Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Share stories, ask questions, get answers.

Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Geckox » 21 November 2018, 04:18

Hi everyone...

This is a really difficult topic for me to talk about. Actually I think this is the first time I've ever really been able to put it into words.

Let me just frame my life situation...

I am privileged in the sense that I am an attractive white male. I'm at an age where I'm in my prime. I'm not a super model or anything but a reasonable number of guys have approached me over the years. In the past I told myself that I was just LTR oriented and that's why I didn't accept propositioning, but the truth is that I have always been conflicted.

It's a typical scenario... I'm at home on Scruff on my phone, I start talking with a local guy I find hot. I'm in the mood. I want to meet him. We make plans, and then I tell him I can't. IT IS SO FRUSTRATING. I want to have sex, but I get so nervous.

In the past, I would only have sex in dating/LTR type situations, but the truth is that I don't want a relationship right now. I just want to have sex. This is the first time in my life I've really just admitted it to myself. I never really went through a slutty phase in my life and I swear there's an inner slut that wants to get out, yet I keep getting cold feet.

I don't know what it is... performance anxiety, fear of STIs, fear that I won't have a good time. I dunno. I have a healthy libido that wants an outlet but it's the same situation all the time. I am given opportunity but then I just end up jerking off on my own and going to bed.

I feel so ashamed of myself. Like what is wrong with me. I am wasting the good years of my life not having fun and enjoying my sexuality. I'm not a prude and I don't think sex is wrong -- but something holds me back and I can't figure it out.

Even really nice guys who I sort of explain my nervousness too, even when they seem to be supportive, I. Just. Can't. Do. It.

I'm blocking the fulfillment of my own sexual desire and it's starting to affect my mental health.

Can anyone relate to this? Or has anyone seen this predicament? I am freaking out.
Geckox
 
Posts: 10
+1s received: 2
Joined: 22 January 2017, 21:30
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Tommiebee » 21 November 2018, 20:45

I have been in that predicament.
Canceled almost every date, or bailed during the encounter.
For me, I was having panic attacks.
So let me ask... what are you afraid of?

In my case, my own sexuality scared me. I was afraid to admit what I liked. That can't be me, I told myself.
But it is me.
And now approaching 70, I have many regrets.
I am a work in progress. I am so thankful for the opportunity to live my live my own way.
User avatar
Tommiebee
 
Posts: 204
+1s received: 148
Joined: 30 September 2018, 18:34
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby mxguy01 » 21 November 2018, 21:59

I think to some degree we all have those fears. Some of them are well founded such as STDs while others are just cob webs in our brains (worried about performance or enjoying it). The issue is when fear is overriding the rational to the point where you say it is affecting you.

Sorry but the only way I see is get over it and throw yourself out there. That's really all it comes down to - if you can do it.

Perhaps its the fact that your using an app. Have your tried an more in person approach such as hanging out at a gay bar?
---
I love to travel but hate to arrive -- Albert Einstein
---
The only thing worse than an Did Not Finish (DNF) is an Did Not Start (DNS). ~~ Me
---
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. ~~ Chinese fortune cookie
User avatar
mxguy01
 
Posts: 3851
+1s received: 1879
Joined: 23 October 2017, 23:12
Location: NorCal
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Geckox » 21 November 2018, 22:29

I think part of it is them coming over to my place or me going to theirs even though we've never met before, which is not something I'd do under any other circumstance. But it seems like very few guys want to do the hanging out thing first. It's either you're dating with the hope of a LTR or you're fucking and there's not much room for something else. A lot of guys who contact me want "right now" and I feel like I have to accommodate that to get laid. It feels very artificial.

It would ease tensions for me a lot if I could hang out with a person a bit first to see if I feel safe and attracted to them... but a lot of guys looking for hookups find that weird and it verges on dating territory for them which they don't want. It's very cut and dry, black or white. It's like we're only supposed to relate sexually in this compartmentalized way, or relate fully but having sex becomes this complicated thing which I don't want either.

