I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

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I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

Unread postby Needorientation » 15 September 2021, 01:41

English is not my first language, so please excuse any mistakes I could make.

Hello, I'm here because I don't have anyone to talk about this and I think people that may have experienced this or something similar could help me.
I've always considered myself (female, 20) straight. I've never been attracted to girls or something, I even had an old friend that wanted to kiss me just to try, but I didn't like the idea of kissing a girl (I was 10-12 years old at the time).
Then when I was 18, I had an English teacher (female, 39-40) and I really liked her from the start, she loved teaching and was just very nice, at the moment I just thought that it was admiration, but I recently discovered that it was more than that...
At that time I also liked this boy, so I didn't really pay attention to my feelings towards my teacher, but now that I recall it, my attitudes with her were just the same than with this boy. I felt happy to see her, so I never skipped a class even if it was optional. I think my friends could have noticed because always when we met her in the hallways or something they pushed me toward her or called her so I had no other option but to say hello to her.
The most important event was when one day she came wearing lipstick, she never wore any makeup so this was really notorious for all my classmates, too. I remember that day I couldn't help but smile seeing how beautiful she was, and then one of my classmates asked her "are you going to a date, miss J?" And her face went red.
At that moment my smile faded. I felt sad thinking that she was going to see someone and, for some reason, the idea of her going on a date with a man made me feel worse...
From that moment on, I don't remember, but it was near the end of the year, so I wasn't going to see her anyway.
The point is that it really confuses me, I also feel turned on by girls, whenever if is watching them in a movie, in porn or just by thinking about them. I also have erotic dreams with males and females, but the female ones are more recurrent and it always makes me feel bad or really numb that I felt good in those dreams.
Even with all that, I feel better if I imagine myself getting married or being in a relationship with a man. And I'm not sure I would enjoy sex with females even if my fantasies says otherwise.
Has anyone felt confused about their sexuality like this?
I don't think I want to etiquette myself as something, but at the same time I want to know if I'm in the right group or I don't know.
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
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Re: I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

Unread postby pozboro » 15 September 2021, 05:46

Until you have some romantic and sexual experiences, it's hard to say one way or the other. Some people have crushes on someone of the same gender (or even occasionally a gay person has a crush on a person of the opposite gender). It doesn't necessarily mean more than a significant personal attraction (especially if the people don't act on it). This is probably more common with people younger than you, but there's no reason why it couldn't be happening - you having a crush on your teacher. Don't worry about it.

You are also at an age were many people openly question their sexuality, so again, don't worry too much about it. Just see what happens in the future - who else you are attracted to and who you form quality relationships with and go from there. While I know our societies want us to be this way or that, you don't really have be anything in particular and I recommend you find what makes you happy in life and go for that.
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Re: I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

Unread postby PopTart » 15 September 2021, 07:43

I agree with Pozboro.

There are two things to consider here.

One, you might not be completely gay (or straight) but some where in-between and that is okay.

Two, you might be struggling to accept your sexuality and the manner in which your peers treated you when they thought you liked your teacher, made you feel good and that could be confusing things for you.

Either way, the moral of the story here, is to take a breath, be calm and let yourself be.

You don't have to label yourself right away, if you identify as gay, it's okay to step outside of that identification and find out how you really feel about women, even if it's only a very few.

If you have hang ups about being gay, try to accept that it's okay. Be honest with yourself if you are struggling with that reality.

You may well be bisexual and I think, those people hereabouts who identify as such will likely attest, that the times at which you are attracted to men or to women more than the other, can ebb and flow.

Don't panic. You don't have to be, anything. There are no wrong choices here.
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Re: I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

Unread postby Needorientation » 15 September 2021, 19:19

Thank you both for answering. Your replies really help me and as you said, I'll try to take things calmly, try to experience things to find out how do I really feel and then see what happens in future.
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Re: I'm not sure about my sexuality anymore...

Unread postby Eryx » 16 September 2021, 13:02

Seems to me you're bisexual, which is completely fine and very common. I'd say enjoy it :)
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You are not entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to your informed opinion. No one is entitled to be ignorant.
— Harlan Ellison
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