One of the first times. Way to accept me.

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One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 1 December 2018, 21:07

So I was suffering a little with my own self-acceptance for my all 22 years long life. It was mostly caused by my own projection on how my family and the environment will react. I was my own enemy. I thought that I finally accept myself and my family and friends support me. I haven't had many sexual encounters in my life. Mostly because I was in a closet for so long and I'm not the most beautiful person alive. It changed another week. I was with my friend and we were a little drunk. Start joking about sex and take a fellatio as a joke. But I was horny and I need to decide, I know he wants it. We started cuddling and he gives his crotch near me. So it happened but when I ask if he returns me pleasure he said no. He was a little pushy with it I was chocking any time I started to have some rhythm and I want to pursue him to reconsider. I didn't fish it because he won't let me to even masturbate. We fought about control. I don't have anything against being dominated but it was egoism, not domination. But to the point. It was my first sexual encounter since secondary school. And I was trembling. Idk why. Am I still don't accept this part of me? Or do I have an issue with a touch due to my past? I don't know. But I want to fight it, I want to be close to people. My friend is a jerk but still, I'm a little worried about myself. Anybody have a close situation or have some view on that? Thanks for reading this mess. :shrug:
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby PopTart » 1 December 2018, 21:27

Your post is abit hard to understand fully, because your english needs abit of work. I mean that in an encouraging way mind you, not being critical and to expain, why, if I have misunderstood anything.

It's not unusual to struggle to accept yourself or your sexuality.

It is good you are willing to try out some new experiences, but your friend, he doesn't sound like the sort that will ever reciprocate. Sounds to me, like he is more interested in getting his dick sucked and getting his rocks off and doesn't want to think about the fact your a guy or that you might have needs, Because he aint interested in satisfying them.

I would say, maybe look to find that intimacy and connection, somewhere else.

Also, try to work on accepting who you are and having a better expectation of what you deserve in terms of sexual and emotional fulfillment.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 1 December 2018, 21:34

Sorry for my English. I understand it fine, but I'm not using it enough to be good at writing. Thank you for replay. My message was mostly about that I thought I manage to accept myself by now but start to trembling in closer touch.
Yes, my friend is a lazy jerk and you are right about his intentions.
I was just shocked about my body response. And felt a little confuse and scared. Still feel afraid. It just is illogical to me and I just want to express my feelings because I'm bad at that. I'm afraid if I can create a good relationship if it response will stay with me.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby PopTart » 1 December 2018, 21:40

No need to apologise!

I didn't quite get how your reaction bothered you? Was it the trembling and worry?

Did you not feel aroused?
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 1 December 2018, 21:43

I felt a little arouse but the trembling wasn't about the thrill of a moment but about fear and being anxious. I felt a little discomfort but I push myself due to alcohol and my pride.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby PopTart » 1 December 2018, 21:50

Thats not unusual. You are doing something new and thats always abit nerve wracking and the fact you were doing something with a guy who clearly wasn't interesting in you, so much as he was interested in what he was getting out of it. I think it explains why you were so nervous and abit afraid.

Don't think that was because of something wrong with you, that was more because, he was being a jerk and this wasn't really the best person for you to be with right now.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 1 December 2018, 21:56

Probably. Thank you for a talk. Still feel a little frustrated but it always helps to have another perspective on things. I need to look for better people but it is hard. I hate online datings apps like Tinder or Badoo.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 2 December 2018, 01:37

I'll agree with Poptart plus add: you found it a one way street and discovered your not into that. Not a big surprise as most people would feel that way.

Yes, you need to look for someone capable of providing to your wants/needs/desires as well as their own.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 2 December 2018, 01:43

Yeah, maybe you got a point. It just bad luck it was another one sided sexual expirience and that it. Need to find somebody who gives a shit. It look like I attract this kind of situations
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby mxguy01 » 2 December 2018, 03:16

Szymonnikt wrote:Yeah, maybe you got a point. It just bad luck it was another one sided sexual expirience and that it. Need to find somebody who gives a shit. It look like I attract this kind of situations


First step is recognizing it for what it is. Second step is taking a corrective course of action. Some time we succeed in that, some times we fall short. Rinse and repeat. Often times all you can do is just keep trying.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby BlackBoi666 » 2 December 2018, 03:40

Szymonnikt wrote:So I was suffering a little with my own self-acceptance for my all 22 years long life. It was mostly caused by my own projection on how my family and the environment will react. I was my own enemy. I thought that I finally accept myself and my family and friends support me. I haven't had many sexual encounters in my life. Mostly because I was in a closet for so long and I'm not the most beautiful person alive. It changed another week. I was with my friend and we were a little drunk. Start joking about sex and take a fellatio as a joke. But I was horny and I need to decide, I know he wants it. We started cuddling and he gives his crotch near me. So it happened but when I ask if he returns me pleasure he said no. He was a little pushy with it I was chocking any time I started to have some rhythm and I want to pursue him to reconsider. I didn't fish it because he won't let me to even masturbate. We fought about control. I don't have anything against being dominated but it was egoism, not domination. But to the point. It was my first sexual encounter since secondary school. And I was trembling. Idk why. Am I still don't accept this part of me? Or do I have an issue with a touch due to my past? I don't know. But I want to fight it, I want to be close to people. My friend is a jerk but still, I'm a little worried about myself. Anybody have a close situation or have some view on that? Thanks for reading this mess. :shrug:

