Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

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Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 1 September 2019, 13:19

I recently joined this forum because I needed to talk to gay people. I have a lot to say so probably they wont fit into one post. Ill try to post more and more through the topic but im also planning on making 5 topics to cover everything because the point might get lost and to avoid getting it all messy...I need people to hear me out somewhere. Even though I said these things many times to different people, I keep repeating the same things but every time I realize that I have more and more to say.
I am 28, I live in a small country in Europe. I never had sex or relationship with anyone and honestly I dont know what being gay or homosexuality is.... I started having panic attacks in 2016 now im doing better.
Some background: My parents are the most homophobic people I know. My school was as well. I have always been a quiet, mature, positive, handsome and a bit melancholic boy. I knew I was gay but I constantly pushed that back in my head... never wanted to face it and no one around me suspected it.
So on late 2015 I started looking up porn and more specific home made porn because i wanted to get the "truth" of what 2 men do and feel about each other even though I knew i was looking at the wrong place. What i got from it is that there is a "man" who has the need to put his dick in someone else who is not really manly and who wants to be humiliated... that thought stuck with me. I was scared... didn't have a single soul to talk about it... I thought that this is how homosexuality works; a manly man who needs to fuck a person who is not manly.
I looked around and saw some people hating gays and my anxiety got higher. When i met people who accept homosexuality, my thought was what do they accept exactly? Are they ok with someone using someone else? Are they aware what is going on or am I the strange one for not getting it right? So I was/am lost in my own headache.
I love manly men so that has to mean that i am not manly and that i need to be put in my place by a manly superior gay... The word faggot has been used so much by the manly gays that ive seen and they love using and humiliate feminine gays. I feel like homosexuality is not about love is about who will use and get used... if there is no love then it feels like a mental problem... i am afraid to top because i hate being seen as a dominant bad gay and the same with bottoming, i dont want to be humiliated and i can NOT find attractive a man who bottoms... does anyone feel or had felt any of these at some point?
How can i help myself calm down and are there really evil gay men who only need to use a man because it's in their nature or is it up to us to choose want we do and we can do anything without separations and rules? I don't consider myself being feminine or too manly but I do feel terrified that some gay men out there want to make me feel less about myself
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Midlifewotsit » 1 September 2019, 14:51

Well..................

Firstly I can follow your train of thought but your logic is letting you down. You've identified the "top" as someone who likes to dominate and humiliate and the "Bottom" as someone weak, submissive and as you say not manly. From that conclusion you're basing your entire view of what gay relationships are. If you've researched by watching porn then that's not totally unreasonable but you've searched for the truth about gay sex by looking at some of the most inaccurate source material available and hence drawn some very questionable conclusions.

More importantly I think you'd really benefit if you realized sex and sexuality are compleatly separate things. The type of dominant and submissive sexual relationship you saw in porn exists everywhere, there's no gay monopoly on it.......straight people do that stuff too. In fact it's only the limits of male and female anatomy that limit people from doing some certain specific things but other than that there is very little if anything that's exclusively gay or exclusively straight when it comes to sex.

Without going in to too much detail, I am a bottom but I have in no way been the submissive weaker partner in previous relationships nor have I felt any humiliation. My last serious partner once said I could be selfish and demanding in the bedroom to which I replied that I at least had the good manners to throw the blanket back over him when I was done.

The point I'm trying to make is the label "gay" doesn't automatically add other labels with it.

I really don't think I made the point I wanted to very well :/
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 1 September 2019, 17:12

You seem to understand my way of thinking and I agree with you that porn is not accurate though it has sadly affected the way I see things.

About the straight sex, I constantly keep reminding myself that a straight man can be submissive and can also enjoy anal play.

When you say it's the male/female anatomy that sets a limit do mean that a penetration means submission? Or also do you think that a person who is recieving anal is mostly because they want it? Because from what i understand mostly the urge comes from the person who wants to penetrate the other. From the conversations that I had I've noticed that gays that identify as top are obsessed with seeing the butthole being inserted and it's almost too scary to know that "tops" want it so desperately while the other person just enjoys the feeling. What makes me furious and scared at the same time is that when the "top" is being told to bottom they freak out as if it's the last thing they will do and say that they are not faggots. :( I have dealt with these people growing up and I am still scared of sex.. I don't understand it.
So you are a bottom because you dont feel that big attraction towards a male butt? Or you do feel it but you prefer to feel penetrated more? I think I am asking this so that I can clarify in my mind if homosexuality is separated through natural ways or if it's a clear preference.
Sometimes I feel like we are robots. We do what we do because we are programmed to do it and some are in a superior possition while others are not. I love people who just say that are verse (while I really shouldn't, that's my problem; needing to know that gays are equals by doing it both way).
I understand that I get paranoid. I understand my issue. I am just lonely sad and angry and still living with my parents make it all worse...
Thanks for replying and yes, being gay doesn't mean what most of society think it means. Even though in my head it's different, manly gays who get support and love and not so manly gays who get picked on, experience bullying that manly gays would never know...
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Jzone » 1 September 2019, 19:41