I basically spent years suppressing my sexual desire under the guise of wanting an LTR... and now I'm realizing that LTRs are a pain in the ass and also a VERY complicated way of having a sexual outlet. I'd rather just have sex. But why can't it be a happy medium? That's all I'm saying.

I guess I'm panicked because I don't feel safe in some way. It seems like if we hang out and have a connection that helps me establish safety, we're already in "attachment" territory and they get turned off. Yet sex without any other connection feels unsafe and even empty to me.

Basically... for myself, there is no such thing as "no strings". Even if we meet once and never again, why can't it be friendly and even passionate?

It is seriously affecting my mental health. I feel like I can't have the level of emotional safety I need in random sexual situations, but establishing emotional safety requires a level of intimacy that most hookups are looking to avoid.

Am I making sense here?
Geckox
 
Posts: 10
+1s received: 2
Joined: 22 January 2017, 21:30
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby mxguy01 » 21 November 2018, 22:42

There's all kind of relationships out there. But any being gay just are harder to find due to limited people. Yes, you can always find the "right now" hookup crowd on the apps and yes they are the bulk of what you will meet there. But there are others on apps just a lot fewer. So you can find an FB situation if that is all you want. Or an FWB. Sure your going to form some kind of attachment to an FWB. Anyone who you share an repeated intimated experience along with spending time with them, you're going to form some kind of attachment. Furthermore it is ok for that attachment not to imply an life long commitment on your part <- this is where you need to get to in your head.
---
I love to travel but hate to arrive -- Albert Einstein
---
The only thing worse than an Did Not Finish (DNF) is an Did Not Start (DNS). ~~ Me
---
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. ~~ Chinese fortune cookie
User avatar
mxguy01
 
Posts: 3851
+1s received: 1879
Joined: 23 October 2017, 23:12
Location: NorCal
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 21 November 2018, 22:55

Tbh if you're shrewd you can pick up on certain "red flags" when you speak to guys on these apps.

I've been in a similar space over the past few months, and I've hooked up with several guys from dating apps recently (5 in total over the past few months, as well as briefly dating another guy I met on one). I had one who for some reason blocked me after we hooked up (why I don't know, nothing went horribly wrong) but otherwise I've had no bad experiences.

If they give you any of the following, don't bother saying anything, just curve (and block if need be);

- They're overly persistent
- They don't include important things in their bio - like their HIV status, how recently they've been checked and what their safety practices are
- They don't come off "normal" or decent in how they talk to you - Jumping straight to sharing pictures before even saying hello, not sharing even a face photo at all, giving you one-word blunt responses etc
- This might sound ignorant but fuck it, if there's a major language barrier I'm not going there, I'm not putting myself in a situation where there could be some misunderstanding or miscommunication about what we're doing

If you feel something is "off" about a guy you're talking to, you are probably justified feeling that way so you should just stop messaging.

Also don't be scared of making your preferences clear, even if it might put some guys off (in which case, are they really someone you wanna fuck?). If your standard is that you want to meet in public before doing anything, that is your standard and stick to it.

For me, I don't fuck without condoms when it comes to casual sex, and I make that very clear before I agree to anything with these men. I also take it one step further (if I'm going to theirs) and ask them outright if they have condoms they can use at their place, or if they want me to bring some. I prefer to go to their place personally, because I don't like giving out my address to strangers, but if they seem ok I wouldn't be against having them over.

Get regular check-ups, that should go without saying.
User avatar
Yeauxleaux
 
Posts: 1447
+1s received: 546
Joined: 27 November 2015, 21:06
Location: United Kingdom
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Jzone » 22 November 2018, 00:19

Welcome to the forum. From the little you have shared, I would guess that you have a strong negative association with casual sex. "I never really went through a slutty phase in my life..." makes me wonder if you link casual, recreational sex with being slutty — and you don't want to perceive of yourself as a slut or think that anyone else does.

It may take some work on your part, but you should be able to sort that out. There is nothing wrong with recreational sex between consenting adults. Be respectful and be safe. Demand the same. Search yourself first, and ask if you think of yourself as a slut for wanting casual sex.

