hold it until you can't!".

He was referring to the decision to own your own nature and be yourself.

I guess everybody has a breaking point tho we experience our breaking points in different ways and timings. But it's true that we can hold back the decision to fully embrace ourselves until we can't any longer.

Maybe it would be healthier for you AND your mother if you come out to her and finally remove the weight from yours and her shoulders.

Have in mind that a mother usually knows about her gay child's sexuality before he comes out to her. People simply cannot tell I'm gay and when I tell them that I am they still cannot believe it. There couldn't be a reason why my mother would have figured I am gay before I told her that, but yet, she did know and wasn't surprised at all when I did it.

I would come out to her and go with the flow. Whatever happens afterwards, trust that it happened for the best.
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Re: Ashamed to be gay

Unread postby iBttm » 19 February 2019, 15:48

Its not that you're ashamed to "be gay." You're just feeling the stigma that comes along with it and its hovering around your brother. First he comes out, then you come out, then what will the family say? Maybe you could try not coming out? Good for those that "came out" without a lot of difficulty, but not everybody has the easiest time coming to terms with that so why pressure yourself? Its not going to take away your attraction for men or punish you because you dare keep it inside. Just be you! It'll be better.
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