Not everyone deserves honesty, since not everyone can handle honesty. Its much better to only tell your closest friends about your sexuality, rather than everyone.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 2 December 2018, 11:18

mxguy01 wrote:First step is recognizing it for what it is. Second step is taking a corrective course of action. Some time we succeed in that, some times we fall short. Rinse and repeat. Often times all you can do is just keep trying.


You are very right. I think the problem exists due to my insecurities. My lack of self-worth. I have had only a few opportunities to be close to someone and always feel like if I don't give a try I will never have that kind of experience. Unfortunately, it was mostly one-sided experiences. Like this one or even with a straight guy.

BlackBoi666: It's true. I'm from Poland (a little conservative country) so I'm very careful about who knows. Maybe I was. I'm too exhausted always feel scared and lie. So I'm now open about that with anybody who asks. And this friend is gay. We met on Tinder but on the first "date" we've known it rather go only in a friend way. So we kept in touch with each other and that happened.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Eryx » 2 December 2018, 14:41

Polish guys are so crazy! haha

Just kidding. But yeah, man, I don't think the fact that you got nervous means you don't accept yourself, maybe it's just a bit of a lack of experience and the fact that you're just starting to get into it. Also your "friend" is an asshole.

Go to a gay bar and meet new, decent people. You don't have to have sex. Just go for a beer. You'll realize there are stable, caring, nice guys out there who will treat you like a real partner and lead you to a normal, healthy life. A lot is going to happen before you get there, but that is part of the fun. ;)
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 2 December 2018, 14:51

I know there are better gay guys. For example my other friend. But we don't feel anything to each other in a sexual way. I've been in gay bars with him but I'm too shy and insecure to go to talk with anybody. I don't really like dancing (when other watch because I love dancing in my own presence) and gay clubs are a little scary for me.I've heard many strange things about them. I'm fat and ugly (Yeah I know I don't say it because I want you to disagree just this is why I'm a little insecure) :werd:
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby PopTart » 2 December 2018, 15:24

Perhaps you should learn to regard yourself a little better Simon! You might think your fat and ugly, but could that be an overly critical opinion?

If not, you can change your weight with a good diet, some exercise and determination. It's not exactly easy, you gotta stick to things, but it can be done.

As to other things about your appearance, everyone is beautiful to someone and confidence is very attractive in itself. Why not go out and get a new hair cut, buy some clothes that compliment your shape and that make you feel good wearing them.

As to clubs and bars, maybe you aren't into them and thats fine, what are you into? You can search of interest groups, gay meet ups with people of similar interests in your region, as an avenue for meeting more gay people, forming friendships and perhaps, meeting someone for more than friendship ;)

That first time can so often be less than you expect and you can come away, feeling like you did something wrong or there was something wrong with you.

The first guy I slept with had zero interest in my needs, he wasn't quite as bad as yours sounds, he spoke to me atleast, but I came away from it, feeling pretty bad about myself.

Don't let these handful of experiences, define how you regard yourself or your sexual capability or desirability :nono:
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 2 December 2018, 15:55

So yeah I manage to lose 16 kg and it felt great but I was gaining it due to stress eating because of my life situations. I'm wearing the clothes I like since I meet my good friend, still, the haircut is a good idea.
I'm on a border between overweight and obese.
I know that an attraction is not defined only on canon appearance.
Yeah, I probably should seek forums on drawing animation or technology but it just I haven't had time for it and tinder is an addictive toy.

I will try to move forward without bad assumptions on me and others. Thank you.

Feelings are sometimes illogical. That means even if I know something it still can effect me.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby PopTart » 2 December 2018, 16:02

Feelings often have quite logical sources, it's always good to express them, not so good or effective to try and control them. But the way we think and percieve things, is something over which we have more control.

Teaching yourself a more positive attitude, particularly in regards to your own sense of self worth and body image can go a long way towards boosting your confidence and giving you a greater sense of certainty and courage. ;)

Give it try, you have nothing to lose in trying.
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 2 December 2018, 16:13

I can't deny my personal truth. But I will try to be more positive about changes. This month was downhill for my mental health an my mood. It's time to move on and try again. :D
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Re: One of the first times. Way to accept me.

Unread postby Szymonnikt » 5 December 2018, 01:04

Fuck I think I think about that asshole. Fuck.
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