Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

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Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby Rvalentine24 » 11 April 2019, 19:19

I’ve been with my bf for 3 years now. I was 22 and he was 27 when we got together. I never had a bf before, just plenty of sexual encounters thru Grindr before i met him. Ever since we’ve been together, i have done every and anything for him. He never asked for any of this, but i stopped talking to close friends (even lost one best friend), stopped hanging out with them, started leaving work early, stopped seeing family as much and everything just to be with him and spend time with him. I even stopped working out to spend as much time as possible with him. There have been issues in the relationship, two of the most notable issues being that he is in the closet, he comes from a traditional Mexican family so it is not okay to be gay. I have been introduced as his friend, which took a while to get to that point. No posts about us on social media, im not even allowed to be in a picture with him (not even the background). The second issue that has me so frustrated is that i am 10 times more sexual than he is. I want sex at least twice a week, we have it about two or three times a month (lately once a month) and on top of that, i am never satisfied during sex. When we first met we defined roles, me the bottom and him the top, and within the past two years ive been asking to switch it up a bit but he has no desire to. A year ago, we made a move to LA, something i knew in my heart i didnt want, but because i am so in love with him, i did it and it has been a miserable year for me. I have no friends here, ive jumped across three jobs because none are like my old job, and i just feel so alone here. I have an opportunity to go back home to Las Vegas after recently telling him about my frustrations and how i hate it here, and he has given me his full support to leave, however for some reason, i just cant do it even tho it is what i want. I want to be back home, i want to go back to having exciting and actual sex more than twice a month, im 24 and barely have sex. I also have been so in partner mode that i haven’t experienced a lot of things young people do like concerts, going to clubs etc because he is over all of that now at almost 30. Why cant i leave if this is what my heart wants and i have his approval? Am i scared to possibly end something good for something bad?
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Re: Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 11 April 2019, 19:37

First off, you're not ending something good for something bad, because you're already living something bad. The first red flag and the biggest mistake you've made was to give up everything you had in your life for your relationship. You can't do that. Ever. Giving up your personal life and the things you have that are yours leaves you lost and without a personality of your own. It's just not healthy and it's not sustainable, because later on, you'd want to be alone at times, or with friends that are yours, but you wouldn't be able to. You've grown distant from your family, so you don't have anyone to fall back to when you're in trouble. All terrible decisions.

Those awful decisions can also lead to a lot of resentment because he's not required to come out and show you off due to all of the sacrifices you've made for him. You don't get a trade-off. You shouldn't have cut your social life off and he doesn't owe you anything because you did it. From another angle, however, dating someone who isn't out and won't own up to their relationship also isn't really healthy or fun, especially when you have already taken that step. It can be easy if both have the same issue, but you deserve more. Hidden love sounds exciting for teenagers, but real love, where everyone gets to see it, is much more rewarding for a long term relationship.

Now you have issues with the city you've moved to and the sex isn't frequent or exciting as you'd want it to be. That's the nail in the coffin, buddy. He won't have more sex to quell your frustrations, everyone has their own drive and sometimes they simply aren't compatible. Plus, if you let time pass and don't work on yourself (career path, education, healthy social circle, self-esteem), it might be too late at some point, and you'll end up having owed everything to him, without anything to show for yourself.

Get out while you can. You're 24. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone better for you. He won't be the last person who'll love you in your life, you can be a lot happier than you are and he's giving you the go-ahead to do it. Don't waste the opportunity. You'll feel sorry later if you do. And I need to stress this: you're not possibly ending something good for something bad, you should end something bad for new possibilities in life. And NEVER make the same mistake of destroying your individual life for someone else. If you do, things will always backfire and it'll always end up in heartache.
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Re: Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby Rvalentine24 » 11 April 2019, 21:03

Eryx wrote:First off, you're not ending something good for something bad, because you're already living something bad. The first red flag and the biggest mistake you've made was to give up everything you had in your life for your relationship. You can't do that. Ever. Giving up your personal life and the things you have that are yours leaves you lost and without a personality of your own. It's just not healthy and it's not sustainable, because later on, you'd want to be alone at times, or with friends that are yours, but you wouldn't be able to. You've grown distant from your family, so you don't have anyone to fall back to when you're in trouble. All terrible decisions.

Those awful decisions can also lead to a lot of resentment because he's not required to come out and show you off due to all of the sacrifices you've made for him. You don't get a trade-off. You shouldn't have cut your social life off and he doesn't owe you anything because you did it. From another angle, however, dating someone who isn't out and won't own up to their relationship also isn't really healthy or fun, especially when you have already taken that step. It can be easy if both have the same issue, but you deserve more. Hidden love sounds exciting for teenagers, but real love, where everyone gets to see it, is much more rewarding for a long term relationship.