I think you have very inaccurate ideas about sex and homosexual relationships. What you see in porn — even homemade porn — does not reflect reality in general. It was a good idea to focus on homemade porn, but most people do not record and post their sexual activity. So you are getting a limited selection from the start. It would not surprise me to learn guys who are turned on by dominance and humiliating others are also more likely to post videos of their "conquests".

I don't know what the culture in general or gay culture is like in Cyprus. I'm guessing it is pretty repressed after British rule and the influence of the church there. I'm sure that there are many more gays than you are aware of, and more kinds of gay relationships than are obvious. Somehow, men have found a way to have tender, loving relationships in almost every time and culture on the planet. Hopefully it will continue getting easier everywhere.

In my longest relationship with a man, neither of us identified as top or bottom. We just went with our mood whenever we had sex. There was no dominance or humiliation. I always prefer to feel equal with my partners. You don't need to be a "bad guy" to be a top, or humiliated to be a bottom.

I don't know what to suggest for you to change your preconceptions about sex and relationships. Somehow you need to get beyond the fear that is preventing you from connecting with other people. Whenever that happens, remember that you are in control of what you do in that situation. You don't have to go along with another man's desires just because he is more experienced.

If that profile picture is you, I think you are a very handsome man. You have that going for you, at least.
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Midlifewotsit » 1 September 2019, 19:48

My comment about anatomy were just my way of saying that different sex acts/preferences are not limited or specific to someones sexual orientation. Gay men can hate anal sex, straight men can love it....gay men might love oral sex, straight men might hate it.....however a woman can't penetrate someone with a penis because she doesn't have one no matter how much the thought of it might turn her on, and a man can never experience vaginal penetration because he doesn't have one (This is overlooking the whole transgender thing which isn't really relevant here). It was my clumsy way of trying to say sex and sexuality aren't bound to each other and it's only our biology that limit what we can do and even then there's not much.

When it comes to receiving anal, ask a guy why he likes it and you'll get lots of answers, some might literally like the sensation, for others it's more psychological, they like the "submissive role" you mentioned. The best thing however, the most special and wonderful thing is there's the whole intimacy thing, two people being as physically close as it's possible to be can be seen as extremely erotic as well as a sign of love. One could argue sharing your body is the ultimate act of trust and love.......Being with someone I love has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with showing love.

When it comes to my personal preferences, I tend to be a bottom but I'm very much attracted to a guys butt, strong arms and a nice butt and I'm happy. Why I'm that way I have no idea, I can only say if I'm watching porn I would always imagine myself as the receiving partner I have topped and it was fine but it didn't "Do it" for me if that makes sense.

I wonder if some of your views stem from your desire to understand what homosexuality is by comparing what heterosexual life is. As an example it's not uncommon when I tell a new friend that I'm gay for them to ask me "Who is the woman in my relationship". Obviously neither of us are the women but my friends are trying to fit me into the world they know. Their relationships as well as their families and friends have a man and a woman with defined roles both in and out of the bedroom and they use the same relationship template for me. Could you be doing the same, trying to fit a gay life in to a straight template and wondering why it doesn't fit?
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 1 September 2019, 21:08

Love is the most important aspect of things. No one is here to humiliate or be humiliated, human beings tend to enjoy having a partner around to help them go forward in life. Some couples switch positions, some prefer one thing over the other, but it has nothing to do with manliness or superiority over someone else. It's a partnership.

Sex can be just sex, and some people like it rough, some people like it soft, some people don't even like kissing and other guys aren't too fond of sucking dick. That doesn't matter, there's something for everyone out there. There is no psychological warfare going on in sex, unless the people participating want to make it so for their own fantasies.

I find it surprising that you have such a narrow and naive understanding of what it means to have sex. I hope you get more educated and that you conquer your insecurities. There's nothing wrong with you, there is nothing wrong with sex and you should do what you want and desire, not what you think you're supposed to do on account of society or what you've seen in porn.

