My crazy identity crisis

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My crazy identity crisis

Unread postby Tobi » 25 July 2020, 21:10

Hello! This is the first discussion I'll be asking on here and it's something that has been bothering me since about 2 years ago. I watched a bit of gay porn at a very young age unfortunately, and it has ever since dirtied my mind from as young as 8. I now started fantasizing about boys past hugs and kisses but it was never really intense until i turned 11.All of my fantasies have been about bottoming for a boy and I've always been very submissive. For sure I know that me being submissive is the only thing that turns me on in a real life sex scenario.... same thing goes for bottoming. This leads me on to the issue, when I realized I could masturbate at the age of 13, thing started to change slightly. I started to get a taste of what pleasure on my... you know felt like and it brought fantasies of topping as well. However, I can fantasize about bottom during and outside of masturbation, but can ONLY fantasize about topping during masturbation. Outside masturbation it doesn't really turn me on, and all the guys i've had crushes on, i've had crushes on because I want them to top me. I just can't imagine myself actually fucking a guy, I just feel like it wouldn't be the same experience and wouldn't be as pleasurable. Not to mention i can hardly even fantasize about my dick being sucked because same way, it doesnt really hit me the same way as if i'm sucking another guy's dick. The thing is, the reason I hate these sexual acts is because they remind me very VIVIDLY that I am a boy, that I have a dick and it's like CONFIRMED 100 percent, and that's what makes me uncomfortable. I've thought that I was trans, for other reasons than this (but that's another post) and it's very arousing when I fantasize about having a vagina and fucking a guy as a girl, also very arousing fantasizing about him going down on me if i had a pussy, but at the same time it's a kind of like 1.) I feel like i'm FINE being a boy in most everyday situations (like I don't HATE being referred to as he/him i guess) and 2.) I feel like even if I transitioned, I still couldn't have the experiences I fantasize about because Idk if i would feel like a cisgender female would and 3.) coming out as transgender is a WHOLE different ballgame and i'm SCARED TO DEATH.... so... advice? :(
Tobi
 
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