It's also fine to want at least minimal personal connection with a guy before having sex, without wanting a serious relationship. I haven't used the apps for a while, but I remember guys saying things like, "Looking for NSA or fuck-buddy situation. Let's meet up for coffee or a drink 1st and see if we click." Put something like that in your profile. Yes, many guys are looking for right fucking now, so you want to weed them out from the start. I met with guys for coffee and didn't go to bed with them because I didn't feel an attraction. You just need to be comfortable with your standards, and willing to say, "nice to meet you."
Just an everyday boyImageImagedoing everyday things
User avatar
Jzone
 
Posts: 675
+1s received: 845
Joined: 21 October 2017, 17:58
Location: USA, Washington State
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Geckox » 22 November 2018, 02:09

To me, slut is not a negative word, it can be empowering. What I meant is that, I can see myself having a much more sexually exploratory life if I could find my groove with it and get over my hangups. When I was in my early 20's there was a point when I was with multiple sexual partners, but in hindsight I was good friends with each of them, so it felt like a non-issue. That was a very unique circumstance though and it has never happened since then. Also between then and now, I have had a lot of LTR based trauma due to being in co-dependent relationships. So I think that has something to do with what's going on now.

In my early days my life was innocently sexually curious. Since then I have become somewhat disillusioned. So many disappointments. Also I've been sexually assaulted more than once (not full on rape, but still).

My spider sense is on high alert when it comes to the dating apps. I definitely have awareness of the red flags and the smallest bit of sociopathic behaviour. Maybe they're not the best way for me to meet guys, or maybe you're right... I should do the "let's meet for coffee" thing. I live in a smaller city and if I don't use those apps then I have no idea how to meet compatible men. I'm very picky and there are few guys I'm attracted to, so when I find one who wants to be sexual I get a laser focus that can sometimes turn to neurosis.

Maybe I do just need more experience in order to get over it. I'm never going to progress by just sitting here.
Geckox
 
Posts: 10
+1s received: 2
Joined: 22 January 2017, 21:30
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Geckox » 23 November 2018, 23:34

Maybe what I need to do is say that I'm looking for a FWB / fuck buddy... someone I can be friendly with but also have non-committal sex with. And then stick to my guns. I would feel more comfortable that way. More safe.

It just seems like everyone wants "right now" and with smart phones everybody is always looking for the better deal... so the number of people who want to do the get to know you thing before sex are much smaller than it used to be. That means I have to find someone who has the same values as me around hookups and I don't know that it's that common?

My observation is that in the gay world it's either dating/romantic or come over now and fuck, but the in between zone is harder to come by. That's why I'm frustrated...

So I end up trying the real NSA thing where you've never met but you're supposed to have passionate sex immediately, and it makes me nervous as hell.

That's why my mental health is challenged.
Geckox
 
Posts: 10
+1s received: 2
Joined: 22 January 2017, 21:30
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Jzone » 24 November 2018, 02:06

Sounds like you have a good idea of your boundaries. Now just accept the apps for what they are. Most of them really exist for the "right now" crowd. You can still hack them to get what you want, you just need to be prepared to turn away 95+% of the guys who message you. Be clear in your profile and will will get a better response rate. Don't try the NSA thing if that's not what you want. Hold out for a FWB.
Just an everyday boyImageImagedoing everyday things
User avatar
Jzone
 
Posts: 675
+1s received: 845
Joined: 21 October 2017, 17:58
Location: USA, Washington State
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Geckox » 25 December 2018, 10:19

Just thought I'd post an update.

The dilemma continues, but I am more clear on it now. I've kept a journal for the past 10 years, and I went back and read some of the stuff I wrote about hookups I had in ancient history. Most of them were bad. There wasn't much conversation about what either of us liked, there was a sense of urgency (usually on their part) that made me feel objectified, and I felt very low self-worth about each encounter. I walked away every time feeling like absolutely nothing was gained.