And as I always say, if you feel like your environment is keeping you from living freely and happily, take steps to go somewhere else. It can always get better.

Midlifewotsit wrote:a woman can't penetrate someone with a penis because she doesn't have one no matter how much the thought of it might turn her on, and a man can never experience vaginal penetration because he doesn't have one
Have you heard of strap-ons?
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Midlifewotsit » 1 September 2019, 21:29

Ah, I made sure to be specific, strap ons and dildos are's penises. You can use toys to get the next best thing but would never know what it "Feels like" to have a penis unless you physically have one.
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 1 September 2019, 22:49

Eh, who cares! We're missing out on multiple orgasms. The distinction is irrelevant!
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 2 September 2019, 20:07

Hello all again :) I'm so glad that people actually read and reply my topic... I got so used to feeling lonely that this excites me somehow... I don't haveany gay friends - I only have one who I rarely see. The thing that causes me having a constant fear and headaches is that I feel that gay people are not exactly one type of people and im not saying that in terms of characters or personalities. I mean there is this separation with manly and not manly... type A and type B... I feel that they can not relate with one another... I cant imagine an arrogant gay man rating himself as a regular gay guy... I want to be wrong! I want to stop thinking that this is the real nature of homosexuality.. I want to believe in freedome to be and do what we want without seperations...My mind is stuck in a reality where the type A is the handsome demanding dude and the type B the one who everyone picks on... which seems like people are forced to get used by someone. I think this has happened to me because I live in fear and I always picture myself being weak and terrified that someone would want to "use" me and I dont want to, simply because I am not comfortable... that's where I got the thought of the one person who is comfortable and wants sex and the other hasnt got the same urge and therefore needs to be submissive...do you know what I mean? It's huge in my head but since English is not my first language I feel like I can't express it to the fullest.. Thanks again for reading and taking time to understand how I feel and write back... ask me more questions about anything and perhaps important things might come up!
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 3 September 2019, 02:40

There is all kinds of gay people, that's all in your head man. You need to get out of that mindset...
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 3 September 2019, 12:52

I cant let my urge and feelings loose.... Whenever I catch myself feeling any sort of attraction towards a man I dont feel any positive feeling, instead I experience fear, panic and a lot of questions and speculation go through my head......


I will probably start a new topic soon on some people whom made me feel this way on an early stage of my life... I would love to view your thoughts on that as well...
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 3 September 2019, 16:47

You should probably seek professional help, a therapist could help you much more than us. It seems like your issues run deeper than what I can help with.
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Jzone » 3 September 2019, 17:10

LonelyPince wrote:I will probably start a new topic soon on some people whom made me feel this way on an early stage of my life... I would love to view your thoughts on that as well...

It comes as no surprise to learn that some negative experiences at a young age are part of the cause of your current fear and anxiety around sex and relationships. I'm sorry that happened to you. I agree with Eryx that therapy is a good idea, as long as you can find a therapist with open and progressive thinking.

Expressing yourself here on this forum can be a good step too, so I encourage you to continue. Even though English is not your first language, I think we can understand most of what you have to say. There may be more to it, but your English is quite good. Overwhelming feelings are difficult to communicate, even in our own language.
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 3 September 2019, 17:24

Eryx wrote:You should probably seek professional help, a therapist could help you much more than us. It seems like your issues run deeper than what I can help with.



I have seen 4 therapists so far ( the first one was for a different reason). They didn't really help me at all... I feel that therapists do not know much on this subject.. Perhaps they study about homosexuality or sexuality in general but it's a different thing if they are not gay themselves... The 3rd therapist that I was visiting suggested to start dating women... so from that moment I knew that therapists are not exactly the answer and therapy is not what i hoped it would be...
That's why I thought of trying to communicate with real gay people and see if people can relate or at least feel emotionally connected with what I'm saying...
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 3 September 2019, 21:46

It's going to be hard for us to connect with what you're saying because the vast majority of us come from more accepting places, so our experiences weren't as bad. Occasionally we might get someone here who was abused or heard really harsh things about homosexuality, but it's usually something that can be more easily overcome because they have a better environment around them.

I've already said this on here, but when I figured out I was gay (at 12), I also had issues with finding gay sex arousing or "right." It was all really gross for me and only made me more scared.

