Questionning my sexuality

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Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby Lolo90 » 1 October 2019, 23:17

Hello everyone!
I'm a 29 years old man and I've been asking myself for a very longtime what my sexuality is. I have a girlfriend with who i connect deeply and to who i have lots of feelings but prior to that relationship ive been thinking about men but incognito. I feel that I'm way more sexually aroused when I'm watching gay porn over straight. Ive always been uncertain about my sexuality. Like there is not a single day that i don't think about the possibilty of being gay but I'm terrified! I don't know what to do. Because i have urges frequently that i fight off, then there is days that i don't feel that way. But those urges have been present for years. Im scared that i might hurt my girlfriend. I don't know if im living a fake life and that i just can't assume my sexuality. What to do help
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 2 October 2019, 06:32

Hi Lolo, and welcome to the forum!
As a guy who had very similar struggles to what you are describing, I can truly empathise with your current situation. You're going to have to be really honest with yourself here. Is this something that is going to go away with time? Are you just horny to experiment a bit with another guy? Are you genuinely attracted to both sexes? It is possible to have a meaningful and deep connection with a girl even if you are actually gay. It's definitely a form of love.

The thing is, how serious are you with your girlfriend? Is the expectation that this will turn into marriage, for example? You do not want to end up in a situation where you've married her because it seems to be the right thing, potentially have children, and then have to cause even greater heartache because the truth of the matter is that you are gay.

Yes, if you end the relationship it will hurt both of you, unfortunately there is no getting around that. But the other scenario as I've explained above will be much, much worse in the end.

Strongs!
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby Lolo90 » 2 October 2019, 09:59

Thank you kenzie_matt. How did you deal with your situation? I really don't know where to start! I'm so lost!
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 2 October 2019, 10:05

You're welcome. It was not easy, won't lie. I ended up splitting with my girlfriend at the time because we were very serious and I knew we couldn't continue without getting engaged. After that though, I started keeping to myself in terms of relationships. I eventually dated someone, which didn't last long. It simply wasn't a good match. Then one day I met the right guy. He was enough to make me start to accept myself for who I am. I don't think there's an easy way to do this though. You have to start by being honest with yourself. Do some real introspection and start looking at what will make you happy in the end.
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby Lolo90 » 2 October 2019, 11:20

Were you actively sexual with your girlfriend at the time? Did you thought that you were Bi? Because Ive had some gay encounters in the past but after each time i felt like i did something so wrong and didn't have gay urges for a while but it always came back no matter what. Plus, I don't look at guys the way i look at women. I find women so beautiful but it never happened to me to see a guy and say: oh he's hot, but with women I do. On the other hand, when i watch porn I only get aroused when i watch lesbian or gay porn. Barely straight porn. Like you can see, lots of confusion.
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 2 October 2019, 11:57

We were sexually active to an extent, but no penetration. I had also had gay encounters and also felt a tremendous sense of guilt. In that sense, I felt the exact same way. When I masturbated, I was thinking of guys. Not even my girlfriend. I could think about her or women etc. if I tried, but fantasies about guys was so much easier for me and was what really got me off. At that point I didn't think of guys as hot either, unless I saw them naked. I loved seeing what they had down below and that was what really fueled my fantasies and got me hard.
I could appreciate a beautiful woman, no problem. But I didn't have a desire to see them naked the same as I did with men. I also preferred gay porn. I could watch straight porn, but was always focused on the guy. I had no interest in watching videos of women masturbate - it really did nothing for me.

So all in all, I knew what the truth was. I just didn't want to accept it. Growing up, I kept telling myself it was a phase. I would come up with any excuse to deny what I actually knew.

At first I told myself I was bisexual, since I had no problem getting hard with women. I still can if need be, but I would much rather be sexual with a guy if given the option.

So yes, I see the confusion, but at the same time I understand because you sound just like I was
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby NvM » 2 October 2019, 14:03

dont try to put your self into a stereotype; gay, straight, bi.

the gay dating pool is limited and quite frankly sub optimal. If you find a guy worth your consideration all good but likely not.

From time to time it is normal to loose focus on someone who you love even though the relationship is strong and just fine for everyone. I say concentrate on the basics and if the relationship works keep it. I admire your honesty
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby Lolo90 » 2 October 2019, 19:03

Thank you for your advices! Really appreciated. Ill do some retrospection of myself to know what i should do!
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 3 October 2019, 09:31

NvM wrote:dont try to put your self into a stereotype; gay, straight, bi.

the gay dating pool is limited and quite frankly sub optimal. If you find a guy worth your consideration all good but likely not.

From time to time it is normal to loose focus on someone who you love even though the relationship is strong and just fine for everyone. I say concentrate on the basics and if the relationship works keep it. I admire your honesty


I like this answer
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Re: Questionning my sexuality

Unread postby ShawnTexas » 3 October 2019, 16:47

Does your GF watch porn if so ask her what she likes to watch if she says m/m which i think she may most women do. If she says yes then ask if it would turn her on to watch you and a guy. Thats how I let my GF know i am very Bi, so now we have an open relationship.
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