Okay this is a bit lame but I actually sat down and wrote out some of the things that are super important to me in an encounter:

- Friendship or at least acquaintanceship
- Sex
- Safety (physical/emotional)
- Intimacy

I'm figuring out that I am demisexual, which is a term to describe people who don't feel sexual attraction without an emotional connection.

On dating apps it's easy to objectify guys based on their photos, almost like porn. No emotional connection required because the experience of objectifying goes one way. But once I start chatting with a guy and there is a plan in place to meet, my demisexual requirements come into play. I think this is why I've been getting so fucked up about it. The app platform is creating an artificial sense of attraction when I don't know if I'm actually attracted to them for real or not. This unknown makes me unable to proceed.

I think I need to set a hard boundary, that I need to meet in public first and I need to establish acquaintanceship. Most guys are not willing to put in that effort (95%+ on the apps). It's all right now. I mean why work for it if you can just swipe left and find someone more immediate?

But I don't know what else to do. My requirements don't seem mutable no matter how hard I've tried over the years. Although I feel ashamed about my particularity, I don't think "just doing it" is going to change this for me. I have proven to myself before that I can hookup, but it doesn't feel rewarding. The sexual need on its own isn't enough to override this, although the intensity can make me forget about my own history with this.

Thanks for reading. I hope this helps other readers in the future. I'd love to hear more feedback if others are open.
Geckox
 
Posts: 10
+1s received: 2
Joined: 22 January 2017, 21:30
Country: Canada (ca)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby PopTart » 25 December 2018, 11:07

Hey Geckox, I'm also a demisexual and while I've pushed myself to have sex outside of a personal connection, it's often been less enjoyable and a tad hollow.

I think, you have a good handle on what it is you seem to want and the limitations you have to work with.

Theres nothing saying you can't have a small (or large) group of good friends, wih benefits, it might take some time and effort to build up a circle of friends for that kind of thing. But it might satisfy your particular desires.

I wish you luck, it can be challenging to figure yourself out and then figure out a way of making what you want come about.
ImageImage
User avatar
PopTart
 
Posts: 2526
+1s received: 2120
Joined: 12 December 2017, 11:15
Country: United Kingdom (gb)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby mxguy01 » 27 December 2018, 00:50

PopTart wrote:... demisexual and ... sex outside of a personal connection ... less enjoyable and a tad hollow...


I would think this is true for most and once again a spectrum for how hard someone feels that way.

Hookups are for the moment. They are slightly better than your right hand and/or prostrate toy, sometimes. :(
---
I love to travel but hate to arrive -- Albert Einstein
---
The only thing worse than an Did Not Finish (DNF) is an Did Not Start (DNS). ~~ Me
---
It is better to light one small candle than to curse the darkness. ~~ Chinese fortune cookie
User avatar
mxguy01
 
Posts: 3851
+1s received: 1879
Joined: 23 October 2017, 23:12
Location: NorCal
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Jzone » 27 December 2018, 02:54

Geckox wrote:I think I need to set a hard boundary, that I need to meet in public first and I need to establish acquaintanceship. Most guys are not willing to put in that effort (95%+ on the apps).

I support your idea of setting a hard boundary for establishing more of a connection than a one time hookup. I had some success doing the same with the apps, but it takes a lot of messaging and turning down many guys who just want sex NOW. It's pretty much a needle in a haystack proposition.
Just an everyday boyImageImagedoing everyday things
User avatar
Jzone
 
Posts: 675
+1s received: 845
Joined: 21 October 2017, 17:58
Location: USA, Washington State
Country: United States (us)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby tharindu_p » 27 December 2018, 02:56

im new to this site
tharindu_p
 
Posts: 3
Joined: 27 December 2018, 02:48

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby Mergpijp » 28 December 2018, 09:51

I know your feeling exactly and I'm the same, that's why I always meet someone for a beer or coffee first before moving to their house to have some fun. This makes it 1. So much better because it's "less awkward" and 2. The chance is quite bigger that you'll meet each other for a second hookup or become even mates. Some of the people who I met on Grindr are some of my best friends now, this may sounds weird because I also have sex with them but it isn't at all!

