No sex in relationship.

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No sex in relationship.

Unread postby Finalfog » 22 July 2021, 05:33

Hey all. Bit of background for you all. I'm 37 and my partner is 36. We have been together now for 13 years and live together.
I love him, no denying that. But to be honest I'm resenting him. When we first started going out we couldn't get enough of eachother. We were having sex all the time. Lots of different places. Even engaged in a few threesomes for fun. As you would expect it calmed after a while and we regularly had sex then.
But about 6 years ago we started having it less and less. It has now been 3.5 years and we haven't had any sex at all. Not even the odd fondle.
At the start I would always try and initiate it to him saying sorry he wasn't in the mood. So I would respect that and stop. I'd try in morning, evening and even tried waiting on the bed ready to go when he got in from work lol. Just to try and keep it interesting. But no luck. This year I have given up trying altogether.
We have also now started sleeping in separate bedrooms as my snoring keeps him awake, which I can understand and appreciate. I'll not lie, I like having a bed to myself. But not all the time.
Over the last 3 years I've tried to sit him down to discuss the problem and see what we can do to sort it out. Firstly he said it was to do with his weight as he had put a little on. So I respected that and tried to help him out. He lost the weight. But still nothing. Then it was stress from his job. But he now has a new one he loves.
Being paranoid I started to wonder if he was sleeping with someone else. So I checked his social media accounts (yes judge me, I'm not proud) and found he had been talking to guys around the rest of the UK and talking about sex and exchanging pics etc. Now that doesn't annoy me in the way you think it would. I think it's all fun. But I had issue with the fact he would talk to others like that and not myself. I really started to resent him.
So I sat down again last night to discuss it. Tried asking what was wrong. Explained that I really enjoy sex in general but especially with him. I have a high sex drive. He just shrugged the shoulders, laughed it off and said he didn't know. Which, I'll not lie, fucked me right off. But I didnt show it. So I actually suggested an open relationship. That was shot down right away. So thats ok. But then it was just left AGAIN that we haven't been having sex with no resolution or plan.
I love this man. But I miss sex and think it's an important part of a relationship.
Any advice out there? I don't know where to go from here or what to do.
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Re: No sex in relationship.

Unread postby Blue Nick » 23 July 2021, 06:55

Yes, you are right - sex is important part in relationship, but may be wait a little bit
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Re: No sex in relationship.

Unread postby gl├╝ckspilz » 24 July 2021, 15:05

Did he make any suggestions on how to improve sex life together? It sounds like you care a lot and think about ideas and he's just not interested at all.
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Re: No sex in relationship.

Unread postby lufia » 25 July 2021, 19:09

Sex is absolutely necessary for a relationship to work, and if it stops completely, it is a sure sign that there are major problems in the relationship. Lack of romantic interest is usually a symptom of something else. I once considered myself to be bisexual, and had a similar long term relationship with a woman. We were together for about three years. She moved in with me three weeks after we met and we had sex at least once, but usually multiple times, every single day for the first year or so. It gradually happened less and less over time, and we did not have sex at all for the final year we were together. We cared about each other very deeply and enjoyed being together, but we were more like girlfriends than lovers by the end of it. Neither one of us wanted to leave and I still miss her to this day, but there were many underlying problems that were insurmountable. She had very strong religious beliefs, and I am an Athiest. Our very relationship violated her beliefs. We had very different musical tastes. Our relationship was also interracial, and both of our families had an issue with it. She discovered how much I loved having my ass played with, and correctly surmised that I prefer taking dick to giving it. Those are just a few examples of things that just mushroomed into something bigger. We never hated each other or even disliked one another. We were always together. Neither of us were seeing anyone else. I guess we knew a romantic relationship wasn't in the cards for us, but neither of us wanted to admit it or be the one to leave. We weren't happy as a couple, but we had settled into our routines, and we were comfortable, and did not want to change it. It sounds like your relationship is at a similar point. There are obviously unsettled issues between the two of you that you need to discuss with one another. I think you two are so accustomed to being together that you are both afraid of being apart from another, even though things are not working. The bottom line is simply that when the sex stops, the relationship is not healthy, even if both of you do not want to admit it. My advice would be to try to find out what is upsetting your partner. If the two of you cannot hash it out on your own, seek some couples therapy. If you don't take some action, you are only delaying the inevitable end of the relationship, and being together longer will only make the breakup more difficult.
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Re: No sex in relationship.

Unread postby pozboro » 26 July 2021, 02:15

lufia wrote:The bottom line is simply that when the sex stops, the relationship is not healthy, even if both of you do not want to admit it. My advice would be to try to find out what is upsetting your partner. If the two of you cannot hash it out on your own, seek some couples therapy. If you don't take some action, you are only delaying the inevitable end of the relationship, and being together longer will only make the breakup more difficult.


This pretty much sums up my reaction though I'm not entirely certain I agree that sex is the only barometer of a relationship's health. Sex is a form of intimacy. In my mind, intimacy is the real barometer and we often forget other forms are just as important.

I think I'll stay quiet until I read a reaction to the suggestion of therapy. ;)
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Re: No sex in relationship.

Unread postby lufia » 26 July 2021, 02:48

pozboro wrote:
lufia wrote:The bottom line is simply that when the sex stops, the relationship is not healthy, even if both of you do not want to admit it. My advice would be to try to find out what is upsetting your partner. If the two of you cannot hash it out on your own, seek some couples therapy. If you don't take some action, you are only delaying the inevitable end of the relationship, and being together longer will only make the breakup more difficult.


This pretty much sums up my reaction though I'm not entirely certain I agree that sex is the only barometer of a relationship's health. Sex is a form of intimacy. In my mind, intimacy is the real barometer and we often forget other forms are just as important.

I think I'll stay quiet until I read a reaction to the suggestion of therapy. ;)

Sex is not the only barometer, as there are many, but it is normally the first warning sign that things are not right. Sex is usually the first thing to go when someone is not happy for some reason. It may not necessarily have anything to do with you. He may have something that he is physically or emotionally dealing with. Your approach is probably the right one. Tell him you want to go to therapy. His reaction will tell you how to proceed from here. If he reacts favorably, then maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel. If he refuses, then that will tell you what you need to know. Just make it clear to him that you are unwilling to let things continue on as they have been. I'll give you the same advice I give a lot of guys on this site. Regardless of the reason, life is too short to be unhappy. Find happiness, whether it is with this guy, or whether it ends up being with someone else. Don't spend any more time unhappy. You only have a finite amount of time on Earth, so make the most of every minute of it.
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