Is language/communication important in a relationship?

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Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 2 February 2019, 15:18

So lately I've been seeing a Palestinian who came to my country for work.

It's clear that he likes me and I like him too, but we never went on an actual date and all we did was have sex every time we met. And his english and malay is not that good, all we can talk about is those boring "how's your day? What are you doing?" stuff, it's never something deep. Although he did voice called me almost everyday, teaching me Urdu and Hindi (I told him I love to learn new languages), but I feel like it's not enough.

And I think he's addicted to sex and grindr.

Is it healthy if I continue this relationship with him? Should I continue to invest my feelings in him or should I stop seeing him?

Edit: He told me that he loves me on every end of his voice call, so I'm sure that I'm not just some hookups.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 2 February 2019, 19:52

One of you has to learn to learn the language of the other. In the end, if you can not really talk about what you want or what is bothering you, the relationship will suffer. Unless you find eachother really well in non verbal communication and enjoy the same things. But even that can get boring.

Saying "I love you" is no prove of true love. And people who say it all the time, actually often do that to ensure you wil not drop them, while behind your back they do things your would not approve of...
I rather have someone who proves that he loves me than someone who says that he loves me.

If you feel unsure about his habits concerning sex and Grindr, just look into it a bit more. Ask if he can live without and let him prove it for a while.



*edited to take out typos.
Last edited by Brasileiro on 3 February 2019, 10:05, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 3 February 2019, 03:43

Not so much the language, but definitely communication is important. So when language effects that...
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby erti » 3 February 2019, 03:48

maybe once you understand more of his languages and him yours it will get easier.

my stepdad's mom is from Italy and my stepdad's father is from the US. They got married not knowing either ones languages and they've been married ever since once my stepdad's mom learned English. Probably bad example being that they only stayed married because of the kids.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby lightnight » 3 February 2019, 08:41

dicksonllee wrote:So lately I've been seeing a Palestinian who came to my country for work.
...
Although he did voice called me almost everyday, teaching me Urdu and Hindi (I told him I love to learn new languages), but I feel like it's not enough.


Girl he's not Palestinian! Palestinians speak Arabic. If he's saying he's Palestinian and teaches you Urdu/Hindi, he's probably from India or Pakistan, and a liar. That's a red flag.

I can't say I'm surprised though. Some people from over here pretend to be middle eastern and from conflict zones to emigrate to countries with better economic prospects.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 3 February 2019, 08:58

Brasileiro wrote:One of you has to learn to learn the language of the other. In the end, if you can´ not really tal about what you want or what is bothering you, the relationship will suffer. Inless you find eachother really well in non verbal communication and enjoy the same things. but even that can get boring.

Saying "I love you" is no prove of true love. And people who say it all the time, actually often do that to ensure you wil not drop them, while behind your back they do things your would not approve of...
I rather have someone who proves that he loves me than someone who says that he loves me.

If you feel unsure about his habits concerning sex and Grindr, just look into it a bit more. Ask if he can leve without and let him prove it for a while.


Since you've said that, I'm a little confused. He did asked me to meet his friends and introduced me to them.

I will try to talk to him about this issue.

lightnight wrote:
dicksonllee wrote:So lately I've been seeing a Palestinian who came to my country for work.
...
Although he did voice called me almost everyday, teaching me Urdu and Hindi (I told him I love to learn new languages), but I feel like it's not enough.


Girl he's not Palestinian! Palestinians speak Arabic. If he's saying he's Palestinian and teaches you Urdu/Hindi, he's probably from India or Pakistan, and a liar. That's a red flag.

I can't say I'm surprised though. Some people from over here pretend to be middle eastern and from conflict zones to emigrate to countries with better economic prospects.


I must've mistyped it, he's Pakistani not Palestinian.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 3 February 2019, 10:10

erti wrote:maybe once you understand more of his languages and him yours it will get easier.

my stepdad's mom is from Italy and my stepdad's father is from the US. They got married not knowing either ones languages and they've been married ever since once my stepdad's mom learned English. Probably bad example being that they only stayed married because of the kids.
I bet it went south because she could express herself better at some point, but that is when it is hard to ge out as a woman with kids,... a typical problem.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 3 February 2019, 10:23

dicksonllee wrote:Since you've said that, I'm a little confused. He did asked me to meet his friends and introduced me to them.

I will try to talk to him about this issue.

Introduction to friends is usually a positive thing, unless of course he refuses to call you his boyfriend when you are with them or the "meet my friends" is a trap to get you into an orgy or something (which actually happened to me).
But usually, in normal circumstances, it is to show you off and/or trying to get approval from his friends and this can not only help him to decide if your are right for him, but you get an idea in what cirkels he moves and how others see him, so you can decide better too.
You should introduce him to your friends too and hear what they think.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Vertical » 4 February 2019, 02:15

all we can talk about is those boring "how's your day? What are you doing?" stuff, it's never something deep.

but I feel like it's not enough.

Perhaps he is an MBTI Sensor (xSxx) while you are an Intuitive (xNxx) type. Sensors are practical people and live in the presence. They love to talk about the details of the day, the disputes with coworkers, the food they had, and so on.

Intuitives are more theoretical people, they are less interested in the visible world of today and live more in the future. They are only interested in details if they help to see patterns. N types find the communication with S types about S types boring, while S types find communication with N types about N types boring.

