Hard times

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Hard times

Unread postby Struggling28 » 9 August 2019, 19:38

So, here it goes. I first wanted to explore having sex with men back in 2011 when i was 20, but was intrigued by watch shemale porn even before 2011. There was just something about a man and his penis that i had to find out what it was like. So back to 2011, i met an older gentleman over craigslist and we met up at a hotel one night. I was really nervous but really wanted this to happen all at the same time. He tried to get me to relax by putting his arms around me and slowly rubbing my leg. After a few moments, i finally got up the courage to undo his pants and feel my very first penis through his underwear. It was such a rush of excitement and nerves that i reached in and started stroking him. Then stroking turned into giving him a bj. Then one thing led to another and he topped me. It was uncomfortable mostly because of nerves but i liked it overall. After that, i started craving it more and more, however, i didnt meet up with guys very often because i would chicken out. I have only have had maybe 6 other encounters since then and i feel like i didnt explore enough before i got married. Im struggling with these cravings that i get and all i can do is watch porn and masterbate until the cravings subside. I like the physical contact of another man but i dont see myself getting in a relationship with one. So right now i guess i would call myself bi. Anyone else in my position?
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby Eryx » 9 August 2019, 19:43

Probably a lot of people... I don't know what to tell you. Relationships with men aren't that different, to be honest. If you feel like you'd crave women if you were dating a man, and you crave men while you're married to a woman, then that means you need to learn to control those urges, maybe through therapy? However, if you feel like you wouldn't miss a woman if you were just hooking up with guys, then maybe you've made the wrong choice for yourself.

I personally don't believe it when people say "I like having sex with men/women, but wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them." I think that's a way to rationalize them not being completely comfortable with their feelings. Relationships are much more similar with both genders than sex. I feel like guys who love getting with guys but don't see themselves dating one are just scared about how they would be perceived if they went through it. But I could be wrong :shrug:
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby Struggling28 » 9 August 2019, 19:50

That makes sense. I guess that makes me a very confused person and complicated.
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby Jzone » 9 August 2019, 21:14

Welcome to the forum, Struggling—

Struggling28 wrote:That makes sense. I guess that makes me a very confused person and complicated.

Most people are either confused, complicated, or both. The trick is learning how to enjoy that. "If you're not confused, you're not paying attention." -Tom Peters

At your age, I was married to a woman, knew I was also attracted to guys, and had never explored sexually with a man. I stayed married and loyal for 20 years, raised two great kids (now adults), and after divorce explored both sex and relationships with men. My wife knew from the start, so at least it was something we could talk about. I think she was actually a little surprised when I told her after our divorce that I had never strayed with a guy during our marriage.

I think your experience is much more common than you imagine. All I can suggest is that you keep your sex life with your wife as active and fulfilling as you can. (Of course, it takes two...) Being in a committed relationship is a life choice which comes with benefits and compromises. If you try to stay in a relationship while secretly desiring or exploring other options; that will make you crazy.

Good luck—
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby Struggling28 » 9 August 2019, 21:19

Thanks for the assist. I will remember that.
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby Eryx » 12 August 2019, 01:52

Jzone wrote:Welcome to the forum, Struggling—

Most people are either confused, complicated, or both. The trick is learning how to enjoy that. "If you're not confused, you're not paying attention." -Tom Peters

At your age, I was married to a woman, knew I was also attracted to guys, and had never explored sexually with a man. I stayed married and loyal for 20 years, raised two great kids (now adults), and after divorce explored both sex and relationships with men. My wife knew from the start, so at least it was something we could talk about. I think she was actually a little surprised when I told her after our divorce that I had never strayed with a guy during our marriage.

I think your experience is much more common than you imagine. All I can suggest is that you keep your sex life with your wife as active and fulfilling as you can. (Of course, it takes two...) Being in a committed relationship is a life choice which comes with benefits and compromises. If you try to stay in a relationship while secretly desiring or exploring other options; that will make you crazy.

Good luck—
Such an awesome reply... You're a great guy!
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Re: Hard times

Unread postby JoiningHandsCoach » 14 August 2019, 15:59

The situation you are in is super common; I coach gay and questioning men and help them through transitions such as accepting their own sexualities and coming out, and I would say a solid percentage of my clients have stories very similar to yours.

The terminology one would typically use to describe your sexuality varies to an extent based on how much you enjoy sexual and romantic intimacy with men and women. From what you have said, it sounds like you might prefer romantic relationships with women, but prefer sexual relationships with men. This would make you heteroflexible. You might also consider yourself to be heteroromantic, but homoflexible sexually (meaning that you actually prefer men sexually, but are willing to be with a woman to meet your emotional needs).

It is important to remember that labels should always be the start of a conversation, not the end of the conversation. Labels can be helpful for clarifying your thinking about what activities you enjoy and with whom, but don't allow the label to define you or limit you in any way. Your limits and what you are willing to do with men and women are ultimately yours to decide.

Hope that helps you figure things out a bit!
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