Threesomes

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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Brenden » 11 April 2020, 21:45

Marmaduke wrote:Would it be fair to suggest that this relationship, or at least your feelings changing in respect of this relationship, have changed as a result of a medication you’ve started taking? If I’m wrong, I apologise, I just feel like you made a remark that at least suggested that at some point?

As I understand it: The medication greatly reduced his anxieties, which were a barrier to accepting polyamory as a workable possibility. Before, the thought of polyamory was intriguing to René but fears about harming our existent relationship kept him from exploring the possibility. Now, the anxieties were not only suppressed by the medication (already occurring before this relationship began) but also put to rest by the positive experience of this relationship.
Last edited by Brenden on 12 April 2020, 00:02, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: surpassed to suppressed; stupid iOS 13 autocorrect!
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Marmaduke » 11 April 2020, 21:47

Ok, that makes a degree of sense. I’m obviously happy you’re happy, I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t an artificial variable at work that stood as a risk to your relationship. I was going to pitch switching away from whatever caused the change and making sure a desire to move forward with this was still there.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Brenden » 11 April 2020, 21:59

Marmaduke wrote:Ok, that makes a degree of sense. I’m obviously happy you’re happy, I just wanted to make sure there wasn’t an artificial variable at work that stood as a risk to your relationship. I was going to pitch switching away from whatever caused the change and making sure a desire to move forward with this was still there.

I do think had René not been on this particular medication, which increases the levels of all monoamine neurotransmitters by preventing their breakdown, he would not have been crushing so hard on the first guy and gone as far as he did with fantasising about the polyamory possibility. But now that the genie has been let out of the bottle I don't think it will go back in were the medication to be discontinued, especially now that it's been reinforced by actual experience with the second guy.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Marmaduke » 11 April 2020, 22:06

I get that the medication is bringing about a positive change, and you probably have no intention to stop using it long term, but would a short term trial away from it not still seem prudent?
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Brenden » 11 April 2020, 22:25

There is a risk that with this class of antidepressant if you stop taking it it won't be as effective (and possibly not effective at all) when you resume it.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Marmaduke » 11 April 2020, 22:34

And why is René taking the medication again? I remember him mentioning it wasn’t for the antidepressant purpose, didn’t he? Will the risk of reduction in effectiveness still be applicable for the reason it is being used?

This new relationship, whilst unquestionably valid, has accrued a great strength of feeling very quickly and it appears that is, at least in small part, the result of a medical influence. Is there a chance that the effect this medication has had will wear off and change unexpectedly over time or is this change an expected and predictable effect of the medication? If it’s predictable and reliable, then yay. If it’s in any way not, I think a degree of trial is the safe bet. Isn’t it?
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby René » 12 April 2020, 00:00

Brenden wrote:
Marmaduke wrote:Would it be fair to suggest that this relationship, or at least your feelings changing in respect of this relationship, have changed as a result of a medication you’ve started taking? If I’m wrong, I apologise, I just feel like you made a remark that at least suggested that at some point?

As I understand it: The medication greatly reduced his anxieties, which were a barrier to accepting polyamory as a workable possibility. Before, the thought of polyamory was intriguing to René but fears about harming our existent relationship kept him from exploring the possibility. Now, the anxieties were not only surpassed suppressed by the medication (already occurring before this relationship began) but also put to rest by the positive experience of this relationship.

That's basically correct, though I have to say another big part of the equation was that before, I couldn't stomach the idea of my family learning I was living such a "lifestyle", because I thought they would probably get the wrong idea and think it was about us being tired of each other or wanting to have sex with other people or something, and that they might even incorrectly draw conclusions about gay guys' ability to have a lasting faithful relationship.

Marmaduke wrote:And why is René taking the medication again? I remember him mentioning it wasn’t for the antidepressant purpose, didn’t he? Will the risk of reduction in effectiveness still be applicable for the reason it is being used?

This new relationship, whilst unquestionably valid, has accrued a great strength of feeling very quickly and it appears that is, at least in small part, the result of a medical influence. Is there a chance that the effect this medication has had will wear off and change unexpectedly over time or is this change an expected and predictable effect of the medication? If it’s predictable and reliable, then yay. If it’s in any way not, I think a degree of trial is the safe bet. Isn’t it?

First I just want to say that I greatly appreciate the concerns you've raised and the thought you've given this. Thank you sincerely for looking out for me :3

I started taking the medication (tranylcypromine) in November 2019.
I'm taking it for anxiety (mainly feeling overwhelmed by stuff, typically task-related) and to increase my drive/motivation to get things done. I've been finding it very effective. It basically wipes out excessive anxiety completely, without being addictive, reinforcing, sedating or disinhibiting and without causing emotional blunting or any other serious negative side effect.
But a pleasant side effect of sorts is that my confidence has grown immeasurably.