Also, I've had a couple of times that I chat with someone on Grindr, shared face pics and I think "Hm yea this sounds like a nice dude" and that when we meetup it's like "Hm nah I don't want to have sex with him" because he's so different.
Mergpijp
 
Posts: 43
+1s received: 68
Joined: 16 August 2018, 05:37
Location: The Netherlands
Country: Netherlands (nl)

Re: Feeling obstacles about NSA/casual sex

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 5 January 2019, 01:40

When I first saw this thread back in Nov, I didn't want to comment on it. Why? Because all I can give is my thoughts from my perspective. It doesn't change anybody's mind. Kind of like one of the lines from the Wizard of Oz. The Scarecrow asks Glinda the good witch why she didn't tell Dorothy that she always had the power to go back to Kansas on her own. Glinda's answer was that because she had to learn that for herself...

That applies to most things in life. You can give your feelings based on your own life experiences. It may or pay not ring any truths to the person you are talking to. However, I guess my better sense lost and I'm going to give my two cents anyway (more likely many cents since I type long amounts of comments when I do comment.)

From looking over your 9 or so posts, you have been in LTR's in the past and if I understand the jest of them, you felt like you got the short end of the stick. Sadly, any kind of relationship be LTR, friend, acquaintance, or even one-night stand will seldom be a 50/50 proposition. Hopefully, the percentages (whatever they be) are big enough for both so that they feel some contentment.

Nevertheless, I understand why you may desire a NSA relationship if you felt something wrong in your LTR's. Kind of like why put your hand near a flame if your history is that every time you did, you got burnt. That being said, you have to ask yourself if you would really be content with an NSA over time. Nothing is ever completely constant unless you want to throw in the idea that change seems to be somewhat of a constant. However, saying change is a constant seems like an oxymoron. I don't like change, but have learned that I don't have much control over anything -- sometimes even over myself -- such as health.

You said that you wanted:
a. Friendship or at least acquaintanceship
b. Sex
c. Safety (physical/emotional)
d. Intimacy

a) To put it bluntly, I don't fuck my friends. The gay men I have had as friends were important to be able to turn to . Sadly, too many times it was over a broken heart. It would be really WEIRD to talk about that to someone who I also fucked. It seems really cruel to talk about romantic problems with guys to a guy you have sex with. It would be like being bothered about Joe Blow's Italian cooking that you have all the time with John Doe who is also an Italian chef, but with John Doe you only eat his food once in a blue moon. I would think John Doe would be hurt that you don't consider that he might be happier if you ate his food, and forgot about Joe Blow.

As to Acquaintanceship, that is such a vaguely defined term. Is this like a tennis partner that you put in the calendar to play tennis with every other Wednesday? When I had fickle relationships (hard to clearly define just what exactly we had) , sometimes I was suck with being something like their Tuesday encounter. Back then my sex drive was very strong, and to think I had to be happy with their one appointed assigned night with me got really old.

I remember particularly one FB who limited my time with him to assigned nights. One day he told me he was concerned about the number of other partners I had. I kind of flippantly shot back, that he wasn't exclusive with me and that sometimes the assigned nights were less frequent than other times (due to his own ever expanding selection of partners). He answered with the most idiotic response I had ever heard. "Yes, but I'm monogamous with all my partners." Did he think monogamy was a board game?

Eventually, I had to end it as I got tired of being just a FB. I confess that for a long time I thought I was in love with him. However, what it really was boiled down to was that he was the best sex partner I ever had. His responses to my touch and visa versa seemed so intuitive. Contrary to popular belief a man doesn't know how to please every other man. Each man is unique in his wiring, and it takes time and effort to figure out all his buttons. We were involved on and off for years, but as good as the sex was, I was never good enough to be anything than a very compatible sex partner.

