Husband Never Initiates Sex

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Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Botanical Boy » 16 October 2019, 08:15

Hi guys,

I'm here looking for a bit of advice.

Me and my husband have been in a relationship for 12 years, married for 2. Overall we are very happy and work well as a pair however there has been a reoccurring problem, certainly in the last 4-5 years.

My husband is a reserved person and as such there is a inherent inhibition about expressing himself or doing anything socially/romantically... daring?

I have quite a strong sex-drive and I am used to us not having the same libido however being turned down frequently for sex, or it always being me that initiates it, gets to be quite soul destroying over time.

I am a good communicator and I make my husband aware of how I feel and that it has at times before resulted in me becoming quite self-conscious and ask questions like:

    Does he still find me attractive?
    Do I need to lose weight?
    Am I imagining this?
    Am I being unreasonable?

When faced with these questions in above order is Yes, No, No and No - so he's certainly aware of my worries. What he doesn't do is much to address my concerns.

I have done a bit of a test before, by not initiating sex for a period of 2 weeks and it meant nothing at all happened in all of that time.

I'm quite active on social media and I had guys commenting on selfies etc who were a bit more upfront that they found me attractive/sexy and I have traded nudes and the like with these guys. I should say that I'm not proud of this at all however at the time I really enjoyed being told that they found me sexy or wanted to do things to me. I am one of those people that have grown to crave this because of it lacking at home.

My husband noticed a change in my behaviour at the time which led to him knowing all about what I was up to. He was upset about this although when I explained my motivations again, it came back to the points I raise every 6 months or so. I said that I regretted doing it but when you're in that situation, he could understand why I was tempted into acting in that way.

Even after 12 years I find my husband so so so attractive. When we do have sex, it's great - he's engaged, clearly loves what I do and I enjoy what I get in return. I just have to carry on and on and on trying until I catch him in the mood which makes me feel awful.

Part of you, even as the more dominant partner, wants to be thrown against a wall sometimes and just had. That desperation/passion/fire is hard to replace and at the moment it's all too one-sided.

I want this part of our relationship to be much healthier as frankly, everything else is great and it almost doesn't make sense to me that we are so far apart with this.

Any advice that could be given would be greatly appreciated as it is starting to eat away at me. :(
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Eryx » 16 October 2019, 12:10

Have you ever gone to couple's therapy? Maybe it could help. I don't think there are too many people in relationships that have gone for as long as yours, but I imagine that it's a common issue. Sometimes, one of the two people in a couple will simply not have the sex-drive as the other anymore, and other solutions need to come up.

About the weight thing, if there are places where you think you can improve, do it for yourself anyway, regardless of whether he'd like that for you or not. Some people really struggle to be upfront about that stuff, and being a little more active and keeping everything "up" can never hurt.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Botanical Boy » 16 October 2019, 12:53

Eryx wrote:Have you ever gone to couple's therapy? Maybe it could help. I don't think there are too many people in relationships that have gone for as long as yours, but I imagine that it's a common issue. Sometimes, one of the two people in a couple will simply not have the sex-drive as the other anymore, and other solutions need to come up.

About the weight thing, if there are places where you think you can improve, do it for yourself anyway, regardless of whether he'd like that for you or not. Some people really struggle to be upfront about that stuff, and being a little more active and keeping everything "up" can never hurt.


Thanks Eryx I appreciate the support.

No we haven't had any kind of counselling/therapy and I guess it isn't something I considered. I am concerned that if we start down a path of therapy, it could never recover. At the same time I don't want to risk losing his trust again by exploring other avenues. My fear is that it would confirm that things will never change/improve?

And on weight - I actually lost 3 stone a few years ago - that was predominantly for me but it also showed me that it didn't change anything about my husband's feelings towards me - it didn't make him want to have sex with me more often but it's hard not to think of these things when trying to rationalise and find the reason why this is all happening.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Jzone » 16 October 2019, 23:29

Botanical Boy wrote:My fear is that it would confirm that things will never change/improve?

That sounds a lot like denial. Sorry if that's a bit harsh. If your reason for not seeking therapy is that it might confirm what is actually happening, you may just be prolonging an uncomfortable situation. Of course, I don't know enough about your relationship to say anything definitive. A good couples therapist would help you both express yourselves and listen to the other while hopefully creating the possibility of moving forward in a new way together. If what you hear from each other is not what either of you wants then knowing that is probably best, even if it is a scary thing to face.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby NvM » 17 October 2019, 16:05

I think today the OP should buy a card that says; "i find you sooo attractive" and present to this to his husband. Do it. Write it on the bathroom mirror tomorrow. Every time he looks at you say it.

You need to repair the lost TRUST. Trust is very difficult to re claim and often you will have to accept that the relationship is permanently changed because of what YOU did. It dosnt matter how or why you were cheating you entered into a contract tho the contract now seems one sided.

I would find some free counseling to start and see if it works. Dependent on your income levels you might consider taking a vacation that is couples counseling inclusive. Accept that every one's life will need a tune up eventually.

Does he do it by himself. If not maybe there is a clinical issue, alcoholism, depression, abuse. I think it reasonable to ask a husband for a blow job and get one on the spot. Maybe it is not mutual but keeps you off the internet. Talk to him if he is willing to set this up.

after both you two come home after work sit down and talk COMMUNICATE abut how your day was. Weather, news any random stuff.

if you were to RESPECT him more than your self what would you do? Your husband is your biggest investment so take care of each other.

Trust Communication Respect?