Which is why David Keirsey recommends that in a relationship both should be either N or S types, and I agree with him. This is really an important point. Luckily the N/S difference is irrelevant for activities like sex.

If you don’t feel a deep non-sexual connection you should keep the sex but not meet his friends etc.

Personalitymax.com: Sensing vs. Intuition Preference

You use Sensing (S) and Intuition (N) to receive and process new information either by using your five senses or in more abstract ways. Sensing and Intuition are opposite preferences. A person’s natural tendency toward one will be stronger than the other.

There are by far more Sensing people in the population than Intuitives. Sensors make up almost three-fourths of all people with Intuitives at just over 26%. Females are on average slightly more Sensing than males.

Sensing (S)

Sensors focus on the present. They are “here and now” people. They are factual and process information through the five senses. They see things as they are because they are concrete and literal thinkers. They trust what is certain. Sensors value realism and common sense. They especially like ideas with practical applications.

Sensing Characteristics

• Concrete
• Realistic
• Lives in the present
• Aware of surroundings
• Notices details
• Practical
• Goes by senses
• Factual

Sensing Personality Types: ESTJ, ESTP, ESFJ, ESFP, ISTJ, ISTP, ISFJ, ISFP

Intuition (N)

Intuitive people live in the future and are immersed in the world of possibilities. They process information through patterns and impressions. Intuitive people value inspiration and imagination. They gather knowledge by reading between the lines. Their abstract nature attracts them toward deep ideas and concepts. They see the “big picture”.

Intuitive Characteristics

• Future-focused
• Sees possibilities
• Inventive
• Imaginative
• Deep
• Abstract
• Idealistic
• Theoretical

Intuitive Personality Types: ENTJ, ENTP, ENFJ, ENFP, INTJ, INTP, INFJ, INFP

Test: https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

Only the four letters matter, not the name that websites uses for a type. The fifth letter doesn’t belong to the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) and informs about neuroticism (Assertive/Turbulent).
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Eryx » 4 February 2019, 02:30

Brasileiro wrote:[...]
Really glad you came back. You're a great addition to the forums and your advice is spot on. E não me sinto tão sozinho! :)
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 4 February 2019, 07:41

Yeah I agree, I don't understand why people are into conversations like daily activities reporting. :shrug:

The sex is great but I don't really feel some deep emotional connection with him. He refused to go out whenever I asked him to and all he wants is to hang out at his house. And we don't share the same interest in music, movies etc. so there's really nothing we can talk about.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 4 February 2019, 19:13

^ Sounds like just an plain old FB to me. It's for you to decide if that is what you want or not.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Brasileiro » 4 February 2019, 20:07

Eryx wrote:
Brasileiro wrote:[...]
Really glad you came back. You're a great addition to the forums and your advice is spot on. E não me sinto tão sozinho! :)

Thank you! Well, I had a lot of councelling around love and commitment, that helps. But I feel we think along the same lines and your advice is also always very good!
Não me diga não há mais Brasileiros?
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby Eryx » 5 February 2019, 02:45

Not for now! It's just us. Hopefully that will change in the future :)
There have been some other guys from around here before.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 5 February 2019, 02:48

mxguy01 wrote:^ Sounds like just an plain old FB to me. It's for you to decide if that is what you want or not.

What's a FB?
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby erti » 5 February 2019, 08:50

fuck boy?
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby poolerboy0077 » 5 February 2019, 09:14

Yeah I can’t picture a future with someone and not being about to have a deeper conversation with them apart from the equivalent of pointing and grunting. I have these two friends, both sisters, who never really learned their ancestral tongue. Their parents speak poor English and they speak poor Spanish. How horrible! How can you connect with your parents having that sort of barrier?! At least with romantic partners you have a choice. Now, if he’s hot, I totally get it, so if you are going to end things at least get a couple of humps out of it before you call it quits.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby mxguy01 » 5 February 2019, 19:14

dicksonllee wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:^ Sounds like just an plain old FB to me. It's for you to decide if that is what you want or not.

What's a FB?


From Urban Dictionary:
Fuck Buddy. A person who are having casual sex with on a regular basis, but are not involved in a romantic relationship with.
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 7 February 2019, 05:54

poolerboy0077 wrote:Yeah I can’t picture a future with someone and not being about to have a deeper conversation with them apart from the equivalent of pointing and grunting. I have these two friends, both sisters, who never really learned their ancestral tongue. Their parents speak poor English and they speak poor Spanish. How horrible! How can you connect with your parents having that sort of barrier?! At least with romantic partners you have a choice. Now, if he’s hot, I totally get it, so if you are going to end things at least get a couple of humps out of it before you call it quits.

This is the first time I saw you wrote something so long, and yes I will get a couple of humps before I call it quits. :applause:
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Re: Is language/communication important in a relationship?

Unread postby dicksonllee » 7 February 2019, 05:56

mxguy01 wrote:
dicksonllee wrote:
mxguy01 wrote:^ Sounds like just an plain old FB to me. It's for you to decide if that is what you want or not.

What's a FB?


From Urban Dictionary:
Fuck Buddy. A person who are having casual sex with on a regular basis, but are not involved in a romantic relationship with.

The sex was super intense, but yeah we're not involved in a romantic relationship.
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