Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

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Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby erti » 12 April 2019, 17:24

As for myself i identify as a bisexual cis women. I was sexually abused and rape by my mom's boyfriend at the time from the age of 2-3 years old (not sure about the age when it started) up until i was 7 years old when i told my grandmother. From it i have PTSD flashbacks and dreams about it for quite a while here lately and only recently it's been bad ever since I started helping a transgender friend come to terms with her sexual assault.

I always wondered if my childhood sexual abuse/rape was the cause of me identifying as bisexual. I remember experimenting when i was a child with other children the same sex as I. Also with another kid who was a different sex than I am and it was more traumatic for me than I would say with other girls because of my abuse I suffered in the past. At the age of 6 - 8 years old my female cousin who at the time was 8 - 10 years old and i would play doctor or mommy and baby. She and i would pretend to do cpr, hump chairs to get pregnant, and once she had me suck on her breast like i was a baby getting feed by her mommy. At the age of 11 I got naked with another girl around my age... she was about 10 years old at the time. we got naked and kissed in my bed. At the age of 16 I fingered my best friend who was 15 at the time at home due to a dare her boyfriend at the time. I felt shame because i didn't want to be a "butch lesbo" but then again i was more comfortable with it then say at the age of 7 years old when I played "boyfriend and girlfriend" with a kid my age to a year older than me. I remember it a lot less than I do with the other insentience but i remember him pulling down his pants and told me to suck on his penis because that's what mommies and daddies to. I remember going down and memories stop from there about that time i experimented with that boy...

When i was 18 was when i first had a boyfriend that i was sexually active with. Then that's when the flashbacks and dreams started coming when i first had sexual intercourse with him to the point where i broke up with him for the first time. My best friend told him about the sexual abuse i went through and that was probably why I broke up with him at the time. he was more understanding. However, one time i pretended to sleep while he was fingering me after cuddling.. I didn't expect it. I continued to pretend to sleep as his fingers went into my pants and into my vagina. I froze like I did when I was being sexually abused by my mom's boyfriend. when my boyfriend at the time was fingering me I got to the point where even though i did orgasm I continued to pretend i was asleep. I mean that wasn't cool and stuff but I'm not quite sure if that counted as sexual assault on my boyfriend at the time. anyways that's around the time the shit storm started happen with my mental health in general.

I guess my question to y'all is

- Have you been sexually abused yourself?
- Do you think your sexual abuse was the result of being LGBTQ and so on and so forth?
- Were you ever sexually abused by a same sex partner?
- Were you sexually abused in a relationship but too scared to come forth because it was the same sex relationship?
- Abuse in the LGBTQ community?
- Relationship and intimacy issues for LGBT survivors?

What are your thoughts?
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

― Rainer Maria Rilke
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Re: Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby Eryx » 12 April 2019, 22:19

My answer is no to all of your questions. I had a normal childhood and was never touched inappropriately by anyone. In fact, I use my upbringing as an example to people that there's no way to "catch" the gay, it's just something you're born with, because my parents always taught me as a boy, enforced masculine activities and behavior, were close and affectionate with me (as was my whole family) and supported me in every step of the way. There's nothing traumatic that could justify my sexuality.

I think experimenting when we're children is pretty normal and most people have had some kind of experience like that. I don't think it's indicative of sexuality, just naive curiosity and sometimes puberty. I experimented with boys and girls when I was 9~12 as well, but the experiences with women didn't make me start feeling attracted to them, and some boys I experimented with never had an interest for other men as they grew older.

I don't know if I'd say your ex-boyfriend was sexually abusing you. He could be thinking that you were awake and participating since you were cuddling beforehand, or he might have been taking advantage of you. I honestly can't tell.

I'm sorry about your past, and I hope you find a way to heal your scars. No one deserves to go through that.
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Re: Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby erti » 12 April 2019, 22:59

Eryx wrote:My answer is no to all of your questions. I had a normal childhood and was never touched inappropriately by anyone. In fact, I use my upbringing as an example to people that there's no way to "catch" the gay, it's just something you're born with, because my parents always taught me as a boy, enforced masculine activities and behavior, were close and affectionate with me (as was my whole family) and supported me in every step of the way. There's nothing traumatic that could justify my sexuality.

I think experimenting when we're children is pretty normal and most people have had some kind of experience like that. I don't think it's indicative of sexuality, just naive curiosity and sometimes puberty. I experimented with boys and girls when I was 9~12 as well, but the experiences with women didn't make me start feeling attracted to them, and some boys I experimented with never had an interest for other men as they grew older.

I don't know if I'd say your ex-boyfriend was sexually abusing you. He could be thinking that you were awake and participating since you were cuddling beforehand, or he might have been taking advantage of you. I honestly can't tell.

I'm sorry about your past, and I hope you find a way to heal your scars. No one deserves to go through that.


I know for the most part sexuality is what you're born with and not so much about whether or not you had sexual abuse in the past. I guess my examples were that because of my sexual abuse in the past I was more scared of guys as compared to other girls. Since i was abused sexually basically as a baby growing up I've never had any innocent views when it came to sex. I just knew it was something that grown ups do and my moms boyfriend at the time took advantage of my curiosity of people of the other sex not just that he basically physically, mentally, emotionally abused me during those acts. In middle and high school i told everyone I was a lesbian and wore over-sized clothing just to hid myself from attention from boys. I had no desire to be in a relationship of any kind.

As for experimenting as a kid it was more of a I was more okay with it towards other girls but not so much with the boys. I don't feel shame in it except for one instance where I don't feel comfortable with because of the age difference (she was 6 and i was 12). It wasn't forced on my part but it wasn't stopped either and to me it was "just kissing on the mouth" like when my other cousin and I played CPR as a kid... I told others about it and they said I too was young and to not to beat myself over it but i do. I've never talked about it with my cousin... she is almost 23 and I just turned 29.

I'm not quite sure about what to think about what happen with my ex boyfriend. It's not like i hold it towards him about it. I don't feel comfortable sharing that with him though because i don't want him to think i'm accusing him of wrong doing but then again he knew about my abuse and should of known better not to do something like that and all i know is it wasn't cool.

Thank you Eryx, I guess it's something i should share with my therapist when i next talk to her but i much rather focus on the so called "schizophrenia" part of my "illness" because that's what's been causing the most troublesome stuff right now in my life.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

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Re: Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby Capt._Trips » 13 April 2019, 01:16

Thanks for sharing this erti. I have a response ill post when im ready. Just not tonight.

I dont think you should hold this back. It clearly has impacted you and your life.

:hug:
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Re: Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby erti » 13 April 2019, 04:30

Victor_Laszlo wrote:Thanks for sharing this erti. I have a response ill post when im ready. Just not tonight.

I dont think you should hold this back. It clearly has impacted you and your life.

:hug:


Take your time and take care of yourself if you too are a survivor of sexual assault and abuse!

I've held it back for so long and obviously affected my life. That, and the severe neglect, severe emotional/psychological, and some physical abuse.
“Don't take my devils away, because my angels may flee too.”

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Re: Sexual Abuse, Rape and the LGBTQ community...

Unread postby GrantGrace » 18 February 2021, 16:45

It is really awful how many people was sexually abused in this world
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