Now you have issues with the city you've moved to and the sex isn't frequent or exciting as you'd want it to be. That's the nail in the coffin, buddy. He won't have more sex to quell your frustrations, everyone has their own drive and sometimes they simply aren't compatible. Plus, if you let time pass and don't work on yourself (career path, education, healthy social circle, self-esteem), it might be too late at some point, and you'll end up having owed everything to him, without anything to show for yourself.

Get out while you can. You're 24. There's plenty of time for you to meet someone better for you. He won't be the last person who'll love you in your life, you can be a lot happier than you are and he's giving you the go-ahead to do it. Don't waste the opportunity. You'll feel sorry later if you do. And I need to stress this: you're not possibly ending something good for something bad, you should end something bad for new possibilities in life. And NEVER make the same mistake of destroying your individual life for someone else. If you do, things will always backfire and it'll always end up in heartache.


Thank you so much for the advice. What you said is very similar to what my other friends have said to me, especially the ones that want our friendship to be as close as it once was. I think what I'm afraid of is that I may have just gotten to a point in our relationship where all I'm focusing on is the negative things. I try to explain this to my friends and because I only vent to them about the negative things, they only see these things. The sex is not good, he is not out to hardly anyone, and that I don't want to be here in LA. They don't hear about the good, about how he is always there for me when I need him, how he cares about me, how he is very sweet and kind, they don't understand his family and how strict they are about being gay. I never talk about those things and how as partners, we really do work well together.

I have tried to figure out how I can make myself happier without making the drastic move of breaking up and moving back home. I've thought of ways to make sex better that he is willing to try, however we still have yet to try them. He definitely is not willing to be more sexual, he says that his body just doesn't want it as much as I do so I truly do not know what to do about that. Sex and masturbation are two different things and I have learned that masturbation is not enough for me. An open relationship is out of the question, so I am not sure what to do about that. If we aren't a sexual match, is it possible for us to be happy together when I crave sex more than he does? I do get afraid that one day I will get to the point where I will search for what I'm not getting outside of our relationship.

LA to me is not home and I'm having a hard time trying to make it home. The biggest reason is simply because I have no friends or family here so everything that I do is just with him. I have thought of ways that I can make friends, I just have not acted on them. THIS is another reason I am scared to end things, because I worry that I did not try hard enough to make it work. And concerts, parties, everything that people do when they're young, I feel that I can still have this and travel to Vegas or even here when I have friends. I guess I just feel that I've missed out on so much of it that I need to do it all the time, but once I get it out of my system, I know I will miss the stability and peacefulness of our relationship.

There is one more issue that I am not sure how to handle. You give really good advice so i want to get all my feelings out there and get the best advice possible. I am finding that I am growing more and more attracted to other men. Buff men, men of different ethnicities, different backgrounds, its just endless how many men I find myself very attracted to and I was not this way in the beginning of our relationship. I worry about this as well, and I know that if I were single, this would be okay and completely normal, but I'm not.
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Re: Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 11 April 2019, 22:38

The thing about feeling attracted to other guys is normal after some time dating, and it's made worse by the fact that you're not getting as much sex as your body is telling you it needs. This can build up and turn to frustration, so I think you really need to think about where you're standing with it right now.

In my first relationship, I was living in Rio with my ex-boyfriend and there were a lot of negative things too. Some guys here on this forum saw it happen. I kept telling myself the same thing as you — that I can't keep thinking only about the negatives, that he was caring and affectionate when we were doing well, that we had beautiful plans together. But that all didn't matter in the end, because I was still unhappy with the things that couldn't be fixed, and the bad only got worse and worse.

I broke it off with him a couple of times, and every time I did it, it's like all the negative stuff vanished from my mind and I could only remember our good moments. That was quite the trap, however, because after we got back together, all of those things came rushing back into our lives and I couldn't help but think I had made a mistake.

There's no middle ground for this, buddy. It's alright to not be happy about your life and your own achievements, like your living arrangement and how many friends you have, what kind of people they are and which venues you've been going to. Those are all things people can fix and make better if they go after it. But if you're not happy with important aspects of your relationship, if you dislike LA but he likes it, if you feel bad about having to hide things and he doesn't want to risk his family's relations on account of it, I can guarantee you that those problems will grow and you're only going to become more frustrated.