My realisation that I'm polyamorous was really a realisation about myself, much like realising I was gay. I couldn't choose not to be this way. The fundamental feelings and desires that are involved were not triggered by the medication. I had loved other guys before and fantasised about things like cuddling in bed with another guy in addition to Brenden and it maybe leading to some kind of relationship; I just never had the confidence to look past various anxieties and insecurities, which was necessary in order to figure out how I could give these feelings a coherent place in my life. Once the medication took care of those anxieties and insecurities, and with various other favourable circumstances simultaneously in place (such as my relationship with Brenden being very healthy and rock-solid and various mental-health issues on his part having recently been successfully addressed for the first time in his life, partly thanks to the same medication), the next time I was confronted with the situation of falling for another guy, it rapidly became very clear to me that I could in fact figure it out and that my loving family would probably understand and support me in this (as indeed they did) provided I did a good job explaining it all to them.

And I knew based on things Brenden had said in the past that he had had similar feelings and held a more positive outlook about acting on them and that he would be delighted to explore this stuff with me and to figure it out together. So we did a lot of talking and figured out that there was a way to give these feelings we both had a place that we both really loved and were really excited about.

I'm certain that temporarily discontinuing the medication (which, as Brenden mentioned, would be a bad idea because it really can stop working when you do that, for depression and anxiety alike) would not bring about any change in my outlook, which is quite firmly settled by this point. Most crucially, the hard part about accepting this part of myself is now in the past — that is, confronting my anxieties, insecurities and close family members. I definitely don't depend on the medication for the current stage of this journey, which is largely what I did 11 years ago with Brenden: chatting online with a guy who I already know I care about very much, getting to know him better, looking forward to my next visits with him and to, eventually, if all goes well, settling down with him. It's actually easier because I'm not doing it on my own now — I've got an existing partner right here to share every aspect of this with, who cares about and misses this guy just as much as I do and who does a lot of chatting with him too while I still get to know him better by reading along. :keke:

And as Brenden alluded to, I've now got this big powerful memory of 5 incredible days to look back on. I've truly never been happier than I was in the time the three of us were together. That memory will still be there if I stop taking the medication, and I can't not want to replicate the bliss I felt living in that situation with these two amazing guys. :heart:

This is me and what makes me happy. The med just helped me figure myself out and gave me the confidence to act on what I learned. :)
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Marmaduke » 12 April 2020, 00:12

Like I said, I’m glad you’re happy. I’m just not as up to speed with how these things work as you are. I found myself worrying that if something had influenced a change in your position, that change may reverse itself. Whilst I’m not sure you would ever “regret” bringing a third-person into your relationship, you’ve always struck me as someone pretty able to acknowledge and dismiss regrets about choices, I was a little concerned that it might later prove to be a source of tension or difficulty that would pose an underlying risk to you and Brenden as a couple.

But you seem super confident about it, you both seem pretty happy and I’ve voiced what concern I had. I can definitely chalk that up as addressed and just be supportive moving forward.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby René » 12 April 2020, 00:32

Thanks, Joe :3

I am indeed super-confident about it, and that's not just the medication talking: I feel certain that if there was any part of me that was not okay with this, it would definitely have surfaced when we were cuddling, having sex, kissing, holding hands etc. with this other guy, and specifically, each watching the other do all these things with him at various points in time.

And it's not just that I didn't feel bad about it while watching them at it. I wasn't just "okay with it". Watching them do all those intimate things together, I just felt love for both these guys and delight at the knowledge that these two guys I really cared about were making each other happy and making each other feel good. :heart: :3

If there's anything that made me feel completely sure about all this stuff, it's the above. :)
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Choicespecs » 12 April 2020, 08:40

If youre all in agreement then i say go for it.

I dont see why a throuple couldnt work. It will require more communication. Or is this more of a boyfriend for the holidays?

I dont personally think open polyamourous relationships are that healthy. I dont think i could do an open relationship.

I was offered the chance to join a closed polyamourus relationship between 12 people. But my close friends talked me out of it.

I always thought maybe in another life I could have my bohemian polyamoury summer
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby René » 12 April 2020, 09:02

Choicespecs wrote:If youre all in agreement then i say go for it.

I dont see why a throuple couldnt work. It will require more communication. Or is this more of a boyfriend for the holidays?

I dont personally think open polyamourous relationships are that healthy. I dont think i could do an open relationship.

I was offered the chance to join a closed polyamourus relationship between 12 people. But my close friends talked me out of it.

I always thought maybe in another life I could have my bohemian polyamoury summer

It started out as just a threesome (our first), then turned into a holiday boyfriend... but we all loved being together so much that we're now seeing if he'd want to make this a permanent thing :D

It's hard for me to imagine being in an open relationship too (whether one-on-one or with a larger group).

