Confused about myself, need advice

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Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 00:18

I have struggled with my sexuality for quite some time now. I am a younger guy, who has hooked up with women, but never had a girlfriend. Ever since I was about 16/17, I have been consistently watching straight porn, but also gay porn. I loved it! I used to flirt with guys online, trade pics, vids, etc. I then got into exhibitionism, and posted full body nude photos and videos on Tumblr and xtube using toys and all that. I tend to be more submissive than most.

But, I still do not know where I stand. A part of me feels like I am bi, with an attraction to men sexually, but nothing more. I do feel like I like women and want to have a relationship with women, but I am so confused. There is one guy that I have talked to for a few years now, who wants to mutually play with each others asses, using gloves and all that, and whom I have met two times and backed out. I am extremely nervous. Another guy I have been talking to in more of a sub Dom type of way has wanted me to come over and fool around, but I haven't had the guts to go through with it over fear. What is going on?

I feel like there may be a porn "obsession" and I have abstained from any masturbation, and had a few looks at porn now and then when I check my twitter. Maybe I am addicted, and that has distorted my view? But it has been 2 weeks without masturbating, and all I could think about today is getting a chastity cage, a penis piercing I have wanted for years, and I've been looking at dildos online... I am beyond confused and need some guidance. Thanks dudes
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Reyes » 13 March 2019, 00:54

Hey, and welcome to the forums :)

Its okay to not know where you stand, sexuality is fluid and if you're attracted to both genders, it can be hard to decide how you feel towards them sexually and romantically until you've had certain experiences, so just go with the flow :)

I think it sounds like you could be bi, its possible to like men but nothing more as you said above, which I'm assuming you mean you like them sexually, but don't feel the urge to pursue relationships with them.

If you've only had experiences with women in real life then you could just be really nervous, and that's the reason you've backed out with the guys you've met. If that's the case maybe start extremely slow, you don't need to go straight for ass play, if these guys are nice guys they'll be willing to go at your pace. Also maybe you're a bit scared of realising you like guys? Like having a sexual experience will kind of solidify the feelings and perhaps make it more confusing for you...but its okay to be confused, you're just starting off and exploring your sexuality should be a good feeling, nervous definitely, but it can be liberating figuring out what you like/dislike. The fear part could be more of a personal problem and maybe require some self reflection maybe?

So yeah, I don't really like offering guidance cause a lot of this you'll have to figure out yourself. But I think starting off a bit slower with guys will be the best option in terms of figuring out what you like. And lastly, id just to put emphasis on the fact its okay to feel confused, don't feel as though you must put yourself into a box and figure out what label you identify with, there's plenty of time for that :)
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 01:02

Reyes wrote:Hey, and welcome to the forums :)

Its okay to not know where you stand, sexuality is fluid and if you're attracted to both genders, it can be hard to decide how you feel towards them sexually and romantically until you've had certain experiences, so just go with the flow :)

I think it sounds like you could be bi, its possible to like men but nothing more as you said above, which I'm assuming you mean you like them sexually, but don't feel the urge to pursue relationships with them.

If you've only had experiences with women in real life then you could just be really nervous, and that's the reason you've backed out with the guys you've met. If that's the case maybe start extremely slow, you don't need to go straight for ass play, if these guys are nice guys they'll be willing to go at your pace. Also maybe you're a bit scared of realising you like guys? Like having a sexual experience will kind of solidify the feelings and perhaps make it more confusing for you...but its okay to be confused, you're just starting off and exploring your sexuality should be a good feeling, nervous definitely, but it can be liberating figuring out what you like/dislike. The fear part definitely seems like more of a personal problem and maybe requires some self reflection maybe?

So yeah, I don't really like offering guidance cause a lot of this you'll have to figure out yourself. But I think starting off a bit slower with guys will be the best option in terms of figuring out what you like. And lastly, id just to put emphasis on the fact its okay to feel confused, don't feel as though you must put yourself into a box and figure out what label you identify with, there's plenty of time for that :)


Thanks for the insight! I guess I am not so much nervous about the ass play itself, as I used to use a dildo alone and loved it. Just the fear of not going back after he plays with my ass. Like worried about regretting it. And I am also nervous of STIs and all that stuff, as my ass is prone to bleeding... I tend to text this guy, who is older by a wider margin, we talk about playing, I send pics, and he always talks about how slow we can go when playing with my ass. But then I stop texting, and ignore. But of course the voice in my head is like shit it would feel good, do it, then I psych myself out later on...

I am also concerned maybe it is from too much masturbating, or porn? I normally watch porn and jerk off once or twice a day after a long work day. I am trying NoFap, but it is making me crave jerking off 2 weeks in. I keep peaking at gay porn and today was tempted to buy a chastity cage and dildo online...
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Eryx » 13 March 2019, 01:53

I doubt you'll regret it if you enjoyed a dildo. You won't get anything if you wear a condom.
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 01:54

Eryx wrote:I doubt you'll regret it if you enjoyed a dildo. You won't get anything if you wear a condom.


I loved the dildo! Still worried about even if he uses his hands and toys.
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Reyes » 13 March 2019, 02:13

I think you just have a high sex drive as opposed to being addicted to porn. Id consider jerking off once a day normal, even twice...doesnt really seem like an addiction tbh, being able to go 2 weeks without it is long enough to prove you're not addicted haha. As long as its not an inconvenience to your everyday life who the f cares...id say only get a chasity cage if you want to be submissive and be controlled, rather than wanting to stop yourself from jerking off in fear you being 'addicted' cause I really don't think you are...

