Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

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Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

Unread postby spiritneverdies13 » 13 September 2020, 10:56

Hey there! Me and my boyfriend (been together for 8 years) started experimenting with threesomes a few months ago and one of our hookup ended up like friendship. Now we have this common friend with benefits that we spend a lot of time with and do sexual stuff on the side. The third guy is a married guy that spends a lot of time abroad and is going back to his country in 2 months. When we have sex it's always the three of us.

I started feeling a bit left out at one moment when I saw my boyfriend having a separate chat on his phone with the other guy where they share how good they feel about each other and how they like each other sexually. I started feeling like the connection my boyfriend has with this guy is far more intimate than the one I create with him and that makes me feel confused and bad.

I discussed these thoughts with them and they told me that it's not like that and it's just me feeling this way but it's like I'm still looking for signs to prove my point and I always tend to find stuff that makes me feel bad (for example, how much the third guy looks like he's enjoying my boyfriend's kisses and how he doesn't seem to like kissing me, etc). I understand that I may be wrong with the way I react but I feel like I need some time to build this trust in the situation. My boyfriend says that it's weird that I react with jealousy and that my behaviour is extremely toxic and is going to ruin this friendship. I'm trying to understand myself psychologically and the way I react and feel and understand how this friendship can continue growing without changing the rules but with me feeling a bit more confident and relaxed with all the stuff that's happening. Do you guys have any advice?
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Re: Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

Unread postby abbaby123 » 13 September 2020, 14:06

I believe it's highly progressive when you reach to a point that you are comfortable with a threesome, yet there's always something that disturbs you as the insecurity of the lack of exclusivity crops up. Give it time, in case the level of insecurity disturbs you further stop indulging into it and communicate it to your partner.
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Re: Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

Unread postby René » 13 September 2020, 15:46

I'm curious, is what you and your boyfriend feel for the third guy and vice versa just sexual and friendly or do you feel a deeper connection?

There are some interesting parallels between the situation you're in and the relationship that has developed between my husband, myself and a third guy we had a threesome with 6 months ago (I described this experience in some detail here and followed up on it later on in that thread, in case you're interested), except:
  • my husband and I already knew we were polyamorous;
  • we turned out to have a lot in common with this guy and the night we hooked up we also cuddled a lot, played a board game together and spooned as we fell asleep, and we pretty much all fell for each other;
  • it felt like he instantly became our boyfriend rather than a hookup or a friend with benefits;
  • we've only grown closer since, spent almost 70 days and nights together by this point, and we're realised that we love this guy and see real potential for a future with him; and
  • although our third guy likewise clearly has a more powerful sexual connection with my husband than he does with me and clearly enjoys things like kissing a lot more with him than with me, I'm okay with that and we do have a huge amount of affection for each other and care about each other, and both my husband and our boyfriend clearly do their best to include me during sex and make sure I get off and stuff like that, and the boyfriend always cuddles up to me in the night and is always holding both our hands, including grabbing both our hands when we go on walks together. :3
    There doesn't seem to be any jealousy among us, and when I see them being intimate I just feel happy that the two guys I love make each other happy. :heart:
Hence my original question. I wonder if you can relate to my position at all and if there might be any similarly deeper feelings and the potential for something like this to develop between the three of you. (Obviously complicated by the fact that your third guy is married, but presumably he and his spouse have some kind of understanding that permits this stuff. Perhaps they consider themselves polyamorous but have other partners separately and that works for them.)

The thing is... IMO if this is a fundamentally monogamous context, the feelings of jealousy and insecurity you describe having are quite natural and understandable, not toxic. But I feel like the way your boyfriend experiences the situation is really more polyamorous in nature, and in that context, what he's been saying makes sense.

Obviously you guys need to figure out together what this thing between you is and how you're going to handle it and how it makes sense to feel about it, but I hope what I've written is helpful. :hug:

Good luck! Let us know what happens! :keke:
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Re: Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

Unread postby spiritneverdies13 » 13 September 2020, 16:43

René wrote:I'm curious, is what you and your boyfriend feel for the third guy and vice versa just sexual and friendly or do you feel a deeper connection?

There are some interesting parallels between the situation you're in and the relationship that has developed between my husband, myself and a third guy we had a threesome with 6 months ago (I described this experience in some detail here and followed up on it later on in that thread, in case you're interested), except:
  • my husband and I already knew we were polyamorous;
  • we turned out to have a lot in common with this guy and the night we hooked up we also cuddled a lot, played a board game together and spooned as we fell asleep, and we pretty much all fell for each other;
  • it felt like he instantly became our boyfriend rather than a hookup or a friend with benefits;
  • we've only grown closer since, spent almost 70 days and nights together by this point, and we're realised that we love this guy and see real potential for a future with him; and
  • although the third guy likewise clearly has a more powerful sexual connection with my husband than he does with me and clearly enjoys things like kissing a lot more with him than with me, I'm okay with that and we do have a huge amount of affection for each other and care about each other, and both my husband and our boyfriend do clearly do their best to include me during sex and make sure I get off and stuff like that, and the boyfriend always cuddles up to me in the night and is always holding both our hands, including grabbing both our hands when we go on walks together. :3
    There doesn't seem to be any jealousy among us, and when I see them being intimate I just feel happy that the two guys I love make each other happy. :heart:
Hence my original question. I wonder if you can relate to my position at all and if there might be any similarly deeper feelings and the potential for something like this to develop between the three of you. (Obviously complicated by the fact that your third guy is married, but presumably he and his spouse have some kind of understanding that permits this stuff. Perhaps they consider themselves polyamorous but have other partners separately and that works for them.)