b) Sex: I don't think there is much to say here other than the obvious. As touched upon above, men are all different. Compatibility of course is important. It didn't take me very long to know what I really liked and what I didn't. To be blunt, I'm a top. Not because I'm somehow less gay, or more of a man. I'm also just average. However, the sensation of being inside a guy is the most satisfying feeling I have ever had -- even if I couldn't reach climax. I wish I was hung enough that I could fall asleep "connected" -- to feel like there had been a merger of souls. Though I'm impotent for all practical purposes now, I'm still a top in my head, and I think my lucky stars that my partner of over 16 years has put up with my failings. We are monogamous, but he gets the raw end of the deal now since I'm a sexual failure now.

c) Safety: I have no idea about physical safety. However, I read your post where you said you were close to what would be called raped at some point in your past. I guess that I'm fortunate that I have never been in such a situation. Perhaps it helps that I'm tall and can look pretty mean and intimidating when I'm in a bad mood. I recall a smaller guy once had me walk him to his car. I didn't understand, but he said smaller guys can be picked on. (My dad once said when guys are drunk, sometimes the smaller guys when drunk are the ones who get mean because they spend a lifetime feeling intimidated by the stature of bigger guys. I don't know how true it is, but that was his observation.) One time with the FB I mentioned earlier, I wanted to fuck him a third time. I didn't realize he was worn out. I saw a look of fear in his eyes, and I broke down and cried. I told him I never wanted to hurt (rape) him. I just assumed he would be in the mood again. Again, he was known for bizarre responses. He said that sex was about using another person to get off. (To this day I don't believe him. Even as a top, I wanted to make sure my partner got off too or at least enjoyed the encounter. )

On the emotional end, I have to say there is NO safety. That is the nature of life. To quote the Wizard of Oz: The Wizard told the tin man "Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable." I've had my heart broken many a times. While you would think such a person would swear off love after a few of those, striving to love and to be loved is so innate in many of us, that we still willing to try again and again -- hoping to eventually find the right person who will never break your heart. I will confess that I did become "darker" somewhat after a previous relationship ended in a way I never anticipated. After two years, a guy I was in love with and thought "was the one", told me he had never been in love with me -- rather just "fond". So to me "fond" is one of those 4 letter words that I would never use as I know the sting. As I said I'm in a relationship that has lasted over 16 years. I love my partner dearly. That being said, there was still a part of me that would occasionally think the day will come and he will leave me too. So I always held something back so that I wouldn't be devastated when it happened to me again...

Well last fall to put it bluntly -- I almost died. I was in the hospital for weeks. (It is amazing what a mosquito bite can do to some of us.) When I finally came out of sedation, there was my partner. He had been by my side every day -- only going home to take care of the animals. As we talked, he told me he was afraid he would loose me. Then he broke down and cried. My guy who way surpasses me on the masculine scale, was willing to cry over the fear of loosing me. At that point, I realized I had judged him poorly solely because of my past experiences with other guys. I no longer have that "protection" room in my heart to protect me against hurt again. If he were to leave me (most likely from death as opposed to not loving me), I would be devastated. It is a risk one has to be willing to take to prevent your heart from turning dark and/or brittle.

d) Intimacy: This will sound weird, but I got some good understanding on this topic in a gay porn mag many years ago. It was about understanding the difference between intimacy vs intensity. One example it gave was candlelight dinners are more about intensity. Intimacy is like seeing your partner drink milk straight out of the carton, and while it may annoy you, you simply accept his daily annoying flaws because you are in it together for the long haul. In the case of my partner, I'm sure I have some annoying flaws in his mind (especially my aggressive driving on the roads) just like some of mine towards him including throwing out stuff right and left without first thinking that perhaps it should be saved (such as $25.00 worth of new cheese that hadn't even been opened). Pisses me greatly, but I love MY guy. Perhaps one day I'll get him properly trained. ;)

Anyway, I think I understand why you want no-strings attached especially with lack of satisfaction in LTR's, and fear of diseases in the case of one night stands. However, I would think you would have to ask yourself if with your personality would you be happy after a time with such a relationship? I don't know your level of sexual drive. If yours is much higher than this no strings attached mate you hope to find, are you going to be upset if he wants to meet infrequently, or will you feel like you have to make up for his lack by hunting for more sex friends? Visa versa, will you be upset if he is with several other guys because being with you isn't enough to satisfy his needs?