And 12 people seems a bit extreme... like, don't you start getting diminishing returns at some point? :lol:

But a closed threelationship feels right to me. :)
We're definitely all looking to commit to each other if we end up going for it.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Choicespecs » 12 April 2020, 09:35

René wrote:It started out as just a threesome (our first), then turned into a holiday boyfriend... but we all loved being together so much that we're now seeing if he'd want to make this a permanent thing :D

It's hard for me to imagine being in an open relationship too (whether one-on-one or with a larger group).

And 12 people seems a bit extreme... like, don't you start getting diminishing returns at some point? :lol:

But a closed threelationship feels right to me. :)
We're definitely all looking to commit to each other if we end up going for it.


I think thats quite sweet. Youre all consenting adults. Whose to say whats right in love. As long as someone doesnt feel left out. But more power too you. Hope there is an outcome to this. But given that youre in different countries, are you gonna try dating a few more times before you commit?

Id stress about the oddest details though. Like when you go out for a date night. Youd have to constantly ask for a round table so someone doesnt have to sit on their own.

Regarding the 12 people, it was kind a mini cult situation. You had to move in. All money earnt was a owned the family. But like you were part of this mini community. I was 18 at the time I met this guy on Grindr. So looking back was kinda glad my friend talked me out.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby René » 12 April 2020, 10:23

Choicespecs wrote:I think thats quite sweet. Youre all consenting adults. Whose to say whats right in love. As long as someone doesnt feel left out. But more power too you. Hope there is an outcome to this. But given that youre in different countries, are you gonna try dating a few more times before you commit?

:keke: Definitely no one's felt left out at any point. And it's like... Brenden and I have been together for 11 years now and married for 10. We've had plenty of attention for each other over this time, so now we have a lot of attention to give a new guy joining us. Our relationship between the two of us is all set; it's effortless. We're not going to ignore it, but this does mean we can really focus on making sure a third person is included and integrated in our lives and realises how much we both like him. :3

And yeah, he has said he kind of thinks of each period of staying over at each other's house as one long date, and he wants a few more of those first. :)
He says he's slow to commit and past prospective boyfriends have been unhappy about that. But I think it's great; I would much rather he take his time and really make sure he's found who he wants to ideally spend the rest of his life with than that he feels pressured into rushing to declare his commitment for someone (or sometwo) under threat of losing them.

Come to think of it, I've never been on an actual traditional date in my life. :P I have never fallen for anyone from my native country (the Netherlands). It's always been guys from English-speaking countries, typically the US. It always took an international/intercontinental flight to meet up, so it's always gone straight to sleeping over at each other's house and essentially living together in bursts while chatting a lot online in between visits. :D

Edit: As for who's to say what's right in love... The funny thing is, so far, no one (be it a friend or a family member) has even suggested any of this is wrong!

Choicespecs wrote:Id stress about the oddest details though. Like when you go out for a date night. Youd have to constantly ask for a round table so someone doesnt have to sit on their own.

This hasn't come up yet (and probably won't for a while with the lockdown), but while I can't speak for the other two... for me personally, I really don't think I'd spend any time scrutinising or feeling insecure about stuff like that. As far as I'm concerned, there's no need to sit at a round table to artificially equalise things.

At most maybe, sitting at a square 4-person table, we'd make sure the new guy is sitting next to one of us and across from the other (and vary up which is which on different outings), so there can be no mistaken impression that the original couple is (or wants to be) closer than either of us wants to be with him.

Choicespecs wrote:Regarding the 12 people, it was kind a mini cult situation. You had to move in. All money earnt was a owned the family. But like you were part of this mini community. I was 18 at the time I met this guy on Grindr. So looking back was kinda glad my friend talked me out.

Well, I guess that sounds kind of cosy in a way, creating a little family/community... a little cultish though like you say, and it does seem like either it would get a lot less personal or you'd have to spend an absolutely massive amount of time getting to know every member of this structure really well, and spend yet more time when members are added...

Having said that, I can sort of see the appeal if everyone involved genuinely likes each other, and if this works for everyone, I think it's great. Definitely not what I'm/we're looking for, though. :P
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby BottomnBama » 19 May 2020, 06:22

I am a Bi Bottom and it’s been years since I have been with a guy, hopefully that will be changing sooner than later. Years ago my first sexual experience was actually an unplanned threesome with two tops. This was during my sexually repressed and “down for anything” phase, so obviously I didn’t think this shit through. Could have went down a lot worse than it did, got very lucky.

I invited this guy to my hotel room just to give him oral. I wanted more but was too shy to just come out and ask for it. So I just wore a T-shirt and made myself available to him if he decided to take it further. After fingering me for a bit, he asked if he could invite a friend over who was looking for a blow job too.