And the guy seems to be accommodating in terms of how slow you'll have to go so there's no harm in trying...you really won't know how you feel about ass play with another guy until you go ahead and try...so when you do just remember to try and stay as relaxed as possible and use a lot of lube :)

Also I just realised you said you're worried about regretting it but don't be! If you don't like it you know for next time, and it means you're just one step closer to finding out what you like/don't like sexually. Adopting the mentality of there being no regrets just life lessons, is really the best way forward - its helped me a lot
Last edited by Reyes on 13 March 2019, 02:18, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 02:18

Reyes wrote:I think you just have a high sex drive as opposed to being addicted to porn. Id consider jerking off once a day normal, even twice...doesnt really seem like an addiction tbh, being able to go 2 weeks without it is long enough to prove you're not addicted haha. As long as its not an inconvenience to your everyday life who the f cares...id say only get a chasity cage if you want to be submissive and be controlled, rather than wanting to stop yourself from jerking off in fear you being 'addicted' cause I really don't think you are...

And the guy seems to be accommodating in terms of how slow you'll have to go so there's no harm in trying...you really won't know until you try so its really up to you! I hope all goes well :)


True! Never really tried to go without porn or jerking off like this until now. I am going CRAZY! Might as well go for it tonight? Haha, I have been beyond horny and peeking at some gay porn today... I would like the submissiveness of a cage. Maybe ill get one for fun.

Yeah, he has been very accommodating. I feel bad not texting for awhile at a time when he does. I still worry I will try it and not like it/regret it.. which is the only reason why I haven't.
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Reyes » 13 March 2019, 02:20

I edited my post but idk if you saw it so imma just post the edit here: Also I just realised you said you're worried about regretting it but don't be! If you don't like it you know for next time, and it means you're just one step closer to finding out what you like/don't like sexually. Adopting the mentality of there being no regrets just life lessons, is really the best way forward - its helped me a lot

Also just explain to him you're new to this and you may be a bit flakey with the messages as you get nervous, hopefully he'll understand and if he doesn't then there are plenty of guys out there who will!
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 02:23

Reyes wrote:I edited my post but idk if you saw it so imma just post the edit here: Also I just realised you said you're worried about regretting it but don't be! If you don't like it you know for next time, and it means you're just one step closer to finding out what you like/don't like sexually. Adopting the mentality of there being no regrets just life lessons, is really the best way forward - its helped me a lot

Also just explain to him you're new to this and you may be a bit flakey with the messages as you get nervous, hopefully he'll understand and if he doesn't then there are plenty of guys out there who will!


Thanks! That is good insight. Any tips for safety if he uses fingers and all that or making sure toys are clean?
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 02:28

Also, you don't think if I jerk off to porn pretty much every time, that I am addicted? I tended to almost once per day, maybe one or too more times on the weekends or if I am extra horny. Most likely going to tonight as I have been now looking at porn today and going insane as I am incredibly horny. lol.

Also - sounds like you think I should text that guy? He texted me last week, asking how I was and sent a video of him getting fingered by a guy haha. Didn't respond :blargh:
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Reyes » 13 March 2019, 02:31

For fingers there ain't really much advice I can offer apart from use plenty of lube and go slow...listen to your body, you may be uncomfortable but you shouldn't really be in pain - that's an indicator to either stop, try something else, or use more lube etc. If you used a dildo before and loved it you should be fine!

And I don't really know how to keep toys clean cause I don't really use them, I guess just cleaning them with hot water after every use is the best course of action? Or did you mean like making sure there won't be shit on the end of them :D ?
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby dontknowwhoiam » 13 March 2019, 02:34

I mainly meant safety wise, I worry about STIs and HIV. I think he has used gloves with guys in the past. I also sent another response for you!

Check the reply before yours
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Reyes » 13 March 2019, 02:46

Personally I still wouldn't say you're addicted...then again I'm not qualified to necessarily say so, but it just seems to me that you enjoy porn and jerking off, like most people. As long as you know porn is quite fantasy like and isn't exactly like real life then watching it everyday seems normal and healthy for a person who has a high sex drive. Also you mentioned you went 2 weeks without watching it - if you were addicted I'm sure this would have been impossible

Cause it'll be your first time with another guy id say text him back if throughout your hookup, you decided to stop and didn't want to go further, he would be okay and wouldn't pressure you. If you know he would be fine with this then go ahead! As long as you're with somebody who makes you feel comfortable you really can't go wrong, also the fact you know him already may help you relax even more

And well, not going to lie STIs isn't really something I know much about so id google that or hopefully someone else on the forum can help. For fingers the risk of infection would be zero unless he has cuts on them or something like that...but yeah I'm going to leave that there cause I don't want to give you false info

Just make sure you get tested regularly, and know your own, as well as your partners status, this plus using condoms should keep you pretty safe :)
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Stephen68 » 14 March 2019, 19:51

If you try don't ever have regrets I only recently had sex with another guy and I don't regret it I'm glad it happened and am looking forward to more of the same this weekend
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Re: Confused about myself, need advice

Unread postby Eryx » 14 March 2019, 20:38

Gloves? LOL
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