Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

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Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 15 March 2019, 14:48

Long story short, I'm let down by every guy I meet- the one guy who I trusted would never leave me did exactly that. Now I'm left by myself, again. Every other gay dude I know is happy and in a relationship- meanwhile I have to resort to grindr and tinder and forums hoping someone can offer me some happiness.

I've only had negative sexual experiences, I lost my virginity to a random stranger who I only meet 20 minutes before because I wanted to feel what it would be like. Now I hate myself for that. I only ever have older men trying to chat me up on grindr and potentially stalk me at work (which I have encountered one of them while at work and to make matters worse- we work for the same company but in different and separate departments if that makes sense?). The dudes my age are not looking for anything serious and I legitimately turned down the hottest dude because he wanted "fun" but I wanted something real so I'm not playing any games.

I just want to be normal and be happy with someone who won't leave me and it isn't after what's between my legs because it's just gotten to the point I just resent the gay community and even hate myself just being gay because if it's not sunshine and gay rainbows it's self-loathing and growing insecurities that no one likes you and you're just a sad, depressed person who will never be worth anyone's time or attention.

And then I'm called "conceited" for expressing my wariness for men who only like me for my good looks (I do look good I know I do, but that's all dudes like me for) and that I "complain" about not being happy, when I can't help when people just treat me like shit and just disregard my feelings like I haven't tried to search for happiness. And that I should "relish in being single" like NO, I don't want to be alone that's my literal worst fear and my new insecurity I just want to be finally, wholesomely, happy with someone who actually wants what i want and has a heart.

I'm tired of being someone who people just want to get off too or with because I crave sexual intimacy so much but also want something real with it.

I don't know what to do, I don't want to give up but I keep getting hurt and let down and being gay shouldn't have me feeling worthless.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby Derek » 15 March 2019, 15:16

You're 21. I don't think you've been unlucky in love long enough to be this angsty about it.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 15 March 2019, 15:39

You can call it that, I disagree. You obviously have been through the same, yes?
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 15 March 2019, 15:48

Rather it be now then reach 30 and have go through a mid-life crisis because I couldn't get things right while I was young. I'm trying to get my life together very slowly. I'm working a job I LOVE and plan to stay with this company long term, I want to go back to school and change my major to something more relevant to the career i'm looking at. I'm trying to work on my insecurities and depression by myself because I don't want to waste my time and energy sitting down with a therapist and hear myself just complain.

I am actively trying to find happiness whenever and where I can. But this particular situation frustrates me and unless you've gone through it then you won't understand how this fucks my self-esteem, i'm only now venting about it because i'm just growing tired of feeling hurt. It may not sound like a big deal but it is to me.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby bilbo98 » 15 March 2019, 17:10

I think you should not stress about it. If I were you I would stop using grindr/tinder etc till your selfsteem improves. I would stop looking for the love of your life and start focusing on your hobbies, sports, studies, friends and work. I think that there are hundred of people looking for the same as you are. Just take a break and start improving your self steem and focus on other sides of your life before start looking for the love of your life.

A hug from Spain!
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 15 March 2019, 17:16

I can always do that, and believe me I have! I've just always found my ways back. it's a cycle for me, there's times where I feel okay and don't need that attention, love or validation because i'm like "it doesn't matter get over it" then it's time like now where I just need it because I feel so bad about myself and the feeling of wanting to be with someone and not having it sucks horribly.

But now it feels worse because i'm seeing everyone else just having fun, being gay and happy, and with a s/o and i'm just...i feel like I deserve that too and it's why I go so hard on it, and why I'm hard on myself.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby Eryx » 15 March 2019, 21:22

Jesus Christ, this is almost like a 16-year-old's diary. Sorry for being candid, but it's just soooooooo much.

First off, it's not the gay community, it's your age. Straight people your age are getting just as busy, and it's hard to find someone. When you find someone at 20 you think they will be with you forever, but that's where you're wrong, usually it ends pretty quickly, especially with how much people keep going from college to college during those years lol.

I understand that you're lonely, but there are heaps of guys out there your age who want the same as you. I don't know what your age threshold is, but even if you go just a little higher under 30 there will be loads, loads, loaaaadssss of people seeking a relationship. However if you only want to be with 20 year olds, that's probably going to be a little bit more difficult, albeit not impossible.

I mean, Idk. If you want to blame gay men in their entirety for promiscuity, that's your call. Just remember we weren't the ones who invented it, and you're not entitled to a husband. You gotta go get him. The world just keeps churning on.