Again I was so horny and needy at that time that I just said yes and kept on working him over with my mouth. The other guy eventually showed up and I kid you not, he texted the wrong guy lol! It was another top he had met at some sex party and he texted him by mistake. Luckily the guy was cool and joined right in.

Two condoms and some lube later, I am on my back and at the end of the bed. The original guy had my feet in the air and was doing his best to have his way with me. I was super tight and they brought a water based lube...which was about useless. Ended up having to use this silicone based lotion I had brought with me.

Guy number 2 was to my right and had me pleasuring him orally, which was actually kind of hot. He was basically f**king my mouth more than I was actively sucking him. I finally opened up and got into it, and honestly loved it! Guy number one told the other dude to swap places, so they did. Guy number two started pounding me and guy number one took off his condom and made me (I didn’t really resist) swallow him.

Guy number 2 put me on my knees and finished inside me that way, condom still on. We talked for a few minutes while they dressed and they left. I have been obsessed with threesomes ever since. There are definitely safer and smarter ways to go about it these days but I will always look back on that first one with a smile.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby René » 22 May 2020, 03:07

So, Brenden and I are still seeing the guy from the threesome I mentioned in the OP (sheltering-at-home with him as one household). And omg, we just went on an evening walk with him and he grabbed both our hands and held them for most of it! :heart:

I figured maybe he'd want to hold hands on the darkest parts of the route, where no one from his neighbourhood would be able to see us... or just with one of us at a time... but he didn't seem to mind anyone seeing him walking by holding his two boyfriends' hands. :awesome:
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Choicespecs » 22 May 2020, 06:15

René wrote:So, Brenden and I are still seeing the guy from the threesome I mentioned in the OP (sheltering-at-home with him as one household). And omg, we just went on an evening walk with him and he grabbed both our hands and held them for most of it! :heart:

I figured maybe he'd want to hold hands on the darkest parts of the route, where no one from his neighbourhood would be able to see us... or just with one of us at a time... but he didn't seem to mind anyone seeing him walking by holding his two boyfriends' hands. :awesome:


If this doesn't turn into one of those cheesey TV movie Dramas on TLC or something, I'm calling the police.

This is absolutely adorable. I feel second hand smitten
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby ShutUpAndBeHappy » 22 May 2020, 21:31

René, your story is adorable. :3

I did, once. I don't think it was with the right people, and ultimately it wasn't a good experience.

I was in a phase from 22-24 of just hooking up with every guy I was mildly attracted to, to make up for my lack of sexual experiences. I did learn a lot in that time. But I met a lot of people who I didn't enjoy.

Basically, I had been talking with this dude on grindr and we had been hitting it off for a few weeks. He asked if I wanted to hang out, and he was fun to talk to. I enjoyed talking to his husband as well - they were the a bit eccentric for me but nonetheless enjoyable. They laid it on thick that they were looking for a third boyfriend. I hadn't had any dating experience and didn't want to start in a situation like that, but I went with the flow. After a couple of dinners they asked me if I'd want to have a good time with them both (I had been hooking up with the dude I met from grindr, which was fine. I normally don't enjoy bottoming at all but he was really small so it was easier - god I hope he's not on GFO).

I went over. Before we got going, grindr dude told me he was trying to sleep with as many guys as possible, and started telling me weird things about mutual friends that he had messed around with - that made me really uncomfortable and I started regretting coming over that night. Once everyone's clothes came off I was so nervous I didn't know what to do. That evening is pretty much a blur. It was really difficult for me to get hard. I was able to top grindr dude's husband after centuries of opening him up. I don't think either of them had showered, and I was not into the aroma going on at all - it was gross, and I wish I had said something. I got tired of topping (I take forever to cum, so I often get to a point where I just give up). I told the guys I was just going to go home. They wanted me to sleep over, but I said I had homework to get to, got dressed, and left.

Grindr dude thought I was angry at them when I left, I guess I didn't seem that into things. I really wasn't. I wasn't into the dynamic, or his husband. He and his husband kept messaging me on my social media and grindr that they missed me, asking when I should come over next. I ended up cutting contact when I realized I'm not really down to hang out with them, and all they wanted was sex at that point.

I would be down to try again if I was in a relationship that was very strong. If we found a guy we both liked I'd be down to have him over and try things out, but the vibe has to be right. So I'm not ready to write off threesomes as something I don't like, but circumstances would have to be right.
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Re: Threesomes

Unread postby Remington » 23 May 2020, 20:37

I've never been in a threesome but having watched several of them and gay videos I have to observe that not everybody gets a fair chance. Obviously someone is going to end up having to take care of themselves after it's all over with. Of course most of my single partners have been of the type or I've had to take care of myself after it was all over.
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