Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

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Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby Should I tell him? » 11 October 2020, 22:43

Dear Abby, lol :). . I had an affair that ended seriously 10 yrs ago. The affair was hot and heavy for 6 yrs. Let's call him Dan. Dan, the man, was in a long term partnered relationship with another man, let's say Allen. Dan and I met online. I was in a marriage with a woman. After about a year, wife and I split. I fess'd up and laid in the bed I made. It wasn't very comfortable. The affair with Dan ended on a very sour note (imagine that!) after another 5 years. A bunch of bulls*t, of course, including he never fess'd up to it to Allen and they still shared a bed together, so there was that... I collected a barrage of Dan's online sex postings and other sex-related communications during the end of affair and immediately after it. Oh, btw Dan has HIV and all his online presence said "negative". Now, 10 years later...this folder has been in my home this whole time with a sticky note stating "get this out of my house". I was hurt greatly by the whole thing - on many levels - and pretty much just dealt. While in my mind's eye....he got away "scot-free" without mention of even a bruise. I feel like mailing this damn envelope to Allen with nothing other than the "get this out of my house" sticky note still attached. I think Allen is a nice person, but I never met him and I don't know him at all. My intention is NOT revenge or in any attempt to salvage any semblance of relationship with Dan, the man. I think it's more of letting Allen know. "look man, this was a while ago, and feel it's high-time to let you know. I am not at all involved any longer, but I kept this all these years and simply throwing it in the trash doesn't sit right with me." - and let them work out their own truths - now that Allen has the truth (or least one side of it). More of a level playing field and Allen may appreciate the metaphor, being he's a sports guy. Just based on this...would you mail it?
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Re: Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby Eryx » 13 October 2020, 13:16

I don't think I would mail it, but maybe I would send a message telling my side of things. But that's highly hypothetical and something I never really thought about because I don't want to allow myself to get into that situation of being in a relationship with someone who's married.
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Re: Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby Should I tell him? » 13 October 2020, 13:28

yea, it was a mistake. I know. The relationship just happened. Very strong mutual chemistry. He initially told me he was single and I was a married guy having a gay affair. It is NOT recommended!! But like I said, I definitely laid in the bed I made, while he slept like a rock, uninterrupted. Even after all these years, I feel like Allen has a right to know. I like your idea...maybe send him a brief note somehow, and if he replies expressing any interest, then mail it out. I'm trying to put the shoe on the other foot out of some semblance of respect and consideration.. I think that's where I am stuck.. Thanks for the reply!!! :)
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Re: Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby acpro » 13 October 2020, 16:36

I wouldn't mail it. There's a reason you haven't contacted him/them in 10 years. Move on with your life is my advice.
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Re: Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby StevenCarolina » 14 October 2020, 13:47

Yeah, I have to agree with acpro. Trash the folder and move on. It wasn't important enough for you to share the information during the relationship and while you say it isn't it sounds like a little bit of bitterness and revenge. What is to be gained at this point by sending the folder except for you to feel better? If I read your post correctly you knew Allen had a partner from the beginning and you continued to see him for another 5 years with full knowledge that he hadn't discussed it with him? I'm not trying to be harsh, but if it is that important to you now shouldn't it have been as important to you then? Just move on with the confidence and knowledge that you won't allow the deception in your relationships going forward.

I do have to ask though.... what made you keep a folder of that kind of information in the first place?
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Re: Should I mail this package to the "Other Man"?

Unread postby Should I tell him? » 14 October 2020, 15:33

Excellent points! and I agree! thank you for the candor. I think I am also a tad "fearful" of any backlash from Dan, the man. I guess I needed a peer to tell me to stop being a little bitch. We were in "love", I am confident of that - and the relationship was complicated (they never work out!). Truth-be-told...I do not know exactly why i kept this shit. I discarded all other remnants back then so as not to be reminded. I had no "closure" at the time, and it was a pretty hard pill to swallow and I think initially this was my "proof" that our relationship even existed. But now, I don't give one iota about Dan, so i can honestly say revenge or salvage are definitely not my M.O. I think it really was more about Allen should know what a p.o.s. Dan is, or at least was. But F it. I'm not drudging up the past!! Thank you !!!
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