For myself, I had such a high sex drive, but I was wired to find someone special. I never went into a "first date/encounter" with a ring in my pocket to lock the other guy in. Still, I always knew in the back of my mind that I had to assess where things might go as I got to know the individual over time. Some of them made good friends -- in which case I couldn't mix sex and friendship. Some of them were not meant to be more than a one time thing. Others were potential for much longer. Note, in the case of my partner, we chatted over a couple of months in Yahoo before we met. When we finally did, it seemed like we were locked in even though we lived 160 miles apart and didn't live together until almost a year after we met. That "moving in" may not even have happened except that he lost his job and my area had many more opportunities. So in someways it wasn't just planned, but fate played a role.

Also note that some are into poly. I don't get that at all. I was always somewhat of a loner, and whenever I was in group situations I typically became the odd man out which would make me feel more lonely than if I had simply not had that situation. I also met many who said they were in a relationship but that it was open, or the partner didn't care -- only to find out that the partner DID care, but went along with it just to save the relationship. It made me feel like a heel. I had one guy who claimed he was poly and that is why he kept me and his boyfriend as sex partners. Then one day his BF showed up at my door; he was devastated as he didn't like the sharing. The dude had told him he couldn't give me up because I was so hung. What a piece of crap. He simply liked to hurt people as I'm only average, and it was stabbing his BF in the heart to hear how hung his competition was. The BF couldn't figure out why he would be attracted to me other than being hung as I didn't dress up. Well to be honest, I couldn't figure out what the guys attraction was to the BF either. We were both in our early 30's. While the BF dressed nicely, he let his body go to crap (big beer gut, flimsy arms, etc). What good is gift wrapping (clothing) if underneath is a body that has been neglected. I dumped the guy after that as he was a CRUEL SOB to claim he was poly when he was just using me to hurt the BF needlessly... (Note as a matter of honesty, being 59 now, my body is no where near the state it was in during my early 30's. )

Finally, I don't see where being a slut can be empowering. At points in my life, I tried to fill up my life with encounters to avoid the loneliness I felt. I think of all the hours I wasted in the pursuit of finding a partner to have sex with. I think of all the times I worried about catching something -- from things like noticing I had a paper cut on my fingers, etc. It is a free country where you can do what you want. I do NOT consider it a badge of honor that I have had more partners than the average Joe Blow. There is a part of me that feels sadness, not because I consider gay sex sinful in anyway, but because I wish I knew how they all turned out. I don't want to forget them. (To me sex is the nuclear bomb of sensations and emotions, I'd like to think the encounters were something more than using them like one uses a toilet/urinal to do bodily functions.) One of the things that was my trade mark was that I physically picked guys up. I figured I wasn't the most handsome man, not the most hung man, not the most (whatever), but if I picked them up and carried them in my arms maybe they would remember me. Stupid I know, but I wanted the time together to be remembered...

With age of course the sex drive becomes more manageable, but to be honest it was the satisfaction of knowing I had an honest man who would stay by me for the long term that diminished the urgency of getting it on one more time. I knew that my partner would choose to be with ME again another day (even if part of me just assumed it would end one day). Thus I no longer had a rush to get it on one more time as though it might be the last time I'm with him.

Well I've written enough. Pursue what you want, but beware of what you are asking for, you might get it and not like it. LTR's are a big risk, but I would not trade my imperfect, but eternally lovable man for anything, even if I had a genie who could grant me my health back, my erections back, my youth back, and even throw in a huge winning lottery ticket. My guy is like a guardian angel to me -- a priceless gift in my mind.
NobodySpecial
 
Posts: 12
+1s received: 12
Joined: 19 August 2018, 01:43
Country: United States (us)


Recently active
Users browsing this forum: CommonCrawl [Bot], Eos, Midlifewotsit, poolerboy0077, Yandex [Bot] and 112 guests