Prep and monogamy

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Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Chase_Jones » 29 December 2018, 07:12

I have had something that bothers me completely. My partner and I are both HIV negative, and we are fully monogamous. However, my partner refused to get off of Prep. After discussion and telling him that there is no need to continue taking it, he still refuses to get off of it. It is beginning to upset me. Am I being selfish? It seems to be waving red flags for me.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby PopTart » 29 December 2018, 10:55

I can understand why you might be having some concern.

Have you had an open talk about why he want to remain on prep? Could it be because this relationship is new and he wants to be certain of how "solid" it is, before he comes off prep, does he fully trust you to be faithful and monogamous?

Could be he has a real fear of being cheated on and getting sick as a result?

Is there any other behaviour that gives you reason to doubt his faithfulness?

Talking with him about it, if you haven't already done so and doing so in a receptive manner, not just telling him what you want but hearing what he has to say about it. is a good way to go if you haven't done so already.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby bubbling_over » 29 December 2018, 17:47

Have you both been tested (together)?

While I do understand your concern, and that it might seem as if he didn't trust you; it would be normal I guess if he wanted to wait for 6 months or sth and get tested together (No idea why this number is still in people's heads, but it seems to be...)
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Brenden » 29 December 2018, 20:38

He either doesn’t trust you or is untrustworthy himself. As said above, have a frank and open talk about it.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Aunty Eva » 30 December 2018, 02:10

I'm on prep and I'm mono. I'm on prep and I also feel that I wouldn't come off it until I was 100% sure that the relationship was solid and that I could trust my partner.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want to remain on prep. Just because he had decided he wants to still take it, doesn't mean he's a cheat.

I work for a charity that promotes and actively supports sexual health of the LGBT community. I understand the importance of the study of prep and the the more people use it. The higher likely have that the NHS in the UK will one day support it and supply it to those at risk.

Speak to him, be polite and respectful. Ask him about Prep and why he feels the need to remain on it. Make sure you make him aware that you're trying to understand and not that you're attacking him. Ensure the you listen to his response. Ask him if he ever plans on coming off once he's secure in the relationship. Conversation is key to a lot of issues.

If you want any advice you can always pm me. I'm happy to chat.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Yeauxleaux » 30 December 2018, 04:25

If you're in the early stages of the relationship ("Early" to me is anything less than like a year, or if you're not living together yet) then I don't know what the problem is. If he doesn't know you that well, he doesn't know if you're monogamous or the cheating type.

I also think putting lots of exacting demands on your partner is exactly what causes a lot of relationships to fail, especially in those early stages. A lot of people, men especially, do not like having all these conditions and rules put on them for someone who they're not even that close to. You can actually make them more likely to cheat, or just stop dealing with you altogether, by getting on their nerves and making them want to find someone else who isn't paranoid watching their every move.

That said, I truly believe most men are not monogamy minded, and would either cheat or have an open relationship if they had the ok from their partner. I think this is why you see so many gay couples who are "open", and so many single gay men who seem more invested in "fun" than actually finding anything meaningful. It is what it is. I can kinda see where you're coming from, if he wants to stay on PrEP there's obviously a reason, and like Brenden said that can only be that either he's fucking around or he thinks you are (or both). However like I said, letting that consume you and trying to monitor everything he does, instead of trying to work on the relationship and your sex life together as a couple, that's not exactly going to help the situation.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Chase_Jones » 30 December 2018, 16:29

He and I have been together for 1.5 years now. And I feel as though I don’t see the reason for him to be on it anymore
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Aunty Eva » 30 December 2018, 18:02

Hi Again Chase

If it upsets you to think that he doesn't want to stop taking prep, I would speak to him. Tell him your concerns and listen to his response. He may not want to stop for a reason you have not thought of. Maybe he is scared of contracting HIV and even though you both are negative and monogamous, the fear is bigger than the truth. Don't let something that is quite small potentially ruin a relationship.

Kyle xx
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Vertical » 31 December 2018, 18:20

Chase Jones wrote:we are fully monogamous.

Investigations of sexual behavior among gay male couples have consistently documented high rates of unprotected anal intercourse (UAI) with primary and outside partners, with UAI occurring more frequently with primary partners (Brady, Iantaffi, Galos, & Rosser, 2013; Elford et al., 1999; Frost, Stirratt, & Ouellette, 2008; Hays et al., 1997; Jin et al., 2009). DOI: 10.1007/s10508-013-0206-x

This article describes agreements gay male couples make about sex outside the relationship and how the process of making those agreements, and their perceived quality, varies depending on couple serostatus. Data include 191 couples recruited in the San Francisco Bay Area from June to December 2004. Monogamous agreements were reported by 56% of participants in concordant-negative, 47% in concordant-positive, and 36% in discordant relationships. The remaining participants reported agreements allowing sex with outside partners in some form. Agreement quality was lowest among men in discordant relationships. Overall, few (30%) reported breaking their agreements; only half of whom reported disclosing those breaks to their partners. DOI: 10.1521/aeap.2009.21.1.25


Yeauxleaux wrote:I also think putting lots of exacting demands on your partner is exactly what causes a lot of relationships to fail, especially in those early stages. A lot of people, men especially, do not like having all these conditions and rules put on them for someone who they're not even that close to. You can actually make them more likely to cheat, or just stop dealing with you altogether, by getting on their nerves and making them want to find someone else who isn't paranoid watching their every move.

That said, I truly believe most men are not monogamy minded, and would either cheat or have an open relationship if they had the ok from their partner. I think this is why you see so many gay couples who are "open", and so many single gay men who seem more invested in "fun" than actually finding anything meaningful. It is what it is.

Very well said!

Chase Jones wrote:He and I have been together for 1.5 years now.

That’s a long time for a gay relationship, and a very long time without sexual variety! Don’t forget that expecting sexual exclusivity is not an approved method of HIV prevention.

I’m a bit concerned that after a year and a half you don’t know yet the sexual needs and the prevention strategies of your boyfriend inside out.
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Jjaawlco » 14 April 2019, 14:42

new to the forum , what is Prep???
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Re: Prep and monogamy

Unread postby Brenden » 14 April 2019, 15:41

Jjaawlco wrote:new to the forum , what is Prep???

PrEP is short for pre-exposure prophylaxis. In this context, it’s the taking of antiretroviral drugs to prevent HIV infection.
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