It's up to you, though. You and he are the only people who really know what your relationship is like. You came to ask for opinions, and my personal opinion is that this won't work and that you're better off saving you both some time and looking for greener pastures. But if you can make it work to a point where you can finally say that you're happy with him and how everything is, then all the power to you.
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Re: Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby Rvalentine24 » 14 April 2019, 17:04

Eryx wrote:The thing about feeling attracted to other guys is normal after some time dating, and it's made worse by the fact that you're not getting as much sex as your body is telling you it needs. This can build up and turn to frustration, so I think you really need to think about where you're standing with it right now.

In my first relationship, I was living in Rio with my ex-boyfriend and there were a lot of negative things too. Some guys here on this forum saw it happen. I kept telling myself the same thing as you — that I can't keep thinking only about the negatives, that he was caring and affectionate when we were doing well, that we had beautiful plans together. But that all didn't matter in the end, because I was still unhappy with the things that couldn't be fixed, and the bad only got worse and worse.

I broke it off with him a couple of times, and every time I did it, it's like all the negative stuff vanished from my mind and I could only remember our good moments. That was quite the trap, however, because after we got back together, all of those things came rushing back into our lives and I couldn't help but think I had made a mistake.

There's no middle ground for this, buddy. It's alright to not be happy about your life and your own achievements, like your living arrangement and how many friends you have, what kind of people they are and which venues you've been going to. Those are all things people can fix and make better if they go after it. But if you're not happy with important aspects of your relationship, if you dislike LA but he likes it, if you feel bad about having to hide things and he doesn't want to risk his family's relations on account of it, I can guarantee you that those problems will grow and you're only going to become more frustrated.

It's up to you, though. You and he are the only people who really know what your relationship is like. You came to ask for opinions, and my personal opinion is that this won't work and that you're better off saving you both some time and looking for greener pastures. But if you can make it work to a point where you can finally say that you're happy with him and how everything is, then all the power to you.


You have been so helpful with all of this, thank you for giving me your thoughts and your opinions on this. I love learning and hearing from someone who has experienced what I am going through. I was going to message you but i think others could benefit from my situation.

To be honest, I feel like I have checked out of the relationship. Days have passed since this post and I told him I would stay and basically force myself to try to make things workout and I haven’t been doing that. While trying to make myself happy here, i’ve done yoga classes to meet new people, we’ve met up with two friends we made when we adopted a kitten from them, and we’ve gone to the beach and hiking and whale watching since then and I still don’t feel like staying is the right choice.

Now, I feel like I am staying purely for financial reasons, because I have spent my last paycheck on rent and bills here in California and I unfortunately did not build up a savings before this. I have a little under $400 and now no job waiting for me in Vegas as I turned it down once I decided to stay. I basically have screwed myself, yet I still feel that I can make it work with the little bit of money that I do have and work my way back to being financially stable in Vegas.

The true problem is that like you said, EVERY time I make the decision to go and I plan or even pack like I did two days ago, every negative thing goes away and I make myself out to be the bad guy that is leaving his boyfriend because he wants more sex, more experiences and he wants to be known to the people that matter in his partner’s life. I feel selfish and I feel like i’m gonna hurt him for almost no reason so then I stay and convince myself I can make it work and it is better to stay and be financially stable. What would you do in my situation? Stay and give it another genuine try while building up a savings, or go to Vegas and find a job or two asap and struggle for a couple weeks and then get back on my feet and move on with my life?
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Re: Fighting with myself over ending 3 year relationship

Unread postby sdspage1989 » 21 April 2019, 19:23

WOW as I was reading your post I thought it was my bf writing. I am basically in the same relationship as you and I must say that personally I feel like shot when my bf complains about the same issues that you complain about. I have tried to make some changes in our relationship because I dont want to lose him and what we have. You should really question him regarding the reasons why he is not coming put of the closet and whether he has any plans to do it at some point. In my case I sort of depend economically still from my parents and Im waiting to graduate to drop the bomb without worrying about my finances at least. You should also try to reconnect with your friends, my bf did the same as you but I never asked for that. Now I feel guilty if I spend time with my own friends because he doesnt have any friends anymore.

I just think relationships are all about balance and trying to compromise. Your should both have your own social circle and he needs to come out to his family at some point, otherwise you will always live in the shadows and your will resent him in the future. You should address this with him and if he is not willing to do that (unless he has an actual reason) for you maybe its time to leave.

It was definitely insightful for me to read someone with my bfs perspective
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