Sexual Intimacy in relationship

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Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby jamesuk43 » 3 November 2019, 05:51

Hi all.

Thanks for reading this. Sorry it's a long one.

I really need help with the lack of sexual intimacy in my relationship.

At the beginning of this year I met the most incredible person who I fell in love with in a way that I never thought imaginable. He is the perfect partner in every single way. I see us as being life partners and I know he feels the same way too. Our relationship is one many people would crave and I honestly know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

BUT we lack the level of sexual intimacy and touch that I so desperately long for.

Things have happened in his past that he says now means he does not want to enter into penetrative sex either way. On top of this he also has severe limitations when it comes to touching and oral sex. He will not enter into oral sex very often, when he does - he does not ever look like he is enjoying it and it is for mere seconds at a time. He also sometimes feels so vulnerable that he won’t even let me touch him intimately. He goes very ticklish and reflexes often nearly knocking me out with sudden movements of his legs.

I can understand and accept these things to a point if not for the fact that I know he was meeting men for casual encounters and letting them fuck him within the past twelve months (before we met). He talks often of a very active sex life with other men as recently as the last 2 years…yet I know the incident he refers to that has impacted him was earlier. I feel sick thinking that these strangers did something with him that I am not allowed to do ever. I actually get jealous and angry at these people for doing this. These encounters definitely involved him fucking other guys (bottom) because he admitted this to me. Yet he has told me he does not want to fuck me or let me do it to him.

This devastates me and eats away at me every single day.

He has also led a very active sex life within relationships in the past and as had many sexual encounters where he watches his partner with other men. He wanted this in our relationship and argued it would be the way for me to get the penetrative sex I desperately crave. I reluctantly, at first, went along with this and have quite enjoyed these encounters BUT they do not and never will be a replacement for the intimacy I want within our relationship.

He has come an incredibly long way since we met and does now kiss, touch and allow me to stroke him but sex between us on an intimate level is merely a few seconds of sucking (if I am lucky), kissing and then us both masturbating ourselves. We never ever jerk each other and he rarely touches my genitals for longer than a few seconds.

We go to saunas regularly and I fuck with other guys while he watches. This is fun but never ever hits the spot in the way doing it with my partner would. While I do get pleasure from interacting with other guys while he watches, I know this will never ever flll the void of sexual intimacy with the person I love so so much. It’s worth pointing out that he never lets these other guys touch him.

I am worried now that since we’ve settled into the regular pattern of meeting other men that he thinks he doesn’t need to try and help himself and work on the sexual intimacy between us. I have noticed a decline in the level of sexual intimacy we had and there are times I now spend online looking at porn to get a sexual kick trying to imagine myself getting these activities from the one I love.

I am scared that this situation will one day come between us as I know how important sexual intimacy can be. I worry that if I met someone casually who I was attracted to and gave me intimacy on a level I crave would it come between us and cause me to look elsewhere.

I do try to talk about it with him but he is very defensive and often shuts down the conversation claiming he has come a very long way. Personally I think he needs to see some kind of sexual counsellor but he doesn’t ever seem to take this concept seriously.

Until we met he had no understanding of ‘making love’ and thinks sex is just something for kicks. I sometimes feel like some pathetic needy person for wanting this so much and wish I could just let it go and get on with being like these other gay men who have open relationships, do threesomes, seemingly without a care in the world.

Your advice would be very welcome.

Thank you
jamesuk43
 
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Re: Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby kenzie_matt » 26 November 2019, 11:52

Hi James.
Quite a post! You definitely find yourself in a difficult situation.


jamesuk43 wrote:I feel sick thinking that these strangers did something with him that I am not allowed to do ever. I actually get jealous and angry at these people for doing this. These encounters definitely involved him fucking other guys (bottom) because he admitted this to me. Yet he has told me he does not want to fuck me or let me do it to him.

This is a really sad case indeed, but sadly not unheard of.
jamesuk43 wrote:This devastates me and eats away at me every single day.
BUT they do not and never will be a replacement for the intimacy I want within our relationship.

There really is no replacement for this. Sure, sex gets us off and all, which we all crave, but there is more to sex than just actual sex, as you have identified.

jamesuk43 wrote:I am worried now that since we’ve settled into the regular pattern of meeting other men that he thinks he doesn’t need to try and help himself and work on the sexual intimacy between us....
I am scared that this situation will one day come between us as I know how important sexual intimacy can be. I worry that if I met someone casually who I was attracted to and gave me intimacy on a level I crave would it come between us and cause me to look elsewhere.

This will likely be an end result, unfortunately.

jamesuk43 wrote:Personally I think he needs to see some kind of sexual counsellor but he doesn’t ever seem to take this concept seriously.

This is the key right here. He really has to see somebody. Failing that, things are not likely to improve at all. Even though you seem like a really nice guy and all, you will need other sexual release. Add to that the fact that you are - with your partner's approval - already having sex with other guys, it really won't take long to cross the final line.

Difficult as this may be, unless he is prepared to get help and work on these issues, it is unlikely that things will improve and you will inevitably be hurt even worse in the end.

Strongs man!
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Re: Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby Eryx » 26 November 2019, 13:12

I've got nothing... This goes way over my head. I suggest seeking professional help.
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Re: Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby Midlifewotsit » 27 November 2019, 14:50

Without knowing what your partners exact issue is it'll be hard understand where he is coming from. He's had an active sex life in the recent past but doesn't want that any more. He's happy for you to have sex with other people but doesn't take part in an open relationship himself.

In my opinion there's nothing to be gained by staying with someone who in your own words makes you feel sick, jealous, angry, devastated, scared, and worried. If he can admit there's a problem and is willing to actively do something about it that results in you getting what you need then things can get better. If not then walk away, those negative feelings aren't likely to result in a happy ever after.
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Re: Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby Kiwijack » 3 December 2019, 08:09

All that you can do is to be very honest with him and explain how you feel about the situation. Then you have to make a choice.
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Re: Sexual Intimacy in relationship

Unread postby René » Yesterday, 10:01

I think you've explained how you feel very well here, so maybe show him this thread?
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