Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

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Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

Unread postby cherrybear000 » 2 May 2019, 05:29

So this is more of a serious and debate-based topic, but it's something that I can't really stop thinking about. So, here it goes :/

A group of my friends and I went out to get some sushi. We're sitting around, had a few drinks, and had an overall good time. At one point in our conversations, the topic came up regarding how "gay" each person in the group was. The group decided to collectively rank each person based on their relative gayness to each other. This was all done in good fun, and no one was outright trying to be homophobic or malicious.

Already knowing that I was probably going to be at the top of the list, being the flamboyant LGBT man I am, it didn't really phase me.

So when the results came up, surprise, surprise, I was number one. But that isn't really what this is about.

What this IS about is the person ranked number 4.

This friend calls himself bisexual because he can find some men attractive. In other words, he can acknowledge that some men are hot. However, he said he would not want to sleep with another person of the male gender.

For some reason, this really didn't sit well with me. Maybe he just didn't give a holistic / clear response. Maybe he just wasn't wording stuff correctly. But in the end, I thought this was a (forgive my language) crock of shit.

As a gay man, I too can acknowledge that women, including the illustrious Naomi Campbell, are downright stunning. However, having gone through the motions of finding my own sexuality, I know that this is JUST acknowledging attractiveness, and doesn't define my identity.

So I come to you guys. Was he in the wrong, or am I just being unreasonable and too presumptuous ? Is there a difference between Gay Attraction and Gay Identity? Clearly I think so, but let's see what the forum thinks :)
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Re: Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

Unread postby Prince_G_24 » 2 May 2019, 11:28

He doesn’t sound like it to me, but I can’t read his mind to look at his feelings so I’d say it could all just be his preference. Kinda like how some straight guys like women but will only bang women of a certain race or body type. He could like both, but only sleeps with women.
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Re: Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

Unread postby Victor_Laszlo » 4 May 2019, 14:18

I think everyone can tell what is attractive and not. Just most dont talk about it in fear they will be perceived as being homosexual.

I dont think your friend is bisexual at all. Just comfortable enough to discuss what he finds attractive in other males. He may just be identifying as bisexual to feel more comfortable in the group. But he sounds pretty straight to me.

Just thinking someone of the same sex is attractive doesnt make you homosexual.
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Re: Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 4 May 2019, 19:33

I don't think merely acknowledging that someone is attractive means you are sexually interested in them.

I'm seriously like a 99 on the Kinsey Scale, I am absolutely exclusively sexually interested in men and have zero interest in women. However I can still tell an attractive, beautiful woman when I see one just from an aesthetic stand point.

I don't think beauty and sexiness is subjective though, at least not in terms of finding like facial symmetry, good facial proportions and fit-looking bodies attractive. That's why it's easy to spot a conventionally attractive person even if you might not be personally individually interested in them. Almost everyone finds those qualities attractive, even within their more specific "type" they might have.
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Re: Gay Attraction vs Gay Identity

Unread postby NobodySpecial » 18 May 2019, 12:02

You stated that this was a group of friends. If his answer bothered you, yet he is a friend. I think it would be best to let it rest for a while. Then when you are no longer strongly bothered by it, then calmly ask him that you would like some clarification on what he meant.

Realize that some of these questions are (and rightly so) very personal. To try to put pre-defined "labels" on something as basic as sexuality is a dis-service to the individual. It is a short-cut to getting to actually know that intimate part of another human being.

Now for myself, if one were to put on a label most who know my private life would say gay. However, that really doesn't do justice. Some discussions on the topic separate romantic desire from physical/sexual desire. On the physical desire, I've never been attracted to penises. Sure I can see a big impressive one, but I wish that were my tool -- not that I want to play with it or want it in me.

What attracts me to some men is masculinity (not to be confused with being a jerk), muscles, hairiness, etc. -- all things that are more secondary characteristics of being male.

On the romantic side, I'm VERY much into wanting a man's love. Long story short, from my life's history, I've always felt that without a man's love, something was missing. This could be do to dealing with loss of males (like my grandpa who helped raise me but died when I was 7.5), or leaving (such as a cousin who left after a few months when I was 4.5), or right down mean (such as my Dad who I lived with from 11-14.5).

Now for females, I am not grossed out by the female form. It is just that especially with my strong need for the romance of a guy, that it doesn't rise to the level to act upon it.

I'm happily in a monogamous relationship for over 16 years. I love hims as he is. I love his penis -- not because I desire it or crave it, but because it is part of him. That being said if I were a creator, I would have created a human being with all the characteristics of a male, but with a vagina. Now I know all about trans. I'm not talking about that. Most (but not all) transmen tend to look boyish, and tend to be smaller in stature, etc. I've always wished I could impregnate a man. As much as I love penetrating guys, and a vagina would play into such a strong desire.

As for "gay Identity", realize that there is a social as well as political aspect to it. There are individual gay identifying guys who are great. However, as a group, it is very hard to want to identify as one. You have some on the extreme right who I cannot relate to -- such as the Italian designers that didn't think gays should raise children. Likewise, on the left, I cannot related to some of the attitudes. For instance, I couldn't care less about whether m2m desire is genetic, environmental, or some combination. Why? Because, I don't think it would be so horrible if someone simply fell in love with another human being of the same gender. I don't need a genetic reason for loving a particular individual.

So again, in summary. Wait until it isn't strongly on your mind, then ask your friend to clarify. The important lesson is if he doesn't want to "sleep with another man", simply know that it is where his head is at at least for now, and that guys with romantic longings for another guy should avoid any romantic pursuits with such a guy as they would simply have their heart broken.

Finally, part of the reason I check this board out is because the board I typically get on, has a strong component of those who label themselves as "crave cock, but not men". Even when I was younger and had a VERY huge (and working) sex drive, I would never want someone who just was interested in my penis. I wanted to be desired and cared for. I wasn't looking for a vacuum cleaner to simply suck me dry. For the most part I simply ignore them, but I find such guys very shallow.
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