My strategy was to start looking for gay kisses on YouTube, gay movies with lovestories, and then slowly advancing in the porn department until I could feel comfortable with penetration (and even some fetishes! Lol). The gradual approach worked really well for me, maybe that's the problem for you? You might be looking for the full-blown hardcore sex when in reality you're supposed to understand what love and affection really mean first.

Gay men are full of love and at least I can say that I really care for my boyfriend, and have truly cared for the ones before him. I am not even a top and I never had to deal with someone forcing something I didn't want on me. It was all consensual, respectful, and loving, even when it was 'rough.'

Good luck either way :)
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 3 September 2019, 22:04

You are right.... the environment has a huge role to play in our progression as persons and how able we are to move on from bad thoughts and experience. Your strategy seems a great one... I did exactly what you suspected.... I went straight forward on the brutal part of it and allowed that become the only and main aspect of how I view homosexuality. I can not even imagine that there is love in all that... I realized that I mistook the point myself and I had a fetish that needed to embrace as well and that took part on this stressful situations - I even felt like i am a part of a minority of the minority... when you mentioned fetish, how do you mean it? You got to get involved in a fetish during sex or come in terms with one of your fetishes?
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby Eryx » 3 September 2019, 22:12

I was really young and I obeyed my parents, so when I had the opportunity to be online on my own (dial-up internet, 2003, reserved to Saturday afternoons, Sundays and after midnight), I looked for guys kissing. For the longest time, that was all I needed to get going.

At some point I started getting bored with that, I wanted to see a story, a progression, so I looked for "Top 50" or "Top 10" gay movies. Shelter is still my favorite, but there are tons and tons of them out there nowadays.

Some of those movies had a little skin showing, but I was invested in the 'love' part. Eventually I started looking for a little more, like pecks on the neck, kisses on the nipple, blowjobs...

I began figuring out what kind of guys I was attracted to, what positions I'd like to get myself into, what I felt safe about doing and what I'd never like to do.

After that was done, the real world of porn opened up to me. All kinds of it. Rough and soft. Affectionate and distant. Sex and love. Drugs and vanilla. I understood that it was other people, not me, and I was just masturbating.

The last step was to figure out that I enjoy some things more than others, and there's a LOT that you can enjoy in sex, gay or straight. So I look for some of those things when I start thinking about what I like.
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 3 September 2019, 22:28

You have started it in the best way a young man should! You allowed yourself to accept and enjoy porn without making it complicated. I started off by believing that I only have to follow some specific things and that I belong in a certain category... I didnt have anyone to talk to and those beliefs came out into my daily life making me think that I belong in an inferior place in society. I also feel stressed when I watch gay porn because I fear that I need to be like the people in porn.... Your last reply helped me get this out and notice where the difference in our perception came to be... thank you for that, it was helpful indeed!
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby whoiswlliamonyebor » 4 September 2019, 22:56

Hey LP. As a highly androgynous straight guy I have always kind of assumed there were a lot of different kinds of gays and gay intercourse. Everybody is different and so the intimate relationships that go on between them always fairly unique also.

A lot of men simply get off on dominating everything and everybody, and who still consider themselves straight. I can identify with that thinking quite a bit, myself, and its easy to recognize in other men. But then there are guys that can go both ways. Ive met them and befriended and worked shoulder to shoulder with them.

I could be one of those guys, but still not quite since I really did not begin to find the male form even remotely attractive until only the past year or two.

Im 35.

Let me ask. What is it about interacting with other males that has always prevented you, predominately, from venturing into the flirtation zone? Somewhere I have never myself even thought about going to, personally, so pardon if my wording is awkward. Im just an ignorant, bicurious straight dude.

I assume its been mostly shame, and subconscious insecurity, due to parental programming? And how many years along would you say you are into trying to tear away from all that, and beginning afresh?
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Re: Im 28. Never had any encounter and I'm scared. 1/5

Unread postby LonelyPince » 5 September 2019, 05:07

It is the shame ... the reminder of the bullying that gay people had been through, how society sees it etc and also the arrogamce that some gays have, the thought of some gay prefering the butt over anything else and have the "need" to penetrate while others don't... A lot of questions start stressing me when I try to figure out how and why does this work... maybe im too scared to relax and see that i might be attracted to butt too and I know that I am not arrogant, therefore I wouldn't feel all these and i would stop attaching arrogance with "topping".
So there is really no place for any positive emotions in my head regarding homosexuality. How can I be attracted to mean arrogant men that make me feel worthless or to a life that is all about shaming and bullying?
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