If you leave him will this sort of thing happen again in your next relationship. Likely yes.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 21 October 2019, 10:29

I have not replied to this post yet because it hits a little close to home. Also, as much fun as anonymity is on the internet, let's face it - as a community we love to judge, lol.
But what you're describing here is a serious issue so we shall leave humour out of this one.

In my relationship, I am also the one with a higher drive and my partner's is.... I dunno? Definitely lower, that's for sure. But I find that mine is higher than most other people so I've sort of learned to live with that. Sort of....

We also had a patch where he never initiated anything. If I tried to, then I was turned down more often than not. I started doing exactly what you did - looking for all the faults within myself. Yes, I have picked up a bit of weight since we met, but not much. But I figured maybe that was the problem? Maybe he's just decided that my face is too plain and boring after all so he'd rather have someone else. All of these sort of thoughts, which you are (sadly) familiar with.

It ended up in a really bad situation in our relationship, which I'm not going into at the moment. But what I realised in the end is that communication is key. You are fortunate in that you say you don't have a problem communicating what you are feeling, which is a great help. But this will also really start eating away at you psychologically. So as some of the others have suggested, it seems counselling would be your best bet. It helped us. We still have issues, believe me, but it opened up things in a new and better way.

Are you opposed to toys such as fleshlights etc.? It's not ideal and will never replace sex with your husband, but it is definitely better than your faithful hand which has been doing the job for many a year.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Jryski » 29 October 2019, 03:06

NvM wrote:I think today the OP should buy a card that says; "i find you sooo attractive" and present to this to his husband. Do it. Write it on the bathroom mirror tomorrow. Every time he looks at you say it.

You need to repair the lost TRUST. Trust is very difficult to re claim and often you will have to accept that the relationship is permanently changed because of what YOU did. It dosnt matter how or why you were cheating you entered into a contract tho the contract now seems one sided.

I would find some free counseling to start and see if it works. Dependent on your income levels you might consider taking a vacation that is couples counseling inclusive. Accept that every one's life will need a tune up eventually.

Does he do it by himself. If not maybe there is a clinical issue, alcoholism, depression, abuse. I think it reasonable to ask a husband for a blow job and get one on the spot. Maybe it is not mutual but keeps you off the internet. Talk to him if he is willing to set this up.

after both you two come home after work sit down and talk COMMUNICATE abut how your day was. Weather, news any random stuff.

if you were to RESPECT him more than your self what would you do? Your husband is your biggest investment so take care of each other.

Trust Communication Respect?


If you leave him will this sort of thing happen again in your next relationship. Likely yes.

Ummmm.... I find you soooooo attractive? Sounds like a bad porno and super cheap. Might as well be like, "Would you like some company?" Or better yet, you can clean his pool and deliver him some pizza.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Brasileiro » 29 October 2019, 09:27

Okay, so we had a lot of counseling and there are some things that I learned:
He is well aware of you being disappointed in him, which in some people can make them work harder but others, and it looks like he is one of those, retreat. Like "if you do not appreciate me for who I am, why bother."
He can feel you feel he is not doing his part and it does something to his selfworth.

When is the last time you were truly romantic? Treated him like he is a real gem that you cherish? Complimented him? And the other way round? Talk about the necessity of this and try to come up with little gestures and comliments throughout the day. Even if it is totally learned behavior at first, it will become more natural and often one thing leads to another.
The same goes for simply putting sex in your agenda. And plan it in a way that you really have the time and can get in the mood. At first it can feel weird, but it can become something to look forward to. One can get more sexdrive by actually having regular sex.

Also... get into tantric sex. Take lessons, both of you. Your sexlife will be improved and never be the same.
And spend time away from eachother, so you appreciate eachother when you get back together.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Botanical Boy » 29 October 2019, 17:14

Thanks to all for the suggestions, I really appreciate the time you've taken to advise me.

Brasileiro wrote:When is the last time you were truly romantic? Treated him like he is a real gem that you cherish? Complimented him? And the other way round? Talk about the necessity of this and try to come up with little gestures and comliments throughout the day. Even if it is totally learned behavior at first, it will become more natural and often one thing leads to another.
The same goes for simply putting sex in your agenda. And plan it in a way that you really have the time and can get in the mood. At first it can feel weird, but it can become something to look forward to. One can get more sexdrive by actually having regular sex.


As a couple we are very romantic and lovey-dovey. I constantly compliment him and it isn't an area that my husband struggles with particularly when it comes to me either.

I take your point about planning sex although I suppose one of my problems is that it doesn't feel spontaneous now. But perhaps that's something I should be looking to get over rather than forcing into our dynamic.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Brasileiro » 29 October 2019, 20:59

It´ is good to hear you are sweet to eachother!

The thing with the planning is, that at least your partner knows that it is coming and it is not a matter of you having to beg for it, so to speak. It also gives a sense of equal responsibility.
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Botanical Boy » 30 October 2019, 08:39

Brasileiro wrote:It´ is good to hear you are sweet to eachother!

The thing with the planning is, that at least your partner knows that it is coming and it is not a matter of you having to beg for it, so to speak. It also gives a sense of equal responsibility.


Exactly, now it's been put to me in that way I can understand the benefits of it. :thumbsupwink:

Really appreciate your help
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Re: Husband Never Initiates Sex

Unread postby Brasileiro » 30 October 2019, 10:44

Do plan fun things right before, so it is not something that has to be done quicly between tasks, but can be "your night", or depending on your biorythms, afternoon or morning. it is important not to start when you are tired ofcourse.

And talking of biorythms, apparantly in men libido is at a peak between 6 and 9 in the morning. So maybe take advantage of that?
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