I'd also suggest you forget about the apps for a while. They can only pull you down with the fast-foodey vibe of sex. It can become addictive, it takes from your well-being and rarely gives anything back. You'll have more luck in bars and meeting friends of friends. Since you know so many gay couples, go talk to them and check if they have a single friend complaining about the same things.

I'm concerned that if being alone makes you this desperate, you probably won't be able to handle your first break up.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby rxxli » 15 March 2019, 23:58

I know how you feel. I’ve been quite desperately trying to find someone for years without any real success.

Last year I finally managed to find a guy that seemed nice and we had a thingg of sorts - we were never a couple though. And that was really nice. And that made me want somethingn even more. But I just can’t seem to find it.

So really my only advice is - keep trying. The guy I mentionedwas just one random Tinder match. We didn’t even have a lot to talk at first. Then just something happenned. So I am now just patiently waiting for it to happen again. Eryx suggested going to bars and clubs - that may work for you. It definitely doesn’t for me - I am terrible with people at first (even with just one stranger in a group), I hate crowds and I don’t drink. So online dating is my only option. But you may have other options. If so - try them. Other than that - don’t give up and try to find something else to occupy your mind.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby SweetBoy2312 » 16 March 2019, 03:15

Well you definitely sound like an interesting guy. I can relate to everything you are saying. I'm also emotional and always looking for something meaningful while most guys are basically into hookups.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 16 March 2019, 05:04

I don't mean to come off any kind of way, I was just heated with emotions.

Honestly to sum it up...I'm just over not finding happiness with someone when everyone else makes it look so easy. As if with no effort. I just don't celebrate being gay because it's not how I wanted to feel. To put it into deeper perspective...I don't even want to come out until I have a significant other.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby Eryx » 16 March 2019, 14:20

Being in the closet definitely doesn't help changing your relationship status.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 16 March 2019, 16:45

Eryx wrote:Being in the closet definitely doesn't help changing your relationship status.


Tbh I actually am out to my mom (I guess), but she didn't believe me and aside from her, and the exception being my dad and my (distant) family I don't have anyone TO be out to.

So it's not that I'm in the closet by choice...I just don't see any need to if there's no one there around with me. My sister is a lesbian and when she came out to my parents they resented her a lot and she was already distant from a lot of us so even then idk if it's worth it if they're not willing to accept me and not act some kind of way.

I don't have friends. So I have no one I can talk to about how I'm feeling and what I go through. This is like my entire issue.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby rxxli » 16 March 2019, 17:28

m0useavengerr wrote:So it's not that I'm in the closet by choice...I just don't see any need to if there's no one there around with me. My sister is a lesbian and when she came out to my parents they resented her a lot and she was already distant from a lot of us so even then idk if it's worth it if they're not willing to accept me and not act some kind of way.

I don't have friends. So I have no one I can talk to about how I'm feeling and what I go through. This is like my entire issue.

Yep. Know that one really well too. Well these days I am out to my parents and my best friend. But that best friend is pretty much the only real friend that I have right now. I am friendly with the coworkers and stuff, but that's not really the same because we really just aren't that close.
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Re: Being gay is miserable and i hate myself for it

Unread postby m0useavengerr » 16 March 2019, 17:57

rxxli wrote:
m0useavengerr wrote:So it's not that I'm in the closet by choice...I just don't see any need to if there's no one there around with me. My sister is a lesbian and when she came out to my parents they resented her a lot and she was already distant from a lot of us so even then idk if it's worth it if they're not willing to accept me and not act some kind of way.

I don't have friends. So I have no one I can talk to about how I'm feeling and what I go through. This is like my entire issue.

Yep. Know that one really well too. Well these days I am out to my parents and my best friend. But that best friend is pretty much the only real friend that I have right now. I am friendly with the coworkers and stuff, but that's not really the same because we really just aren't that close.


Yess like it's a real struggle lol. I don't think I'm crazy or anything this is literally my situation rn. I had a friend but like I mentioned he just left because I drove him to his point and I regret it so much and we've just been taking time apart and he's so important to me because he was literally the first person I've ever had any real relationship with and I fucked it up. It was a really really bad fallout for both of us and honestly it's a bit traumatic for me in a way.

Tbh the reason for us splitting wasn't over something I couldn't fix so I hope he comes back and let's me have another chance. If that's not considered my first breakup then it was damn near close to it so if it happens again I don't think I'll be so hurt.

They say friend break ups are the literal worst.
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