The thing is... IMO if this is a fundamentally monogamous context, the feelings of jealousy and insecurity you describe having are quite natural and understandable, not toxic. But I feel like the way your boyfriend experiences the situation is really more polyamorous in nature, and in that context, what he's been saying makes sense.

Obviously you guys need to figure out together what this thing between you is and how you're going to handle it and how it makes sense to feel about it, but I hope what I've written is helpful. :hug:

Good luck! Let us know what happens! :keke:


Thanks for sharing your experience! It sounds so cute and I'm happy that things are working out for you.

I do find some parallels in our situations as well but it's a bit more complicated than that:

- Once we started experimenting with threesomes we made sure that we weren't looking for a boyfriend or anything. We haven't discussed any changes to that.
- We kinda feel a deeper connection to him but we aren't sure if it's on romantic level. I mean, we spend a lot of time together. We haven't had such connection on an emotional level with any other guy we've hooked up with before. He has stayed over and slept in our bed more than 5 times in 3 weeks now. We are going to restaurants and walks together, we make plans about what we can do together in the future and we enjoy getting to know each other. Most of the time that we're not together, we're communicating through a chat in Viber that includes the 3 of us. And we flirt a lot. It's clear to me that that's not what most hookups or friends with benefits do.
- The third guy told us that this is the first time he does anything like this in his relationship and his spouce doesn't even know about it. Which is kinda weird, of course, but it's a situation in progress and I try to not overthink it. He also made sure that he can't take this more seriously since he's married and that has to be clear to us.
- He's leaving for his country in November and we feel like this going to be very difficult for us emotionally if we continue growing attached to him. The good thing is he's visiting our country (which is his home-country actually) at least once-twice a year (for 2-3 months) and he's looking to buy an apartment here.
- When I discussed all that stuff alone with my boyfriend, he said to me "let's not put labels on everything, let's just enjoy the good times and that's it".
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Re: Gay couple with a friend with benefits - Need advice

Unread postby René » 13 September 2020, 17:09

spiritneverdies13 wrote:Thanks for sharing your experience! It sounds so cute and I'm happy that things are working out for you.

:keke:

spiritneverdies13 wrote:Most of the time that we're not together, we're communicating through a chat in Viber that includes the 3 of us.

Haha, same (except our group chat is on Facebook Messenger). We talk every day when we're apart, often starting just with one of us saying good morning.

spiritneverdies13 wrote:It's clear to me that that's not what most hookups or friends with benefits do.

That's close to something I said to our guy — the first morning we woke up together, he kissed both of us goodbye before leaving for work. I was like "This isn't a normal thing after a hookup, is it?". He responded something like "Haha, no, it's not. I'm just weird." I told him "You're not weird. You're awesome." :D

(My husband and I had never done a hookup before in our whole lives or even had sex of any kind with anyone but each other. To this day, neither of us has ever had sex with anyone outside this group of 3, and our guy hasn't had sex with anyone but us ever since he met us. :3)

spiritneverdies13 wrote:- The third guy told us that this is the first time he does anything like this in his relationship and his spouce doesn't even know about it. Which is kinda weird, of course, but it's a situation in progress and I try to not overthink it. He also made sure that he can't take this more seriously since he's married and that has to be clear to us.

That's a shame. So I guess he's been cheating.

spiritneverdies13 wrote:- He's leaving for his country in November and we feel like this going to be very difficult for us emotionally if we continue growing attached to him. The good thing is he's visiting our country (which is his home-country actually) at least once-twice a year (for 2-3 months) and he's looking to buy an apartment here.
- When I discussed all that stuff alone with my boyfriend, he said to me "let's not put labels on everything, let's just enjoy the good times and that's it".

More parallels, haha.

My husband and I live in Scotland and our boyfriend is in the US (which is also where my husband was born and holds citizenship). We've been flying over to see him for just over a month at a time. (He would have flown over to see us too by now if it wasn't for the pandemic and America being a terrible country that doesn't give workers any guaranteed paid time off.)

And my husband was initially also saying things like "let's just enjoy the time we spend with him and let that be it". But I saw right away that it could be so much more, and I was right. :D

It's a shame things aren't that simple in your case, but maybe my perspective helps a little bit to cast the stuff you've been having negative feelings about in a different light.
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